To be genuinely curious about how some people manage to get the world revolving around them?

[doritosmonster]

And usually when they're not really that nice a person?

Before I start, I'm not jealous, or bitter, or anything like that, I am just genuinely curious about this. Psychology/people watching fascinates me, but I just cannot fathom this out.

I met a group of women at an antenatal group when I had my three year old DS; there are five of us. There was a sixth member but she moved abroad about 18 months ago. One member of the group is a stereotypical 'popular girl'. She is very full of herself and extremely self absorbed. She never does anything for anyone else or even really listens to anyone else. Everything she does is right, and everybody else is wrong, whether this is about weaning, prams (she had the most expensive/best pram of the group, naturally), preschools, schools, brands of clothing, which hairdressers to go to, everything! It doesn't matter that some of us have older children and so know more about lots of parenting issues than she does, she just lectures us all, all the time. She also makes a lot of put down comments. Things along the lines of "Oh you've chosen X School for your child have you? Oh well, as long as you're happy with your choice it doesn't matter about its reputation I suppose". Or (directed to child) "Look at you all decked out in Next clothes for once. Nice to see mummy makes an effort with you sometimes".

What I find is that everything we do as a group has to centre around what she wants. Someone suggests soft play. Alpha's child doesn't like it so we can't go. Someone else suggests lunch out. Alpha agrees but we have to go after 2pm as Alpha is so very busy that day. I'm easy going generally and am usually happy to go along with things, however it's happening more and more that everything has to accommodate this woman.

From what I've gathered, this woman's family are like it with her too; her parents will do anything for her at any time, and she even has her 15 year old next door neighbour clamouring to babysit for her all the time. Plus she is on my Facebook friends and when I've looked at her wall before she has no end of people on there sucking up to her, asking her to go on nights out, sending her flowers, all kinds of stuff.

I just don't understand why people like this woman have so many people at their beck and call, and basically queuing up to be their friend/to do things for them. Also, how on earth do people like this hold onto friends? I class her as an acquaintance, and am happy to chat to her at meets, but there is no way I'd suck up to someone to be their friend, or try to curry favour with them.

Anyone else know anyone like that?

[madonnawhore]

Yeah DP's ex is a bit like this. She's got a brass neck. I think she's like it because she genuinely doesn't give a shit about anybody else. Unfortunately her daughter is included in that.

Most people modify their behaviour because they care about how it will impact other people. She doesn't, because she doesn't care. As long as she's alright no one else matters.

DP was in a nasty car accident on his way to pick up DSD from hers one Friday night. She hit the roof. Because it meant she had to delay the time she was planning on going out. She didn't even ask him, the father of her child, if he was okay until the day after.

Some people are just idiots.

You're enabling your acquaintance by letting her dictate everything. If you don't even like her or like hanging out with her that much then why bother changing your plans to make sure she's included? Just say 'Oh well, shame you can't make it, we're all going to soft play at this time. See you later'.

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

because other people let them.

People can only get away with what others let them get away with.

[doritosmonster]

Madonnawhore, that's awful! I hope your DP is ok now. The ex sounds like a cow!

It's not my call really tbh; there are others in the group that are happy to go along with her. If I started saying 'shame you can't make it, we're going to soft play' I'd look unkind. I'm not sure the others would go along with it either really.

[Freddiemisagreatshag]

What Hecsy said.

Some people like this have found me less appealing as a friend since I started to call them on it and be less obliging to their controlling.

[YouTheCat]

Get better friends?

The Alpha one sounds like a cow with her snide comments and the rest are a bunch of sheep.

[madonnawhore]

Well you're free to pick your friends.

Personally I'd find the situation really annoying and would probably take a step back from the group as a whole. Maybe try and cultivate relationships with the other individuals separately. Some people can just let stuff like this wash over them. But I have a really low tolerance for twatty behaviour.

[doritosmonster]

I think I have a low tolerance for it too tbh.

