To be disappointed with my friend?

(68 Posts)
cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 11:45:08

End of Feb a friend of mine called to tell me her BF had proposed and they were getting married in two months' time. She told me children weren't really invited but she'd make an exception for DH and I (who have a DD aged 4) as a) we're not from this country and have no family here and b) the wedding's about a 5-hour train journey away so we'd struggle to find childcare.

Anyway, we received the invitation in the post about 3 weeks later and RSVPd saying the 3 of us would come. Then she called me to say our DD couldn't come after all and had we already booked flights/accommodation? (We had.) In the end, we decided to compromise and only go to the church service and not the reception but I still feel quite annoyed that she uninvited our DD after initially telling me she could come and we'd already spent quite a lot of money on train fares and accommodation. AIBU?

LayMizzRarb Sun 28-Apr-13 10:03:30

It's her loss. Sounds like she has lost a good friend she doesn't really deserve to have.

Choccybaby Sun 28-Apr-13 09:10:37

I think you did exactly the right thing.

I remember being extremely upset when aged about 6 my parents were invited to a close family friend's wedding and didn't want kids there. While I think it's up to the couple how they want to arrange their wedding, I don't attend weddings where my children aren't welcome because I don't want them to feel rejected. To me weddings are family events.

I think that your "friend" changing her mind at the last minute was completely out of order

MidniteScribbler Sun 28-Apr-13 04:15:24

This person is not a friend. Friends do not treat each other like that.

Longdistance Sun 28-Apr-13 04:02:06

Well, I hope she's thorougly embarrassed by that. It may have been awkward for you, but think it'll be worse for her when the friend took the large gift, and you went.
I'd leave her to contact you tbh.

wonderingagain Sat 27-Apr-13 22:03:09

Don't worry about the friendship - getting married is a bit weird and stressful, it may be that the groom or any number of family members was involved in the planning. If it's a good friendship it will recover from this but give it time. Whatever happens don't be sad about it.

BollyGood Sat 27-Apr-13 21:59:52

I can't believe a 'friend' would accept a gift and know that you had travelled to see her and not have a change of heart and invite you and your family to the rest of her wedding. You sound like a really lovely person and I don't think this woman deserves you as a friend. It's sad when thing like this happen but I am just gobsmacked at her behaviour to be honest.

thermalsinapril Sat 27-Apr-13 21:46:14

YANBU. However I think she could be forgiven for being scatty or a bridezilla.

CSIJanner Sat 27-Apr-13 21:44:21

Your DD probably had a far more fantastic night with you and DH than she would have at the reception. A day out then mummy and daddy all to herself - what more can a little girl want? grin

It is a shame it's the end of a friendship, but you, DH and DD got to dress up, have a small holiday in a hotel (my LO's love overnight stays and sees them as small holidays) and got to be the bigger people.

Glad to hear it. grin

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 21:38:25

Can I just say how much I love mumsnet sometimes! I felt almost overwhelmed by how supportive and kind everyone's been today and for what it's worth, Dh, dd and i had a nice evening together in the end. smile

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 27-Apr-13 18:14:55

You are a better woman than me cinnamon - i was hoping that they would have said to you to bring your DD along, but they didn't - they are clearly not worth your niceness xx I hope you find something nice to do together as a family this evening.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 27-Apr-13 18:10:56

I hope you you enjoy the rest of your weekend smile with your family.

kerstina Sat 27-Apr-13 17:43:59

Well its possible all the ones with young families stayed away if their whole family was not invited.

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 15:52:30

Thank you Foslady smile

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 15:45:30

Her loss cinnamonbun - you sound as though you are a lovely friend for organising to go to the wedding and then still going to see her get married despite what she's done

cinnamonbun Sat 27-Apr-13 15:39:46

Thank you all for your support. We just got back. It was fine if a bit awkward at the end when we had to exchange a few words outside the church. We were polite though not very chatty iyswim. We were obviously the only ones who'd brought a present to the church (and a rather big one at that!) and we handed it to one of the bride's friend (explaining we couldn't come to the reception due to no childcare) and then left. The strange thing is that there were hardly any people our age there ( i.e people who would potentially have children), mostly old people. So not quite sure why it would have been so difficult to explain to a handful of people that there would be one child attending the reception and why? Anyway, feeling a bit sad now as it's possibly the end of a friendship. hmm

digerd Sat 27-Apr-13 15:36:13

A wedding reception for your DD with no other kids to play with will be so boring for her, anyway. But real friends don't let you down like that without any remorse or apology for changing her mind to keep the peace with others at the wedding who had obviously complained.

They had no right to complain to the bride about about her special arrangements for you, as you were coming from abroad.
She was too weak to stand up for herself and you.

pigletmania Sat 27-Apr-13 15:11:47

I would not bother going, she pissed you about

quesadilla Sat 27-Apr-13 15:00:43

No, that's bloody selfish and thoughtless on her part. To be honest I think the "no kids at weddings" thing is often quite selfish if taken to such unbending extremes. I can totally understand that it's a lovely idea for adults - particularly if they go back a long way - to be able to recreate their child free days for a few hours but in practice it makes it impossible for guests like you. There has to be a bit of flexibility.

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 14:46:44

Seriously, she doesn't deserve the gift - you've spent a shed load to get to a wedding, that she's then moved the goal posts on AFTER she knew you'd forked out for it all, she's not even feeding you now ffs!!!!!!! grin

facedontfit Sat 27-Apr-13 14:36:55

She's no friend. Get a refund on the gift.

It never ceases to amaze me that people do this kind of thing to their 'friends' I mean, when she asked if you had booked accommodation etc and you said yes, what did she say? Unbelievable behaviour, I'd be mightily pissed off.

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sat 27-Apr-13 14:25:24

YANBU

I would be cross. If I was feling really petty I might downgrade their 'present' and if I was feeling really REALLY petty I might not let them know I wasn't going to the reception.

At the very least I would make it very clear that you had already spent money on the trip based on the fact your DD could come.

I think just going to the ceremony is a good idea.

BasilBabyEater Sat 27-Apr-13 14:11:26

God, what is it about the wedding industry that turns otherwise decent, nice people into monsters?

Does she know you're not going to the reception?

I hope there are 2 empty places which they'll be charged for and will upset the seating arrangements <Petty>

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 14:09:30

Why bother going just to make a point?-the bride probably won't care or notice!

If you want to watch her get married, go.

If not, do something as a family.

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