Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

Husband demeaning my salary

(148 Posts)
uhura Sun 28-Apr-13 21:16:09

I feel sad - I started a new business 2 years ago after being at home with my kids for almost 10 years and I think its doing really well. I'm earning what I think is a respectable salary whilst still taking the kids to school and picking them up. That was the point of starting the business rather than going back to work as I wanted flexibility.

Unfortunately when I have spoken to my (professional) husband about how well I was doing, he laughed and said is that all you're earning? (or words to that effect - infact the word pathetic was used). I feel really demeaned and can't understand why he is not thrilled for me.

When I got upset I was accused of over-reacting.

Tell me ianbu and that he is a prat please.

Spero Sun 28-Apr-13 23:26:53

If a 'friend' said something like that to me, it would be the end of the friendship if there was no speedy apology and explanation.

I don't know why partners get a 'free pass' to say hurtful crap like this. It is completely unacceptable. He should be on your Team, he should be supportive and proud of you.

If he isn't, you have to ask yourself why. I would seriously question this relationship.

interalia Sun 28-Apr-13 23:32:17

He's a tit. Bet he wishes he made a comfy income while being able to spend time at home rather than slogging it out at a horrid bank. Ha!

Lueji Sun 28-Apr-13 23:38:28

What everyone else is saying.

Plus, I hope you are putting all of your meagre earnings into your own bank account and saving them for when you get fed up of this twat.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 28-Apr-13 23:45:51

he is demeaning your 40% tax band salary....part time? but he only works for someone else and you aare the boss of a sucessful company.

it is not you who is pathetic, it is him.

TheBuskersDog Sun 28-Apr-13 23:49:28

So does your husband look down on everyone who isn't earning a twatty banker's salary?

flatmum Sun 28-Apr-13 23:58:23

add on the full time childcare costs for 5 kids fulltime for 10 years (see the how much do you spend on childcare thread) - your minimum would have been a full time nanny circa 40k a years thats 400k you saved / made. perhaps that brings you up into his stratosphere.

thepig Mon 29-Apr-13 00:13:04

What is the business OP?

Does he usually put you down like this OP? You said you were sad, but nothing about shock. Might be worth weighing up what he brings to your relationship (you clearly aren't dependent on him financially).

KeatsiePie Mon 29-Apr-13 00:17:35

Wth? That's the conversation you had? There's no reason in the world to speak to your partner like that. If he is not normally an asshole, then is it possible that there's something bothering him wrt. work or money and he was taking it out on you?

What did you say? I wouldn't have been able to let a remark like that go.

uhura Mon 29-Apr-13 10:42:10

I was really shocked when he said it and prompted by your replies I spoke to him about it this morning.

I am not pulling my weight financially apparently. It's selfish for me to earn so little when I could go back to the city and earn more. My children don't need me to do the pick ups and I'm am indulging myself.

I am flipping between being devastated and being furious.

I was so proud of myself - I really stretched myself to set up this business, I now employ one other person, I win clients, I do a great job and I am making a professional wage. I do all this whilst still being there for my children and looking after the home and yet he thinks I am being indulgent and selfish.

OhLori Mon 29-Apr-13 10:47:04

Just felt a bit sad reading your original post (not read other responses yet).

Starting a flexible business at home after having children and one that earns a "respectable" income, is no mean feat in my opinion. I think its pretty amazing tbh.

Being a "professional" isn't necessarily that hard either ...

No idea why your DH is mocking you. Have you got any idea why?

Just seen your last post. Can understand your reaction. I don't know what else to say.

Fucking hell, now I'm angry on your behalf! What an utter dick your DH is being!

I would work out, to the penny, how much your DH is bringing home per hour (making sure you subtract any costs of getting to work, buying coffee/lunch when out), and how much you are contributing per hour (making sure you account for the child care for FIVE children!)

Then I'd be telling him that his wage was pathetic in comparrison, and that he was indulgent and selfish by putting his power trip of a career over the needs of his family! Dick! angry

Oh, sorry, YADNBU! smile

skippedtheripeoldmango Mon 29-Apr-13 10:48:38

How spectacularly unsupportive and unkind of him. Is he always like this?

SugarMiceInTheRain Mon 29-Apr-13 10:48:39

Wow! I can't believe he isn't backtracking and instead he is telling you that you aren't pulling your weight!! I'd suggest you casually mention to him that it's a good job you are earning enough to manage fine on your own (and still be around for your children) as you don't need him and his sneering, derogatory attitude.

Loulybelle Mon 29-Apr-13 10:49:06

wow what an arsehole, and a massively jealous one at that.

Loulybelle Mon 29-Apr-13 10:50:35

what sugar says, leaving his sneery, jealous, twatty banker arse would be easy.

OhLori Mon 29-Apr-13 10:51:29

Keep the self-respect you deserve for your fantastic achievements and keep going with that!

But I think another part of you needs to address him. Did you say anything back? Are you scared of him?

Bowlersarm Mon 29-Apr-13 10:52:01

He sounds like a dreadful bully. Stand up for yourself, OP. What sort of relationship do you have normally? What a smug, self-centred arse, belittling your great achievements like that.

Iggi101 Mon 29-Apr-13 10:57:21

What would your five kids say if asked if they actually want you there for pick-ups? If you are really just being "selfish" then presumably you're doing it all for yourself and your dcs don't actually want you there.
Which is imagine is bollocks.
It's good you are so enterprising as will help if you ever do want to go it alone. Or is it that your dh is feeling undermined by your success (no excuse though) - he has to work silly hours perhaps, might not see much of the dcs, and his SAHW is proving she can do it all herself..

anastaisia Mon 29-Apr-13 10:57:36

What sugarmice said - you could manage just fine without him.

You can still feel proud of yourself! Lots of us are amazed at your achievement. My little business doesn't even make enough to need to pay tax after 5 years (Partly a choice about how much effort to put in because I also home educate so don't have school days childfree) but I'm still proud of it!

He sounds horrible (unless this is wildly out of character) and if it was me I think I'd start billing him for all the unpaid work you do in the home and with the children to top up your income.

Mmmnotsure Mon 29-Apr-13 11:07:28

OP - you sound amazing. Your own business working around the needs and happiness of five children! I think your dh needs to get back into the real world. (And I do know it's easy to get sucked in to the city way of thinking.)

Apart from sounding really rather nasty, I am amazed at how smug your dh is being. I know many very highly paid successful city and ex-city people, and you know what - takeovers/mergers/antagonistic new boss/selling businesses or parts of businesses happen all the time. He may not be as secure as he thinks he is (lots of people don't see it coming). Then your own company, employing someone, working around commitments...well, it sounds good, doesn't it?

acceptableinthe80s Mon 29-Apr-13 11:09:06

It's a good job you're running a successful business, at least you won't be reliant on him when you see the light and LTB. Though I imagine you'd get plenty child support with 5 kids.
Does he have any redeeming features at all because he sounds like a total dick.
Oh and I'd stop doing his washing/cooking/cleaning etc for him. Just tell him you have to work more to increase your 'pathetic' salary and suggest he hires and pays for a cleaner/cook etc..It's not like he can't afford it.
Maybe start billing him for childcare too.

Jossysgiants Mon 29-Apr-13 11:14:24

You are incredibly successful. Your Dh sounds thoroughly unpleasant and unsupportive. Is this unusual behaviour for him?

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Mon 29-Apr-13 11:15:14

...as requested. (smile)

YANBU

and, yes, he is a prat. times a thousand

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now