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to say my mum can't have my phone number?

(42 Posts)
Amykins35 Wed 24-Apr-13 23:09:38

I moved out of home at 15, my mum had thrown me out several times from the age of 11 and I slept rough. I was a mistake, the reason she was forced to stay with my dad etc - she hated me and made my life a misery in return for my arrival ruining hers. My dad used to work away to avoid her and her behaviour deteriorated until one day she tried to stab me. Eventually she was diagnosed as being bipolar and sectioned. That was when I was 14, she came home on medication and pretty much just slept for a couple of months before deciding not to take them anymore. She became very nasty to me again (in private, never public) and I moved out at 15. I had no contact with her until I was 20 and bumped into her. I was six months pregnant with DD1 and she told me bump was too small and I'd probably lose it. Fast forward 3 years and my sister gave her my address so she could write to me - I now live a few hours away. She asked how DD and I was but proceeded to write several pages about her and how tough life is for her (despite getting over 100k in the eventual divorce from my dad) and there was never any apology for abusing/hurting/throwing me out etc nor asking how I survived etc. I wrote a couple of letters back but she was so self absorbed it seemed pointless. I never had a good relationship with her, there are no happy memories and I have no expectations of a mother daughter relationship with her. My sister text today (over 2 years on from letters) saying my mum has asked for my phone number. WIBU to say no, she can't have it?

MagicHouse Wed 24-Apr-13 23:13:27

No, of course that's not unreasonable. Sounds like you already tried hard to salvage a relationship, but that the way she behaves/ has behaved in the past, has made it impossible for you. I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting to move on.

Snazzynewyear Wed 24-Apr-13 23:13:54

Of course not. You sound perfectly justified in not wanting a relationship with her. And make it clear to your sister that if she passes on your number against instructions you will be very displeased and will change it.

Casmama Wed 24-Apr-13 23:14:10

Not unreasonable at all. Sounds like it would be opening yourself up for more grief.

Not even vaguely - stay well away.

Don't know if you've come across it yet, but the Stately Homes threads on relationships will be offer some practical advice on staying out of touch too.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 24-Apr-13 23:14:18

No you would be unreasonable at all, don't do it to yourself.

TheChaoGoesMu Wed 24-Apr-13 23:14:25

Not sure. Do you want to cut contact completely or just limit it so its on your terms? If you want to limit it I would suggest getting a cheap phone that you switch on occasionally, maybe once a week or a fortnight on set days. But if you don't want to speak to her on the phone at all, then YANBU to choose not to give your phone number.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Wed 24-Apr-13 23:14:36

Wouldn't Ffs wouldn't

Ikeameatballs Wed 24-Apr-13 23:15:38

Do not let her have it.

Chucksteak Wed 24-Apr-13 23:16:48

YANBU.

You know that your life will become miserable if you re-engage with your toxic "D"M.

Maintain "no contact" and ignore. It won't end well if you attempt to be nice.

Your sister may have already passed your number on, so be prepared.

Amykins35 Wed 24-Apr-13 23:19:43

I don't want contact. I do wish I had a nice mum for me and a nice grandma for DCs but unfortunately she's never going to be that. I just feel bad for my sister as she tries to hang on to the relationship and gets very upset by the toxic things our mother says/does. I don't want her to get grief from my mum if I say no but I guess I could just block hers once I know it

MammaTJ Wed 24-Apr-13 23:38:08

My dad was just neglectful (and mum was there for me) not abusive, and he does not have my number.

YANBU. If you need a push in the right direction, do you really want her to be able to put your DD through the things she put you through?

StuntGirl Wed 24-Apr-13 23:38:18

Can you trust your sister not to give her your number?

MortifiedAdams Wed 24-Apr-13 23:40:41

In your shoes id be pissed off that my address was given out without prior agreement. Do not allow her to give your number too.

AnAirOfHope Wed 24-Apr-13 23:50:28

I think you need to tell your sister where you stand regarding your mum and that you want no contact with her. Its not unreasonable and its your right to chose who is in your life.

MusicalEndorphins Thu 25-Apr-13 06:35:05

YANBU. Wrote to your mother yourself if she gives your sister a hard time and tell her you told your sister not to give your number out. You prefer to keep your correspondence to letters. If she continues to write you often, just delay a while before replying and keep your own letters really brief, just polite, and no more.
I don't think anyone could blame you for not wanting a relationship with her. Many a woman can give birth, but not everyone can be a mother. Good luck OP.

MusicalEndorphins Thu 25-Apr-13 06:35:34

Write, I mean.

BeckAndCall Thu 25-Apr-13 06:43:02

I can understand why you don't want her to have your number, but she knows where you live anyway so one day may just turn up on your doorstep in any case.

As you say, if she had your number, you could block her or ignore her.

Was her relationship with your sister so very different? How much older than you is she? And did she never see what your mother did to you?

Smudging Thu 25-Apr-13 06:48:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isityouorme Thu 25-Apr-13 06:49:31

YANBU but she will probably get hold of it somehow, whether from your sister or via Internet.

You really don't want her in your life and she will probably screw you around again and your dd. I think it seems best to keep her out of your life.

ZillionChocolate Thu 25-Apr-13 07:04:46

I definitely wouldn't give her your number. If she has anything positive to say to you, like an acknowledgement of her behaviour or an apology for it, she can do that in a letter. If things were going well through letters then you could think about it. Whilst you can screen your calls, it potentially will leave you wondering/agonising about blocked/unknown numbers. Her having your phone number gives her immediate access to your life, that carries a lot of power. I think it would be draining to have to manage her contact with you.

ENormaSnob Thu 25-Apr-13 07:20:50

Yanbu

I would go no contact tbh.

imour Thu 25-Apr-13 08:01:54

yanbu i know some one in the same position , very similar life to you , they gave the phone number , had a few calls , then nothing , its like this person just wants to keep hacking away at them every few years ,hard to say just walk when its your mum or dad but sometimes you just have too if all they bring is misery .

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 25-Apr-13 08:03:29

You would not be unreasonable to not give it, no.

You would have to be off your rocker to allow that woman a means to harass you! Because she would. Can you imagine the late night calls, the abuse even?

I am surprised that your sister even asked this. Does she get grief from your mother and got harassed to the point where she felt asking you would get your mum off her back?

I think that you need to tell your sister no. and tell her that if your mum ever does call you, you will believe nothing else than that your sister gave her the number.

and you will change that number and not tell her either!

KellyElly Thu 25-Apr-13 10:03:12

Not unreasonable at all. Keep toxic people out of your life (even if they are your parents) as people very rarely change.

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