I can't cope with my new grandson's name

(118 Posts)
BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 13:01:49

Today is my daughters 28th birthday so i'm full of happy memories of her birth. However last week she gave birth to her own son who she has named after her father. After many years of being a single parent and remaining reasonably amicable with her father I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The whole of my parenting is in question.

My reasonable head says get over it but I find I can't even say his name, which is a very common name. Everyone wants to know my grandson's name and I can't bare to speak it.

My feelings are so raw I don't know where to put them. It all seems very petty to other people.

Donnadoon Thu 25-Apr-13 13:06:31

Gawd I feel your pain
Can his name be shortened / lengthened ?
He isn't him though and you will feel differently in time I'm sure
sorry not much help

Thurlow Thu 25-Apr-13 13:10:42

I'm sorry that it's upsetting. I agree with shortening it or giving a nickname - my parents don't like my DN's name (for very different reasons) but they use a shortened version which is quite sweet and everyone likes.

The first thing than came to mind is that your daughter used her father's name as a way of 'honouring' him, but felt the need to do that because she is so much closer to you, and you will be so much closer to your grandson?

Why is your parenting in question? It would be odd to name a son after you! Your parenting sounds great if you have managed your feelings about her father so well that she wants to honour him this way.
Your daughter is an individual with her own relationships, one of those is the one with her father. It does not reflect on her relationship with you.

Mrsdavidcaruso Thu 25-Apr-13 13:11:55

Does she know how hurt you are? If she hasn't registered the birth yet would she agreeable to have your Xs name as her sons middle name to keep it in the family

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dublinrose37 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:15:46

I think you need to take a step back here. As ELTQ says it would be a bit weird to name a boy after you so don't take it personally. Remember your relationship with him has nothing to do with your daughter's relationship with him, if he was a good dad to her its perfectly reasonable that she might want to name her son after him. Maybe the nickname suggestion would a good one.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 25-Apr-13 13:16:06

I think this is something you're going to have to get over without involving your DD. This is her and her partners baby and she's obviously chosen this name for her own reasons. Please don't potentially spoil what should be a happy exciting time by actually saying anything to her!

I don't know why it "calls your own parenting into questioning" I can only assume an acrimonious break up.

culturemulcher Thu 25-Apr-13 13:16:15

This must be really hard for you, but - as you say - you're feeling a bit raw at the moment. It's only a week since the birth and all the emotions stirred up by the birth itself still won't have fully settled.

Give yourself a bit of time. Maybe try to focus on other people who you know who have the same name. Is there a famous person with the name who you admire? Perhaps try to think of that person, rather than your daughter's father. Names can have many negative connotations, but with practice you'll soon come to only think f your lovely grandson when you think of that name.

Good luck.

Latara Thu 25-Apr-13 13:18:47

I think the name must have tapped into some feelings about your ex & the relationship ending; perhaps speaking to someone not involved about those feelings will help.

It's good that your daughter has a good relationship with her dad but i can understand you feeling upset, it would be better to suggest it as a middle name?

Congrats on having a new grandson btw.

Scholes34 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:23:49

Let your grandson take ownership of the name! In time, it may help push memories of your ex into the background.

NoPartyDay Thu 25-Apr-13 13:24:05

Maybe the misgivings towards her Dad are coming to the fore but you are entitled to feel this way. Maybe don't fight how you feel, go with it for now, just try to keep an open mind for slowly accepting how very different baby is. Maybe if you look on the internet for as for many people with that name as you can, even read a biography on someone with the same name, you can slowly lose the association? I agree with Doonadoon, as your grandson's personality develops, hence voicing his version of that name into the world, you may find it feels perfectly fine.
You no doubt know your daughter can love her Dad and his name and still love you to the moon and back- it doesnt impact how she feels about you as her parent.

thegreylady Thu 25-Apr-13 13:25:06

My step dil's mother was abandoned by her husband when she was pregnant and he has never met his daughter-he even ignored her at his mother's funeral.However dsdil has given his surname as middle name to both her children.She says it is the only thing he ever gave her.It is emotive and hard on her mum but it is her mum who has the relationship with her dgc.You are the one who will build memories with dgc and the name can't be allowed to get in the way.Just make up an affectionate nn for the baby and let it go.

MNBlackpoolandFylde Thu 25-Apr-13 13:27:17

I came on to say yabu its her choice thinking it was a my dd has called her son Hyundai type of thread, however after reading the thread I feel your pain.

