to be angry/jealous/heart broken at every pregnant woman I see? Even on the TV!

(71 Posts)
icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:38:36

First time posting in AIBU so go easy on me.

Bit of background so no drip-feeding. Had MMC at 12 weeks in Feb, thought I had done by grieving & we had started to consider TTC again. Early April whilst on holiday I ended up in A&E (3 times!) with excruciating back pain. I since have learned I have 2 bulging discs & have to have 4 typed of meds 4 times a day to do the simplest of things. I've seen a consultant & am waiting for injections that may or may not work before surgery is considered. Anyway back to the point. I so want a baby my heart aches. Since our MC 4 people I know in RL have announced pregnancies & yesterday when I ventured out for the first time in weeks I seemed to be confronted with mass pregnant bellies. I can not consider TTC until this is all over & by then I maybe biologically too old.

AIBU to want to hide away forever so I never have to ever see a pregnant woman again - that includes destroying the TV sad

Tee2072 Fri 03-May-13 07:43:35

You are never unreasonable to have feelings.

But you might want to consider talking to your GP about some therapy or other help as, unfortunately, there are pregnant women everywhere all the time.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 03-May-13 07:46:40

I felt exactly the same after a pg loss and couldn't even walk down the nappy aisle in Tesco. I also had five friends get pg over the following year who thought nothing of sending me scan pictures to my work email address. Actually one was very sensitive to me and for that I was grateful.

Is it a cortisone injection you may be having? I was going to have one but physio sorted my problem out, it was a different back condition to yours though.

The sadness stayed with me but the pain lessened. I can walk past pampers without blubbing now.

flowers

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:49:25

Thank you for a quick reply! My BF told me that those pregnant bellies had always been there but it's only now I'm aware of it. I have considered seeing my GP but no-one in RL (including DH) talks of the MC anymore, it's almost as if it done & forgotten now & I should concentrate on my current problem not "something that happened" months ago.

Have now seen another pregnancy announcement in FB. Include FB on the things I want to destroy.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:54:06

Thanks for sharing Triumph, in a weird way it makes me feel better I'm not alone - or at least not crazy!

I think it is a cortisone injection - they called it a steroid injection, is that the same thing? Physio is out as I knew about the 1 bulging disc last year & had physio for 5 months but there was no improvement. My 2nd disc had bulged so much into the spinal canal it's blocking off the sciatic nerve which causes me a great deal of pain & I now have a numb leg & toes. Physio would take ages to correct it!

qazxc Fri 03-May-13 07:55:56

You are def not BU. I feel the same. everybody around me is either pg or has a baby. New announcements are almost weekly and every time it feels somebody has ripped my chest out but all i can do is smile and offer congratulations.
Talk to your DH, if your situation is like mine, he prob is suffering too but doesn't want to bring it up in case it hurts you/makes things worse.
Don't put pressure on yourself there isn't a time frame to "get over it" and feb was only a couple of months ago, it's still very raw.
Take care of yourself.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 03-May-13 07:59:27

I think it all sounds very understandable.

If I were in that place I would shut down FB for a bit, watch silly stuff on DVD I could control and allow myself to really feel the sad feelings for a little. Then, in a month, I would see if the was any improvement in how I was feeling about other people's pregnancies etc. If not, I would seek counselling, if there is an improvement, maybe you just needed a little time.

Sending you all best wishes.

Tee2072 Fri 03-May-13 08:00:14

Yes, I would also try speaking to your husband. Just because he's done talking about doesn't mean you have to be too.

If he refuses to talk about it, again, see your GP. They really can help.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 03-May-13 08:01:04

I am really sorry, I misread how recently your mc was, in that case even more understandable you are still feeling so raw. So give yourself even more time.

tasmaniandevilchaser Fri 03-May-13 08:10:10

Yanbu, it's v understandable. I was the same, my heart was broken and it seemed like there were bumps everywhere. It takes time but it will get better. I had counselling which helped. It's still early days for you, be kind to yourself and focus on getting well again.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 08:20:06

All your kind words have made me cry! Thank you. I really did think I was over it but I think I was just masking the grief with the desire to TTC & now that's been taken away I'm back to the grief again. I need to see my GP next week regarding extending my sick note for my discs so I think I'll mention a counselling referral to. Thank you all again for letting me vent.

