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AIBU or do I have to just put up with this? MIL related

(129 Posts)
Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 19:46:09

MIL is going to help with childcare when I return to work so I know we are very lucky. However despite the fact that I am 33 and by no means a spring chicken MIL treats me like I don't really know what I'm doing with my ds.

Example
He's 11 weeks and was talking to my dh about starting him Farley rusks now as 'a little taste' despite me stating that he will not be weaned until 6 months
She is going to stop medication prescribed by the GP for my ds as she doesn't think he should have it
She tells me to hold my ds differently to how I am, e.g. If he facing away from me and well supported she'll say oh turn him round
She stands over me when I'm feeding him and just watches, which I find so annoying.

He has really dry skin on his face and it's itchy, so I use the babygros with scratch mits as I don't want his face scratched, I came home today with a big old bleeding scratch on his face. I asked why the scratch mits weren't on and she said she was afraid his hand would go deformed hmm. I tried to say look there wouldn't be scratch mits on the babygros if there was a danger of this but, no I'm wrong.
I know he will get lots of bumps and scratches in his life but I was very clear that I didn't want his hands scratching his face. FWIW I always allow him to use his hands to touch and explore and feel but then I cover them up again. I'm rubbish at trimming his nails, so I know the scratch issue is partly my fault.

I'm probably very PFB and my ds is only 11 weeks. I was away for 2 days on a work course so that's why she was with him.

I'm worried about how ill feel towards her when I go back to work (she will be doing 1 day a week). I really don't want my wishes ignored.

Do I have to bite my tongue? She said to my dh today that she has had lots of children so she knows what she is doing but she hasn't had my child before!

How do I get around this without falling out? I would never be disrespectful to her as my dh adores his dm and I adore him iykwim?!

Sorry for the ramble!

sherazade Tue 23-Apr-13 19:48:43

This is going to be very tricky. You're not being U or even PFB ; but if she's providing childcare you may have to suck it up or you're in for a bumpy ride.

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Apr-13 19:50:00

And you're lucky how exactly? confused

Use proper childcare...someone who will care for your baby properly and respect your wishes.

maresedotes Tue 23-Apr-13 19:50:29

Do you have to use her for childcare? It sounds like a recipe for disaster already and the arrangement hasn't even started. Speak to your DH and maybe come up with a tactful way of telling her.

PregnantPain Tue 23-Apr-13 19:50:38

I would not be letting this woman look after my child if she told me she was going to refuse said child prescribed medication. Look elsewhere.

maresedotes Tue 23-Apr-13 19:51:44

Forgot to say YANBU. The withdrawal of medication would annoy me.

if you can afford to, i'd sort out some other form of childcare.

also, tell her straight - "i'm his mother & what i say goes. if you're not willing or able to do things my way, i'll get someone else to look after him. it's up to you."

Fairylea Tue 23-Apr-13 19:54:10

The medication thing is a deal breaker.

Don't let her look after your dc.

It will be endless arguments and will permanently damage any relationship you all have.

Pinkflipflop Tue 23-Apr-13 19:54:21

I don't have to use her it was just to try and save some money.

I actually said to my dh I would rather do without and use a childminder who wouldn't ignore me. I was more diplomatic when talking to him as its his mother after all.

My mum is minding 2 days a week but I trust her more as I have a more honest relationship with her and can just tell her she's being an idiot without risking a family feud and vice versa her to me.

CabbageLooking Tue 23-Apr-13 19:54:55

You have to find alternative childcare. She is not going to follow your wishes and you will have to pretend to be grateful for her help. Will your DH support you?

Salmotrutta Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:21

It's the stopping medication thing that would scupper it for me!

No way should she be over-riding a Doctor. Unless she's a doctor herself?

No?

Didnt think so hmm

Is she a bit mad?

Fairylea Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:33

Is the medication for reflux by any chance? A lot of older generation pils seem to think reflux is just a made up excuse for fussy babies (had all this ourselves). Could you show her some printed stuff on it or even take her along to the gp with you when you renew the prescription? Just a shot in the dark!

