Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

AIBU to think it's not just my responsibility?!

(42 Posts)
SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 01:41:59

NC'd for this.

I live with my MIL, PIL and DP. We have DS together and we are saving up to move out, but it's slow-going. DP works 16 hours a week, mostly on a Saturday and then split up in two chunks over the rest of the working week. I'm currently looking for a job. We have the occasional clash but things are coming to a head quite quickly on this.

Everything seems to be "my" responsibility. Like Friday - we needed to take DS with us to the nearest town, 20 minutes away. We alternate lie-ins and it was my turn in bed. DP got up with DS, fed him and had his breakfast etc, and then I got up an hour later. As soon as I came down DP said "we need to leave in XX minutes, have you brought down clothes for DS?" I said no, didn't realize I'd have to, and DP said "oh, well you do. Can you get them please?". I went and grabbed some stuff from DS's wardrobe and then had breakfast.

As soon as I finished eating DP said "have you got the nappy bag ready?". I told him no because I'd been having my breakfast, and why hadn't he done it in the first place, only for him to tell me that the nappy bag is my responsibility. I got cross and told him that on the mornings he gets up later than I do, I don't bother him with idiot questions because I sort everything out in advance, and he told me that's why he just leaves it for me to do, and why should I assume he's done the same, only for me to start shouting and saying that I don't consider him to be a fucking idiot who's incompetent and unable to perform even the simplest of tasks.

It's such a small thing but it's really grating on me. I think his mothers' attitude of "womens work" is rubbing off on him slowly, because he was never like this before! It's something every day now, have you done this, that, the other? It's driving me fucking mad! AIBU?! I just want a partner who actually has a brain of his own!

LIZS Mon 22-Apr-13 16:10:27

Sounds as if he has got a bit complacent on his 16 hour job . Promise of same again in 2 years isn't worth anything until it comes to fruition. Is it really so specific he can't do anything else, ask about promotion opportunities or look around for a job with more hours. Could you do cleaning or babysitting as well as college?

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 15:13:54

single - you need to know how much you save every month so you know how long it will take to save your deposit.

you need to know, so if it is going to take 5-10 years, you can come up with plan B.

don't be fobbed off - you need to know.

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 14:38:48

I know it's not as easy as just "getting a job" (or one with more hours in his case) but this is an unsustainable situation. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be. Both your efforts at job-hunting aren't working (not a reflection on you) so you need to try something different.

Have you considered going self-employed as a cleaner or taking in some ironing? You could plan your hours around DP's job, and have the added bonus of making him take a more proactive role in DS's care.

IME, however, unless you can make the point well and get your DP to change his ways relatively soon, he will never change and this abdication of responsibility will simply get worse over time.

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 14:37:27

We put money by automatically - every week a certain percentage of any benefits we get goes into the savings, as well as a certain percentage of DP's monthly pay. DP sorts everything on that side of things, but we're definitely depositing every month.

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 14:28:22

that is v tricky.

are you really making large enough savings for a deposit?
do you put money by every month?
have you calculated the number of months it will take to have sufficient a deposit?

you need to make sure your new home plan is viable.

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 14:24:01

No, we don't contribute, which makes me feel worse about things if I'm honest. We've offered, because with child tax credits we have a little more coming in than just his 16-hours, but they flat-out refused.

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 14:16:51

how are you saving for a house on 16 hours per week for a family of 3?

do you pay his parents rent and for food?

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Mon 22-Apr-13 12:56:07

I'd refuse to do the things he demands that you do. Re the clothes, I'd have said 'No I'm not getting them, there are plenty of clothes in his wardrobe for you to dress him in', or with the changing bag 'No, I've not done it, you'll need to do it'

He sounds a lazy arse tbh

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 12:43:31

Can you get a job Single? You both need to be working really....unless your baby is really small of course. But by the sound of it, you need to get out of his parent's house and that won't happen as things are.

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 11:36:27

He has been looking, but very halfheartedly. It was by sheer dumb chance that he scored the job he has. I'm looking at going back to college in September for one day a week to enhance my skills but that'll cost money...

