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To be angry at a nanny 'friend' who told me I should leave my job..........

(325 Posts)
Mummyoftwoangels Tue 30-Apr-13 14:39:22

just because I told her I didn't want to feed her youngest charge her bottle this morning?! She was 'busy' texting her boss!!

My reasoning being, I lost my own babies just over a year ago, and struggle at times with dealing with young babies! The children I look after are 3 and 6 so not babies!!

She said I should be able to help out others or I'm not doing my job properly! She knows the history of what I have been through, but insisted that I should think about changing my career sad

If I seriously thought I wasn't doing my job properly, I would leave! AIBU to be really angry, and sad at her criticism?!

Groovee Wed 01-May-13 22:01:55

This is not your fault! Keep saying that to yourself as it wasn't. You sound like a lovely person and having your private life talked about in this way is not kind and hopefully the others will see that.

Much much love to you. I think the support from both your bosses is showing you have done nothing wrong at all. xxx

Mummyoftwoangels Wed 01-May-13 22:22:55

Rosduk Thankyou for sharing your sad story! God bless your son! Sending you a hug xx

You said something that really hit home for me, as it's something that I have been told too! I was told that I shouldn't be overly sad, because it was just a miscarriage, they weren't real babies sad but just fetus's sad

Well I felt them moving and kicking inside me! I heard their heartbeats, I saw them on the scans sad they were real babies, and they were my daughters sad

I don't understand how some people can be so cruel! I wish I could take comments like that with a pinch of salt too, but I take it all to heart! But that's probably because my self esteem is pretty much rock bottom! Although hearing such caring and supportive comments, is giving me some hope!

So thanks all thanks xx

IsItMeOr Wed 01-May-13 23:17:45

Oh hideous cross-post earlier on my part. So sorry to hear she's being such a cow.

I think it is hard to understand how others react to the death of such a young child. I only know about a miscarriage I had, and it struck me much harder that I expected and I definitely know friends who moved on much quicker than I did. That's just how it is, I think. Some take less time, others take more. But you take the time you need.

On a completely flippant note - is this the other nanny?

chipmonkey Thu 02-May-13 01:29:50

rosduk, my dd was born at 28 weeks and lived for 7 weeks and was expected to live a long life! Your ds was born a week earlier and most babies do survive at that gestation so your MIL is very cruel to say such a thing. I don't know why people imagine that the loss is any less than if the child were older.

kickassangel Thu 02-May-13 02:35:47

It really isn't your fault, any of this. An abusive partner will be emotionally and physically controlling you, so no, you wouldn't be able to leave unless something dramatic changed. In this case, it was a truly traumatic event which you and your daughters were the victims of. You deserve nothing but sympathy, support and respect.

This other nanny sounds manipulative and abusive herself. Getting someone to trust you, then using that info to attack them (by firstly being rude to you, then spreading the gossip when you stood up for yourself) is classic manipulation. Fortunately for you, she isn't very good at it. By being so public she has made it obvious how nasty she is, so now other people will be wary of her.

Well done for standing up to her, and for telling your employer what has happened. Neither of those can be easy for you. Personally, I would not have someone like the other nanny looking after my daughter, and I would be forever grateful to whoever showed me what she was like.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Thu 02-May-13 07:27:44

OP NOBODY could understand how you feel, unless they have lost a child.
Your "friend" is a stupid idiot.

Mummyoftwoangels Thu 02-May-13 09:55:55

I just returned from the school and nursery run! It was very clear which nannies, had received the email sad I had the same sinking feeling, that I had when I first went back to work after losing the girls! This has brought back so many memories sad

I had a message on my phone from the other nanny! She has been asked to take a few days off, to think about what she did and said, if she can't come up with a good reason for what she did, then they will dismiss her!

That led onto a whole heap of abuse about, how she can see why my partner did what he did, its because I was such a fucking miserable cow, and I deserved everything I got! sad I thought she was a friend, how could she say such things sad she even made nasty comments about the photos I had shared with her, of my baby girls sad

Don't really know why I am saying all this! Just feel that I need someone else to know what shes said sad I know I shouldn't let her get to me, but the stuff she said was so hurtful! I can cope with her saying bad things about me, she can't say anything that hasn't already been said by my ex partner or thought of already by me! But she shouldn't say such horrible things about my babies sad They were tiny, but they were perfect sad

I can't understand where all this has come from! Maybe this is how she has felt all along sad maybe I really am just a bad judge of character. I was thinking that maybe I just piled too much on her?! BUT I haven't really spoken that much about stuff! Its not something that I want to talk about all the time, and certainly not when I am at work!!

