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To not want DP's ex to fly halfway across the world to visit him?

(155 Posts)
SlumberingDormouse Wed 24-Apr-13 13:25:57

A bit of background though I want to keep this short and relatively unidentifiable - we've been together a year; he was with her for a year from 2010-2011. She broke up with him after she cheated multiple times, lied to him about having a terminal illness, borrowed hundreds of pounds off him that she still hasn't paid back, etc. She then emigrated. Since she moved to Oz she has kept in touch with my DP even after we got together. She posts private jokes on his FB wall and tags him in pictures from years ago so they show up as most recent! All very annoying and we have argued over it, but I've snooped blush so I know for certain there's nothing more going on. My DP is lovely, almost too nice sometimes. He worries about hurting people. I have however persuaded him to take a harder line with her and he has now successfully got back some of the money she owed him. But now she wants to fly back and visit him! I don't think it's likely to happen as she has no money. But if it does, I really don't want him to see her. I think it is inappropriate as we are serious (discussing getting engaged) and she continues to try to manipulate him. AIBU?

MarmaladeTwatkins Sat 27-Apr-13 11:59:41

She lives in Australia. It would be really easy for your DP to have zero contact with her. She cannot force him to be her friend unless she has special powers that can work their way through the internet into DP's computer... Basically, there is a want on both sides, for whatever reason. If she is such a loon, why is he still in contact with her? Even the most spineless man in the world should be capable of clickng on "block" on Facebook security settings.

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Apr-13 12:11:06

He's mates with her because he wants to be. Wake up OP.

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 27-Apr-13 12:14:30

I wouldn't be taking your snooping as gospel either tbh. So easy to not let you see what he doesn't want you to see on FB/emailing etc.

If you start from the premise that he lets you see what he wants you to, then it's easy to believe she's a whackjob, but life is rarely that cut and dry especially where "ex" whacksters (or not) are concerned.

Some men really get off on having 'mad' XPs who won't leave them alone. They like the idea that they are so irresistible women compete for their attention and can never get over being dumped by them. He's getting something out of continued contact with her. Possibly even pleasure in the fact that you are wound up by it - he likes the idea that you are jealous and insecure, because he's such a fucking prize you have to do your best to keep him.

You could try simply ignoring her and his contact with her. See if that changes anything - if he is no longer getting the satisfaction of seeing you wound up by it, he might decide he's bored with her as well.

Jestrin Sat 27-Apr-13 12:44:55

I'm agreeing with the others...she lives in Australia. It would be incredibly easy for your DP to break contact with her!

Hissy Sat 27-Apr-13 12:51:18

I used to quake at all threats from his Ex, but in the end I decided that I would wait until she actually rocked up...

she never did, and he is finally an Ex...

diddl Sat 27-Apr-13 13:05:12

"He doesn't really want to be mates with her but she insists."

Hahahahaha!

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:19:31

I'm starting to think you're all right... DP's ex has been all over his Fb wall again today, saying: 'I can't wait to come and visit you and your lovely parents and beautiful girlfriend'. hmm Well, his parents certainly won't be interested because they hate her after the way she treated their son! (His mum has actually told me this.) She also asked my DP to call her tonight; he said yes immediately and they agreed a time. I feel humiliated with this being all over his wall for anyone to see. I am so upset. I feel like I'm going mad. I don't know what more I can say to get through to him and I feel so overwhelmed that I'm turning off my phone today while I'm working and seeing friends. I can't talk to him right now until I've calmed down. Sorry for the rant... I know I'm probably overreacting but I feel like I'm just not being listened to here.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Tue 30-Apr-13 15:35:17

DH's ex-girlfriend was around early on in our relationship. Won't go into details here as would be massive hijack but there is a difference between someone being on the receiving end of someone ringing etc and taking active steps to remain in touch. Does he ever contact her of his own volition?

If she is a genuine loon he may think he's 'managing' the situation by remaining friends on FB - he may be afraid of what she'd do if he really cut her off. Do you think it's this? Is there any evidence of this?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 30-Apr-13 15:36:56

Kick him to the curb. massaging his own ego is more important to him than your feelings. She is probably a means to an end.

I'd give him lots and lots of space and time to see this "psycho ex" hmm see if he's even interested in her then, once you stop reacting to the situation even though it'd kill me I don't know you but I know you deserve a DP who isnt such a giant twat and takes your feelings into account.

