To be wary of this guys behaviour and what do I do / say?!(165 Posts)
Not a regular poster but I've recently had one date and could do with some input!! Am I unreasonable to be wary of this guy?! and what would you say to him?
Been single and plodding along for a while and got back in touch with an old childhood friend after bumping into him on a train (I'm starting to think you should never get back in touch ever haha). After about 3 weeks of chatting online, exchanging numbers, I thought he was all very much like me with same interests, humour etc so I okayed a date when he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet him "tomorrow" after work for dinner; Now comes the downfall!
I organised myself to be free and met him on way home from work thinking as we're up the city we'd get a drink / food. Easy right? He suggests dinner at mine Flustered I say I haven't got much in need to do a shop and lets just get something to eat out. End up having rather awkward conversation - half flows well but other half of him going on a tangent about whatever he's talking about. Thought maybe it was just nerves as he's quite an intelligent man.
Automatically I pull out my purse as the bill arrives because It's just natural to me look up and he's very slowly looking like he's considering pulling out his wallet, so I just hand over my card and pay for it and have done with it. Then he starts exclaiming how no woman has ever paid for his meal and is all beaming at me.
Rather awkwardly he ends up coming back to mine for a drink... how I allowed this I don't know. I certainly didn't utter the words come back to mine! Over a cup of tea, we have yet more awkward conversation and luckily the tele is on to diffuse it a bit. I seemed to learn all about his ex partners and at quarter to 12 I'm wondering when he's going to piss off so I say "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint he leans in to kiss me and I laugh and back away, he tries several times whilst trying to get my bra off! I stand up and say right well I need some kip if I'm ever getting up tomorrow and his reply "I suppose I can get the nightbus". In a bid to just get rid of him I say "I'll drive you" so at 4am I drive him home eyes hanging out of my head.
Oddest "Date" I've ever had and so taken a back by the events unfolding i really don't think I was my usual assertive and upfront self. I thought my body language etc was quite obviously a "No, thanks". Clearly he didn't read any of these signs and has been texting non stop. I've limited replies to the odd polite one, but still he advances with all sorts of crap. In fact at 5:30am this morning he sent 8 consecutive messages! Even pictures of himself after the gym, the sky... To his sky I replied " nice view, mine is my pillows because It's 5 fucking thirty am and I'm sleeping!" he replied "trying to tempt me in to bed you little temptress?"
What on earth would you say to a bloke like this? I'm dumbfounded. My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt. He may be academically intelligent but he's a social retard... what the hell do I say?!
GlassofRose well done, you might just save another woman from being harrassed in this way or help to nail him if he does push the boundaries even further.
All this cross-questioning and amateur sleuthdom gets on my fecking tits
Oh blimey yes.
great message OP, subtle messages were not working, hopefully this has done the trick. well done.
rhubarb - Completely understand. I do see why it would cause offence and why you wouldn't use it. Like you I have relatives with learning difficulties, some in assisted care homes - wouldn't dream of using the word to describe anyone with any needs/difficulties or even compare this idiot to them. What an insult to them that will be. I suppose I amounted the word retard to idiot rather than special needs but I'll say no more on it; No offence was intended to anyone.
For those of you questioning his lawyer credentials: I've just been on to LinkedIn to delete our connection and he's listed as being a paralegal so he has indeed been hamming it up.
Paralegal? He offers services to the supernatural?
Well, he is almost certainly fully legally qualified. There's a lot of competition even to be a City paralegal nowadays.
Not quite the big I am he made out though.
As for checking whether he is a genuine lawyer? For what purpose. I've seen his graduation photos, bumped into him on his way home from the city and seen where he works as we were connected on LinkedIn
Because you're already on the internet and it takes about two minutes on the Law Society's site (set up for that very purpose) to check.
Because men who behave in such an odd manner tend also to be liars and fantasists and since you have already expressed concern over the fact that he knows where you live, personally I'd want to arm myself with as much information as possible.
Sorry I suggested it though.
I am confused as to why people are questioning if he is a lawyer? What does it matter? He behaved like an eejit and became a pest, I think that the message to him about contacting the police should do the trick, also blocking him on FB and linkedin.
I was in a similar position, also in London and a threat of the police did the job, when the guy started calling my work (annoying colleagues as I wasn't office based) I knew that I had to act. The police said that they could contact him just to say that they had received a call from me about his behaviour but it didn't come to that, (they can make that call to his mobile) just the threat worked.
Incidentally I would also recognise someone from primary school now, would strike up conversion and would probably feel safer with them than a random date, so don't beat yourself up about that.
Oh right. Posted before I saw the update about him being a paralegal. He might have a law degree (of some kind) but unless he is a practising solicitor, it would be a bit unusual to describe himself as a lawyer, which is generally taken to mean solicitors, barristers, academic lawyers and prosecutors. Not paralegals.
A paralegal does not require the LLB degree, as all the above (mostly) do. I'm not even sure that all paralegals require degrees. There are some solicitors who work as paralegals after being struck off.
Of course there are men out there who act like this. I'm shocked that people are questioning this. Hell, I've known more than a couple, myself, and I didn't even date much before meeting DH.
I'm glad you sent the text, and hopefully that's the end of it.
