To feel uncomfortable about this situation re: my childminder

(98 Posts)
Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:25:19

My first ever post but don't be gentle please - I need some honest opinions re: this situation as I think I'm just being petty. This is long and not a major, life shattering issue at all but it's bothering me and I respect the opinions (and honesty) of you fellow mumsnetters.

My DD is 20 months. She's been with her CM for about 9 months. The CM looks after her own DD and another little girl both aged approx 2.8 years old. I'll call the other little girl that my CM looks after 'Bella ' to make this easier to explain. Bella's parents are loaded. You know, talking about buying £1million yachts and £2million houses. We're not and neither is the CM but she's obviously impressed by this type of thing. CM and Bella's mum are very pally. I've no problem with that at all but I am slightly perplexed because Bella's mum tried to befriend me a while ago and then went completely cold towards me. I was always polite and relatively friendly with her but didn't jump at striking up a full on friendship with her as between work, my DD, other family and friends I just didn't have time. The three of us went out recently (me, CM and Bella's mum) and I have never felt so awkward in all my life - it was clear that Bella's mum felt I was intruding. It was the CM's idea to do this meet up and believe me, I won't be going to any others! Part of the reason I feel like this is that both the CM and Bella's mum are snotty re: clothes and stuff. Their kids are generally decked out in JoJo, Joules and designer stuff. My DD is in Primark, Matalan and Sainsburys most of the time, generally because I think spending a fortune on kids clothes is pointless when DD grows out of stuff in weeks and comes home covered in paint and food! When my DP and DD came to pick me up after the day out with the CM & Bella's mum, from what I saw, they both glanced at one another and then sneered at something my DD was wearing which yes, was a bit 'common'. They both made pointed comments about said item and I felt like the biggest scummy mummy in the world. Pathetic to be bothered, I know, but I was. I felt judged and more than that, I was upset that they were judging my DD. I'm probably being oversensitive but it bothered me. There have been other comments too in the past about my DD's cheap clothes.

Now, the issue I have is that 3 out of 5 days a week, the CM picks up my DD and takes her to Bella's mum's house to get Bella. BUT, the CM doesn't just pick up Bella and go, instead Bella's mum makes the CM a coffee and breakfast for the kids and they sit around having a chin wag for about an hour. I was never comfortable with this but I'm not one to make a fuss. Now though, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with this and want it to stop. Partly as I feel I'm paying the CM to look after me DD, not sit around with her friend having a chat, and partly as I know that Bella's mum doesn't like me.

AIBU and petty? I think I probably am but I can't shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't want my DD in the house of someone who clearly doesn't like me 3 mornings out of 5 a week. It just feels weird.

DoctorAnge Sat 27-Apr-13 16:40:56

Get your daughter out of this negative environment.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 16:43:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladythatlunches Sat 27-Apr-13 16:49:47

My kids get most of there stuff from asda the girls clothes in that at the minute are gorgeous.

Some of that designer stuff doesn't even look nice.

One of my friends always has the latest stuff etc and my dd's always have there'cheap' stuff on because 1. I wouldn't take them out to play in expensive stuff and 2. They still look gorgeous.

As long as you and dd are happy with her clothes just ignore the pettiness .. they are obviously just wrapped up in each other and cm trying to stay in bellas mums good books and agreeing.

If your cm has beeibg child minding for a while im sure bella is prob the only one kitted out in expensive stuff to play in.

zeeboo Sat 27-Apr-13 16:49:51

I'd remove my daughter and probably tell Ofsted why I did as they like to receive references from parents.
She is clearly far too immature to be in the position of caring for your child. I see my CM socially but on work days she is 100% professional and would never take the kids to someone's house without asking me and then sit there glugging coffee and gossiping nor would she stand for anyone making personal comments about the children's clothes let alone do it herself.

BuggedByJake Sat 27-Apr-13 16:50:04

There is no way I would be leaving my child with anyone that makes negative comments about something as irrelevant as what clothes they are wearing. It's going to do nothing for her confidence & is just plain bitchy.

DeepRedBetty Sat 27-Apr-13 16:50:18

If you feel uncomfortable then there's a problem. From what you describe, CM is starstruck by this 'footballer's wife' type. But this type of Designer Label obsessed shallow mindset will subtly start to get through to your dd, sooner or later, so start CM hunting now.

