To not want DP's ex to fly halfway across the world to visit him?

(155 Posts)
SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 13:25:57

A bit of background though I want to keep this short and relatively unidentifiable - we've been together a year; he was with her for a year from 2010-2011. She broke up with him after she cheated multiple times, lied to him about having a terminal illness, borrowed hundreds of pounds off him that she still hasn't paid back, etc. She then emigrated. Since she moved to Oz she has kept in touch with my DP even after we got together. She posts private jokes on his FB wall and tags him in pictures from years ago so they show up as most recent! All very annoying and we have argued over it, but I've snooped blush so I know for certain there's nothing more going on. My DP is lovely, almost too nice sometimes. He worries about hurting people. I have however persuaded him to take a harder line with her and he has now successfully got back some of the money she owed him. But now she wants to fly back and visit him! I don't think it's likely to happen as she has no money. But if it does, I really don't want him to see her. I think it is inappropriate as we are serious (discussing getting engaged) and she continues to try to manipulate him. AIBU?

HoneyStepMummy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:28

This sounds like emotional cheating. It's almost like he's leading her on by letting this happen, while driving you nuts at the same time.

It's very, very easy to either block or ignore an ex. Trust me. I would also give him an ultimatum. By allowing her st stay in his life he's completely distrespecting you. It doesn't matter if he's cheating or not, you've made it clear that this really upsets you yet he keeps doing it.

Oh, and "exs" don't travel half way across the world to see each other. You sound like a nice person and deserve much better. Hope it all works out for you.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 19:03:28

Well, exactly... I would tell him to cut any of his friends off if they had pulled a stunt like that.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 19:06:54

He is taking you for a mug. Are you a mug ?

HoneyStepMummy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:12:37

And you already asked him to cut her off and he refused by passive aggressivly saying he would "be really sad". You said there's "nothing more going on" but isn't the stuff that is going on enough? He's letting her post inapropiate things on FB, he's making arrangements to spend time with her when she flies half way across the world to see him.

LittleMissLucy Tue 30-Apr-13 20:36:34

I don't want to go into too many details but I had a situation similar to this, except the ex was in London and was a loony who texted my DP about well, 20 x per day.

I explained to him that feeling sorry for her was one thing, but having to continue to take the role of her knight in shining armour was quite another and that he couldn't be involved emotionally with two women at once. She had in fact, stopped him having a serious relationship with another woman for about a decade - she was that old of an ex.

It was like a lightbulb went off in his head and he just stopped responding to her demands. And then she just stopped making them. It was quite a relief. No big show down, no ultimatums.

I hope you can find a way through this, as I know 1st hand how unsettling it can be, and disruptive.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 20:59:48

He asked you not to make him choose between you because it would upset him too much??? He's having a laugh, and you appear to have no self esteem whatsoever.
Why the hell didn't you just walk?

Xales Tue 30-Apr-13 21:12:00

He has made it clear to you that he is not going to stop contacting her no matter how it upsets you.

You don't have the right to stop him having who he wants as a friend/emotional relationship.

You do have the right to say I am not being a part of this and walking away.

LittleMissLucy Tue 30-Apr-13 21:17:46

why doesn't she have the right to say he shouldn't be emotionally involved with another woman with whom he had a romantic relationship, when its directly and adversely impacting on their relationship? Surely thats not a hard and fast rule, its open to discussion.

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 21:22:25

Ok so there you have it OP. He has told you loud and clear that he won't give her up. You can't force him to do otherwise.

So what are YOU going to do?

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 21:24:20

LittleMissLucy Because nobody has the right to tell their partner who they can talk to. Her DP doesn't acknowledge any emotional involvement so it's a non-argument. She can, however, choose to call him out as a liar and move on with her life

Pitmountainpony Tue 30-Apr-13 21:33:02

Just as an antidote to some anti p responses.
Honestly I thinks some men are just too s weet and do nt want to hurt someone they may have had deep feelings about at one point.
It took years for my dh,s ex to stop sending little messages on Facebook.
We still get the odd one now. When I asked my dh about it he said he hated hurting people. She was gutted when we married and Went on to have a family and honestly I felt sorry for her somewhere in me too.
I don,t think him responding briefly t the odd message is so wrong meeting up with her would not be appropriate unless you are there, but I just think your dp does not want to hurt her...some people are just like that however someone has treated them.

MyPreciousRing Tue 30-Apr-13 21:39:05

Text back what you just said OP - that he absolutely can, very easily, stop her posting on his wall; by simply blocking her.
Make the ultimatum.
Don't let this pair make more a fool of you than they already have been doing.
His lack of respect in allowing her to publicly make a mockery of you and your relationship is astounding.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 21:42:41

I think you know where you stand in the pecking order of things.

Littlemisslucy is right - he's emotionally involved with two woman. He doesn't want you to make him chose, he'll chose you if he has too, but what he wants is to be in a relationship with both of you - although currently only physically with one of you.

