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I can't cope with my new grandson's name(118 Posts)
Today is my daughters 28th birthday so i'm full of happy memories of her birth. However last week she gave birth to her own son who she has named after her father. After many years of being a single parent and remaining reasonably amicable with her father I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The whole of my parenting is in question.
My reasonable head says get over it but I find I can't even say his name, which is a very common name. Everyone wants to know my grandson's name and I can't bare to speak it.
My feelings are so raw I don't know where to put them. It all seems very petty to other people.
I can understand you having the collywobbles about her using his name, but I can't understand it feeling like a rejection. That seems off to me.
I say this gently: your kids aren't yours. Even if you brought them up - admirably by the sound of it - they don't belong to you. They aren't the reward for what you've done, the hard work you put in. I suppose I can only say this because my kids have turned out to be bad 'uns, despite my careful parenting. (I live in hope that things might change.)
I don't know how close you are to her, but if you find it unbearable to even say the name, then perhaps you could address the issue with her before things are set in stone. Go carefully though, try not to make the whole thing heavily-laden (re 'rejection'). Perhaps you could say you are very sorry, but you feel very uncomfortable with the name, you don't want to cause upset etc.
I'm very sorry to hear you've lost your mum. Perhaps this could account for your raw feelings to an extent.
I understand a bit of annoyance but do not give your new grandson a nickname or add bob
I am not an advocate of sharing your feelings with daughter because if you say can't it be his middle name and she says no ... you are worse off than before, also your SIL might just really love the name too so it might not be totally about being her DF's name
there are always threads about people being annoyed at close family/close friends not calling baby by given name if he is called James he may be called jim/ jimmy later but if parents always call him James you can't really start calling him Jim, nicknames develop other time and mostly with school / friends
She loves her Dad, obviously.
I wish my stepchildren had a Mother like you who nurtured a loving relationship with their father instead of demonising him for no reason.
oh so many typos, and missed or extraneous words - sorry.
samandi I completely disagree with you that it is a 'kick in the face.' At lest without having much more specific and damning evidence from the OP of the father's crimes.
The mother presumably chose to be the primary carer - as most mothers do. She may not have chosen to end up alone - perhaps he walked out on them. But I'm pretty sure she would have chosen to keep the children with her. That doesn't mean the father did not want or bother to care for his DCs too, in whatever small way he could, given that he was not able to live with them every day.
Contrast that with a situation where the mother wants to end the marriage and the man has no choice but lose his wife, his children and his home - through no fault of his own. Just because she decides, and it is assumed by all and sundry that the children should stay with her. Do you think that mother has the right to demand extra loyalty and not be 'kicked in the teeth' by an insensitive daughter as well? And what should the daughter be doing for her father, to balance the books and make amends for the hurtful decisions of her mother?
Children cannot and should not be used or manipulated in this way. I know it's very hard, if you have perceive yourself as the wounded party, but part of the job of being a good parent.
It's a sad consequence of divorce that one or other of the parents (usually the mother) gets the lion's share of the hard work and the hassles of single parenting, but that comes with the privilege of having the DCs with them every day, which is almost always the way women want it. The complicated and emotive reasons for the marriage breakdown need to be put aside - it is not a question of blame, or rights, or consolation prizes, or point scoring. Children have two parents to love and respect, and even if one parent is not always as deserving of that respect as they could be, it is not for anyone else to tell tell a child how much to love a parent.
Millions of men are deeply unhappy about be forced by circumstance to live apart from their children - as I imagine you or I would be if the situation were forced upon us. Ok, so they don't have all the daily crap and inconveniences that single mums have, but do you think, if they desperately love and miss their children, that they care about that?
You make it sound as though once parents are divorced the children must spend the rest of their lives viewing everything as one big power play competition, with themselves as the prize, and that they should have to choose to show allegiance to one parent over another. I think that is very wrong indeed.
Yes, I agree with OTTMum - emotional intelligence requires having the ability to see things from * everyones* perspective.
Not just your own.
Maybe you do not have the emotional intelligence required to stop you projecting onto different situations?
It is considerably less damaging to not let ones personal disdain and contempt colour our children's perspective regarding their fathers.
I don't understand why people are saying the DD is insensitive etc.
We have no idea why the OP and her EX split.
Maybe they simply stopped caring about each other. Maybe he was a philanderer. Maybe the OP was a philanderer. Maybe life kicked them in the ass. We don't know.
We don't know anything other than the OPs first post. On that alone I'd say why shouldn't the DD name the baby after her dad?
Your daughter is also her fathers daughter OP.
You say you have remained reasonably amicable with your Ex?
Presumably your DD has a good relationship with him?
So why on earth should she not name the baby after him? ?