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 30-Apr-13 15:37:23

You aren't overreacting. You haven't reacted enough up until now.

You need to have this out with him, for once and for all. Do I remember correctly you are FB friends with her as well? Start by getting rid.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:39:08

He doesn't contact her of his own volition unless I've nagged and nagged him to get something resolved (e.g. bills and things that he was still paying for her until recently sad). When she contacts him, sometimes he ignores it and sometimes he doesn't. He got back to her very quickly today though (publicly) despite the fact that we'd JUST had a discussion about how sad the whole thing is making me. There is some evidence of her being a genuine loon: she lied to him about having terminal cancer, and she has threatened to kill herself in the past if he broke off contact.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:40:34

I don't mind them keeping in contact (I exchange the occasional email with some very old exes), but I DO mind long Skype calls and VISITS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD! angry

mirai Tue 30-Apr-13 15:42:53

I totally agree with fromparistoberlin!

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 15:43:27

Your DP is being pathetic. He is making a choice. He doesn't seem to care at all how appropriate his behaviour is or how much it's upsetting you.

He is not prioritising you - he is prioritising her. You are coming second place here.

No advice really other than for me, it would be a deal-breaker.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:46:28

It would make sense to sit him down, say you want to take the emotion out of this, but can he not see she's making him look a fool? She knows she owes him money, she has the money as she was going to book a flight with it, so why is she not giving him the money back? Can he not send her a message saying "actually EXP, while it would be nice to meet up, I'd rather have the £x you owe me first, if you can't afford to pay me back, understood, but then how can you afford the flight?"

If he won't do this, then it might be that he really, really wants to see her. He's staying in contact and not pushing for the money back because he still cares.

I actually wouldn't want to be second prize. Ifyou aren't living together and don't have DCs, and have only been together for a year, then possibly time to cut your losses.

JerseySpud Tue 30-Apr-13 15:50:13

I wish my husbands ex lived in Australia. Then that isn't too far away from us. She's caused more problems for the family that anything else.

But in your case OP i think you need to get DP to understand how much it upsets you, and like Dontmind said, get DP to tell EXP to give him the money back first rather than waste on flights

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 15:52:17

I guess I should clarify that she has a lot of air miles through her parents so the flight cost isn't an issue. This worries me more as it means she could literally turn up at any point, even though she has no money. Sorry to drip feed, but DP only told me this recently, since I originally posted this.

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 15:53:52

I feel so overwhelmed that I'm turning off my phone today while I'm working and seeing friends.

Do more of this whenever she makes contact, don't do the nagging to get things resolved (may be why she is niggling you), delete from your FB and don't go snooping with his.

Refuse to discuss the woman and if he tries - be busy with other things.

In the unlikely event she does come over and see your DP - I would suggest being very very busy with other things to busy to see DP or let this woman upset you. Though at this point asking how she can afford this but not pay him back comments might be appropriate.

Stop making this person your problem.

Your DP need to get rid of ex or mange her so she doesn't affect his current life.

Loa Tue 30-Apr-13 15:55:49

flight cost isn't an issue

Accommodation, food, other transport to and from airport, meals out and time away from earning money to pay back your DP all are though.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 15:58:37

You are actually under reacting, love

I would not let a man do this at all, never mind so publicly

No one makes me look like a mug, I am quite capable of doing that for myself thank you very much

ryanboy Tue 30-Apr-13 16:06:29

She is going to try to use your place as a pad for her holiday, lifts here there and everywhere and will also probably try to get more money off your DP.That will be the reason why she paid him a little back.

SlumberingDormouse Tue 30-Apr-13 16:14:39

We don't live together but I suspect so. She's already asked for a lift from the airport and meals out. I bet she'll end up asking for somewhere to stay too as she doesn't have many friends here (surprise surprise).

Ruralninja Tue 30-Apr-13 16:29:11

OP what are you sleepwalking into?! How is any of your DPs or her behavior acceptable? you are under-reacting & your dp has a choice to make!

Dahlen Tue 30-Apr-13 16:30:23

shock I'm afraid your DP is a spineless sap who is going to get walked over his whole life. I wouldn't throw in my lot with him if it were me in your shoes. If he's like this with an X who lives on the other side of the world, imagine what he'd be like under any real pressure. He could be persuaded into anything! You'll spend your whole life as one giant risk-assessment and damage limitation exercise.

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