I don't know what to do? Do I leave the job I love, so I can start a fresh somewhere new sad or is that letting her win? Is it time that I stop hiding my story and just talk about it, so it can't be used against me again? Or was this just a one off! I just have to choose my friends more carefully!

Maybe I am just in a bad place because of the anniversary coming up? Maybe I am to blame for her possibly losing her job sad I feel bad about that, but she shouldn't of said what she did!!

sorry for the epic post! just needed to clear my head!! xx

bigfuckoffpie Thu 02-May-13 10:11:21

It's not your fault, at all. She's been caught out at doing something really nasty and she's lashing out at all your weakest spots to make you back down.

Don't leave your job; you owe it to yourself, your boss and her kids not to be driven out. Keep the message and let her and your boss hear it. Not just for your sake, but for everyone's - no-one would want someone as horrible as she is looking after their children.

larrygrylls Thu 02-May-13 10:18:15

She should not be looking after children. She is a certified nut job. They are sometimes very hard to spot so don't beat yourself up about not realising earlier. Let your employer send her employer the latest text, which should have the desired effect of getting her fired. I really would not like someone who turns on a sixpence to be in charge of my children.

Text her one last time to tell her to stop harassing you and that if you receive one more text, you will go to the police. I would then probably send your story to those she has sent her warped version of it. I suspect you will receive lots of support from the nanny community. Definitely, don't leave your job. It is a job you love and your charges would miss you. That would be giving in to bullying.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find some peace thanks

I agree that you should let your boss hear the message. I think if her boss hears the message and knows it was sent to you after they had spoken with her, they'll probably dismiss her in any case. She's unrepentant and lcearly balming you for her own mistakes and attitudes.

You have done nothing wrong, and I feel that the other nannies will sympathise with you rather than her.

Hopasholic Thu 02-May-13 10:30:42

You don't need to change jobs. You've done absolutely nothing wrong.

She however has just written her P45. Show the message to your employer.

Who would ever want a spiteful woman like that looking after their DC's? I was sat open mouthed reading your last post. She has stooped so low, she is disgusting.

Keep your head held high, don't discuss her with anyone else.
Did you ever have any bereavement counselling? As she has opened it all up for you again you are understandably back at the 'raw' stage & it may be worth talking to a professional now that she has temporarily distorted your trust in human kindness.

flowers one day at a time OP.

BanjoPlayingTiger Thu 02-May-13 10:37:45

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. It was NOT your fault. Not at all.
You are also not to blame for her losing her job. She is to blame for losing her job. If she hadn't acted unprofessionally then she would still have a job. This is NOT your fault at all.

She is showing her true colours - that of an abusive character. She is using things you told her in confidence to belittle and hurt you. These are not the actions of someone with an ounce of sympathy.

Had I received an email of the sort she has sent I would have told her exactly what I thought of her for betraying someone in that way and would have wanted to know if there was anything helpful I could do for you. I would not have been judgemental towards you at all. I may have felt awkward to have been put in the situation where I knew more about you than you wanted me to know - but that wouldn't have been your fault or made me want to know you any less.

Much strength to you over the coming weeks.

Groovee Thu 02-May-13 11:03:53

Let your boss know about the abusive message! You are not responsible for her actions. She keeps digging that hole she's in deeper by her own actions and must accept as an adult that there are consequences.

(((hugs))) to you x

LifeSavedbyLego Thu 02-May-13 11:16:33

She has just written written her notice. Don't leave your job. You love it, the children love you and your boss thinks that you are doin an excellent job.

No one who heard your story would judge you, no one. Hold your head upand get on with your life. Because you haven't done anything wrong. You are not responsible for what other people choose to do. Not him, not her. Wankers the lot of them

(((((((hugs))))))

megandraper Thu 02-May-13 11:19:26

I think you should show the message on your phone to your boss as well. She will probably want to pass that on to the other family. They need to know what their nanny is like. No way would I want a woman like that looking after my children, she sounds an absolutely dreadful person.

I second the person who suggested bereavement counselling, that might be helpful.

