fuming with DH

(138 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 08:56:54

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:08

You are actually thinking of leaving him, because of this...?

There must be more to it? You don't leave someone, that you otherwise love, and respect and have a good life with, just because they won't clear the kitchen.

pictish Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:18

I think it's a case of annoyance spillover.
I doubt she regularly rings her dh on his journey to work to carp about the dishes.

She called her usband because once again he failed to uphold his side of the (already tipped in his favour) bargain.

My dh is an excellent pitcher inner - but he wasn't always that way...and on occasion my outrage overspilled and I had to let him know I had noticed, that I wasn't a doormat, that he was being selfish to dtop the ball on his responsibilities and leave it in my lap...AGAIN.

It's not about the sodding pans. If he was generally receptive to doing his bit, the OP would not care. It's his attitude that's the problem...fuck the pots.

StuntGirl Thu 25-Apr-13 09:46:59

Everything, everything Hully said.

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:47:43

Another point is that you are in this together. You are supposed to love, care for and help each other. Each of you should want to be kind to the other and just keep going with jobs until they are all done and you can sit down together. That is what caring is about, and fairness.

How can you love and care for someone who thinks, oh fuck you, I can't be bothered to do my job and wash the pans, you can bloody do it?

NICE.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:49:21

How big is your house redsky? If I put the dirty pots in a washing up bowl I would either have to put it in the sink and not be able the use the sink, or leave it on the side and have nowhere to cook or even make a sandwich. The op says she has a small house, it sounds like the kind of house (like mine) where there is just no slack for dirty stuff left lying about it - you can't do anything else till it is done. "making sure DCs are fed" - requires a working kitchen.

Anyway even if it is physically possible to work around dirty pots in the op's kitchen it is disrespectful to expect someone else to work around stuff you should have done. Fine if you will all be out and you fully intend to do it later, but not if you are knowingly leaving someone else in your mess.

In that sense, household jobs are like paid jobs. When I go to these meetings, my main thought is that the rest of the team is working hard and I have to show my respect for them by doing my bit. My job doesn't save babies. I am not motivated by thoughts of the world being a better place because of what we do (sadly). I just do it because I am a part of a team and said I would and I respect the others. The OP's dh is taking the piss.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:53:43

I would't leave him over it and i wouldn't break the family up over it, what i meant was if i had know then what i know now with how he was to live with it would have been something to think about if that makes sense.

MooMooSkit Thu 25-Apr-13 09:53:48

Another shocked person reading these replies! I BLOODY hate the word "nag", usually used by my OH to when I've done the school run, done my four hour shift, cooked the dinner and he leaves the pans (this morning actually to!) I haven't contacted him about it but I will mention it when he is home as it is unfair. I don't just leave my son at school because "i forgot to get him" or don't cook the dinner because i'm "tired" part of being in a relationship is sharing everything, and sometimes you do have to do things when your tired or worn out, that's life! He sounds totally unreasonable tbh and the fact he hung up the phone on you just about says it all really.

Hullygully Thu 25-Apr-13 09:54:51

he needs to grow up brummie, he is selfish and lazy.

VitoCorleone Thu 25-Apr-13 09:56:18

This would annoy me too, i hate waking up to a messy kitchen, thats why in our house DP does all the cooking and i clean the kitchen.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:58:05

Brum get a dishwasher.

Back in the day, when we first lived together the deal was, I would cook dinner/DH would wash up. Which he dutifully did. For 3 nights.

On the 4th day, he ordered a dishwasher. It arrived 2 days later. DH then stacked the previous 3 days dishes into it.

Sorted smile

miemohrs Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curryeater Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:24

brummiegirl it makes complete sense. It is one of the most important aspects of your quality of life if you are going to start a family with your partner (or even if not). I will tell my dds this when they are older.

If you just do half an hour's work every day that your partner doesn't, that is 182.5 hours in a year, or nearly 23 working days at 8 hours each. TWENTY-THREE DAYS that you are standing over the sink while your partner is reading the paper, writing a novel, playing the piano, learning French, working out, whatever he likes to do. How the fuck is that ok? And that is without going into the annoyance and humiliation of the lack of respect.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:28

curryeater- our house is a small 2 bed semi, one small living room and a small kitchen. That is all we have downstairs so your right, we can't afford to be untidy as we are sitting in it and i dread if someone came to the house unexpectedly. Your right about a working kitchen to feed DC. I had to tidy it as i didn't have any work space to get their breakfast ready and i had to move pans off top of cooker to heat up DS1 breakfast milk.

Fairylea Thu 25-Apr-13 09:59:53

Yanbu. It would drive me mad too.

