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To be wary of this guys behaviour and what do I do / say?!(165 Posts)
Not a regular poster but I've recently had one date and could do with some input!! Am I unreasonable to be wary of this guy?! and what would you say to him?
Been single and plodding along for a while and got back in touch with an old childhood friend after bumping into him on a train (I'm starting to think you should never get back in touch ever haha). After about 3 weeks of chatting online, exchanging numbers, I thought he was all very much like me with same interests, humour etc so I okayed a date when he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet him "tomorrow" after work for dinner; Now comes the downfall!
I organised myself to be free and met him on way home from work thinking as we're up the city we'd get a drink / food. Easy right? He suggests dinner at mine Flustered I say I haven't got much in need to do a shop and lets just get something to eat out. End up having rather awkward conversation - half flows well but other half of him going on a tangent about whatever he's talking about. Thought maybe it was just nerves as he's quite an intelligent man.
Automatically I pull out my purse as the bill arrives because It's just natural to me look up and he's very slowly looking like he's considering pulling out his wallet, so I just hand over my card and pay for it and have done with it. Then he starts exclaiming how no woman has ever paid for his meal and is all beaming at me.
Rather awkwardly he ends up coming back to mine for a drink... how I allowed this I don't know. I certainly didn't utter the words come back to mine! Over a cup of tea, we have yet more awkward conversation and luckily the tele is on to diffuse it a bit. I seemed to learn all about his ex partners and at quarter to 12 I'm wondering when he's going to piss off so I say "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint he leans in to kiss me and I laugh and back away, he tries several times whilst trying to get my bra off! I stand up and say right well I need some kip if I'm ever getting up tomorrow and his reply "I suppose I can get the nightbus". In a bid to just get rid of him I say "I'll drive you" so at 4am I drive him home eyes hanging out of my head.
Oddest "Date" I've ever had and so taken a back by the events unfolding i really don't think I was my usual assertive and upfront self. I thought my body language etc was quite obviously a "No, thanks". Clearly he didn't read any of these signs and has been texting non stop. I've limited replies to the odd polite one, but still he advances with all sorts of crap. In fact at 5:30am this morning he sent 8 consecutive messages! Even pictures of himself after the gym, the sky... To his sky I replied " nice view, mine is my pillows because It's 5 fucking thirty am and I'm sleeping!" he replied "trying to tempt me in to bed you little temptress?"
What on earth would you say to a bloke like this? I'm dumbfounded. My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt. He may be academically intelligent but he's a social retard... what the hell do I say?!
He would only be disciplined if he filled in forms as a lawyer though, exaggerating his status to a potential date is not quite the same. It's a pretty pathetic lie anyway when he has a LinkedIn profile and the OP on his friends list.
Makes you wonder why tell her the lawyer fib when she can clearly see from his profile that he's not?
What would be a disciplinary matter is if they find out he's been reported to the police. I'll bet he'll want that hushed up pretty sharpish.
Yes, he doesn't take the biscuit he nicks the whole cookie jar!
I think the things you were saying about it being programmed in us to be nice etc are bang on. My initial reaction to everything has been has been benefit of the doubt really. Thinking, Have I led him on? Is he one of those odd bod types who don't have much experience and have really crap social awareness like you see on The Big Bang?
It's only when sense kicks in I remember he's not stupid or some sort of hermit and he's got a job that would make him aware of this stuff at least.
The police guy I saw said it's actually pretty common for women who report this stuff to be self doubting. I don't have his home address but I did get his work one off of linkedin and they were going to contact him with a harassment warning letter. Feeling slightly mean that it'll go through his work
No, his employers might consider it a disciplinary offence if he was lieing to people about being a lawyer, particularly if he was telling them he worked at X Firm. I found the bit where he said he was a lawyer or not and the LinkedIn part a bit unclear.
He was on my linkedin friends list. I have to be honest I don't use it much as I'm currently juggling being a university student with freelancing and the odd bit of tutoring. Didn't cross my mind to check his actual job title until another poster mentioned it.
He must have the hide of a rhino. You could not have made it any clearer that you did not want any more contact. Glad to hear he will be getting a warning letter. Fingers crossed he will finally get the message!
Just in case someone may not be taking this sort of scenario seriously, I thought I'd tell you that I had a similar experience. In fact several, way back in the early 80s.