BlackeyedSusan Mon 22-Apr-13 10:49:40

<pats mamma's shoulder> HE'S YOUR EX.

sarcasm... I am sorry I was not aware that you were so incompetant and unble to look after your own child.

alternatively, tell him that you do not find it attractive when you have to mother him.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 10:15:31

What Squeaky said! He can't wait two years for another 16 hours!

Phantomteadrinker Mon 22-Apr-13 10:13:36

Not sure why either of you needs a lay-in. Perhaps you should scrap the extra time in bed and get everything ready together rather than bickering about whose turn it is

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 22-Apr-13 10:07:27

What Fitzgerald said!

Are you quite young? Could he or you, maybe retrain? Put yourself in a better position?

squeakytoy Mon 22-Apr-13 10:03:04

"In the next two years, another branch of DP's work is opening up closer to us, and he's been told he can keep his job where he is and do an extra 16 hours a week with this new branch."

riiight.. so in two years time he will be able to double his hours, and STILL only be doing a part time job..

Why does he not look for another job now?

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 09:11:54

And MrsBertBibby - I don't react badly at all, because when he does do it he's brilliant at it! That's another thing I just don't understand, it's not like he screws up and I turn into a broom-whacking hausfrau who puts him in the naughty corner for forgetting the wetwipes!

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 09:10:01

FitzgeraldProtagonist - I almost cried laughing at that one.

He's on a fixed contract, no possibility of overtime because of the position he works. I'm currently unemployed and am registered with around 10 different job sites, receiving updates on any work in the area. I've also canvassed the three nearest towns/cities with my CV and application forms twice. We have a laugh about it and say that I work 16 hours a week simply looking for work!

In the next two years, another branch of DP's work is opening up closer to us, and he's been told he can keep his job where he is and do an extra 16 hours a week with this new branch.

Me and MIL get on great, but sometimes her attitude is very last century. I've been kicking up a heck of a stink about this and it's apparently MY attitude that's causing it. I've sat them both down and explained that I'm not a servant or his secretary, and that when he is in work I do the care of DS and the housework, but everything outside of those 16 hours a week is to be split 50-50.

He's doing the hoovering as we speak. Let's see how long it lasts!

And trust me, I don't like living with them any more than I'd like to still be with my parents, but unfortunately we're completely stranded, unless we want to be on Housing Benefit for the rest of our lives.

FitzgeraldProtagonist Mon 22-Apr-13 08:56:09

Love the responses along the lines of "get another job how will you manage"

Shit, they probably never thought about that hmm

Because all these jobs just grow on trees.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 08:42:55

Are you working OP? It's not good as a set up...both of you in his parents house and him only working 16 hours!

malteserzz Mon 22-Apr-13 08:41:56

If he's only working 16 hours a week surely it will take you ages to save up enough money to move out ! Couldn't he get another part time job ?

It sounds like your DP resents you for something (not working? some incident in the past?) and this is his way of passive-aggressively taking it out on you.

Not saying he is right to do so, but that's what it sounds like. Could you have a big discussion to clear the air?

LIZS Mon 22-Apr-13 08:36:57

The longer you live with his parents the less likely he is to change . Can he find additional work ? Who is going to look after ds if you find a job , does he ever take him out alone ?

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 08:32:37

'Have you changed his nappy yet?
Have you started dinner yet?
Have you ironed {clothes} for me?
Have youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave you!!!'

Why are you ironing for him? The correct answer is always, 'No. Do it yourself. I am not a skivvy.'

lottiegarbanzo Mon 22-Apr-13 08:28:50

You need to talk it through, then adopt stuck record approach. Stay calm, don't shout, just say 'I am / have been busy doing x, would you do that', as a calm instruction, not a question.

It is really easy to get into these habits, especially early on, when one person can quickly become the expert on a particular task, the other reluctant in case they get it wrong. Reassure him he's capable, perhaps offer to watch while he does it, once, to confirm he knows what he's doing. Sometimes you do have to let go a bit and let the other person do things their own way, so long as it works.

SoupDragon Mon 22-Apr-13 08:12:58

TBH, you aren't helping by actually doing the stuff - eg when asked to get clothes, say "I need to have breakfast, just go and grab something from the wardrobe"

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now