to secretly think my mum could have helped,us out.

(152 Posts)
cleoowen Mon 29-Apr-13 16:49:57

I have a 18 week old baby and I am going back to work freelancing in September. We are currently looking for childminders for our ds and the one we like can only do one day a week. We need someone who can do two.

So I sounded my mum out about looking after him one day a week. It would be term time only and I said we could be very flexible and change days if she wanted to or she could not do it sometimes if we was away etc. my mum has not worked for 25 years, my dad is semi retired. She,has a cleaner and no commitments. However, she said no. I respect her reasons but secretly felt a little annoyed as she has time on her hands and I get the impression that she has,time on her hands. She keeps saying how busy she is but get busy is going out for lunch and shopping.

I know he's out child and she's,been there done that and doesn't want to committee. The sticking,point is,her feeling like she would,need to do it for,my sisters ds s too so it's fair. She is used to going in holiday whenever and doing things whenever so I understand this would be a commitment

But I just felt like she could have helped us out. I work very short hours, she knows,we are struggling. We want to move and one,less,day to pay Indie day to pay for childcare would really help us out.

cleoowen Mon 29-Apr-13 16:52:53

Plus, she moans she hasn't seen him for ages when we visit but she could see him constantly if she helped us out. Lots of my friends mums do it for them.

malteserzz Mon 29-Apr-13 16:53:16

It's her choice obviously but I can see why you feel a bit miffed, I hope when I have grandchildren I will help out

NinaHeart Mon 29-Apr-13 16:53:52

YABU.
Yes your mum could have helped you out but she has absolutely no obligation to do so. She has done her share of child care and may never want to go there again. It's your child and I assume you did some sums before you had your baby, and you are going back to work, I assume again for payment.

You'd like her to help out so you can afford a bigger house? Not sure that's a valid reason!

I am sorry you are in such a bind but it's your mum's decision.

If she doesn't want to then she doesn't have to.

dexter73 Mon 29-Apr-13 16:55:45

I don't think she is being unreasonable to say no. It is hard work looking after a baby.

isitsnowingyet Mon 29-Apr-13 16:55:54

How old is she? Maybe she doesn't feel confident looking after a baby even if it is her grandchild. If she doesn't want to commit now, I would keep her sweet and perhaps she would help when your son is a bit bigger.

Lucky you still having parents around fit enough to consider for childcare - not something that we have ever had.

ouryve Mon 29-Apr-13 16:59:07

Why should she?

You're an independent adult. You have to think about these things when you have kids of your own and never assume that other people will be willing to take some of the burden for you.

tiggytape Mon 29-Apr-13 17:01:37

she could see him constantly if she helped us out
You are busy but YABU. You shouldn't make helping you with free childcare a condition of seeing her grandson - many grandparents want a role that isn't a parenting one. If she senses you feel this way, I suspect she is rightly annoyed but either way, you asked and she said no. That's perfectly acceptable on both sides.

Overall it is best she was honest. So many people go into these arrangements not considering what will happen if they are ill, if they want to take a bargain holiday (term time only care means she will be restricted to expensive holiday times for years and years to come - that in itself is a big thing to ask anyone) or just finds it all too much and too limiting.
She knows she doesn't have the flexibility or will to do this every week and certainly not if it means she has to do one day for your sister as well. She hasn't messed you around about it or changed her mind so YABU to feel resentful for expecting it and not having her agree.

mrspaddy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:01:55

In my honest opinion I can understand you're upset but your mum has done her work. This is her time to enjoy now. She wants to see your child in the role of grandmother, not childminder.

I could wonder all day why my life is different to others. Different people - different ways.

I would think though that she should be on hand for emergencies and occasion short spells of babysitting but not this type of commitment. I won't be relying on family for childcare.

At least she was honest with you and didn't it on and then let you down. You have a lot of time on your hands. Don't let bad feeling get in the way. I wouldn't bring it up again with her.

quesadilla Mon 29-Apr-13 17:04:02

I can't really make my mind up about this. A part of me says her life, her choice: she has done her share and probably wants some me time. But privately I think I would be miffed as well. It does seem a tad ungenerous when its such a limited amount of time and it would make a big difference to you.

