To not want DP's ex to fly halfway across the world to visit him?

(155 Posts)
SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 13:25:57

A bit of background though I want to keep this short and relatively unidentifiable - we've been together a year; he was with her for a year from 2010-2011. She broke up with him after she cheated multiple times, lied to him about having a terminal illness, borrowed hundreds of pounds off him that she still hasn't paid back, etc. She then emigrated. Since she moved to Oz she has kept in touch with my DP even after we got together. She posts private jokes on his FB wall and tags him in pictures from years ago so they show up as most recent! All very annoying and we have argued over it, but I've snooped blush so I know for certain there's nothing more going on. My DP is lovely, almost too nice sometimes. He worries about hurting people. I have however persuaded him to take a harder line with her and he has now successfully got back some of the money she owed him. But now she wants to fly back and visit him! I don't think it's likely to happen as she has no money. But if it does, I really don't want him to see her. I think it is inappropriate as we are serious (discussing getting engaged) and she continues to try to manipulate him. AIBU?

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 16:31:55

Honestly - sounds like he not over her.

Why else stay in touch with someone whose stolen and so publicly lied to him to the detriment of new relationships - and give them a chance to do so publicly again.

BarredfromhavingStella Tue 30-Apr-13 16:33:00

A psycho ex that's on the other side of the world is very easy to shut out of your life if you so wish...

He's taking you for a mug & you're letting him, time to sit down for a cards on the table sort of chat, at least then you'll truly know where you stand.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 16:38:01

She wants to fly halfway round the world to meet him at "their" restaurant? hmm
If he's serious about being with you now; this is unbelievably inappropriate! If he's not prepared to tell her firmly that it's time they both moved on, he's obviously not over her.
I certainly wouldn't hang around while he dithers between you. Move on yourself, he's not going to.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 17:05:55

You really are concentrating on the wrong person here.

It is not about what she is doing. It's about what he is doing.

And all this continuing contact is happening because he doesn't want it not to.

You need to wake up here, seriously. He is taking the piss.

And I'd be willing to bet she's not nearly as "psycho" as you've been led to believe, but rather she is not quite as aware as you that her relationship is definitely over with him.

And why's that? Because he hasn't bothered to tell her.

How much of her "psycho" contact stuff do you hear about through him? "oooh guess what MadAussieBitch said today ho ho ho" Does it go something like that? While the FB pages look as if they are getting on like a house on fire right?

That's because they are.

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 17:08:33

If he loves you he will stay with you. What does it matter if the ex visits?

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 17:09:00

I think a person can be friends with an ex.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:09:58

I don't think this DP is a spineless sap at all

I think he is rather enjoying all the attention of 2 women. I think he still fancies her and rather than put off her visit he is slyly encouraging it.

I think if this woman comes over for a visit and stays at his place (you know it's going to happen, OP) his dick will accidentally enter her vagina

He can't help it though, he is easily led

FFS

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 17:14:05

I'd not mention it again to him. Refuse to discuss, say things like "oh, you give your exgirlfriend far too much headspace, you could jsut cut her off if you want too, Im just not interested in her anymore". Then just "not interested."

don't comment if she texts or calls when you are there, just "oh right." and blank face.

He knows you aren't happy about her, so it seems to me either he doesn't want to end his relationship with her, or he's using her as a way to keep you on your toes.

This behaviour will take the power away from him if he's using her to manipulate you, and if he's still in love with her, then you stopping putting restrictions on them will soon make that clear.

If she does come over though, I'd consider your relationship with him over from the moment he picks her up from the airport. You do't need to give him an ultimatum, just be "too busy to see him" when she's over and then afterwards dump him.

He's treating you with no respect if he does encourage her to come over and stay with him, go on dates etc, there's no point being with him.

greenformica Tue 30-Apr-13 17:14:42

I think you are massively insecure by the way and need to calm down. Totally overreacting about phonecalls and FB posts. Stop reading her FB posts and don't answer the calls if it stresses you out. You have to learn to trust your DP.

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 17:17:37

Look OP, I think you should open your eyes a bit here because you are either hopelessly naive or unwilling to see what's under your nose.

She lives in Australia. It would be but the work of a moment to defriend her, block her number and put an end to it. He doesn't want to - not because she's forcing him to do it, not because he's incapable of managing his own life, but because he WANTS to stay friends with her.

He obviously doesn't care that it upsets you, otherwise he wouldn't do it. After all, she's nobody to him... right? hmm And not only that but he's publicly parading it on FB so that all your friends can see him doing it too. Excellent way to respect your feelings.

