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AIBU to want DP to take a shower in the morning before work or just to wash at all?!!

(77 Posts)
williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 07:06:09

My DP is 50 years old and in a well paid professional job. Over the last year he has stopped taking showers in the morning before work. Instead he sometimes just washes himself in the sink or not at all. He then douses himself with Right Guard deodorant covering not just his underarms but chest and bits.

He probably only has one or two showers a week and always at night.

This behaviour seems to stem from laziness as opposed to some ideologically about bathing frequency. He likes to jump out of bed at the latest time possible and race out the door - a shower would slow him down.

I am finding his behaviour puerile -- it's like living with a teenager not a grown man - and his hygiene lacking. He does not smell great. I have tried to raise this with him and he gets very angry. Thoughts??

Ps I don't think people do have to shower every day. i also think showering/bathing in the evening is ok but men do tend to sweat at night and a shower in the morning can really make a difference!

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 25-Apr-13 08:33:19

My oh thinks its weird I brush my teeth more than once a day- men are tramps

MooMooSkit Thu 25-Apr-13 08:43:45

I have been in the same position as you OP, my ex was a filthbag and wouldn't shower very much so I wouldn't have sex if he wasn't clean. It's a total lack of respect IMO, why would I want it if his smelly and sweaty and cba to keep clean for me?!

williaminajetfighter Thu 25-Apr-13 08:49:26

Thx all. I don't think it's depression just general laziness. I am pg so we don't have sex much. Even before we have sex he won't shower just does a quick wash of his bits!!

Now I feel like dumping him!!!

fluffiphlox Thu 25-Apr-13 08:49:32

I don't think I could share a bed with a smelly partner. You are very forbearing.

Tailtwister Thu 25-Apr-13 08:51:16

Most people need to shower once a day, so YANBU to expect that at least. I agree it's desirable to do it in the morning too. Personally I couldn't leave the house without washing properly first, especially if I was going into work. I'd feel grotty all day if I didn't.

I don't know what to suggest. It seems strange that he used to do it and now doesn't. I don't want to scaremonger, but do you think he's not feeling quite himself? Maybe have a chat with him and try to get to the bottom of it.

80QuidYoniJob Thu 25-Apr-13 08:53:06

This thread has really shocked me.

HousewifeFromHeaven Thu 25-Apr-13 08:55:28

If there was a magic pill I could take rather than showering/washing my hair I would.

It's too much effort for me.

However I do do it religiously every other day for the benefit of my family.

See how nice I am? grin

Softlysoftly Thu 25-Apr-13 09:08:08

I don't think people have to shower every day but great for water wastage and nut necessary unless you are a sweaty person.

Wash and teeth Yes. DH does sweat so he showers every day sometimes every other. I only shower every other <<shrug>>

I am more shocked by comments such as "I feel dirty as soon as I step out the shower" and "withhold sex" tbh.

firesidechat Thu 25-Apr-13 09:30:24

Welll, if my husband smelt bad you can be sure that I would be "with holding" sex until he sorted it out.

It shows a lack of respect to not follow basic cleanliness especially when showers/baths and hot water are all within a few feet of where we all sleep. It's not like we have to boil up a few coppers and haul it up 3 flights of stairs these days. It is possible to shower very quickly and be clean at the end, so water wastage is no excuse.

I know that some people may actually like dirty sex (literally), but I would have thought that it was a minority sport and the OP doesn't appear too keen. BO isn't a great aphrodisiac for most of us.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 25-Apr-13 09:35:14

For all the flippancy, the word that really stood out in your OP was 'angry'. You try to discuss something with your partner and instead of listening and responding reasonably, he gets angry. Does he do that generally on other topics? often? The topic of discussion is far less the issue of concern than that reaction.

YouTheCat Thu 25-Apr-13 09:51:09

My ex would have 2 showers.... a year. I am not kidding either. He wasn't particularly stinky in a sweaty way, just reeked of booze most of the time.

If I mentioned it he would get all defensive and say his body was self-cleaning. hmm (He also thought the toilet was self-cleaning and everything else for that matter)

And he wondered why I wouldn't go near him with a barge pole.

LaQueen Thu 25-Apr-13 09:52:12

No. No. No.

We both shower every morning...DH will often also have a soak in the bath at night. DDs have had a bath every night since the day they came home from the hospital.