How hard is it for him to wash up ffs?!

I dont quite understand.

The OP had a job to do. The DH had a job to do.

The op did her job. The DH sat on his arse watching the telly and then went to bed.

The OP then got up this morning and did the job her dh was supposed to do.

And people are calling her a nag? and telling her to suck it up? and not to ring her dh at work? Why cant she ring him? because he has an important job and cannot be disturbed by domestic matters?

Running a household, bringing up children is supposed to be a joint thing isnt it?

Which means both people doing what they are supposed to do, when they are supposed to do it.

pictish Thu 25-Apr-13 10:00:57

Ha. grin

I second a dishwasher too - we just have a slimline one, but it makes the whole house run smoother.
Then your dh can take his turn putting the kids to bed. We get them ready together, then take turns reading the story. Quality time like.

Fairylea Thu 25-Apr-13 10:01:37

What tantrums said. Completely.

StuntGirl Thu 25-Apr-13 10:04:20

Yes but redsky in that scenario you have come up with a solution to the problem. You didn't just think "fuck you" and dump the problem on your partners lap.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:11:25

To be honest, I was a SAHM when the DDs were tiny.

I saw it as my job (at the time) to ensure all things domestic, got done properly and the home ran smoothly.

I genuinely didn't expect DH to start washing dishes/hoovering/whatever when he got home - anymore than he expected me to pop into his office and give him a hand with some admin.

I was at home all day with a newborn, and DD1 who wasn't even crawling when DD2 was born!

Yes, it was hard work, but I managed to (pretty much) stay on top of the household chores - so DH's help wasn't ever really required. But, he always joined in with the bath/bed time routine, because he loved that.

Once I went back to work part time, then DH was given his allotted chores...which he dutifully did, for about 2 weeks...then he paid for a cleaner hmm

KeatsiePie Thu 25-Apr-13 10:12:48

YANBU. As others have said, it's fine to skip doing a job now and then, but if skipping is likely to inconvenience the other person, you should let them know you're thinking of skipping and/or make sure the skipping won't cause too much inconvenience. E.g., I sometimes leave the dishes for morning. But if I do that, I get them all soaking in one side of the sink so it's not impossible for DH to get a glass of water when he comes home. I make sure not every single piece of flatware is soaking so that if he'd like to eat something he won't have to reach into dishwater to get a fork. Not that hard. He would do the same. I feel like that's the real problem here: OP's husband is not thinking in a partnership sort of way.

Christ almighty, have I dropped in to The Twilight Zone? So many dismissive posts from people who presumably only skim read the OP. It's very clear that this is not a one-off. It's very clear he gets home at 4.30, so can't play the 'exhausted' card. Really, a partner who gets home at 4.30pm, has a meal cooked for them and yet considers doing the dishes to be 'a favour'? If you want to be part of a household, you play fair and pull your weight. OP's DH is dumping on the OP, expecting her to run around after him like a good little 50's wifie. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! I'd be fuming with him too. And he could whistle Dixie for being cooked for.

I got quite annoyed with DH when he went through a phase of only doing jobs if he felt like it. I had to point out to him repeatedly that the jobs don't go away if he doesn't do them I end up picking up the slack. I threw a major strop one evening when he was sitting down relaxing and I was still running doing jobs (I work full time out of the home and DH works from home).

You are not a nag (horrible word) and you are not there to pick up the slack. His share of household tasks is not optional and he is not doing you a favour by doing them.

MorrisZapp Thu 25-Apr-13 10:15:12

Hully nailed it.

And as for this bullshit about 'well sometimes I can't be bothered to cook so we just get a takeaway', that's fine but its not the same. This guy did not tell op that he couldn't be arsed doing the dishes. He did not provide an alternate solution. He just let her believe he had done them.

I would be raging.

Sometimes there is stuff I have to do that I don't want to do.
But I don't just not do it.

If there's 2 jobs to be done, and you have 1 each you can't just leave your job for someone else to do.
You have to find a solution. Even if its a ridiculous solution like I can't be arsed to wash up tonight so I will order us a pizza and we will eat it out of the box so there isn't any washing up.

You cannot simply sit back, enjoy your evening and leave it.
It's inconsiderate.

And OP, if he is getting home at 4:30, why can't you alternate nights to cook? Then whoever didnt cook cleans the kitchen?

Then he won't be doing the same job every night.

And yes it's all well and good saying her a dishwasher but that doesn't actually help with the actual problem does it?

It just means her DH has less to do.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 10:19:58

Actually, yes the getting home at 4.30pm, is a doddle...

When I was a SAHM, DH was building his company, and working a 16 hour day, 7 days a week.

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