Time to wake up and smell the Java. You are being made a fool of here.

Floggingmolly Tue 30-Apr-13 17:24:53

Are you as naive as your posts suggest, greenformica?

TheBookofRuth Tue 30-Apr-13 17:27:38

Bloody hell, is it an Aussie girl thing?! DH and his ex broke up over a decade ago (when she left him - also owing him thousands), he and I have been together for nine years and married for 5, and yet she (despite having returned to Oz years ago, and being married with a child herself), still stays in touch with his mother and sister, has them to stay with her and comes over at least once a year to visit them.

DH, thankfully, has refused to keep in touch with her and has told his family how uncomfortable it makes him that they still do, not that it has made any damn difference. Well, except now they lie about it. MIL tried to keep her last visit a secret, and when we found out claimed it was a surprise visit. From AUSTRALIA.

I mean, you'd at least call ahead and check they're going to be in, right? grin

StuntGirl Tue 30-Apr-13 17:32:26

She's not being insecure, he's behaving like an idiot and she is behaving exactly as one would expect when your partner lies and is shifty.

Dormouse, you're not over reacting. You're basically underreacting. You both know he could end contact if he wanted, for whatever reason he doesn't want to. I suspect he likes the attention. I would absolutely not be considering living with someone like this, and like hell would I be considering having children with someone like this.

Flisspaps Tue 30-Apr-13 17:41:17

greenformica are you the ex? grin

Flisspaps Tue 30-Apr-13 17:41:44

Or the DP wink

I agree with the majority. Sorry, door mouse. It would be easy for him to message; look, you cheated on me, you lied catastrophically to me and you stole money from me. I don't want to see you again.

The fact that he won't do that speaks volumes. He gets something out of this - and whatever it is, it's not respectful to you.

Is he friends with all his exes or is it just this one?

Maybe, he's planning to end the friendship on the call tonight - if you made it clear how you feel yesterday...

If not, I would dump him, sorry. I would say I can't respect someone who runs around like a little doggy after someone who has treated him so badly.

LittleMissLucy Tue 30-Apr-13 18:02:26

Have you asked him to consider cutting her off completely?

neontetra Tue 30-Apr-13 18:17:19

This sort of thing happened to one of my closest friends, and we very nearly fell out over it actually, because I had such a low opinion of her then dp (now dh) over it, whereas she, of course, loved him, even though his relationship with his ex was making her sad. But years on, he has now fully cut contact with the ex, and he and my friend are married and incredibly happy. So it can get better. In this case, I came to understand in time (not that it really had anything to do with me, but still) that the guy's relationship with his ex had been very, very emotionally abusive (her abusing him), and this was what made it really hard for him to totally sever contact - she still had power over him, in many ways. So I'm just trying to say that not everyone who stays in contact with mad ex against their partner's wishes is just being an attention-seeking twat - there can be more to it. Good luck, OP.

ladyjadie Tue 30-Apr-13 18:19:02

I'm interested to know why he doesn't just block her. And how this emotional blackmail she imparts actually works, if she was so awful to him? Surely if he really really couldn't stand her contact he could use her bad treatment of him to cut her off without a minute's flicker on his conscience? It isn't because he is too nice, surely?

Your DP is being a prize dickhead and prioritising his ex's feelings over yours.

I would absolutely not stand for this - give him an ultimatum. He either cuts all contact or you're gone.

She only has the power to upset you because he is letting her. You'll find any man worth his salt would absolutely not do this OP.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 18:58:08

I did ask him to cut her off once, early on in our relationship when she had publicly and heavily implied that he was an idiot to get together with me. He said that if push came to shove he would choose me but asked me not to make him choose as it would really upset him. hmm It sounds stupid now, I know... I ended up texting him earlier as he kept calling me. I said that I was upset and why, and that I didn't feel we were getting anywhere with this as he knows where I stand. He replied with, 'I'm sorry you're upset but I can't stop her posting on my wall.' BUT HE CAN! He could ask her not to do it, or delete it, or (best of all) delete and block her. I'm still so upset and couldn't concentrate at work this afternoon at all. He needs to have a firm word with her or I'm off.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 18:58:58

He says he's sorry for her because she's had such a hard time (a very serious car crash last year which put her in hospital for a month; I know this is true) and 'she needs his support'. Like hell she does.

TheRealFellatio Tue 30-Apr-13 19:00:52

what kind of a man wants to maintain a friendship with an ex-girlfriend who lied to him about a terminal illness? confused

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