Ionasky Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:52

Agree, she's just too opinionated. Fwiw, nursery don't do everything how you'd want it but as others have said, the medication is a deal breaker. Get dh to back you up either way before saying anything but try not to fall out with her as you'll still need her support even if not one day every week. The rusk thing is also nuts...ps tried filing the nails instead of cutting?

bookbird Tue 23-Apr-13 19:59:59

Family childcare can be a blessing, but not at the expense of general family relations, or the feeling of worry when you are leaving your child in someones care who regularly disregards your wishes. This would be a deal breaker for me.

I would not use your MIL for childcare (given her track record after only 11 weeks), sorry.

LittleBearPad Tue 23-Apr-13 20:03:50

When are you going back to work? If after weaning (6 months etc) you may feel better but to be honest I'd get a childminder. She has had children and chose how to look after them but your DS isn't her child so she should respect your choices.

Finola1step Tue 23-Apr-13 20:05:22

I agree that the stopping of prescribed medication is the big one here. Wouldn't be surprised if she gave baby his first taste of baby rice etc on the day she has him. Paid childcare allows you to set the expectations in my experience.

AlbertaCampion Tue 23-Apr-13 20:06:58

OP, are we SILs? grin You have just described my mother to a T.

"Are you still pouring those drugs down his throat?" she would ask, every time we spoke, before telling me that doctors didn't know what they were talking about and mums knew best (but not me, obviously).

"Just a little bit!" she would stay, wafting a chunk of rusk under his nose. She went out and bought the rusks specially, although I kept asking not to. He was 10 weeks old. She tried feeding him creme caramel while my back was turned...

If my DM and your MIL are as similar as they sound, I have to warn you that it doesn't get any better. Now he is one, the battlegrounds are rusks (still) and cakes/biscuits/chocolates, and Robinson's fruit squash - she thinks I am "cruel" for giving him plain water and that he doesn't like it, even though it is what he drinks day in, day out.

My advice? However much you dislike confrontation, stand your ground now.

EndoplasmicReticulum Tue 23-Apr-13 20:07:18

You sort of have a choice, but it's not a good one.

Option 1 - let MIL look after your baby and put up with early weaning and withdrawal of medication.

Option 2 - let MIL look after your baby and try to get her to do things your way instead. This may be impossible.

Option 3 - sort out alternative childcare, shrug off any resulting tantrum from MIL.

Option 3 seems your best bet, really.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 23-Apr-13 20:10:00

Not a chance I would leave my child with someone who would with hold prescribed medication or even say they would.

Chandon Tue 23-Apr-13 20:10:17

I woud look for professional childcare, it sounds too annoying.

BerylStreep Tue 23-Apr-13 20:13:16

This is going to be trouble. She doesn't respect your wishes. I would sort something else out. When are you going back to work?

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 20:13:58

Sort out the childcare. she won't take you seriously, in any eventuality, unless you make this stand NOW.

You child is at risk here, for a few quid a week (well £££, but you get the idea)

Please find someone who will care for your baby.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 20:18:30

when are you returning to work, after a year or sooner?

Personally, the medication and the ignoring your wishes re weaning would be enough, I'd start by asking your DH how he's going to tackle both of these because if she carries out her threats, you don't think she's safe to have your DS. It doesn't matter that she's raised lots of other children, this is your child and it's your job to do the best for him, and if your MIL does carry out these threats, then she's not the best for him. I would personally get professional childcare, and tell your DH yo'ure happy to tell his DM the truth (that you do'nt think she's able to look after your DS well enough) or he can help you think of a good way of wording it.

BumbleBee2011 Tue 23-Apr-13 20:19:57

A lot of people wouldn't be able to look for an alternative, but if you can afford it would seem like a very easy decision to me (this is the tip of the iceberg, there will be a lot more stuff later on she'll totally disregard you over).

lauriedriver Tue 23-Apr-13 20:21:40

If you really need the childcare then I suggest you try your best to ignore her.

she sounds irritating but it is only 1 day a week. She's probably guilty of being a loving gran who thinks she's doing you a favour & passing on advice. However outdated that advice might be.

i can't see why your child would come to any harm in her care & your baby will grow up having a loving bond with gran.

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