I'd look into the legalities of taking the child outside of the CM home.

My neighbour is a CM and I know that she had to have homechecks for safety, put up fencing to the required height, safety features before she could have any mindees.

The CM is taking your DD to another house for an hour+ three times a week.
Is she allowed to do this within her contract??

I know CM takes their mindees out to school for drop off/pick ups if the older children go.
Or shops etc.

(No ideas about the Law/Regulations but I'd be narked)

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 16:53:19

Hi op, I was a cm and only now after closing my setting have I added the parents in Facebook and socialised with them.

For me it would be unprofessional to socialise with them as we had a professional working relationship.

Your cm sounds a tad childish.

However you also seem to seek their approval for some strange reason. Both the cms and bellas. Why? The cm isn't a friend, she's providing a service for your dd and from what you say she's good at her job and your dd likes her.

This snob thing is obviously silly but your dd won't even remember her cm at the end of the day so won't be massively influenced.

I would stop worrying, drop and run, pick up and run and don't engage in personal chat, keep it professional.

It's quite usual for a cm to socialise with other adults and children as its good for the children. As long as she putts dd first thats all that matters.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm Sat 27-Apr-13 16:54:29

Perhaps a classic mumsnetty "Did you really mean to be so rude...." grin

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 16:55:31

Btw regarding cms taking children to other places apart from her house of course they can.

No cm would accept a contract that just kept the child at her setting as that would be detrimental to the child's welfare.

notfluffy Sat 27-Apr-13 16:57:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goodmum123 Sat 27-Apr-13 17:01:00

I'm feeling very sad reading this op, for you and your little girl. You do not deserve this! Report to ofsted, this is despicable behaviour and brings tears to my eyes. Your little girl cannot defend herself and if they are being like that when you are there, then please just imagine when you are not, and especially at bella's house. Do what you deep down know is right or you wouldn't have written The post asking advive. It is cruel and (prob being over the top) emotionally abusive, if your little girl picks up on it. I work in early years and if this was reported to me I would be taking the matter further, this cm
Is trusted, has a crb Etc yet treats your daughter like this? She has to follow the eyfs yet clearly isn't. Sorry for going in but if it was my innocent little girl I would be heartbroken x

MammaTJ Sat 27-Apr-13 17:11:20

I would be removing my child as soon as alternative child care could be sorted.

If they are making little remarks like that when you are there, then what on earth are they saying when you are not? That would be what would worry me. Your DD may not have picked up on it yet, but she soon will. That would not be pleasant for her. Her CM is meant to be nurturing her, not putting her, or her clothing down.

brainonastick Sat 27-Apr-13 17:16:29

Basically, would you want your cm's attitudes and values to rub off on your dd? No? Then you need a new cm whom you respect and trust to help raise your child.

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 17:19:32

Ofsted wouldn't be interested. I work in early years too.

Regarding rich cms? Some cms earn a great deal to be honest. See the cm section on mumsnet. My setting was very lucrative.

I think your cm is unprofessional and a bit silly but then the op does seem a bit defensive.

At the end of the day it's how seriously you take this type of silliness really. Only the op knows if this is really enough grounds to move her dd.

I'd be quite upset about the comments if our CM did this and I'd definitely look at an alternate setting for DD. Our DD wears a right mix of clothes, branded (2nd hand!) or supermarket. She's 3.5yo and now likes to dress herself, which does result in some random combinations. My CM might smile at us if DD has clearly got a strange combination on and I give her a bag of alternative matching clothes she might like to slowly substitute grin but it's a loving, parental smile, not a rolling of the eyes making fun at DD smile.

I also would be a bit concerned about insurance etc if my CM was regularly minding DD at someone elses house. I pay her to mind DD and I've also decided that her house is suitable (clean, tidy, no dangerous animals etc), what if friends house is a tip, building site, has an unsuitable pet, posh friend or others in her house might not be CRB checked. This is everything that I pay my CM money for.

There are lots of lovely settings out there, so get viewing and find someone else smile

ChunkyPickle Sat 27-Apr-13 17:21:13

I would be looking elsewhere really too...

