To feel uncomfortable about this situation re: my childminder

(98 Posts)
Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:25:19

My first ever post but don't be gentle please - I need some honest opinions re: this situation as I think I'm just being petty. This is long and not a major, life shattering issue at all but it's bothering me and I respect the opinions (and honesty) of you fellow mumsnetters.

My DD is 20 months. She's been with her CM for about 9 months. The CM looks after her own DD and another little girl both aged approx 2.8 years old. I'll call the other little girl that my CM looks after 'Bella ' to make this easier to explain. Bella's parents are loaded. You know, talking about buying £1million yachts and £2million houses. We're not and neither is the CM but she's obviously impressed by this type of thing. CM and Bella's mum are very pally. I've no problem with that at all but I am slightly perplexed because Bella's mum tried to befriend me a while ago and then went completely cold towards me. I was always polite and relatively friendly with her but didn't jump at striking up a full on friendship with her as between work, my DD, other family and friends I just didn't have time. The three of us went out recently (me, CM and Bella's mum) and I have never felt so awkward in all my life - it was clear that Bella's mum felt I was intruding. It was the CM's idea to do this meet up and believe me, I won't be going to any others! Part of the reason I feel like this is that both the CM and Bella's mum are snotty re: clothes and stuff. Their kids are generally decked out in JoJo, Joules and designer stuff. My DD is in Primark, Matalan and Sainsburys most of the time, generally because I think spending a fortune on kids clothes is pointless when DD grows out of stuff in weeks and comes home covered in paint and food! When my DP and DD came to pick me up after the day out with the CM & Bella's mum, from what I saw, they both glanced at one another and then sneered at something my DD was wearing which yes, was a bit 'common'. They both made pointed comments about said item and I felt like the biggest scummy mummy in the world. Pathetic to be bothered, I know, but I was. I felt judged and more than that, I was upset that they were judging my DD. I'm probably being oversensitive but it bothered me. There have been other comments too in the past about my DD's cheap clothes.

Now, the issue I have is that 3 out of 5 days a week, the CM picks up my DD and takes her to Bella's mum's house to get Bella. BUT, the CM doesn't just pick up Bella and go, instead Bella's mum makes the CM a coffee and breakfast for the kids and they sit around having a chin wag for about an hour. I was never comfortable with this but I'm not one to make a fuss. Now though, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with this and want it to stop. Partly as I feel I'm paying the CM to look after me DD, not sit around with her friend having a chat, and partly as I know that Bella's mum doesn't like me.

AIBU and petty? I think I probably am but I can't shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't want my DD in the house of someone who clearly doesn't like me 3 mornings out of 5 a week. It just feels weird.

emsyj Sat 27-Apr-13 15:29:23

I don't think I would like my children to be looked after by someone who is snobby and who pokes fun at someone for wearing cheap clothes tbh. I don't think I would care if my CM was taking DD for an hour's coffee and chat with a friend every day, but the general attitude would bother me. I wouldn't like my DDs to be cared for by someone I disliked or couldn't respect, and who didn't like me.

Saddayinspring2 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:30:36

Sounds an uncomfortable and slightly odd situation. Can you look elsewhere for childcare?

moogy1a Sat 27-Apr-13 15:34:18

they both sound quite unpleasant but I assume Bella's mum is nice to your lo? and Bella and your lo are friends. TBH going to meet other people is all part of the CM experience.
Would the going to play at her house bother you if you liked Bella's mum?
Personally I'm mystified as to why the CM encouraged the three of you to socialise. I wouldn't dream of doing that.

quoteunquote Sat 27-Apr-13 15:34:33

Stop leaving your DD with the sneery child minder, find a nice one.

Lora1982 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:02

I wouldnt mind her going to her friends house but the way they were being snotty i wouldnt help but think they were sitting there poking fun at what my child was wearing that day while she was inocently playing in a corner.

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 15:35:43

I wouldn't feel happy about this, it's not the atmosphere I would want for my child, I'd be looking elsewhere too, and I'd mention when I was moving her that she was going to someone who was non judgemental

SayMama Sat 27-Apr-13 15:36:33

What quote said ^^

EllaFitzgerald Sat 27-Apr-13 15:37:09

It sounds like Bella's mum is miffed because you didn't really respond to her attempts to become friends and the cm is trying to keep up with the Jones. All very schoolgirlish.

Do you feel like your DD is picking up on the comments from the adults? Or are the other children picking up on their attitudes and treating your DD any differently? If yes, then I'd have your DD out of there like a shot. If not, then you've got time to find a cm that makes you feel more comfortable. I don't think I'd want to continue using a cm that was judging me or what I dressed my children in. Massively unprofessional.

AmberLeaf Sat 27-Apr-13 15:37:16

I don't think there is a problem with the coffee/breakfast thing, but the two of them sound like shallow arseholes.

