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AIBU or do I have to just put up with this? MIL related

(129 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 19:46:09

MIL is going to help with childcare when I return to work so I know we are very lucky. However despite the fact that I am 33 and by no means a spring chicken MIL treats me like I don't really know what I'm doing with my ds.

Example
He's 11 weeks and was talking to my dh about starting him Farley rusks now as 'a little taste' despite me stating that he will not be weaned until 6 months
She is going to stop medication prescribed by the GP for my ds as she doesn't think he should have it
She tells me to hold my ds differently to how I am, e.g. If he facing away from me and well supported she'll say oh turn him round
She stands over me when I'm feeding him and just watches, which I find so annoying.

He has really dry skin on his face and it's itchy, so I use the babygros with scratch mits as I don't want his face scratched, I came home today with a big old bleeding scratch on his face. I asked why the scratch mits weren't on and she said she was afraid his hand would go deformed hmm. I tried to say look there wouldn't be scratch mits on the babygros if there was a danger of this but, no I'm wrong.
I know he will get lots of bumps and scratches in his life but I was very clear that I didn't want his hands scratching his face. FWIW I always allow him to use his hands to touch and explore and feel but then I cover them up again. I'm rubbish at trimming his nails, so I know the scratch issue is partly my fault.

I'm probably very PFB and my ds is only 11 weeks. I was away for 2 days on a work course so that's why she was with him.

I'm worried about how ill feel towards her when I go back to work (she will be doing 1 day a week). I really don't want my wishes ignored.

Do I have to bite my tongue? She said to my dh today that she has had lots of children so she knows what she is doing but she hasn't had my child before!

How do I get around this without falling out? I would never be disrespectful to her as my dh adores his dm and I adore him iykwim?!

Sorry for the ramble!

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 23-Apr-13 20:22:55

Do not give ground now or just agree to give baby over. He's ur son u decide. Rethink childcare. Good luck smile

ShadowStorm Tue 23-Apr-13 20:25:17

I agree that her saying that she's going to stop your DS's medication is very worrying. What makes her think that she knows better about what medication he should receive than you and the GP?

The comments about early weaning would also bother me (not as much as the medication one), as would the general impression that she's going to ignore your wishes if they clash with her opinions on looking after children.

I'd seriously be looking into getting professional childcare instead.

BlastAndDalmatians Tue 23-Apr-13 20:30:15

Laurie the MIL has withheld prescribed medication for the baby because she doesn't think he needs it, that counts as the child coming to harm in my book!

My ex MIL used to look after my ds while I worked. Didn't have a choice, I was forced to work and couldn't have afforded childcare, even if I had been allowed to use it. She gave my son baby rice when I specifically told her I was waiting to wean, fed him utter crap when he was older, got him into the habit of waiting till I had left then asking for chocolate and crisps which he would always get. He had a slight cough with no other symptoms, she suggested calpol. I said it won't do anything for a cough and I'd rather not give it to him just for the hell of it. I later caught her mixing it into his drink.

Basically, if you have the choice and you're not happy, don't do it.

jacks365 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:33:40

This could be my mother so its not restricted to mils.

She doesn't believe in feeding on demand.

She thinks picking up a baby everytime they cry is spoiling them.

I was unable to breastfeed for medical reasons so she said i should water down her formula.

If she tells me one more time that it was fine to put me outside in a pram for hours i'll scream.

I'd rather trust my mil to babysit.

I'm just a child who knows nothing about babies and she's brought up 3, problem with that is its dd4 i am getting the advice for and i was 42 when she was born. I think i have a good idea what i'm doing.

Good luck but you are fighting a losing battle find a childminder who will respect your wishes.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 20:39:14

It gets worse, I arrived home today and my ds was outside in the pram.

I've just answered my own question.

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 20:42:59

Please don't fail him here, please just take the decision that you will make the best choice for childcare for him.

Good gracious she doesn't listen does she!
I hope you have Dh on side for when you tell her she doesn't get to babysit anymore.

FunnyBigToe Tue 23-Apr-13 20:45:24

Find other childcare. YANBU.

lauriedriver Tue 23-Apr-13 20:48:04

Withholding medication doesn't count as harm. The op wrote one sentence about medication so I presume the medicine prescribed isn't some life saving medication or she might have focused on that point more strongly.

She focused more on the scratch mittens. The mil might be a bit of a pain in the arse but she will love your child & cherish their time together, more than any childminder ever will.

badguider Tue 23-Apr-13 20:49:16

I am going to not use MIL for regular childcare for work because although she is lovely I would rather she was available for emergency backup and also for babysitting when Dh and I want to do something together.

If you need a way to say 'no thanks' to your MIL and are worried she'll be offended if you get a childminder could you say you want to do the same as me?

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 20:52:29

I think that's answered it hasn't it?

She's bound to get upset, but quite frankly, someone is going to be upset, is it going to be MIL, or is it going to be you and your DS?

My view is, if you aren't going to do childcare for your own children, you need to be 100% confident that the alternative is as good as you doing it. It's hard enough going back to work without added worry that by doing so you are failing your DS.

seeker Tue 23-Apr-13 20:53:56

Not saying that all the other stuff was OK- but what's wrong with him being outside?

flossy101 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:59:54

I've been in a very similar predicament OP.

We have gone with paying for childcare (nursery).

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:00:46

The medication was anti reflux, he vomits horrifically without it but she wanted to 'wean' him off it. I don't think she was trying to deliberately harm him.

I don't like him being left outside alone- a relative got bitten by a dog in their pram whilst being left alone so I'm a bit paranoid I suppose. Was left horrifically disfigured.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:01:24

Not that I've ever left him outside alone!

elQuintoConyo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:02:57

If you cannot afford other childcare, you should seriously stand your ground - and get your DP to back you up 100% in your presence and state that it's non-negotiable.
Do you think she's the kind of person who'll take offense at being left out when your own DM 'babysits' twice a week?
Maybe give her a month and see how it goes. If she's still messing about, fire her!

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 21:04:28

She's made all this easier for you.

Make it the straw that broke the camel's back, the example you need it to be.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:04:39

I quite like the idea of giving her a probationary period! I go back to work in September, so I have a while yet to get things sorted. I'm just feeling a little stressed about it all today.

grograg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:05:09

She left you 11 week old baby outside? The front? What did your DH say about that?

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:06:29

Dh didn't really say anything but he thinks his dm can do no wrong so I have to be careful.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:06:45

Yes, at the front.

mrspaddy Tue 23-Apr-13 21:07:13

My honest advice is to go for paid childcare. I think she is irritating you already YANBU, she would irritate me too. It is going to excalate and it will be hard to not offload your concerns everyweek to your DH. I just think it your MIL is in your life and for the future. You don't need things getting awkward. A good friend of mine has a very difficult relationship now with MIL since she minded her child for few months and that was good few years ago.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 21:08:12

I'm probably totally paranoid but I felt like screaming what if someone ran off with him?! It could happen.

All come to light today as its the first time I've left him and its given me an insight into how I will feel.

grograg Tue 23-Apr-13 21:10:08

Was she watching out the door/ window? I'd have taken the baby and then called her to ask how he was. But hen m a bitch. Seriously though its not on is it? I would be fuming. What did you say to her?

idiuntno57 Tue 23-Apr-13 21:10:25

free childcare comes at such a big price. I completely resented my MIL because she ignored me yet I had to go to work. Looking back paying someone who does what YOU want is the right way. Even if in the short term it means you are paying to go to work.

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