I would just end it if I was you. If he really wants you, he'll work out what he's got to do. If you aren't that important compared to her, he won't.

idococktailshedoesbeer Tue 30-Apr-13 21:47:01

I'm another one who has had similar problems. Soon after DP and I started dating his ex moved into a house at the end of his road from miles away. hmm Lots of 3am texts begging to get back together. She followed us around his village. She always wanted to meet him (and only him) for drinks. DP felt guilty because he'd ended it, we had a few spats about it until I told him calmly but in no uncertain terms she made me feel very insecure and our relationship was under threat. He was massively apologetic, said he hadn't realised how upset I was and my happiness would always come first. He went cold turkey and she soon got the message.

You're saying your DP would be upset to cool down his friendship with his ex but she is making you upset (with reason) and as your other half he should put you first.

LittleMissLucy Wed 01-May-13 01:24:35

I think if the relationship is serious and you're getting engaged and this woman is across the world, then you probably ultimately, don't have much to worry about.

Trying to get things back into perspective (I don't understand why a few posters are demanding you dump him....) - maybe you can drop the subject now, between you? See what happens. If she doesn't come over and you do proceed to get engaged then you're moving on aren't you?

I would fully expect any engaged couple to be respectful of each other's feelings towards ex-bfs and ex-gfs (whether those feelings be of friendship or feeling threatened by them) and that you agree how to proceed with that issue, thereafter, privately.

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 02:13:44

We've talked about it and made some progress tonight. I let him stew until 9pm as I was busy with friends. I think he finally realises how bad I feel about this; I told him that I considered ending it and he was very upset. He said that he finally realised her manipulation today after the barrage of posts on his wall - a big breakthrough! He has said he'll do anything to make me happy (he's already ordered flowers to be delivered to my home - bless!). He's going to talk to her and tell her to back off. I've told him not to paint me as the baddie either as I'm not interested in getting any abuse from her. I still feel bruised and it'll take time for me to get over this, but I do feel like I've finally got somewhere. Now let's see if he follows through...

LittleMissLucy Wed 01-May-13 04:00:15

Good luck with it all.
Personally, tbh - i don't know if his talking to her directly is the answer, as its like with a badly behaved kid - sort of rewarding her attention seeking behaviors with actual attention. I would say quietly backing off is possibly more effective. But see what happens - maybe him telling her to back off is what she really needs to hear.
I hope it all works out for you anyway.

MyPreciousRing Wed 01-May-13 07:10:40

I hope that this 'backing off' just doesn't take the form of private messaging as opposed to public on wall.

I don't think you're out of the woods yet OP.

diddl Wed 01-May-13 08:17:20

He doesn't to tell her to "back off" just block her on FB, on his mobile...

diddl Wed 01-May-13 08:19:30

He's talking as if he can't do anything about it & it's all dependent on her.

We have caller display on the landline.

I don't answer it if it's someone I don't want to talk to...

He's acting as if it's all out of his control.

GlassofRose Wed 01-May-13 08:20:19

Sorry OP, I think he's playing the game here.

He's told you once he'll only choose if push comes to shove because it will "make him sad". This was him telling you he doesn't want her gone from his life.

He doesn't want to cut her off OP and he probably wont. He's having his cake and eating it and just like Myprecious says you can bet your life the contact is going to carry on because he has no intention of cutting her off.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 08:30:26

Why tell her to back off, why not cut her out? She's his ex, she cheated, she lied, she stole. Why does he want this person in his life as a friend? If another friend he wasn't sleeping with had treated him so badly as his ex did, would he keep them as a friend or cut them out?

He's only going to ask her to reduce the amount she contacts him, not tell her to stop contacting him - he's just not ready to end this relationship with her.

I'm glad that you are talking and feel like you are making progress. I too fear, like precious ring said, that he's just going to interpret this as he has to be secretive about it from now on.

I really am struggling to understand it from his point of view. He has no family ties with her, it was a brief relationship (only 1 yr) she treated him beyond appallingly, she is jeopardising his current relationship, and yet he still is unable to act decisively...

SlumberingDormouse Wed 01-May-13 12:22:35

The thing is, we have been trying for the past year to let this go quietly, hoping she'll get bored. But she hasn't. We had a bit of a breakthrough last night when DP said that he was astonished at all her Facebook comments and wall posts yesterday, and finally realised that she is manipulating him and trying to get at me. And after all that, she stood him up on Skype yesterday anyway!

So I've decided it's time to be assertive and take a stand. In some of my past relationships I was walked all over and I'm really trying to change that. So I've decided I'm going to write her a polite but clear message saying that her level of contact is inappropriate. I'm going to mull it over today, run it past my mum, and then send just before I go on holiday tomorrow morning grin. Then one of two things will happen: She'll either gracefully accept it and back off (unlikely), or she'll go psycho on us and he'll have even more reason to cut her out of his life. It works either way!

mirai Wed 01-May-13 12:25:05

I think you need to write that message to HIM.

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