Im a single parent and would feel gutted if dd gave her ds exh name although he is not involved in her life and a major tosser so hope it could never happen.

Laquila Thu 25-Apr-13 13:28:09

I second Scholes34's comment.

LunaticFringe that is very sad and I feel for you and hope you have some peace from hearing the name.

AnyoneforTurps Thu 25-Apr-13 13:37:47

Hyundai - good choice for a reliable DS with minimal service costs and a long warranty? wink

thebody Thu 25-Apr-13 13:42:28

But it doesn't mean she doesn't love you less or your patenting was bad! Quite the contrary in fact as you kept things amicable.

Your grandson is himself and noone ekes and anyway in my family we all have nick names so his name may change or shorten.

Enjoy seeing him grow.

DeWe Thu 25-Apr-13 13:49:11

I can understand how you feel. But look as it as he's named after dd's dad, not after your exh. If that makes sense. I don't think you can say anything without sounding bitter, and possibly putting your relationship in problems.
As others have said it will change how you look on the name. I was bullied by a girl of a particular name at primary, and met another who wasn't very nice at secondary. Couldn't stand the name. About 10 years ago I met another lady by the same name and we get on very well. She's the one I turn to in a crisis, go out with, my best female friend, I guess. I now quite like the name grin

Was is specifically after him though, or could it be a favourite/family name of her dp? Because my family could have thought that one of ds' names is a family name. It's my uncles, my great-uncles (on both sides), godfather, mum's cousins... It also happens to be my fil's name. So it was a family name on both sides.

My mil does like to compare my dc to a family member I don't really like. I'm not sure if she's trying to, but it's exceedingly irritating, as well as obviously wrong grin. I try and let it pass me by...

diddl Thu 25-Apr-13 13:59:43

What sort of a relationship did/do they have?

Maybe she thinks he was/is a great father & worthy of this tribute.

Or maybe she's trying to impress him/buy his love?

Pigsmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 14:04:39

Try an aversion technique? List all the people that you know with the same name, especially famous ones, find a couple of people that you like or admire, try to find a (good) picture of them and then practise the name in your head, thinking of these people and looking at the picture of the favourites, keep doing this, even months down the line (keep the pictures in your purse/diary) and when you hear the name you will stop bristling.

AlnwickRose Thu 25-Apr-13 14:04:52

Please don't suggest it as a middle name, or let her know how you feel. At best that's going to make her feel guilty. Like others have said, if anything this is an endorsement of your parenting.

carabos Thu 25-Apr-13 14:05:47

This happened to me in reverse, in that I chose my DF's name for DS1. Mainly because I really like it. My parents had a very acrimonious divorce, DF is a complete tosser and an alcoholic. However, I really like his name and it was his grandfather's name as well, so a true family name.

My DM went shouty crackers. I mean totally OTT. It was so overwhelming that I gave in, swapped his names around so his intended middle name became his first name and regretted it ever since. Not because I don't like his name - I do, but because in effect I allowed DM to dictate make one of the nicest decisions a parent gets to make about their child.

Sorry you feel this way OP, but YABU.

BrianCoxandTheTempleofDOOM Thu 25-Apr-13 14:13:00

ooo, OP I feel for you. just tried to imagine the scenario with me and DD (she's only 9 but her "dad" denies her existence yet she is desperate to meet him sad )

I hate his name, when I hear it on the tv or somebody is introduced to me with the same name, I inwardly sneer and think nasry thoughts.

You need to retrain your thought processes because at the moment, YANBU, however if you allow this to.continue then you will be beyond unreasonable I'm afraid.

Can you refer to him as (for example) Baby John and desensitise (that's a word I'm sure wink ) yourself that way?

Fudgemallowdelight Thu 25-Apr-13 14:26:36

I was going to suggest calling him Baby * too. Would that help? Then you can drop it once you start to think of your GS as the name rather than your ex

fedupofnamechanging Thu 25-Apr-13 14:27:18

I feel for you, but I would resist shortening the name or changing what you call him. I really disliked it when people called my dd something other than the name I had carefully chosen for her.

If you can manage it, try to view it as positive that she doesn't feel rejection or bitterness about her father and feels able to choose his name for her baby - it means that you have done an excellent job of not passing on how you feel about your ex to your dd and she feels comfortable about him. That's something to be proud of and so in choosing that name she is actually making a positive statement about your parenting (even if she is doing so subconsciously).

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