I hold no truck with this washing marlarkey...just a bowl of water, and using a flannel to essentially re-distribute the germs/hairs/sebum/bacteria/tagnets around your body with...how on Earth do people think that gets them fresh and clean hmm

"I have tried to raise this with him and he gets very angry. Thoughts??"
I would just keep raising it with him. 'You smell, and not in a good way." "You do know that deodorant can't cover the stale sweat smell. Together, it smells very sour." "Do you really think your workmates don't notice that smell?" ^"What's that smell? Oh yes, BO." And repeat, repeat, repeat. He gets angry because he knows you're telling him the truth.

harleyd Thu 25-Apr-13 10:41:16

everyone in my house showers at least once a day. anything less is just not acceptable.

Exactly as harleyd said .
2 adults , and 2 teens , shower and hair wash every day .
Couldn't sleep with a smelly man . Just no .

teacher123 Thu 25-Apr-13 10:52:58

I cannot even begin to imagine living with someone who did not have basic hygiene. It would be a total and utter deal breaker for me. Shower every morning for both of us here, quick splash in the bath for DS every evening, and I quite often have a bath at night as well. Also I don't buy this whole 'I don't have time for a shower in the morning' thing. It takes 2 minutes to have a wash and then 3 minutes to get dressed.

teacher123 Thu 25-Apr-13 10:53:28

Sorry as in 'it takes two minutes to have a shower'

Pandemoniaa Thu 25-Apr-13 11:14:01

YANBU. I couldn't live with a soap dodger. It'd be an absolute deal breaker. Also, if there's no underlying reason like depression, it's an indication of sheer laziness and a lack of respect for the person you live with. I couldn't start the day unclean and neither could DP. A shower is actually quicker and easier than faffing about with basins full of water too. So there's no excuse.

Even when I had teenage boys who would have liked to convince me that the Suffocating Smell of Lynx covered a deal of unwashed sins, daily showering was just an expected part of everyone's routine.

VenusRising Thu 25-Apr-13 11:22:44

You're pregnant?
He's angry when you bring somoething up in conversation?

You guys need to get some counselling - your baby will be a massive shock to your relationship, and you need to learn how to communicate, and be respectful before that baby arrives.

Babies are like bombs in a relationship, there's collateral damage all over the place. Make sure you're a solid team, or have reached a reasonable arrangement.

You guys need to get this sorted, whichever way suits you all best.

Crinkle77 Thu 25-Apr-13 11:27:21

At first I would have said yabu. I prefer to shower in the evening and see nothing wrong with a quick washi in the morning if need be but if he only showers a couple of days a week that is pretty minging. I think you need to be straight with him. My boyfriend is pretty clean and showers most days but if he doesn't and starts to smell I will tell him in a nice way that he needs to get in the shower

Startail Thu 25-Apr-13 11:37:26

Why do men get totally lazy about showers as they get older?

No one here goes in for more than two or three times a week, but DH has to be chased. Me and teen DDs go when we are dirty. Why is it beyond a grown man to do likewise? Why does he have to be told?

He doesn't get particularly smelly and he has hair that looks the same regardless if when it's been washed so I think he just forgets. He does get told no sex until he bothers now and again. He does shower then.

I don't think it's depression or anything else logical with DH, he's certainly not lazy.

Like clothes, he just doesn't notice as long as he's approximately clean and his outfit is work, casual, scruffy, dependent on need he doesn't care about the details.

I've always bought his clothes, as long as he puts shopping away and does the bins that's fine, chasing him to the shower is sodding annoying.

Perhaps if his DMIL hadn't made him bath every night in 3inch of water in a freezing house, he'd be better. She had to drag him away from some electronics project, 35 years later so do I.

Men never sodding grow up!

Vagndidit Thu 25-Apr-13 11:52:24

Encourage your Dp to workout every morning....then his dripping sweating self has no choice but to shower. My H's new addiction to running has saved our marriage.

livinginwonderland Thu 25-Apr-13 12:03:19

eurgh! how do people share a bed with partners who aren't clean?! my DP works a pretty physical job so he has a bath every day when he gets home from work - he might skip a day on the weekend but otherwise he's perfectly clean.

i shower in the evenings because i get off from work at 10pm and feel gross if i don't. i don't necessarily wash my hair everyday but i do make sure i've washed.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 25-Apr-13 12:14:05

Yuck, just yuck.
I shower every day as does ds17.
I don't have a partner but my ex also showered every day.
I couldn't live with a man that didn't wash, it would be a deal breaker for me.

mrsmillsfanclub Thu 25-Apr-13 12:18:03

My mum is in her 80s & has severe mobility problems which make her feel very depressed. However, she still manages to show every day, sometimes twice if her pain isn't too bad that day. I wouldn't allow dp in our bed if he wasn't clean. It's a basic necessity.

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