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To ask that if you don't work but your husband/partner does, do you get an allowance for clothes?

(133 Posts)
suebfg Tue 23-Apr-13 20:16:57

I recently stopped working and don't have money of my own coming in. I feel like I don't want to spend the money earned by DH on the 'nice to haves' - treats for myself etc.

How do you manage it in your households?

DorisIsWaiting Thu 25-Apr-13 22:49:51

Dh and I have a joint pot for bills and all things child related and we each have a 'pocket money' account for things for ourselves which has £50 month (not much but it's what's reasonable on our income).

I can buy clothes get my hair cut, and dh buy tatty old books which he loves (and occasionally clothes when his are falling off him grin).

I manage most of the money and tell dh when we are moving ISA's etc for better rates.

BooksandaCuppa Thu 25-Apr-13 22:42:39

I agree to some extent with Bonsoir - dh and I have always had exactly equal 'pocket money' but there have been occasions when I've encouraged him to take extra money out of the savings for either expensive work suits or hobby equipment because he earns a lot more money than me (crucially) doing a job he hates and which is much more stressful than my lovely part-time one. I get more time with my friends/ds/to myself just mooching around.

The important point is that I feel we have equal say over where all our spare money goes/big purchases/reviewing pocket money allowances and always do our budgeting together.

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 25-Apr-13 20:42:49

Me and dh are properly old fashioned !
All the money goes in to his account ( I don't have one due to my terrible credit history and tendency to overspend) and he manages the bills and food and clothes etc
I get 20 a week ( we're on a low income ) and when i work ( I do casual work ) I also keep that money too.
Weird for some but it works for us!

BegoniaBampot Thu 25-Apr-13 18:57:11

yes but that is a hobby, i could equally spend the money on an expensive hobby if I wanted. If my hobbies are cheaper but i still get to do what I want then it isn't a problem. or if my husband was spending a lot on hobbies, especially if they took him away for a few days then he would be encouraging me to do similar.

merrymouse Thu 25-Apr-13 18:55:30

Unless it wasn't a joint decision for you not to work, and part of the deal was that you would forgo luxuries in order to finance your decision, I don't think it makes any difference whether you work or not.

You have to agree as a couple/family which things are necessities (eg how much you spend on your children, how much you spend on your house) and which items are luxuries.

Plan your budget together and be honest about your own needs and sympathetic about your partner's. Make sure you are both aware of your joint financial position. Financial arguments tend to happen when one or both partners have their heads in the sand.

Bonsoir Thu 25-Apr-13 18:26:59

My DP works very hard and has very little spare time. I do not resent his expensive hobbies (flying, ski-ing, personal trainer 2x a week) because my life is not as stressful.

TobyLerone Thu 25-Apr-13 18:21:10

DH absolutely works harder than I do, I want for nothing, so he deserves way more money.

Bonsoir Thu 25-Apr-13 18:18:42

"Any scenario where one person has more money to spend on themselves than their partner is just unthinkable."

Really? Don't you think that if one partner has very little spare time (much less than the other partner), he/she might be entitled to have, for example, an expensive but time-efficient hobby? And that the other partner might think that was fair, given that he/she had much more time to hang out with friends and other low-key leisure activities?

Cakecrumbsinmybra Thu 25-Apr-13 18:14:00

I don't get a clothing allowance (SAHM) or any other kind of allowance. I buy what I like within what we can afford. If I did feel guilty when I first gave up work, I don't anymore. It's not practical for me to work right now. It is practical for him to work. It's team work and it's not fair of one party to exercise financial control over the other. I don't take the piss and I wouldn't expect him to either. He doesn't spend much on clothes or fripperies, but has more expensive hobbies than me so it all balances out.

PicaK Thu 25-Apr-13 18:10:06

I think that what works best is when people handle money in the way that suits them. When i worked i would get my wage slip and work out what was needed to cover bills, stuff i was saving for and lifestyle costs (haircuts, food, petrol travel costs etc.) Whatever was left was fun money and i would blow it.

When i got together with DH we pooled our income, put bill and lifestyle cost money in the joint account and had individual accounts for EQUAL fun money.

Now i'm a sahm i still need to know how much fun money i've got. Although we both have a lot, lot less these days!

Any scenario where one person has more money to spend on themselves than their partner is just unthinkable.

everlong Thu 25-Apr-13 14:14:44

Have you discussed it with him?

Of course you're going to need some money. I'm just surprised he hasn't worked it out yet.

Talk to him.

GreenEggsAndNichts Thu 25-Apr-13 13:47:35

btw cleo I'd suggest considering going back full-time, when you feel able to. Your DH sounds horrible, I'm sorry. Agree with LaQueen's post.

MrsHoarder Thu 25-Apr-13 13:27:17

We've always had a joint account, even before we moved in together. DS tells me if we're tight on money and doesn't like me to feel I need to justify expenditure to him. Large purchases are discussed, and DH we review our joint finances every couple of months to check we're not running into trouble.

Again we've been together since we were skint students though and have always been "what's mine is yours".

We have always had joint accounts. DH has a career and some years I have worked, some I haven't but there isn't any mine or yours- it's all ours.

If we buy something expensive, we will run it past the other, but other than that, we are adults and we trust each other not to empty the account buying rubbish.

