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AIBU?

to think SIL would want to come on a family days out?

66 replies

FuckOffMrBloom · 23/04/2013 14:43

Months ago we all talked about taking the same week off in the holidays and doing some days out all together with the DC, we have three and they have one. So, things like swimming, trip up to London on the train, Legoland etc.

It's now emerging that SIl isn't planning on actually coming on any of the trips, she is a SAHM and plans to use the time as childfree time while we go out with all the kids.

This really changes the dynamic that I had in my head of Dh and his brother, all the children together and then me and her.

She said that Legoland etc will be boring because she doens't do rides , well, nor do I really but the whole point is watching the DC on them, surely? She won't come swimming because she hates it and has never taken her DS, tbh I don't mind that as much, but then she won't come to London or the beach because she doesn't fancy it.

I'm starting to feel like I'd rather cancel the whole thing and just do stuff with my DH and DC because otherwise I'll feel like a bit of a spare part to DH and his brother.

I'm quite irrationally pissed off by it, tbh. It's a bit weird, isn't it? Or is it just me?

We get on really well, by the way, and see each other a few times a week, so I don't think it's because she doesn't want to spend time with me.

What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

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MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2013 14:45

She wants some time off. I say SINBU and I feel very sympathetic (I am a part SAHM, part-time contract, part landlord M).

Sirzy · 23/04/2013 14:46

I think it would be nice if she went on some of the days out but I can understand why she wants a day off!

WipsGlitter · 23/04/2013 14:48

Let her have a few days off. And you too, let the brothers bond!

Flyonthewindscreen · 23/04/2013 14:49

I can see why you are a bit miffed if she opts out of all the outings (don't blame her for opting out of one or two for some time to herself). But was your SIL as keen on the week of joint family outings idea in the first place or was it always something your DH and his DB fancied? At the end of the day it is between SIL and her DH if he is happy to take their DC out all week and her not spend any of that time with them.

YoniLovesChachi · 23/04/2013 14:50

It sounds like she could do with a break, and her DH seems happy for her to miss the days out, so YABU.

It would be silly to cancel, as these days are really for the children and not the adults. She might change her mind and tag along for some of the trips when the time comes anyway.

aldiwhore · 23/04/2013 14:51

YABU.

Doing it for the children to bond with their cousins may seem like an honourable thing to do, but I managed rather well without cousins at all.

I can't imagine anything worse than forced bonding. I like to choose where I go and who with. IABU probably as I loathe my selfish SIL. But even if I liked her, a couple of times a year is quite enough.

As you see you SIL quite a lot, maybe there's nothing personal in it and she'd just rather have a week off you too? Without wishing to upset you?

wonderingifiam2013 · 23/04/2013 14:55

I understand her wanting some time to herself if she is a SAHM - and maybe wants her DH to spend some time with the kids by himself?

Why don't you have a day off too and suggest you have a ladies that lunch day - with lots of of course :)

KurriKurri · 23/04/2013 14:59

I don't quite understand why SIL needs a week off more than anyone else? - is she ill? presumably everyone involved in taking these children out on trips either works out of the home or is a SAHP, how is what she does any more demanding than what they do?

Maybe you should all decide you'd like a bit of me time and hope the kids will take care if themselves for the duration.

YANBU op.

StanleyLambchop · 23/04/2013 14:59

I understand where you are coming from, it does seem like a bit of a snub tbh. I think you have two choices- to pull out and just do stuff with your own DH & DC -or- to go along anyway on the understanding that your BIL deals with his own children, and they are not dumped on you like some sort of surrogate mother- your DH will need to back you up if this does happen! If she does not want to be there you cannot make her-equally though you should not have to look after her kids for her if you don't want to.

FuckOffMrBloom · 23/04/2013 15:00

Oh, I forgot to say that THIS WAS HER IDEA.

(Sorry, that bit was quite important).

I am a CM so I am around children all day every day. She is a SAHM to a five year old who is at school.

OP posts:

FuckOffMrBloom · 23/04/2013 15:01

I never said it was for the DC to bond?

It was her idea because her DS is an only child, to go to a theme park/swimming with our three so he had company.

OP posts:

StanleyLambchop · 23/04/2013 15:02

If you are a CM then it is doubly important you set the boundaries re. the childcare, or your DH & BIL may just assume you will take care of all the kids while they go of for some brotherly bonding.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2013 15:02

Her kid is at school in the day and it was her idea. FuckOffMrBloom you are a champion drip-feeder

YAnowNBU.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 23/04/2013 15:02

YANBU.

It changes the whole dynamic of the week.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 23/04/2013 15:03

What week is it OP? I'll come with instead

FuckOffMrBloom · 23/04/2013 15:04

First week of August. Come along. It'll be epic

OP posts:

specialsubject · 23/04/2013 15:04

an important extra piece of information comes to light!

sounds like you want some time off too - and why not?

get both husbands to do the outings. :-)

YoniLovesChachi · 23/04/2013 15:05

"I don't quite understand why SIL needs a week off more than anyone else?"

You don't need to know why she thinks she needs a bit of time to herself. She's decided she does, that's her prerogative. She's changed her mind about wanting to go on these days out, also her prerogative.

I don't think her being a SAHM has any bearing on whether she should be allowed to do something to please herself.

HumphreyCobbler · 23/04/2013 15:07

YANBU. I am also slightly puzzled as to why SIL deserves a day away from children more than any of the rest of you do. Without an adult mate around you are basically looking after four children and I would be a trifle annoyed about that.

HumphreyCobbler · 23/04/2013 15:08

obviously people from all walks of life deserve a day off. We don't all go about getting one in the same way as SIL has here.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 23/04/2013 15:09

Yes, she is BU.

But now you can say "ooh, dh, what a good idea of SILs, how lovely for you and BIL to have the time together, I think I'll stay home too".

Because otherwise, Stanley is right, you're going to end up looking after all 4 kids (because its only 1 extra and you're a cm and can manage, right?) while the men disappear for 3 hours to buy some chips.

Exhaustipated · 23/04/2013 15:14

YANBU. Seems either very strange or rather cheeky. I have health issues, am a SAHM to a preschooler and a baby, and I know what it feels like to need a break! Was going to say YABU, a bit. But one five year old at school... Do you think there's something she's not telling you? Problems between her and her DH?

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Exhaustipated · 23/04/2013 15:15

Yes to getting husbands to do it- you have a break too :)

AprilFoolishness · 23/04/2013 15:16

I suspect there is somethign she's not telling you. But YANBU because I also suspect her DH thinks 'Oh it'll be fine because FuckOffBloom is a CM so she can manage the kids.'
I think you need to moot the idea of you staying home a few days to your DH and see what reaction you get. If he can't handle the kids with his brother, then I'd can the whole thing tbh and just do family stuff, otehrwise it's just additional work for you.

QuintessentialOHara · 23/04/2013 15:19

Why dont you follow her lead? See it as your day off, surely your dh and his brother can manage four kids between them?

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