Forgetfulmog Fri 03-May-13 08:26:07

Gosh YANBU at all. I MCd at 6 weeks (so not as bad as yours) 2 years ago & just felt devastated at seeing any pregnant women or baby stuff. 9 months later, a member of my family announced her pregnancy & I had to leave the room as I was crying.

When you mc, you essentially lose your child so it does take a long time to grieve. I don't think you will ever forget your loss, but time is a great healer.

I sympathise with your back as well - I have a long history of disc problems & had to have an op a couple of years ago, around the same time that I MCd actually. I now have a 7 mo so rest assured that disc problems do not stop you having children!

Good luck with the injections, I know how hellish the pain is with disc bulges thanks

musicposy Fri 03-May-13 08:26:25

It's really hard flowers. So sorry for your loss.
We were TTC for 8 years after DD2. In that time everyone we knew seemed to have children. Then we went for IVF, I fell pregnant with twins which was a dream come true, lost one at 7 weeks and the other at 11 weeks. It was utterly devastating and worse, people thought it didn't matter much as we already had DCs.

Until the time of what would have been the birth it seemed like there were pregnant people everywhere. I could barely face the world or many friends. It was very, very tough.
3 years on and I've had to accept it isn't going to happen now (am mid 40s). I still have a big sadness over it if I think about it too much. But the terrible pain does lessen and I can now cope with pregnant women with only a slight pang. We got a puppy as I was so low - who is now a grown dog and she is definitely a silver lining.
Hold on in there. It will improve, I promise. It might take a little while, but it does get better, and you may yet get a good outcome in the future smile

DorothyMantooth Fri 03-May-13 09:54:51

YANBU at all. It's devastating to lose a baby, no matter how small, and even more devastating when you have to see pregnant women and babies everywhere. It's true that you're noticing them more because it's so much on your mind, but that doesn't help how you feel about it.

I had a MMC at 10 weeks last January. I had an ERPC and tried to get on with my life, including TTC again. In March I had a few serious bleeds and went to A+E as I thought I might be MC again. It turned out that the ERPC had not been fully successful and I had a collapse, emergency surgery, a blood transfusion and a 2-night stay in hospital. We hadn't told many people about the PG so I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about the MC, except a couple of good friends. Those that had had children were really supportive but one who had not, whilst intially being very sympathetic, soon got bored of the fact that I didn't go back to my old self within a couple of months.

Not long after the 2nd ERPC, my stepsister announced that she was pregnant. My stepmother let me know in a really sensitive way but I was still devastated. I pretended to be ok on the phone as I didn't want her to feel bad about her PG, but once I hung up I started hyperventilating and had to sit down on the floor in the supermarket.

Plenty of people will think that you should get over it quickly as it wasn't a 'real' baby but they don't realise that you are mourning the life that you had dreamed of and had started planning as well as the baby. Some people told me "don't worry, MC is really common", and my MIL even said that she had probably had loads of MCs but she'd never made a fuss about it (she was basically saying that every late period is a MC). None of this was helpful.

You won't forget about this experience but time will make it bearable. Ignore anyone who implies that you should be over it already. You don't need to be made to feel bad about it and you definitely don't need to get into any arguments about your feelings. Previous posters are right - your DH is probably suffering too. My DH is really supportive but his approach to dealing with painful things is not to dwell on it, so he didn't want to talk about it much after the first week. Maybe try to find someone else who you can confide in - a good friend, or GP as has been suggested.

I also wanted to give you hope - I know you have to wait before TTC again, but you have conceived once and I'm sure you will again (I now have a 6 wk old DD).

Sending you big virtual hugs and wishing you all the best for your back treatment and TTC. It will get better.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 10:06:31

Thank you everyone - I'm overwhelmed by the kindness. Dorothy thank you for your long & frank post. Your experience of the phone call has really hit home. Every time a pregnancy is announced I put on a brave face & I have a friend expecting twins 10 days after what should have been my EDD. She is now 19 weeks & I keep thinking 'that should be me'. It's getting harder & harder to see her & I feel awful for saying that out loud. I wish I could be a better friend. I take heart in the fact that so many other women have gone onto have children & that keeps me going. I bet you treasure each & every day with your gorgeous DD smile

Meerkatwhiskers Fri 03-May-13 10:26:38

That's a feeling I know all too well. We have been ttc for nearly 9 years now and I've had 4 mcs. I'm hyperaware of bumps and newborns too and friends of mine have had 2 kids in the time we've been trying. One is about to turn 7 shock.