We married very young though, when neither of us had been at work very long so we were never possessive about money (we never had much in the beginning)

My friends who married when their careers were rock solid were much more set in their ways about money and struggled to think of it as a joint family pot. Most of the friends who have discussed it with me, say that they have separate accounts still forever transferring payments for bills into different accounts and talking about owing their DH money.

One friend has a real tight arse husband who made her save for her maternity leave to keep up her end of the bills, because he didn't see why he should pay for her to lounge about the house on a jolly while looking after their child for a year. She has no idea how much he earns and lived off her child allowance for a long time.

She came into a huge inheritance recently and won't let her husband near the money, despite his sudden urge to pool all their resources...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 25-Apr-13 11:53:05

It took me AGES to accept that all the money was OURS. I have worked since DD1 was one year old...part time but I had this mindset that my money was mine and DHs was his and we should chip into the bills together.

He's helped me see that it's better to stick it all into one amount...we have separate accounts but let one another know what we have this month. We're both self employed so money varies a LOT month by month.

If one of us earns a lot one month then that one pays more bills than the other...if I want to buy something or he does, then we discuss it.

We're opening a joint savings account soon...it's the only way.

WileyRoadRunner Thu 25-Apr-13 11:46:59

Meh I get an allowance. But we have a joint account which I am free to use whenever. I have a sole account to which my husband deposits a set amount each month. I spend that on me whatever I like.

For us this works. My Dh is very twitchy about money so it means I don't have to put up with him trawling through joint statements questioning every penny spent. If I needed extra money I would just take it out the joint account. TBF DH hardly spends anything and has less disposable income left in the joint account for himself than he gives me.

It works for us.

Bonsoir Thu 25-Apr-13 11:46:46

No, I just spend whatever I feel like!

BlingLoving Thu 25-Apr-13 11:45:43

Cleo - that is terrible and is a relationship and financial disaster waiting to happen. You really do need to put a stop to it. As for "I work", tell him you'll happily go back to work but then as a family you'll need to pay for childcare.

justaboutalittlefrazzled Thu 25-Apr-13 11:15:09

Cleo, you are going to have big money and relationship problems in the future if you don't sort this one out.
Apart from the obvious injustice of "I work, therefore I can spend" if he is regularly going overdrawn you are not living in a financially stable way. I think you need to stand up to him on this one.

Squitten Thu 25-Apr-13 10:42:04

Cleo - your husband is a twat.

DH earns the dough here. He gets paid into his own account and then puts enough to cover household expenses into joint account. He then also puts an amount in my account for my own use and child benefit goes to me too. Every month we then transfer any excess in our personal accounts into the joint account where our savings are kept.

No such thing as his money - only family money!

daftdame Thu 25-Apr-13 10:37:36

OP is it that you feel you don't deserve the treats since you don't earn the money?

You shouldn't feel like this because there are other ways you can contribute without earning - and I bet you do just because you are thinking like this.

If money is a problem, you just need to work out a budget together.

Sonotkylie Thu 25-Apr-13 10:27:34

Bit of everything here. DH works, I stay at home. I have an 'allowance' for food shopping, petrol, DS clubs, dinner money, and other regular expenditure. This is a monthly standing order. We started this before DS was born when I went back to university and took sole control of household day to day things.
I also have a credit card. On this goes holidays, clothes for all of us, birthday presents, treats, days out, books, classes etc for me, etc etc etc. if I don't have enough to cover it, then I ask for more.
I too used to hate asking for more and then I realised, we are lucky enough that DH earns well, and he puts in long, hard hours for it. The hours impact on all of us in lots of ways, so we are all entitled to enjoy the proceeds. DH benefits too in that I take responsibility for all home stuff leaving his free time relatively free of boring nonsense, which also means he is free for us all to have fun. Now I may be looking for ways to justify a hideously outmoded way of life, but you know what, it works for us. And it is only money. You are earning it too!

BegoniaBampot Thu 25-Apr-13 10:27:31

cleo - sorry but that attitude would kill my love and respect for him. I haven't worked for 11 years since I had my first child and both are in school now. My husband transfers money into my account to cover all household needs and anything I or the children need but we see it as our money and never have to check with each other on what we spend it on.

daftdame Thu 25-Apr-13 10:20:29

If you don't have joint accounts you must have some spending money to go in your own account. You could call it an allowance for want of a better word. This could be spent on clothes or any other items as you see fit.

Otherwise your husband would have to do all the shopping! Alternatively he could give you a credit card or lump sums now and again.

If he wants to scrutinise every purchase you make then the issue is more about him trusting you / your judgement.

TobyLerone Thu 25-Apr-13 10:14:04

I don't have an allowance.

DH's salary goes into his account. There is a monthly standing order for roughly the amount of the bills/mortgage/petrol/shopping etc which goes into our joint account. The maintenance from my XH also goes into that account. There is always more in there than we need, and I spend it as I see fit.

He offered to set up a monthly standing order into a new account for me, as 'spending money', but I really don't need it.

He buys whatever he wants (usually computer stuff), whenever he wants, from his own account.

He works really hard and is paid well for it. He suggested I give up work last year because I loathed my job and it was making me stressed, depressed and physically unwell. My children are in secondary school and I can't honestly say that what I do at home is hard work.

So, controversially, I think he deserves all of the spending money he has. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it! But if I wanted anything at all, it would be mine.

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