As for the other nannies, I would hold your head up high. You have done nothing wrong, and anyone who suggests you have, or indulges in malicious gossip, is showing their true colours, not reflecting on you. Good luck.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Thu 02-May-13 12:03:45

Am so sorry, I am having a bit of a cry for you, it's just awful what you've been through and what this bitch has done. I really want you to know that not all people are like this, and you need support and caring and some human empathy. What you've had is a big fucking slap in the face, betrayal and cruelty. You don't deserve this or anything that's happened to you.

Don't leave, try and tell some of the other nannies what happened, and just wait and see how they react - I suspect they might surprise you.

I agree with others that you might want to give councelling a go, you have had so much happen to you, and it's a huge load for you to bear and try and process on your own. It may help you.

One thing I learnt when I had some councelling, I'll tell you and you can ignore of its not a helpful thing! He explained it alot better than
I will..,

Your life is made up of all the tiny interactions that happen everyday, if the majority are negative, even just tiny tiny things, then how can you stand against it all day, it will end up weighing on you and you can't resist it all day after day, it's too much for anyone. So if you start trying to care for yourself by minimising the bad interactions, even the tiny ones, and treasuring the good ones, it goes a long way to helping you get to a better place.

May not help you at all, but at the time I was surrounded by abusive or unkind people, and I'd lost sight of the fact that I deserved better, everyone deserves better. I had stopped making an effort to protect myself against people, or to gravitate towards better interactions. So I started counting the good interactions, and tried to move towards them, & make an active decision to move away from the bad ones. It was actually work people that got me down the most, cos I was so busy trying to protect myself from abusive h, nasty family etc, that somehow I thought the low level stuff wasn't worth caring about, but actually had a huge effect and made me feel surrounded by unkindness and cruelty. I assumed the whole world was like that.

Anyway, may not help but just in case xxx

GingerBlondecat Thu 02-May-13 12:13:55

I just want to Hold You Sweeetpea

(((((((((((((((Soft Soft Hugs))))))))))))

flowers

helenthemadex Thu 02-May-13 13:27:42

you are an amazing strong woman, you have had the worst thing that can ever happen to a mother happen to you, you lost your two little angels. Despite this you have continued to do a job that means you have daily contact with other peoples children, do not let this vile piece of shit take away the thing that you obviously love doing and that you are excellent at.

As others have said your employers think very highly of you and they are being very supportive, you need to show them the latest text, her employers have the right to know what sort of person is looking after their children, she shouldnt be.

The other nannies are most certainly not judging you, if I received an email like they have had about you and it gave such personal information I would just feel so sad for them, but would not know what to say or how to act. This would have nothing what so ever to do with judging, but more about the fact that they themselves had obviously not wanted to talk about it with me, it was private and just knowing more than you were comfortable with me knowing.

I would however be judging the sender and thinking what a absolute bitch they were to have spread something so personal and hurtful. I think the idea of sending an email to them may be helpful, Im sure you will find that you will have a lot of support . Also as others have suggested counselling of some sort maybe contact SANDS Sands

You have done nothing wrong, you need to believe that. I wish I could say something to make you feel better I really do

Mummyoftwoangels Thu 02-May-13 13:27:56

I am so touched, by all the positive support and hugs!! Boy do I need them right now!! THANKYOU xx

For those of you that mentioned bereavement counselling, I have been seeing an amazing counsellor for the last 15months! She has helped me get my life back on track wink BUT just as I think I am doing okay, something else happens sad BUT I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP!!

So I text my boss, and she rang the other family. We are all meeting up tonight once the children are in bed! They have asked to hear the message, actually it's now messages sad which I know they need to hear, but am a little disturbed about them hearing them! It's all so personal sad All I wanted to do was get my life back, and start smiling again! Why the fuck couldn't she just keep all this to herself sad

I feel emotionally, how I felt when my partner was putting me down! I've spent the morning bursting into tears for no apparent reason, and I wanted to call a friend to meet for a chat and a hug! BUT was too scared, as I'm not sure who I can trust now sad so trying to keep busy and not think about it! But it's so hard!!

I've got the school pick ups to do, and I'm dreading it! I'm so bloody angry at her! She has taken away the one good thing in my life sad and the worse thing is I don't know why?! What did I do to her, that was so wrong, and deserved this!!

Sorry need to stop before I get too worked up! Need to pull myself together, for the school run!

Thanks again for ALL the kind words!! Xx

bigfuckoffpie Thu 02-May-13 13:56:53

OP, I was thinking - is it possible that Evil Nanny has actually been sacked already, or she knows she's going to get the boot unless you say that, actually, she wasn't that bad? If so, she's got nothing to lose from trying to bully you into retracting.