I am not easily taken in by people, and often see peoples' true colours when others don't or choose not to

[Sugarice]

She sounds a rude pain in the arse!

Are those snotty comments regarding the school and Next clothing aimed at you only?

If she's getting on your nerves and you're fed up of her general sense of superiority start to distance yourself and let the other women follow her around like sheep if that's what they want to do.

Be assertive and call her on her attitude.

[DeWe]

BIl's like that. I think he just assumes he's the centre of everyone's universe really.
I've seen once or twice where he hasn't been treated with the respect he feels he deserves (but is what everyone else would get) and he's been terribly indignant. Yes you are an ex-member of that organisation which sees 4-500 people in that position every year. They were not going to get the bagpipes out and piped you through the building proclaiming "THE GREAT BIL HAS RETURNED-REJOYCE" Are they? Apparently they should...

[doritosmonster]

No,not just aimed at me, Sugarice. She's like that with everybody. The others seem to take it though and to thrive on it and try to get even more pally with her.

If I call her on her attitude I don't know if it would do much good as I'd end up looking like the bad guy, but I think distancing myself from the group in general is a good idea.

[MoreBeta]

The answer to the question is here:

"One member of the group is a stereotypical 'popular girl'. She is very full of herself and extremely self absorbed. She never does anything for anyone else or even really listens to anyone else. Everything she does is right, and everybody else is wrong."

Basically she only associates with people that agree with her and freezes out or ignores everyone else. It is called narcissism. People like this tend to end up running firms and organisations or in politics.

[flossieraptor]

Some of it is a confidence trick. People hang around her because they think she is generating lots of social activity and they want to be involved, or at least have the option of being involved.

You say her fb page has lots of people sucking up to her and that just might say it all really. Are they just posting positive stuff to keep their toe in the door with her, or are they generally involved in her life in any more profound way.

[doritosmonster]

MoreBeta, I think you're right that she seeks out people that will agree with her and that will join in with her 'show'.

Flossie, I think they are doing it to keep their toe in the door with her. Some write loads on her wall, and she often gets random bunches of flowers and will then put a pic on Facebook with the sender tagged and they'll reply something like "you deserve them, lovely lady". Other times I've noticed she just ignores peoples' replies to her statuses and ignores their posts on her wall. I think she just likes to collect bum kissers. I don't understand why they all keep going though. Surely most adults come to a point where they 'give' in a friendship and get nothing back ever so just stop trying, whilst the people she knows never seem to stop trying.

[RiffyWammal]

I've known a few people like this - really obnoxious, selfish and inconsiderate but with loads of friends who seem to revere them. It seems to me that these friends are usually weak characters who are not very deep thinkers; they are dazzled by how the 'revolvee' acts like the world revolves around her and that she is all-important and fabulous, and assume that as she acts like that then she must be that if you see what I mean. It's down to confidence, basically. The 'revolver' subconsciously hopes that some of the 'revolvee's' confidence and popularity rubs off on them, and is afraid to upset them in case they lose that popularity by proxy, which continues the cycle of other weaker people being pulled into the 'revolvee's' circle as they too observe how popular she is.

Have you noticed how these 'Alpha' types always seem to be surrounded by other people? They're never on their own - or if they are, they talk endlessly about their other friends as if to remind you how important and popular they are. Years ago I had a big public fall out with one of these 'Alphas' when I had enough of her crappy attitude, and the reaction of the others in her sycophantic circle was very interesting; they seemed astounded, like they couldn't believe I'd stood up to her, and some of them said privately to me that she had hurt their feelings in a similar way. Then they all quietly froze me out and stayed loyal to her. I figured that I didn't need friends like that anyway and was much happier.

[doritosmonster]

I think you are right, Riffy. People are easily taken in by their behaviour and confidence.

