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To think my mother/others are being unreasonable!

(38 Posts)
NotDead Sun 28-Apr-13 18:13:58

Hello,
I told everyone I talk to regularly that I was away this weekend. As it turned out i wasn't well, so didn't go.

Soo. I have 5 phonecalls, leaving progressively hysterical messages from my mother, one going on about how she worries and worries I might be dead.

I think FFS, this is the weekend I said I was unavailable! I have been in bed most of the weekend with the cold, and for some of that time didn't charge my phone - all this is reasonable no?

I didn't call back because this hysteria really annoys me - its like I'm 15, but I'm 40! I went back to bed. SHe has form, she used to constantly get keys cut for my sister's house without permission and just go in whether my sister was there or not, even (almost especially if) she had been asked and told not to.

Then I get a bloody ring at the bell, aggressive - EVEN THOUGH I SAID I WAS AWAY! then several more calls, including some from my dad. Again I didn't answer because I just want sundays to myself.

THEN i get facebook messages from a friend saying she wants to meet up - again someone I told for certain I was away. I talked to her for a bit, saying that no I was ill and didn't want to go out SHE then sends me message after message asking if I want to go out for food/come over and see her etc etc.

Its like what I said was invisible! I ended up saying to my friend 'I'll call you later if I'm up to doing anything. More bloody messages!

Am I being unreasonable to just not respond until I'm calm enough not to shout at them both? This has totally ruined my 'Me time' and I'm pissed off!

numbum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:44:24

fakebook, the fact that your dad was used to you being home at 6pm for months on end (I only assume that from the 'it was the first time in God knows how long I'd gone out'), why wouldn't he worry that you hadn't arrived home?

Again, what's wrong with a quick 'I'm fine, be home later' reply?

MadBusLady Sun 28-Apr-13 21:45:26

although a cold doesn't really warrant spending all weekend in bed surely?

You clearly haven't had the cold I've just had!

Fakebook Sun 28-Apr-13 21:50:35

True numbum, except I'd told him and my DH the night before I'd be home late. No one heard me apparently.

numbum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:53:33

LOL you missed that bit out or my wine addled brain missed that bit! In that case, fair enough grin

I understand that it's annoying, really very annoying, but would it have killed you to send a text saying "I've got a cold, spending the weekend sleeping it off, speak to you in a couple of days."

SarahAndFuck England Sun 28-Apr-13 21:55:36

Does your mother make a habit of getting hysterical when you don't answer the phone, or was it a one off because she knew you were ill?

We regularly used to get messages from PIL's and DH's siblings that went like this.

MIL: It's just me, ring me back.
MIL: Me again, just rang your mobile, ring me back.
MIL: Me again, you haven't rung back.
MIL: Is something wrong? I can't reach either of you, ring me back.
FIL: Ring your Mother, she's getting worried.
MIL: Has something happened, you haven't rung me back, let me know you are okay.
MIL: I'm really worried, have you been hurt? Let me know if somethings's wrong?
MIL: Why aren't you talking to me?
FIL: YOUR MOTHER IS CRYING, RING HER BACK!
MIL: I'm sorry about your Dad, but I know something bad has happened, ring me back.
BIL 2: Mate, ring Mum when you get this, you know what she's like.
MIL: Nobody has heard from you, ring me back.
FIL: ANSWER YOUR PHONE
BIL 1: You think you're too fucking good for us don't you?
MIL: <crying noises and muffled speaking>
MIL: I can't stand it, where are you?

And then we would get home from work or the supermarket or an afternoon shopping and find all that on the machine.

They once reported DH missing to his base (he's in the forces) because they had been on holiday for a week but he hadn't thought to phone them. Someone came to look for him and he got into trouble from his boss for wasting their time.