NinaHeart Mon 29-Apr-13 17:06:46

Because a commitment like that would tie her down, I guess.

clattypatty Mon 29-Apr-13 17:07:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 29-Apr-13 17:08:23

A large part of having children is the cost of them. Perhaps she thinks you should stand on your own two feet as an adult.

She can still be a grandmother without making the commitment of regular childcare. It would be unfair to offer you this but not your sibling and surely you can see that. Its not her fault you looked at a childminder that cant do two days a week.

It would have been nice if offered but she is under no obligation to save you childcare costs every week.

pepperrabbit Mon 29-Apr-13 17:10:58

It is a huge commitment to look after a baby even just once a week and she may simply not want to, and if she does she would feel guilty about not helping your sister similarly.
My parents have never been keen on childcare (even though there are 4 of us!) but help in other ways. They helped my sister with school fees where they could and have paid for me to use a childminder half a day a week to get some time for myself when I was struggling.
Maybe they couldhelp by buying clothes for DS, his winter coat for next year for example?

ShatnersBassoon Mon 29-Apr-13 17:11:20

I'm very impressed with your mum's honesty. I know a couple of grandmothers who regretted being tied to regular childcare commitments, so better that your mum is straight with you now than she gets fed up in a couple of months and you find you're having to solve the problem of childcare again.

fluffyraggies Mon 29-Apr-13 17:12:41

My mum was the same as yours, OP. Not over childcare per se, as XH and i worked different hours to each other so one of us was always home, but over babysitting. She used to make a massive deal out of babysitting, majorly so if it meant coming over to ours to do it. And i only asked literally 1 or possibly 2 times a year! 3DCs.

In my head i used to be torn between thinking - ''it's her right to say no. These are my kids, no one else's'' etc, etc. and - ''you want to see your grand-children and help me out don't you''?!?!?

Right or wrong? I dont know - but it annoys the hell out of me when she regales our family and friends with how much she helped out in the early years, when in reality she hardly did a thing and when she did it was under duress hmm

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 29-Apr-13 17:12:41

My mum was totally upfront with me she will be there for an emergency, but not regular childcare. My mother in law said the same both without us asking. I respect them both for it.
It did make me wonder why they felt they needed to be upfront, maybe friends of theirs had complained about feeling obliged.

expatinscotland Mon 29-Apr-13 17:15:02

YABU

cocolepew Mon 29-Apr-13 17:15:05

I see her point but she could have maybe offered to help until you found a childminder for the other day.

Wishiwasanheiress Mon 29-Apr-13 17:18:27

I agree with ur mum I'm afraid. She's their nan. Not childminder. It's hard work at ur own age. Add on another 20 and associated physical changes. It's fine if someone is keen to do it, but forcing it is completely different. Don't assume u know things. U really aren't in her shoes, she may be genuine.

You sound very cross and I really don't get why, apart from its damned inconvenient for u, and that's hardly her fault. U asked, u got a straight answer - no. I feel sorry for the passive aggressive martyrs u hat about on here. Least urs said the truth!

Wishiwasanheiress Mon 29-Apr-13 17:19:04

Hat?!? Meant here sorry

Yonihadtoask Mon 29-Apr-13 17:19:29

YANBU to think she could help out.

YABU to think that she should.

My DM made it perfectly clear that she wouldn't do any regular childcare for any of her grandchildren. She has rarely looked after my DS (15) - only when it has been really important events that I can't et any other sitters for.

Yes, other parents do this - but they shouldn't feel obliged to do it.

It's great to have no commitments - so don't expect that she has to give up her freedom.

BegoniaBampot Mon 29-Apr-13 17:20:11

how old is she? I wouldn't have felt that my parents or PIL's were really fit enough to take on the responsibility of an active baby/toddler. Although many grandparents gladly to help out so YANB entirely U and a bit miffed about it.

WellJustCallHimDave Mon 29-Apr-13 17:20:43

You're "annoyed" that your mother has her own life and doesn't want to take on your responsibilities? My god, words fail me.

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