To think that this Reverand is rude?

(220 Posts)
PrettyKitty1986 Tue 23-Apr-13 18:22:06

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

Skinnywhippet Tue 23-Apr-13 18:44:30

Why do you need a Sunday? Look, you are being rather precious. Your wedding may be the be all and end all to you, but you can't expect everybody else to prioritise your day.

bicyclebuiltforfour Tue 23-Apr-13 18:47:37

My dad is a vicar, and they are incredibly incredibly overworked and busy the whole time: hence the brief reply. I wouldn't take it as rude or as him brushing you off, rather just as his manner of talking: my dad doesn't know any 'corporate speak' and tends to email in a similarly straightforward manner!

I highly doubt he's going to move heaven and earth (pardon the pun!) to help you marry there on a Sunday: as others have said, his priority is to his parishioners (and his own sanity). If it has to be the Sunday, go for somewhere else.

AuntieStella Tue 23-Apr-13 18:48:06

I think the vicar means 'no'.

But even if he did mean there was wriggle room, you're not going to want to be married by someone you have taken an aversion to.

I think you need to look elsewhere for the ceremony. Good luck in finding a church that has the capacity to do weddings on a Sunday you'll need it!)

JenaiMorris Tue 23-Apr-13 18:48:38

Vicars are busy, especially on Sundays. Many have more than one church to conduct a service at on Sundays, let alone more than one service a day in the one church!

The vicar was a bit rude perhaps but I think you might be being a little unrealistic. Having said that Sunday wedding at C of E churches are more commonplace now so you're not being completely out there in asking I suppose.

Maybe you got their back up with the very tenuous link - perhaps they're tired of people choosing the church because it's pretty or something, and expecting to be able to book it as they might book a register office or one of those specialist venues you see in bridal magazines. Some vicars are traditionalists like that.

ShadowStorm Tue 23-Apr-13 18:50:36

FWIW, our church usually only does ordinary Sunday services and baptisms on Sundays. That's the busiest day of the week for a clergyman. Especially one that covers three parishes and has three Sunday services to fit in, like ours does. Reverends covering more than one parish is getting commoner these days.

Just another thought - at our church, there's a mid-week morning service, and the reverend usually stays at the church for an hour or so afterwards. During this time, he's available for people to come and talk to him about baptims, confirmations, weddings and funerals. He does this mid week as he's often more pressed for time after the Sunday service, as he covers three parishes.

If the church you're looking at does something similar, it might be worthwhile for you to go along and see if you can chat face to face, to see if there is a suitable alternative to a Sunday for you. But I really think you won't get anywhere with the reverend if you're set on a Sunday wedding.

Exhaustipated Tue 23-Apr-13 18:52:39

I'm afraid I agree with others- you need to see this from his perspective. You email a request, he politely says no. You email again with no alternative proposal, pushing for something that is not common practice, in a church you have a tenuous connection to.

He is busy visiting the sick etc and doesn't reply, you email the same thing, again!

I'm afraid it doesn't look like getting married there is very likely, but if you want to try again I would suggest some alternative days.

jacks365 Tue 23-Apr-13 18:56:53

If this is c of e then your family link is too tenuous, you need close family living in parish or to have been baptised there. Your future pil marrying there is not anywhere near good enough. My local reverend does three Sunday services plus there are also other church wardens etc to take into account.

He said no politely but you pushed it, look elsewhere.

Purplehulk Tue 23-Apr-13 18:57:12

Sorry, no I don't think he's rude. It's not his job to rearrange everything on an already busy day just to fit in with your reception plans. If this church is that important to you, you'll approach things in a very different way. Ask when the church is available, then organise the reception, (there's probably more than one venue in the area)

Unfortunatelyanxious Tue 23-Apr-13 19:01:55

Churches are open on Sundays for acts of worship.I have never heard of a wedding on a Sunday.

Go for a stately home or something they only want your money so simpler.