Hope your back is better soon. The injection is usually a local anaesthetic and cortisone is a steroid which they sometimes add in with the anaesthetic (but not always depends on the consultant at the time and what he sees on the xrays). I'm a student nurse and had a day surgery placement so spent time in the pain surgery seeing the injections being done.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 03-May-13 10:31:29

You gave me lovely advice & support on the miscarriage/pregnancy loss section. I had a mmc at 12 weeks, within days of you.

The good weather has exposed all the beautiful bumps...Its so emotionally painful. I should be 21 weeks now. One of my close friends is due today. Don't get me wrong, Im so happy for her but i wish it were me.

My relationship has broken down. It wasn't great before the miscarriage but its deteriorated to nothing now. We are in the process of separating. Im 40 in a few months. Its very unlikely i will have another child.

No one wants to talk about it. My mother & sister were horrified when i told them i had a miscarriage but not because i had a miscarriage, because i had been pregnant. I have very little to do with either of them now. No one apart from my best friend & ex knew i was pregnant.

I appreciate how you feel. I've no advice. If i find a way of easing the pain, i will let you know.

Take care. Im thinking of you.

badguider Fri 03-May-13 10:36:44

You are NOT going to go from young enough to "too old" to concieve in the space of a year or so - it's no time at all. And I honestly don't think there's any way your back will take more than a year to get out of the current crisis and into a more longterm 'management' plan. Obviously you might know differently about the treatment for your back but seriously, fertility drops very gradually... there are moments when we talk about how 'much harder' it is to conceive but these are statistical based on the whole population and not applicable to any single individual. You dont' say how old you are but if you were pregnant earlier this year then you WILL be young enough to conceive againin the next year.

SundaysGirl Fri 03-May-13 11:13:35

Also sending you [flowers[

Just remember you are healing from your loss on your timetable, not anyone elses. Ignore anyone who says / makes you feel you should be doing anything at their pace.

SundaysGirl Fri 03-May-13 11:13:58

oh flowers

ooops! x

maddening Fri 03-May-13 11:23:26

yanbu - after mc I felt there were pg people everywhere suddenly - you become hyper aware and there is no time limit on grief.

Just be gentle on yourself - it's ok to feel like this and totally natural.

it's tough - but take the time now (since you have to wait to TTC) to prepare your body - feel that you are doing something positive might help. TTC and pg after a loss are tough so getting physically and mentally ready can be a good thing.

flowers sorry for your loss x

EuroShaggleton Fri 03-May-13 11:26:47

I'm sorry for what has happened to you, OP.

I mc'd in March. I largely "got over it" quite quickly, but my stomach still lurches when I see a lovely preggo bump. The feeling that it should have been me is really difficult to shake.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 11:32:33

It's so saddening to hear of everyone's losses & even more saddening how we feel we can't talk about them IRL. Meerkat thank you for your practical insight. I have been told I'll have 2 steroid injections - 1 in my spine & the other in the nerve that is being compressed. If there is no improvement after a 2nd course then they'll discuss surgery to shave the part of the disc that is bulging. I wish they could do that immediately although I know they say there's a chance the nerve may be cut during the process. It just seems like I'll be waiting forever (melodramatic I know!) & the desire for a baby just gets stronger each day.

To those of you who have commented on my age thank you. Again I'm being melodramatic, I know logically stats infertility are generalisations. I'm nearly 35 & can't shake the stat I read that chances of miscarriage rise after 35 although I know logically as soon as I hit 35 I won't suddenly be in trouble!

Shelly, good to hear from you again. As I've been in & out of hospital I've been away from MN for a bit. I really should go back on the miscarriage board for some support although today's posters have made me feel better than when I awoke this morning! I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship. Is there really no future? Is counselling an option? This worked for my friend & her DH. She also has relationship counselling on her own to add a different perspective.

Thanks again to everyone for the support - I'm touched.

Meerkatwhiskers Fri 03-May-13 11:46:40

Blooming heck I'm 36 so I'm fucked too then lol. You have years left hun don't worry. My last mc was about 4 years ago so haven't even got pg since early 30s. I need fertility treatment though as have autoimmune issues (and been right royally messed about by pct last couple of years).

Just get your back sorted first as you need to be healthy first to carry a pregnancy to term then you will be fine. You got pg before and stories like mine are luckily the minority.

Meerkatwhiskers Fri 03-May-13 11:47:28

Ps don't read any more stats!!!!!

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