Unless you suddenly start saying to your DD - "Well actually, your father was a complete twat and I hated him" you can hardly object?
Was he a decent dad to her?
And samandi - I don't understand. Do you know more about this family than we do? I'm assuming that OP and her EX split but he remained in the DDs life. Amicable split etc. so presumably he isn't an out and out bastard?
I am the child of bitterly divorced paretns and so I would never consider naming any child of mine after either of them. However my mother made it perfectly clear how she felt about my father so I wasn;t in any doubt.
You should take great pride in the fact that your daughter is totally unaware of how you feel about her father OR she is so far removed from him that she doesn;t consider that she has named her DS after her father OR she is a thoughtless cow.
I suspect that you probably know which is the answer.
I named my DS after my great grandfather - well thats what I told that side of the family. In truth I just liked the name and would have called him that anyway whatever my grandfather was called.
Anyway plod on and soon it will be his name not your ex's.
Yanbu. It was a pretty insensitive name for your dd to choose . Just accept you are sad about it and explain why to dd (in a non confrontational way).
I think you should tell your dd how you feel, because I believe in honesty and also MsJupiter gives you the best reason to tell her.
I'm sure your dd will understand or at least try to reason with you and explain. She may not even have considered that you would be offended because you have brought her up well, without bitterness on your part.
I think you should be proud of her, but tell her and then try to get on with it, for all your sakes.
The OP's daughter has two parents, not just the OP. Why should she have to not choose her DF's name?
Er, because it is her mother that has brought her up.
Many divorced women aren't that spiteful
I don't read the OP as being spiteful at all. Hurt, yes.
Clearly they had an amicable relationship
A reasonably amicable relationship.
*More emotionally intelligent Samandi?
You just sound bitter.*
Why on earth would I be bitter about this situation?
I honestly find it very hard to comprehend how anyone could not understand why this could be a potentially hurtful situation.
Please tell her, kindly. Or decide you can cope with it and call him by his name often.
My mum won't tell me why she can't say my son's name. He's six months old and she winces, shudders, goes to every length to avoid it. It hurts me so much. If she had said on the first day, please don't call him that, it will cause me pain, I wouldn't have. But she won't acknowledge there is a problem while at the same time making it clear there is one. Please, please don't do the same.
Unless there are some deep seated reasons that Im not getting regarding your separation I think you are being a bit dramatic really. Even if he has been the shittiest husband in the world hes still your DDs Dad, and she must have a reasonable relationship with him to have named her son after him after all.....really not getting the "whole of my parenting is in question" statement - do you think you have done something wrong?
Don't ever say my anything to your daughter about how you feel about this as how you feel is very self centred and wrong! Agree with those who say you should pull yourself together. Yabvu to feel like this.
OP she had a boy. If she had a girl she might have used your name?
"Can't cope" makes you sound a bit mad tbh - there is a healthy baby boy in this world, your dd has become a mother and you a grandmother. Pull yourself together.
More emotionally intelligent Samandi?
You just sound bitter.
The OP's daughter has two parents, not just the OP. Why should she have to not choose her DF's name?
I am afraid I would have nothing but contempt for any GP expressing dislike of a brand new DGC's name in any way likely to come back to the parents. GP's have had their chance to choose names with their own children. Commenting anything but positively on the names chosen by their DCs is an impertinence.
I think she probably has thought it through,, it being a very important task, naming your first baby and all that!
Why is it a kick in the face? Clearly they had an amicable relationship, I think its lovely to use family names tbh, why shouldn't the DD use it?
Or is this like when mothers guilt their children into not inviting their dads to weddings etc just because they don't want them involved ( reads think only they get to enjoy the nice bits of having children)
The ops relationship with her ex is completely separate from the DDs relationship with her dad.
She should be able to have a guilt free relationship with him, and to also be able to call her son whatever she likes!
I still think the op put this here so her DD or a friend would see it tbh, which makes me all sneery.
If couples separate women are usually the main carers. I think it's sad you assume all divorced women would feel upset if one of their children named their son after their father. They chose to father a child with that man after all. Many divorced women aren't that spiteful and would be glad their child has a good bond with their father. Many divorces are instigated by women anyway.
As a divorced woman to me it isn't at all obvious that years later we should be pining for our exhusbands and unable to cope with a grandchild having the same name as him.
To add, I don't mean the daughter has done it maliciously ... just that she clearly hasn't thought it out.
so samedi how do you justify this?
Because it seems bloody obvious that if they're separated and the daughter's mother has been the primary carer it seems like a kick in the face. A rather unnecessary one, given how many male names there are in the world.
Perhaps I'm just more emotionally intelligent than some people
The OP's daughter will have known what her father was called. The thing is that to her that isnt her name for him. I guess that like most daughters she will have called her father 'Dad' or something similar.
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