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Tue 23-Apr-13 19:02:32

a vicar who is dealing with funerals, grieving parishoners, sick parishioners, baptisms, visiting families etc and you are surprised that rearranging all this, to suit someone whose fiance's gran once got married in his church over half a century ago, isn't top of his priorities?

hmm. awful man. hmm

Bobyan Tue 23-Apr-13 19:02:34

Have you ever even worshipped at the church?

saulaboutme Tue 23-Apr-13 19:02:38

Usually this can only take place at the discretion of the church in exceptional circumstances so I wouldn't pin my hopes on a Sunday.
Maybe send one last email to explain lining up a venue, after that if no joy I would move on I'm afraid.
He's not obliged to you and sometimes they can be abit off especially if your request is not a priority like he said.
Good luck.

BandersnatchCummerbund Tue 23-Apr-13 19:03:32

I, too, think that his initial answer really meant that it was not possible, and unfortunately you misunderstood and didn't pick up on that. Now he's probably irritated that you're still asking about it when he feels he's said no, while you're annoyed because you didn't realise he'd said no in the first place! It's a miscommunication, that's all.

Don't let it upset you. I would just accept that you will have to choose between marrying on the date you've chosen, or marrying in the church you wanted. But yeah, if you want a church wedding whether there or elsewhere then you'll get nowhere trying for a Sunday - in most churches they just don't happen. Pick a different day, and try again. smile

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Tue 23-Apr-13 19:03:51

and why do you need a sunday? is it cheaper to get the reception on a sunday? or is the next day a bank holiday?

TippiShagpile Tue 23-Apr-13 19:05:52

Eeek, I definitely wouldn't say you've already got a venue lined up. That will just wind him up even more. (Quite rightly so)

PuppyMonkey Tue 23-Apr-13 19:06:55

If it helps, I do think it was a bit off that he asked you to supply info about the family connection and then didn't just come back and say no. But he was probably just busy. In which case, instead of sending you the snotty email saying you weren't top of his priorities, he should have just confirmed no it wasn't going to happen.

Been to loads of weddings on a Sunday. Catholic. smile

Sirzy Tue 23-Apr-13 19:06:58

My sister got married on a Sunday but she is a regular parishioner and it was all done to suit the vicar (who was also a guest at the reception!)

A lot of places offer a discount for the reception on a Sunday.

Gunznroses Tue 23-Apr-13 19:13:24

And please do stop saying 'Reverand' hmm

SadOldGit Tue 23-Apr-13 19:16:45

Sunday weddings are unusual. I did get married on a Sunday

BUT

it was the church I had always attended (had been a Sunday School Leader at one point), parents live in parish and mother attends every week

we were planning a Saturday wedding later in the year when we discovered that now DH (who was in forces at time) had been told he was being posted in first Gulf Conflict - indefinite posting going in less than a fortnight.

We married under special license, service was immediately after regular Sunday Service - only our immediate family could attend at such short notice (no reception etc) but all the lovely parishioners stayed behind after service to attend and it was a lovely wedding, and thankfully DH returned safely a few months later.

JenaiMorris Tue 23-Apr-13 19:18:35

I'm glad you mentioned that you've been to lots of Sunday weddings, puppy.

I assumed the OP's after a non-RC wedding, as the Sunday aversion seems to be an Anglican thing.

Salmotrutta Tue 23-Apr-13 19:24:07

Apparently, if you get married on a Sunday in Scotland, the wedding service must be finished by 6pm.

I vaguely remember reading that on the "rules" thingy they give you when you apply for the licence.

So Sunday weddings must happen up here sometimes.

ananikifo Tue 23-Apr-13 19:29:08

Jenai: I'm Catholic and have never heard of Sunday weddings. Our priests and churches are just as busy on Sunday as any other Christian ones. I would expect a similar response if the OP tried to ask for a Sunday wedding at my parish. Certainly at the churches I've attended there's never been a Sunday wedding.

ananikifo Tue 23-Apr-13 19:30:31

I mean, no Sunday weddings hat I know of in the time I've been attending these churches. With our mass schedule I'm not sure when you would fit a wedding in on a Sunday.

PuppyMonkey Tue 23-Apr-13 19:31:44

I can give you the names and addresses of Catholic Churches that will do Sundays if you like grin Notts/Derbyshire

edwardsmum11 Tue 23-Apr-13 19:33:33

Tbh it doesnt seem a strong connection tbh.

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