I would start looking for alternative childcare.

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 27-Apr-13 15:39:43

Is she a proper registered childminder?

Why is she looking after Bella, if Bella's mum is at home with them?!

Has she actually said anything about your DD's clothes or are you just interpreting looks?

It all sounds a very odd situation.

phantomnamechanger Sat 27-Apr-13 15:41:09

I would not want my child in that set up for sure - it wont be long before she is old enough to pick up on any snide remarks and different treatment that Bella/her mum may show her, or sadly the CM may even start behaving like her new friend

rainbowfeet Sat 27-Apr-13 15:41:53

Gosh, how old are Bella's mum & the CM?? They sound like silly young teenagers, pathetic & childish!! Not to mention shallow! I think I would feel the same as you it must be like being back in the playground with a couple of bullies!! I think if CM is registered & being paid to do her job then for the most part, maybe except for trips to the park etc then she should be doing the child minding in her own home!!! Where the correct checks have been made for the safety & benefit of the children! If this is happening on a very regular basis then yes I would mention it or look for a different CM.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:44:02

Don't get me wrong, the CM is great with my DD and DD loves her. It's more the snobby attitude my CM has towards 'stuff' that gets to me. I could let it go and didn't mind the comments, but since this friendship with Bella's mum has really taken off, I'm paranoid they are judging my DD which makes me want to thump someone, what with DD being my PFB and all that. grin

CM is massively impressed by the big house, designer clothes, yachts, diamond shoes etc etc that Bella's mum has which tbh, I think is a bit pathetic. The fact that Bella's mum clearly dislikes me (I'm common as muck!) makes me uncomfortable as my DD is in her house a lot. It's petty and childish, but I just can't shake the feeling. I'd hate to uproot my DD. I just want a polite way of asking my CM not to stop off for an hour 3 mornings a week.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 15:44:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickNacks Sat 27-Apr-13 15:46:48

I actively encourage 'play clothes' at my house. I hate it when a child comes in very expensive clothes and parent has a heart attack when they collect them dirty.

McNewPants2013 Sat 27-Apr-13 15:48:15

Sounds like the childminder needs a new job as bella nanny.

I would start looking for a new childminder.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:49:07

EllaFitzgerald, you're spot on.

They're both about 32. I'm 37. Re: have there actually been any comments, here are a few:

'Oh, your DD's tights ripped. They got caught in the car seat clp. Never mind, they were cheap anyway'

'Oh, your DD's Minnie Mouse coat was a real hit with Bella. She wore it all day and your DD wore her coat. Actually, you should have kept Bella's coat as its Tommy Hillfiger (sp) and your DD's is probably from Sainsburys.'

ppeatfruit Sat 27-Apr-13 15:50:16

Does your DD love her CM and get on with Bella ? Is your CM good with her?? If not I'd find a pleasanter one, it would be more difficult if she was a good CM (though sneery remarks and brown nosing the 'money' sound horrible).

Callthemidlife Sat 27-Apr-13 15:52:21

If you like the CM, you suck it up. You would come across as unhinged if you moaned about CM having a coffee during a pick up.

If you can bear to end CM relationship then do so.

They sound very silly. You sound very sensitive. Neither you nor they will change so all you can do is put up or bow out.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 27-Apr-13 15:53:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedinwhiteagain Sat 27-Apr-13 15:53:07

I don't think you can ask the cm to stop off for an hour three mornings a week when she is already doing you a favour by collecting your dd.

I think you need to look beyond the material stuff and think about whether your dd is happy or not and whether she is well cared for in a kind environment. I wouldn't have let anyone who I thought was an inappropriate role model for my children look after them for significant periods of time. If that is what you are unhappy about then find another cm.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:56:05

The comment when both the CM and Bella's mum were there wasn't so obvious. It was the tone. My DD was wearing trainers with a cute dress. Trainers had been bought that day for our holiday and she refused to take them off. The trainers are rather ugly ones but she likes them and they'll be good for when we're away. Plus they were cheap in TK Maxx!

Both glance at trainers. Both glance at one another. Smirk.

CM: 'Oh look. (Long pause, glance at Bella's mum) Your DD is wearing trainers'
Bella's mum: 'Yes. (Long pause, glance back at CM) 'Trainers'

This doesn't do it justice. It was the tones used, the glances at one another. The smirks etc.

My CM is registered and she's great with my DD. Bella's mum is not maternal, needs time to herself and needs to go to the gym hence why she uses my CM. her reasons. Heard her say it myself.

DeckSwabber Sat 27-Apr-13 15:58:34

The point is whether your child is happy and whether the arrangement works well for you in other respects.

You say that the childminder is great with your daughter so I'd leave things as they and just don't get drawn in to the rest.

ppeatfruit Sat 27-Apr-13 15:58:50

Sorrry shizzy I didn't read your recent post. Agree with married

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