TBH, DS generally wears second hand stuff as I even begrudge paying Sainsburies/Asda prices for clothes he once grew out of so quickly, and now gets stained and filthy and full of holes given half a chance!

My Childminder also has a couple of loaded kids, dressed beautifully and expensively, but I've never, ever, ever had any kind of sneering from her or any of the other parents - like others she prefers that the kids are in clothes that don't matter too much in case of mess, and the other parents are just other parents with their own lives to get on with, who couldn't care less what my child is wearing.

mombie Sat 27-Apr-13 17:26:18

This sounds so horrible. I would hate to leave my dc with someone who.judged and compared them. From what you say she probably favours Bella. What will this judging and favouring do to your dd?

when I worked, my dd was looked after by a family member, who also looked after another dc. the other dc was constantly picking on my dd, and the family member wouldnt do anything because the other dc's mum was always around. My dd became very clingy, always looking for reassurance. I went with her once and told her to shout 'No, I dont have to do anything I dont want to do, because my mummy said so!' at said child. They all got the hint. I digress, but the point I am making is the judgement and favouritism by adults can have a horrible effect on little minds. Especially when it is from a person who should be caring and supporting them.

presumably the childminders house had to be signed off as safe for her to carry out her business in? If she is then spending some of her paid employment at another house then it would need to be signed off too?

If you want to keep her as a childminder, I'd maybe mention something you'd read about that not being allowed.

Samnella Sat 27-Apr-13 17:32:58

YANBU.

I would find someone else.

IME, any doubts or niggles about childcare need to be dealt with and sometimes that means finding elsewhere I have been using childcare for 7 years and have removed my children on 3 occasions for various reasons: CM having too many children (under 5's) which impacted my sons needs, CM not keeping children in her care safe and a nursery where I heard a member of staff yelling at the children hmm . I would be wondering how they were treating my DC if they were like that.

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 17:34:13

"Don't get me wrong, the CM is great with my DD and DD loves her. It's more the snobby attitude my CM has towards 'stuff' that gets to me."

Your CM is not great with your DD, and NO, she doesn't love her, you are just telling yourself that to make yourself feel better about leaving her there.

Thing is, you don't know what a good CM is. MY CM practically tore the head off politely pointed out to a bitchy CM who sneered at my son, that he was lovely and what was her problem.

I LOVE my CM, my CM LOVES my boy and has shown that she will defend him to ANYONE. THAT is a decent CM. That is what makes a CM a GREAT CM. Your CM is a nasty bitch, pure and simple.

Get your DD OUT of that highly toxic environment, before she actually picks up on it.

publicserviceannouncement Sat 27-Apr-13 17:35:43

"Where else am I going to find such a great situation again with a CM that does clearly care for my DD and looks after her well."

This might be a good start www.childcare.co.uk

I wouldn't leave my DC with someone with the kind of attitudes that she has, it might rub off on your DD and your DD might believing in this kind of shallow nonsense.

Or, she might pick up on the fact that the CM and Bella's mum think her clothes are not up to scratch and that might affect her self-image. You've only hear what they're comfortable saying when you're are around. What do they say when you're not there? The environment is just too poisonous IMO, you should stand up for her and yourself and get her out of there IMO.

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 17:37:31

One more thing...

It's one thing that you have your DD in a situation where she will become aware that she's inferior to her peers... BUT you are being made to feel this way too! By someone you bloody well PAY FGS. she is YOUR employee to all intents and purposes. You are not doing HER a favour, nor is she doing you one.

Someone told me today that we can forget unpleasant words and deeds done to us, but we don't forget how they make us FEEL.

Get yourself a new CM. ASAP, and flaming well tell her exactly why too! That SHE is not good enough a CM to look after your child and that sneering at little ones is disgusting.

You want ME to tell her?, just say the word, I will! (((HUG)))

seriouscakeeater Sat 27-Apr-13 17:38:31

Agree with zeeboo
Cm sounds v immature. Remove dd, report to ofstead. Going round to your friends having a chin wag isn't what she is getting paid for. Judging babes at that age is hidious.

thebody Sat 27-Apr-13 17:40:52

CMS ARE NOT EMPLOYEES.

They are SELF EMPLOYED.

Please get this right people.

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