I once had a date with a bloke I knew who was a friend of my friends. This bloke was a copper and seemed charming enough, everyone in my circle of friends knew him so when he asked me on a date I agreed.
We spent the entire evening watching all bloody 3 Star Wars movies - no kisses, no cuddles, no drinks just him telling me nerdy snippets about each movie.
Another bloke was at Uni and I used to meet him in his room where we'd sit side by side listening to his U2 album. I fell for his Irish accent but my goodness the bloke was a complete bore. After 2 weeks we hadn't got further than holding hands and he never wanted to go out anywhere. Just sitting in his room listening to his music was excitement enough for him I think.
Then there was the bloke whose chat up line was "I've been watching you for some time now...."
Oh and an old friend of dh's, on meeting me for the first time actually shook dh's hand and said in front of me "she's a nice catch, where'd you get her from?"
Please don't think I was victim blaming in my posts. It's just I have done this (let a man come back to my house) it wasn't good but could've been a whole lot worse.
rhubarb - you half quoted my night there... He sat there lip synching the big bang theory prior to trying to get intimate with me on the sofa.
Well I still haven't heard from him which is a relief!
Well done OP, excellent message and it will hopefully keep him away.
I can see why you were less quick to go 'fuck off nutter' than you might have been in that someone you have fond childhood memories of is difficult to be rude to. But selfish men and rapists (which this man probably is; just one that hasn't been prosecuted yet) rely on the fact that women are socialized very firmly to be nice to men, not to anger them, and to be flattered and grateful for their attention.
Not sure SGB, I think we all socialised to be grateful for any kind of attention and our culture is notoriously too polite. Look at how many women are taken advantage of by other women to be unpaid babysitters, to pay for lunches, to give them lifts, etc. Mumsnet is full of threads from under-confident women asking how to deal with so-called friends who take advantage.
Perhaps is it a particularly British thing too. Giving out compliments doesn't come naturally to most and what do we do when we are given a compliment? We deny it straight away. I've found that this doesn't happen across the pond where they are more likely to give and take compliments.
I don't think you can label him as a probable rapist either. Yes he's a dick but would he go so far as to take sexual advantage? We don't know. Maybe and maybe not. But if GlassofRose does report the texts to the police then should he ever push his luck and prove himself to be a rapist, there is evidence there that will help in his prosecution.
You'd hope that it will never come to that but there are both men and women out there who are all too willing to prey upon polite and under confident victims. I'm glad that the OP ditched the polite approach for a more forceful one.
Pity they don't do confidence lessons at school along with lessons on respect.
I'm not sure I can assume he's probably a rapist... but then again thinking about it we're all kind of programmed to imagine rapists as some bloke in a hoodie down a dark alleyway.
His behaviour advances on the date weren't overly forceful. He tried to kiss me and I laughed which was a mixture of nerves and shock as I clearly wasn't sending out signals. He kept pressing to kiss me and he had his arm behind me trying to unclasp my bra rather quick. I got up for a drink and sat on back down on the opposite sofa. The lack of "Fuck off" was out of sheer shock really.
The rapists in dark alleyways are definitely in the minority and most rapists don't even realise they are rapists, in fact most rape victims don't see themselves as such.
GlassOfRose: he was behaving like a rapist, though. He kept ignoring your hints and signals that you were not interested and overriding your objections, he kept mauling your body and kissing you despite your obvious lack of enthusiasm. He insisted on coming into your house when you didn't want him there, and if you hadn't been firm enough about driving him home, he would have been trying to stick his dick in you all night.
This isn't a man who is socially inept or who struggles to pick up social cues, this is a man who thinks that he is entitled to have sex on women, and he's going to keep on pushing until it gets to the point where he has to either cross the line and acknowledge (to himself) that if he contineus then he's raping the woman ie she's told him to leave the house or slapped him or something, or decide to back off for the moment but to behave as though the woman is the one in the wrong for not accepting his right to stick his dick in her.
Date -Rape almost. Hope he got the message finally.
Have you contacted the police OP?
Allover - Yes, I have.
After a few quiet days I got several short messages from him:
"I don't follow?"
"I really like you, thought you liked me back?"
"I want us to have a chance"
It was either a ploy to plead innocence or he really doesn't understand how inappropriate his behaviour is!
So I didn't reply to any and followed through with popping into the police. I relayed everything and showed them all of the messages on my phone. Really glad I posted on here because I was really doubting myself to begin with.
Gosh he really does take the biscuit doesn't he? Are the police going to do anything? You did well not to answer, I hope they contact him and make him realise how inappropriate he is being. He is certainly not innocent, you don't work in law without realising when you yourself are breaking the law. Perhaps he thinks he is above it all and because of his status, he'll never get into trouble? He certainly sounds disillusioned enough to believe that.
Do tell me that the police will contact him?
Thank God you went and it's all on record. Makes me wonder if he is already known? If not I fear he soon will be.
Perhaps he thinks he is above it all and because of his status, he'll never get into trouble?
He's a paralegal. Believe me, if people in his firm knew he was going about telling people he was a lawyer when he was a paralegal, he would laughed out of town. Depending on the firm, it might also be a disciplinary matter.
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