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AIBU?

Am I being over-emotional or is DH being a twat?

15 replies

quesadilla · 27/04/2013 23:07

Have just got back from two days looking after my mum who has dementia (with 2 yo dd) and am utterly drained, physically and emotionally, which likely is colouring thus. DH picked us up from the station and we went for a drink and a pizza before going home. On the way in to the pizza place there's an outside seated area with tables which was quite full. DH said excuse me to a bunch of people sitting outside blocking the entrance, becsuse dd was in buggy, and they said they couldn't easily move because the woman had a dog. Now these kids were definitely being a bit moody: the dog in question was a sausage dog which one girl being held in her lap, she could have moved. The other side was rammed with chairs. We could have gone right around but they were being unreasonable. But DH's response was, IMHO, completely disproportionate. He got shirty with them and said they needed to learn some respect. One of the blokes then stood up and looked like he was challenging DH to a fight. At that point I started telling DH we should just go but he wouldn't back down and a (verbal) altercation ensued, involving him at one point absurdly trying to rope in a passing community support copper. All ended without fisticuffs or major shouting, we went in and had our meal and went home. But I an furious with DH for thinking it was worth trying to win an argument with a bunch of adolescent tossers in front of dd and particularly when I was tired and upset. I loathe public arguments at the best of times and am admittedly over-sensitive at the moment so maybe I over-reacted: he seems very hurt at my reaction. But isn't the appropriate response here just to back down and ignore?

OP posts:

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LaurieFairyCake · 27/04/2013 23:12

I don't think you get to decide what someone else's appropriate response is - he gets to decide his own behaviour.

I'm not sure what you being tired has to do with any of it

Public confrontations are butt clenchingly awful but sometimes they have to happen so you can get your buggy into a restaurant.

ivanapoo · 27/04/2013 23:14

Sorry you are having a tough time but that probably means he is too - he might have felt more protective over you knowing you are vulnerable so acted out? Cut him some slack but at an opportune moment maybe have a chat about it and how it made you both feel.

MelanieCheeks · 27/04/2013 23:17

I agree, public confrontations are hard, and I avoid them if I can. So I feel anxious when someone else tries to engage in one. Especially if I'm emotionally drained.
So I can totally understand why this got to you.
DH's motives and emotions are his own, I'm afraid. Let the incident go. I hope things get easier for you and your family.

pictish · 27/04/2013 23:17

I think I agree with Laurie.

I'm a stander upper for myselfer as well. I don't shrink away from rudeness and disrespect because my husband is tired.

squeakytoy · 27/04/2013 23:18

You are being a bit tough on your DH. Good for him for standing up to people who think they are entitled to inconvenience others by behaving like twats.

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2013 23:21

'I don't think you get to decide what someone else's appropriate response is - he gets to decide his own behaviour.'

I agree with that, but if it involved me and my DC then I get to have an opinion too.

The OP said they could have gone round the group, and while I also agree people have a right to stand up to stroppy groups if they want to, this wasn't the best time or place to assert that.

He was being unreasonable to add more to your already overloaded plate OP, but as ivana says, he's probably stressed too and might just have overreacted because of that.

Don't be falling out about this now, when you've got so much else going on it's just not worth the extra hassle.

LeaveTheBastid · 27/04/2013 23:21

He was standing up for not only himself but you and DD. I'd be more pissed off if my DH or myself no matter how tired and emotional I was let people disrespect us in public.

geminigirl · 27/04/2013 23:24

I can understand you being totally mortified and when you come home from a very emotionally draining few days your emotions are on high alert. Personally, I bloody hate a 'scene' in public and go out of my way to avoid any 'unpleasantness' but sometimes you just have to make a stand against self entitled arseholes who think they own the place. Have a chat with DH about your time with your mum, tell him how you feel when you're looking after her, tell him how you were feeling at the time when this happened, he's bound to see your side of it. You could do with some some and a big hug.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/04/2013 23:25

Ouch OP you've had a rough reception here.

I can completely see why you would rather have avoided it. It isn't just the tiredness, when I am utterly wrung out emotionally I just need peace, sounds like you are the same.

Also I can see his perspective. Has he gone into some kind of over-protective mode maybe? He would like to shield you from your Mum's illness but can't, however he can square up to adolescents with small dogs? :)

You sound exhausted, but don't fall out over this, it isn't worth it.

UniqueAndAmazing · 27/04/2013 23:26

I think I agree with you both.
public altercations are never nice, but the people were being rude twats and your dh was probably quite frazzled himself.

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2013 23:30

'He was standing up for not only himself but you and DD. I'd be more pissed off if my DH or myself no matter how tired and emotional I was let people disrespect us in public.'

The OP/DC weren't in any danger from the group, and your post kind of reminds me of possessive/aggressive blokes who think they're protecting 'their bird' at every perceived offense.

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2013 23:32

The few posts there have been have been pretty supportive of the OP Alibabaa, I can't see where you've got the rough reception from.

quesadilla · 27/04/2013 23:34

I can see what you all mean, think I probably did over-react.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 27/04/2013 23:44

Aww, I don't think you did, but it straight off the train and you hadn't had time to talk to your DH about your trip, you could have done without it.

How is he generally supporting you looking after your mum?

HoppinMad · 28/04/2013 00:49

I'm not sure who wbu to be honest.

I hate confrontation too. But many folk nowadays, young and old, do feel rather entitled and need a little telling off now and again.

Having said that, I would be scared incase they pull out a knife or something similar. Yes it does happen maybe i watch too much news so would not encourage dh to do it. People have ended up being stabbed over trivial incidents and its just not worth risking. Or stressing over.

Dh annoyed me once when a guy at the supermarket muttered 'will you fucking move' to me which I ignored but dh unfortunately overheard. I really thought it would come to blows but thankfully after exchanging some grim foul words it fizzled but dh still insisted on following him down the aisles . Made me want to bash dh over the head with my comfort bottle that time.

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