I hope you're doing ok and the school run goes well. She sounds completely unhinged and poisonous (although, unfortunately, toxic people don't go around with t-shirts on advertising themselves as such; you can't blame yourself for not knowing). Don't let her get to you. Good luck for the meeting tonight.

Ellenora5 Thu 02-May-13 14:00:40

I'm shocked that someone could be so cruel and nasty and vindictive, she should be fired without a reference, she is not fit too look after children.

Mummyoftwoangels, hold your head up high you have done nothing wrong at all, you are grieving for your children and no one has the right to tell you when to stop doing that. You are very strong, you got out of a destructful and dangerous relationship, which is so hard to do no matter how easy others think it is, it is not and believe me I know how hard it is to do, it took me years even after I lost my baby, he convinced me it was my fault.

I'm glad your boss is being so supportive of you, you deserve to have someone in your corner. Don't give the other Nannys a thought, if they are anyway decent they will comfort and support you, which I think they will, there is no way anyone else could be as toxic as the one who you thought was your friend

Sending massive cyber HUGS to you.

sleepsforwimps2010 Thu 02-May-13 14:13:14

my son would have been 5 in october, i lost him when i was 23 weeks.
the pain at first is all consuming, literally crushing..... then its like a huge weight; you carry on like normal but the weight you carry is physically exhausting.
gradually the weight gets less, you can reflect on your loss without feeling buried by it and being to rebuild your life;
i now have a 2 yearold son and a 9 month old daughter and life is good, but there will always be that void, but im at peace with it now...
your 'friends' actions will no doubt lead to her dismissal, but through her own poor character and unkind nature... she is reaping what shes sown.
be kind to yourself on your babys anniversary, we who have walked your path leave our footprints in the sand to show you the way xxxxx

megandraper Thu 02-May-13 14:56:36

OP, it is likely that one or more of these other nannies will have suffered a loss themselves, or know a loved one who has. Though they may not want to speak up about it, they will feel for you and be horrified at what this other woman has done.

Any normal person would be horrified, regardless of personal experience, but just wanted to point out, there may be some who really understand, but it's not obvious from the outside. Just thought that might help you when you're facing them.

Also - keep calm when you're meeting with the other nanny's bosses tonight. I imagine they feel they need to see the evidence, because they will be going through a legal process (dismissing their nanny). The evidence will speak for itself, don't feel you need to justify yourself in any way. If you start to feel upset, tell them that this it is very hard for you being forced to expose such personal information. That will further bring home to them the nastiness of what their nanny has done.

You are not getting her sacked. She is getting herself sacked by showing what a nasty person she is. Don't be sucked in to feeling any guilt.

Mummyoftwoangels Thu 02-May-13 20:27:57

Quick Update.......

Just had a meeting with my boss and the other nanny's boss! It was really tough sad it brought back memories of the police talking to me after I lost my babies, and reported my partner. But both my boss, and hers were very calm, caring and supportive! The other nanny's boss, was disgusted by the voicemails that her nanny left on my phone! Poor woman couldn't apologise enough sad I felt really bad for causing all this drama sad Looks like the other nanny is going to be dismissed!

All in all today has been really crap sad I felt so uncomfortable during the school runs, and just felt like everyone was looking at me! Obviously they probably weren't sad I HATE being centre of attention, I HATE that all these people now know what that bastard did to me! sad I nearly got another nanny friend to pick the children up for me, BUT I decided if I did that I would be letting the other nanny win, and I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction!

So I did go! But didn't enjoy it one bit! I'm hoping by tomorrow things will of blown over a bit! Although I am slightly worried that if she does lose her job, then maybe I'm going to hear more from her sad

I thought when my partner died, that finally all this pain of being pushed around and hurt, was over! I realise now, that there are still horrible people in this world sad I'm scared to talk to my real friends now, just in case they use it against me! But without sharing my fears and asking real friends for support, I don't think I'll get through the next few months sad

HOW DO I TRUST PEOPLE AGAIN?? I just feel like the last 15months have been a waste of time and energy, because right now as I sit here in tears, I feel like I am back where I started! I am so angry for letting her bother me like this! sad

jacks365 Thu 02-May-13 20:36:39

Can i kindly pull you up on something. You have nothing to feel bad about YOU did not cause this, a nasty spiteful person who was too lazy to do her own job did.

Best wishes for the future, abuse of any sort is hard to get over and i've no advice re trusting people because i don't find trust easy either

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