When I had a concern to raise with my then DW, be it regarding money, holiday plans, Christmas, kids, schooling, intimacy, I would raise it, and the concern would be taken as criticsm. The resulting insults and character assasination that she would shout at me would be too much for me to take. "Cretin, idiot, F*in D*k Head, Bst*d" were words that were thrown at me as a result of my simply bringing something up, be it trees in the garden, shopping lists, whether we could afford and manage a family dog. For years it brought me to my knees, to the point that I sought councilling because I believed that I needed to change. I even questioned my value to those around me to the point where I considered that the workd would be better off without me. 14 years of it in total.
When, after many years, I stood up to the insults and wild suggestions, such as that my children would hate me if I did not bow to her materilalistic needs for family dog, or a holiday, she hit me. It happened three times, and on one occasion she told me that I should hit her back, and that I was a wimp for not doing so. As I left the room I found my 11 year old DS on the other side of the door who told me "you're not a wimp Daddy, you ran a marathon".
By this time I had been driven to such dispair at her denial of the things that she screamed and shouted at me that I was iPhone recording our arguments by then and I have her recorded hitting me and telling me to hit her back as well as a multitde of other abuses.
I left a few months later. That was in June 2012. After almost a year apart, a family member has suggested that I must have done something wrong to have brought the worst out of my Ex DW, but I cannot accept that. I made choices when speaking to my Ex, to communicate with her, respectfully and not to call her names, not to put her down, not to blame her, not to hit her AT ALL, but to air my issue and seek a mutual resolution, but she chose to do all of those abusive things to me. I believe that she could have responded differently, but even now she maintains that I was the cause of her reactions, that I "forced" her to say things and to hit, and that no one else brings out this side of her, that there is a problem with the "whole of" my "being".
I feel that some others in my life believe that if my Ex felt it necessary to hit me then I must have been playing my part in giving her no other choice, and that it is "understandable". I want to plead my case, but to do so is exhausting, upsetting and damages my self esteem, as I don't want to be talking about it, as it has gone on for 14 years and is too huge to sum up to someone who has not experinced it.
I am visiting a therapist twice a month and hope I can put her abuses behind me. I hope to reach a point where I do not even mention her abuses, becasue to do so in conversation with family, friends, or a potential future partner is opening a can of worms that can not be easily explained without a long, sad explanation, and such a discussion might lead to comments like "surely you must have done something to push the wrong buttons in her", which almost throws me right back into the situation when she came across the room and hit me because I was voicing an opinion about an aspect of our lives.
I believe that my ex's attutude is rare, but I have expirienced it. I wonder what I can say to anyone who suggests that it might have been 6 of one and half a dozsen of the other?
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To be annoyed when people suggest that I should accept some blame
23 replies
ProudestDad · 02/05/2013 02:10
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