AIBU to want DP to take a shower in the morning before work or just to wash at all?!!(77 Posts)
My DP is 50 years old and in a well paid professional job. Over the last year he has stopped taking showers in the morning before work. Instead he sometimes just washes himself in the sink or not at all. He then douses himself with Right Guard deodorant covering not just his underarms but chest and bits.
He probably only has one or two showers a week and always at night.
This behaviour seems to stem from laziness as opposed to some ideologically about bathing frequency. He likes to jump out of bed at the latest time possible and race out the door - a shower would slow him down.
I am finding his behaviour puerile -- it's like living with a teenager not a grown man - and his hygiene lacking. He does not smell great. I have tried to raise this with him and he gets very angry. Thoughts??
Ps I don't think people do have to shower every day. i also think showering/bathing in the evening is ok but men do tend to sweat at night and a shower in the morning can really make a difference!
I don't think it's necessary to bathe/shower every day unless you're physically active. Although that makes me a hypocrite because I shower every morning and have a bath a couple of times a week as well.
However, it takes longer to have a good wash than it does to shower, so I can't see how time and/or effort can be used as an excuse not to have one.
He won't come across as very professional in his professional job if he smells. I don't think it matters if he showers at night rather than in the morning but he needs to have more than 1 or 2 a week unless he washes all over at other times. I think a wash all over is fine, whether that's a shower, bath or sink. The shower is just quicker.
As he likes to be quick in the morning, could you encourage him to have a shower more often at night and make it clear his poor hygiene is a concern for you and for his job?
I'm a similar age to your OH and so is my ex-h. We grew up at a time when a weekly bath was probably the norm and I didn't live in a house with a shower until I was an adult. My ex-h and his elderly parents continue to believe now that a weekly bath or shower is enough. I used to hate spending a weekend at their house as they thought it was a bit cheeky to expect to use the shower or bath. My ex-h said my wanting to have a daily shower was obsessive and he sometimes suggested it indicated I might have some half-forgotten experience of abuse in childhood (no I haven't). I do think some people go the opposite extreme now though. My adult ds showers every second day and he seems clean and sweet smelling but any longer and he needs a shower. I shower daily but I'm fine if I wash in a sink instead.
My DP probably showers 3 times a week and generally doesn't smell, I however shower daily and sometimes bathe in the evenings, (sadly not often due to baby). I am a secret armpit sniffer and always top up on deodorant.
If he sniffs I will tell him, I have the nose of a bloodhound. If it bothers you then I think that you have to tell him kindly, as a compromise how about he showers on arrival home from work?
My Dad is 65, works full time (starts at 7am) and still has a shower every morning.
Either your OP is lazy and cba'd, or he's showing early signs of depression.
I suffer with bouts of depression and the first thing that goes is the motivation to shower, eat properly or do anything much at all.
But when i'm well - i shower each morning, do make-up etc.
The thing is that he has a shaved head (so no hair washing needed); he's a man (so no shaving of body hair needed) therefore he only needs a 2-3 minute shower.
First tell him you are worried because he won't shower & ask if there's a problem.
If he gets angry point out that he may smell of BO at work and showering is very quick for most men.
It could be that he's refusing to shower because you are asking him to - some men can be very obstinate and immature even at 50.
"It is unprofessional to smell of BO"
True MN wisdom.
I hope you have all taken note.
PS. When i look after patients it amazes me how many (men mainly) wear the same boxers / pants all day for several days... and they reek.
I try to influence them to be less lazy but the amount of male patients who say ''well the wife's not here so i can relax'' is unbelieveable!
Even before we have sex he won't shower just does a quick wash of his bits!! - - and you are attracted to this man???
Amused by all this talk of 'older men' at 50 - DH and I are both in our mid 50s but would always shower at least once a day
and DH is even more obsessed about personal hygiene than I am.
Poor OP. Your thread has been taken over with everyone else's partners washing habits
In your case i wonder why he is getting angry when you mention it. Does he get angry allot more recently?
DH has a manual job, so gets dirty - but isn't a sweaty person IYSWIM. He tends to shower every evening so he's clean enough for bed.
However i have to go against general opinion here and say i like the smell of him when he's a bit hot and ... slightly whiffy makes me actually more inclined to jump in the sack with him, not less
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thanks for everyone's comments. Who knew it would be such a lively debate?!
I'm going to have a proper talk and mention smelliness when I can. Sure it's laziness not depression and the anger is because he 'doesn't like being criticised' apparently!
Venus we already have a 6 year old but don't think couples counselling is needed for this issue. Not yet anyway....
But if he showers ever night then he is showering daily plus a couple of mornings?
Do you have sex with him? A dirty willy can increase the chances of cervical cancer or vaginal infections.
He probably only has one or two showers a week and always at night.
maddening - this is what the OP said, so he doesn't shower daily.
To those with non showering dh's, do you have sex with them? Seriously, I'm sure a quick ' Oi, you must be joking if you think you are coming near me without having a shower' would do the trick, or have you tried that?
Gross. How do adults think its acceptable not to shower. Weird. Disgusting.
How come people at work haven't said anything? At my work you would have been told to sort out your personal hygiene, wearing overpowering perfume/ spray deodorant isn't acceptable in a professional environment.
Ah got it - I read it as he always showers at night plus 2 times [dohh] ★
And in that case then yes he needs to up his hygiene routine
Boak! No daily shower is a dealbreaker for me, too.
I'm at some of the posts on this thread.
OH and I (and DD for that matter) shower at least once per day and obviously more than that if we've been doing exercise or anything else likely to work up a sweat.
I find the posts talking about 'men being immature', 'men being dirty', 'men never growing up' to be a bit off. Many, many men are very clean and perfectly mature, I'm sure.
And if you read the thread there are plenty of women saying they don't shower everyday, too.
I feel a little sick, actually.
YANBU. Basic personal hygeine is part of being a functioning adult.
My Dh showers every morning, and has a wash before bed, too. I wouldnt go anywhere near him if he didnt.
Is it really possible to have a 2 minute shower? I keep reading things on here about 2 or 5 minutes in the shower. I timed myself a few times when I was somewhere that had a super efficient electric shower and it took 10 minutes from turning the water on to turning it off, 15 if I washed my hair. Having a shower in the morning adds half an hour to the time it takes me to get ready, compared to if I just had a quick wash at the sink which would take under 5 minutes. Yes, I've timed it!
I timed my ds in the shower today - I could hear the water running - and it took 15 minutes including hairwash.
Before anyone comments about excessive water usage, obviously how much water you use will depend on the kind of shower, not just how long it's on for. We've got a bath with a bath and shower fixture on the taps, not a power shower. So hopefully not too bad.
Jan you would be quicker in a power shower. It takes two or three minutes to get your hair thoroughly wet, let alone everything else.
When I had a power shower my full turn on to turn off including hair was under five minutes. Now, just on tank pressure, it is more like 15-20.
Jan - what are you doing for 10 minutes? Do you have an over-the-bath-run-off-taps shower where you spend ages trying to get the right temperature?
I have a power shower so it's turn on, step under, lather up, rinse off, get out. I can shower in 2 mins, but it only takes 5 when I'm washing my hair. It only takes about 8 minutes if I'm shaving as well.
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