So, if this is a regular thing, you have my sympathies and YANBU. PILs are glued to their phones and cannot understand that other people might not be.

cjel Sun 28-Apr-13 21:59:40

I have phones for my benefit.I and all my family answer when its ok for us not the people calling. If I don't want to speak to anyone I don't!! Wouldn't kill callers to stop being rude and stop keep ringing. I've never heard anything like this with people coming round. Whatever happened to 'oh they must be busy' and be polite enough to stop harassing. If they are worried thats not my problem it something they need to work out not me. I shouldn't have to answer to meet their needs.

2rebecca Germany Sun 28-Apr-13 22:02:23

It sounds as though in the past you've made yourself too available. Start taking more computer and phone holidays on a weekend when you just turn them off and tell your mum to stop being silly and calm down and give you some space. I'd hate to feel that hassled but often people who are hassled like this have made themselves too available in the past. Regularly going camping or walking without a mobile is a good way of getting people to leave you alone on a weekend.

Oldrichandgrateful Sun 28-Apr-13 22:17:50

This thread has made me realise it's not just my DM who has an anxiety attack if she can't get hold of me.

For example, if I don't answer my landline I get left a message. Ten minutes later my mobile will ring. Followed by text messages. Then the landline will ring again.

I was taking a long, candle lit bath the other night. My phone rang. I ignored it. My mobile rang, I ignored it again because I knew it was my DM and I was just too comfortable in the bath. The phone rang for ten rings every few minutes until I got out of the bath and answered. It was my DM. I asked her what she wanted as I tried to explain I had a bath waiting for me and the only reason she called was to tell me that DF had a hospital appointment in June and could I take him.

I feel for you OP, I really do.

Charlesroi England Sun 28-Apr-13 22:22:01

I have phones for my benefit.I and all my family answer when its ok for us not the people calling. If I don't want to speak to anyone I don't!! Wouldn't kill callers to stop being rude and stop keep ringing.

Oh this. Absolutely.

There was a point in my life where - gasp - I didn't have a mobile phone. People had to ring me on the landline or send me an email or even write a letter. God, I might have been out at work or something awful like that. Nobody died, funnily enough. Try telling that to my family (I did - was pissing in the wind).
Phones should not be a crowbar others use to get in to your life

NotDead Mon 29-Apr-13 10:45:30

grin cgel - that made me shudder!

SarahandFuck - that is exactly the same type of scenario! I am so glad that others have similar problems and can see how frustrating and annoying it is!

SarahAndFuck England Mon 29-Apr-13 11:06:10

It's very frustrating. MIL and FIL haven't worked since DH was a boy and so they really didn't seem to understand that we might be out at work and not able to answer phones. Or, at the weekends, we might be out without them.

MILs phone is glued to her hand and once when I rang her and she answered we chatted for a good ten minutes before she said "Well, I'll just shout FIL to come and speak to you for a moment, because I was just on the toilet when you rang and I want to get off now." shock Who answers their phone while they are on the loo?

She is also the sort of person who, if you said "Don't ring after 7pm because of X", she would ring at 6:59pm and say "well you said not after 7pm so I just thought I would catch you before that..." and then wonder why we couldn't talk to her and take offence.

I can only suggest that you record an answer phone message that tells people you are busy and not expecting to be able to return calls until a set time or date. We did have one that said "Sarah and Mr Fuck are not taking calls right now, please leave a message with the date and time you rang and they will get back to you on X date."

Actually, it didn't call DH "Mr Fuck" on that one, but the next one might. I quite like it.

We were never really away from home, but sometimes we had a busy weekend and it was easier not to have to take three phone calls from MIL ever day that lasted about an hour each, plus a couple from my Mum and a few from chatty friends, while we were trying to get something done or even just relax. My job meant I spent a lot of time on the phone, and DH's job is intense, so switching off the phones at the weekend was and still is a bit of a luxury.

I hope you can get something sorted with your Mum, because it really is quite draining to deal with someone who leaves those sorts of messages every ten minutes until they reach you.

gotthemoononastick Mon 29-Apr-13 11:46:28

Old mothers hear about stabbings,muggings,bike accidents on the radio.'Unavailable' old children must expect to be 'found' after police and mortuaries have been called!!!

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