What I've noticed with this woman is she's not necessarily surrounded by people, she seems to be a 'one man band' in a way and keeps everybody at arm's length. She is very aloof, and won't get involved in, for example, offering anyone any support if they are feeling low, or organising anything. She seems to just saunter her way through life with people kissing her feet and clamouring to be her friend. Then the less she gives back, the more and more they try. She is fairly attractive, I wonder if that makes a difference?

[doritosmonster]

Riffy, I have a feeling that if I was to stand up to her, I would have a similar experience to the once you've had.

[madonnawhore]

It seems to me that these friends are usually weak characters who are not very deep thinkers

Yeah, this. Or they're also vapid and shallow and the friendship is paper thin and mutually beneficial.

Sounds to me OP like you have pretty good self esteem and the other sheep don't.

[doritosmonster]

I think you're probably right madonnawhore. Although in all honesty I can't see/understand what anyone gets from friendships with those types? Maybe just the 'prestige' of being known as that person's friend?

[quoteunquote]

The only reason she is on your social radar is because you tolerate it,

She never does anything for anyone else or even really listens to anyone else

Why would she? she has no need to, she has an attentive audience already, she doesn't need to respond, she already has all of your undivided attention.

Everything she does is right, and everybody else is wrong

Of course it is, no one has contradicted her.

whether this is about weaning, prams (she had the most expensive/best pram of the group, naturally)

because she has to, as she is too insecure not to.

preschools, schools, brands of clothing, which hairdressers to go to, everything

In her opinion,

It doesn't matter that some of us have older children and so know more about lots of parenting issues than she does

This is when you use your mona lisa smile, nod and raise your eyebrows, then smirk,

she just lectures us all, all the time

only because you let her,

. She also makes a lot of put down comments. Things along the lines of "Oh you've chosen X School for your child have you? Oh well, as long as you're happy with your choice it doesn't matter about its reputation I suppose"

Oh what have you heard,do tell me more? Are you happy with yours? Jolly good then.

Or (directed to child) "Look at you all decked out in Next clothes for once. Nice to see mummy makes an effort with you sometimes

Ha ha you are funny, mummy doesn't give a monkey about clothes, it's amazing how you notice, do you spend a lot of time thinking about children's clothes?

You lot have not given her an inch, you gave her next ten miles.

No I don't have any such moppets on my radar, they either change tack to something tolerable, or disappear to find someone who will put up ridiculous tedious behaviour.

[KellyElly]

You say her fb page has lots of people sucking up to her and that just might say it all really. Are they just posting positive stuff to keep their toe in the door with her, or are they generally involved in her life in any more profound way.

[KellyElly]

Basically she only associates with people that agree with her and freezes out or ignores everyone else. It is called narcissism. People like this tend to end up running firms and organisations or in politics.

[doritosmonster]

Haha great post, quoteunquote!

Much as I'd like to contradict her, or say the things you've suggested (and do the mona lisa smirk!!) I know if I do, then I would 100% be the bad guy, both with her and with others.

[curryeater]

I am really interested that question. I think to some extent that people often get the treatment they expect. Expecting people to grovel towards you may make some people (those so inclined) grovel, and those less inclined stay away?
You see all this drivel on her FB page, but you don't see the other people who have passed through her life, shrugged, and walked off to get on with their own thing.

[digerd]

From what you say about her, I wouldn't be conned by her and wouldn't want to be friends with her 'cronies' either.

How can these friends/followers see in her what isn't there and not see what is?

[kerala]

The frightening thing is how early this starts. DD is 7 and there is one of these in her class. She is pretty and clever I can see she would be quite good fun but is utterly vile as well - saying nasty things to other children, really cruel things, but under the teachers/parents radar. Yet many girls clamour to be her friend, she has a couple of loyal lieutenants who trot after her and most of the boys are in thrall to her as well. I wonder if its innate in some people and dearly wish that the majority of normal people would turn their backs on those that are like this and it would take all their power away. But it never seems to happen. Any psychiatrists out there care to explain .