To think that this Reverand is rude?

(220 Posts)
PrettyKitty1986 Tue 23-Apr-13 18:22:06

Df thinks IABU but I actually feel quite pissed off ATM.
So-we are getting married next year. We want to get married on a Sunday, in a church that is not our parish church but one that has family connections.
I emailed the Reverand to enquire about the date and ask if he would marry us (we were told by the Parish secretary to email not phone/call in). I got a reply the next day, saying that Sundays were 'not the best day for weddings as the clergy are busy and parishioners who need to attend may have family commitments'. He then went on to ask for details of the qualifying connection that would allow us to marry there so that we could discuss it further.
I emailed back later that day with details of the connection (df's grandparents marrying there) and also asked if there was any time of day we could marry on a Sunday that would be less inconvenient and thus allow us to marry on a Sunday.
I waited for a reply for a full week and nothing.
So, I forwarded the email again, and just said I wanted to check he had received it as I had n't yet had a reply.
He sent an email back saying (word for word) 'I have received your email but it is not quite to the top of my list. Regards'.
That was a week ago...and nothing since.

AIBU to think he's being 'off'? It's now been nearly a month since my first email and we're at risk of losing the provisional booking we have for our venue as we still don't know if he will marry us on that date.

Also, where do I go from here? What can I email him now? Just to stress also, I have been impeccably polite in all emails...I know that marrying in this church is a privelage not a right, but it is very special to df and I really want to be able to marry there for him...so want to move things along but not risk pissing this Reverand off!

Sorry it's long!

lopsided Tue 23-Apr-13 18:26:10

Churches don't usually marry anyone on a Sunday. Some Catholic ones do and some others but c of e ones not really.

Yes he was a bit rude.
He could have quickly emailed that he'll get back to you as soon as he can.

Tommy Tue 23-Apr-13 18:26:38

well........ you emailed and asked him something, he has replied and said that's not possible. You emailed back and whined a bit to get him to change his mind then wondering why he is not replying? It probably isn't the top of his list TBH - a couple he doesn't know wanting to get married in the church they don't worship at on a day when he doesn't do weddings
hmm

Most churches won't marry on a Sunday. Didn't you know that?

Tommy Tue 23-Apr-13 18:27:43

yes - perhaps he was a bit rude but maybe he's dealing with a really difficult funeral or something

He won't marry you on a Sunday.

HTH

TippiShagpile Tue 23-Apr-13 18:29:32

I think it's his subtle way of saying "No".

He's probably busy with parishioners' problems. Perhaps he's had a run of funerals. Who knows.

If you really want to marry there then ask for a Saturday. Otherwise, get another church/venue.

Anthracite Tue 23-Apr-13 18:29:39

It's difficult to know if he is being rude without seing transcripts of both sets of emails.

What is wrong with you parish church?

HootShoot Tue 23-Apr-13 18:30:31

Maybe he was a tad off but to be honest you are giving away your lack of church going credentials by asking him to marry you on a Sunday and did you address him reverand? Its spelt reverend, I don't normally pick up on spelling but it may have counted against you. His priorities will be to his parishioners, are you sure you want him to marry you if you are feeling upset towards him already?

picnicbasketcase Tue 23-Apr-13 18:30:43

I don't think he's being that rude tbh. His email was a bit curt perhaps but I don't blame him for feeling a mite harassed if you've emailed him the same thing twice despite him already telling you that Sundays are actually quite busy days in churches.

He said no. He's allowed. He was trying to be polite, but he said no. You didn't "get" it and pushed him - so he told you every so politely to fuck off.

That's how I read it, anyway.

Sirzy Tue 23-Apr-13 18:35:29

Surely you book your service before planning the rest of the wedding?

he had already said no which you didn't want to accept.

DIYapprentice Tue 23-Apr-13 18:35:39

Did you explain why you would like to get married on a Sunday? Is it because of the reception venue? Is it a venue nearby? Are there many parishioners attending your wedding?

Also, he may need to double check the record of your grandparents getting married there. TBH it isn't the closest of ties, and he probably needs to find out what the church is planning around that time. There are usually a couple of services, concerts in the evening etc, which may be in planning stage and not yet finalised which need to be double checked.

Scheherezade Tue 23-Apr-13 18:36:14

I wouldn't call grooms grandparents wedding a family connection.

Are you for real?

You want to get married in a church that your fiancee's grandparents married in? So about 50 years ago then?

You want to get married on a day that C of E don't do weddings.

AND

You've hassled the vicar.

Look just book a civil ceremony now. There is no way you're getting married in that church.

meditrina Tue 23-Apr-13 18:36:51

His Parish duties will take first priority, so I'm not surprised at the low priorit he has given a request for a wedding on a day he's already told you is not normally available at all. A connexion to the Parish from two generations ago probably isn't going to swing it.

Perhaps you could enquire in parallel at your respective home parishes. They have to marry you, but again might not be available on a Sunday. So best start thinking about Plan B.

TallGiraffe Tue 23-Apr-13 18:37:00

His church might be different but ours has two morning services, usually 2 baptism services after that and then an evening service. Trust me you wouldn't want the vicar marrying you in amongst that, he'd be knackered and grumpy!

AllYoursBabooshka Tue 23-Apr-13 18:39:04

Yes he was rude.

BackforGood Tue 23-Apr-13 18:39:23

I have to agree with everyone else.
Churches don't hold weddings on Sundays - that's the day all the other services are.
For some exceptional circumstance, there might be s vicar who would agree to do it, but you are unlikely to qualify as that, as, from what I've read,
-you don't attend the Church
-you haven't ever attended the church
-you aren't the son or daughter of anyone who attends the church
-you don't actually live in the parish
-even the people you are claiming the connection to the church with (if I've read it right ?) just got married there, weren't members and regular attenders ?

It might not be ideal that he hasn't been able to write out a longer reply yet, after you didn't pick up the polite hint in his first e-mail, but I think he's got a point.

He wasn't rude. Bet he did have a good laugh though.

Badvoc Tue 23-Apr-13 18:41:41

It's Reverend btw.
In my local church you would not be able to get married on a Sunday.
I think the vicar is saying no.
You have no real connection to that church.

Anthracite Tue 23-Apr-13 18:41:53

There is no particular CofE reason for not having marriage ceremonies on Sundays. If it were my church, it would be pretty hard to fit around the four services, and activities we already have planned for Sunday afternoons. The vicar usually has Sunday lunch with some family or other is another consideration. A Sunday wedding would be exceptional and only reserved for church family.

We also insist on tourist couples attending an eight-week marriage preparation course (which is highly recommended for family couples too, although not enforceable).

Can you really not choose a different day (ie one that isn't a Sunday)? That seems like the obvious answer.

AngelinaJoliesBeard Tue 23-Apr-13 18:44:29

He said no to Sundays and you emailed pushing for him to change that which is quite rude. When he politely ignored you pushing, you quite rudely sent the email again. He was abrupt but he obviously realised the softly softly polite approach to your emails wasn't working. YABU.

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