The time an apparently friendly bloke I'd just had a meal with just kind of followed me home and inveigled his way in, he raped me. Yes, I'd told him to go, yes I'd made it clear I wasn't interested. He got in on the pretext of needing a wee. He had followed me home apparently to ensure I was safe.
So, lurkers, report these guys before it happens.
It's done now and I expect he'll keep away.
Lawyer is not a restricted term. Solicitor or barrister or nurse or doctor are. So I can call myself a therapist or life coach even if I have no qualifications but I must not call myself a doctor in public if I am not. So if his linked in profile said he was a lawyer and he worked at a law firm I don't think he's broken that particular law whereas if he says he is a solicitor or barrister he will have done.
I think the lesson is don't invite men back on the first date. Don't allow them to walk you home. If you do want him to come in say yes come in for 5 mins and then make sure they leave after 5 minutes. It seems a very very strange lack of ability to assert. I think a lot of women need assertiveness training and I hope they bring up their daughters to be assertive.
The fact she paid doesn't matter. I pay sometimes. Why should men pay all the time although you might have expected him to offer to pay at least half.
He sounds like one to avoid in future.
I would hope Xenia that whilst women are bringing up daughters to be assertive and distrustful of men, that they are also bringing up their sons to be respectful, to never take advantage, to realise that no means no and to have a clear idea of what rape is.
It should not be down to the women to prevent themselves from being raped. It's down to the men to CHOOSE not to be rapists.
So if his linked in profile said he was a lawyer and he worked at a law firm I don't think he's broken that particular law whereas if he says he is a solicitor or barrister he will have done
What particular law are you referring to? The guys a paralegal. By no stretch of the widest imagination is he a lawyer. Lawyer is a generic term that refers to solicitors, barristers, academic lawyers and prosecutors. Not paralegals. Lawyers will have the LLB degree or have done professional Law Society exams specifically with a purpose to becoming a solicitor or barrister. Paralegals are not required to have any qualifications at all (not even Standard Grades) though of course they may have.
There is a criminal offence but only if someone who doesn't hold a practising certificate carries out legal work and charges for it.
"A Paralegal is a person qualified through education and training to perform substantive legal work that requires knowledge of the law and procedures and who is not a qualified solicitor or barrister. Paralegals may work for, or be retained by solicitors within the legal profession or they may work within a legal environment within commerce, industry or the public sector." - National Association of Licensed Paralegals
The definition of a lawyer by the LSA is only a guide. Unless you are using the term in a professional manner i.e. charging for your services as a lawyer then I doubt anyone would bat an eyelid.
Some lawyers also practice as paralegals. They are not unqualified and require training. Not quite a lawyer then but he will know the law and he will have had training and qualifications to get that position.
You do get intelligent weirdos too.
I'm sorry that happened to you Jux. I bet the guy doesn't even think he's a rapist.
It's interesting isn't it?
I am not sure that you break any law if you call a legal secretary say with 10 years experience of doing quite a bit of legal work a paralegal.
The act which says you cannot call yourself a solicitor unless are you are one is one of the Solicitors Acts. There is a similar act for the words barrister, nurse, doctor. They are statutory prescribed words. There is no such legislation protecting against use of the word para legal or lawyer or attorney, contracts manager, purchasing manager, legal adviser.
So you are much less at risk if you use those terms as they have no statutory definition. Although general law against miselading selling such as the Consumer Protection from Unfair Trading regulations might apply just as if I said a plastic jumper were made of silk when it wasn't. Then you would have to get out your dictionary and decide what the term means. The fact an association has decided to produce a definition which many may not agree with I suspect does not add to the debate.
I could set up the association of life coaches tomorrow and produce my own definition and say I'm a life coach.
I think we get it that this bloke didn't break any rules by merely telling her he was a lawyer, it only illustrated his arrogance.
Sorry to go on about it LessMiss but I wanted to make the point that he is an educated man who is well versed in the law because it's important that women realise that even respectable, educated men can be creeps and they shouldn't allow any man to use their so-called 'power' to take advantage. Often the more educated the man, the more intimidating he can be.
Xenia...I think the lesson is don't invite men back on the first date.
Don't allow them to walk you home. If you do want him to come in say yes come in for 5 mins and then make sure they leave after 5 minutes.
Well aren't you a delightful flower
It seems a very very strange lack of ability to assert.
I could think of some very assertive responses for that
I think a lot of women need assertiveness training and I hope they bring up their daughters to be assertive.
Clearly you never read all of my posts... if you had perhaps your head wouldn't be shoved as far up your own arse.
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