To think she's a idiot.

(58 Posts)
Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:22:05

About 2 years ago, a mutual friend took my eldest for a group play date (both were 4-5ish) her son is a hitter and a bitter.

On the play date her son hit my ds and unfortunetly my ds had a toy Hoover in his hand, and hit the son. Apparently this caused the child to have internal bleeding in his ear.
We apologised profoundly but didn't chastise ds, other than to say he should NOT hit with a object.

Normally we would say, tell x, never hit back etc but this child, however after numerous biting incidents, and hitting incidents dh told ds to hit back.

Anyway that was two years ago.

We can't separate the boys as they are in the same class at school and also play in the same grouping friends but me as dh do keep a eye on them when together.

Last week as a friends house ds and another friends child (A) was playing football and and X child didn't want to play, but wanted to play with A, who didn't want to play the game X wanted.

With that X went up to ds and kicked and pursued him over, ds started crying as he grazed his hand (boys are not 7 now).

X mum just sat their saying nothing, while I cleaned up but did go outside to tell A he had to play X game. hmm

I should state, that their was 5 other children present who were playing tig, skipping ropes etc.... So not as if X was alone.

When I came back everyone was quiet and looked puzzled but injust left it.

On Friday I find out that X mum will never tell her child off, because she will never get over that "the little shit gave her son internal bleeding and as far as she's concerned he can hit away"

My ds does not hit, in all this time he has hit once child, which was hers, he's not a angel he is a stroppy little mite, but he gets along with everyone, and he's never really been in a situation where he needs to hit, as he just walks away.

I'm furious and can't even look at the friend, ds says when x hits him he always tells the teacher, or us, which he does.

So I'm now torn what to tell ds, do we tell him to continue telling a adult or tell him to hit back.

Her son knows he can hit out child, and nothing will be done to him.

I see her everyday at the school and currently I can't even look at her, I find her whole attuide vile.

There is more to this but ie kept it short.

hairtearing Mon 22-Apr-13 10:43:14

My god what an awful attitude, I've had aggression issues with a DC in the past and the best is to talk top them ask them why etc,

I also heavily judge so called parents who swear around/about kids its says a lot about their moral compass.

Jinty64 Mon 22-Apr-13 07:11:58

You don't need to lose your other friends. Make a point of inviting them over, just don't invite the other Mum. You may miss out on some things but, if you invite some of them individually, I'm sure you will be invited back.

Altinkum Mon 22-Apr-13 07:07:40

Just seems unfair that other mum gets to continue with her live with MY friends, and mine and ds1, have to change ours because of a child.

I need to protect my son and will be keeping to the no contact, in order to protect him, but woke this morning feeling really resentful of the whole situation as its me and ds who is missing out, and he himself is feeling punished, as he is not going to X party, this weekend, while all his friends are, we can't even make it up to him as we are both working.

Altinkum Mon 22-Apr-13 07:02:54

The thing is I'm really upset that in actually losing my friends, not the mum as they are lovely, and don't want to lose me.

Altinkum Mon 22-Apr-13 07:01:20

The other child does scouts, so for that reason we haven't enrolled ds, he does play football 3 days a week tho, as with judo.

pigletmania Sun 21-Apr-13 23:05:56

Tbh I would tell the parent and have little to do with her and her ds

simplesusan Sun 21-Apr-13 22:45:54

You have done the right thing telling this mother that your ds will not be playing with her ds.

I would stop all out of school contact immediately. If your ds is invited to another friend's house, I would ask if this child is going and if so say sorry, he can't come and then explain why. I would let all the parents know that your ds is not allowed to be left alone with this child and then it is upto them to make up their own minds.
Go into school and explain the situation, ask that they keep an eye out.

Now tell your ds that it is not ok to hit, ever.

Also start and socialise away from this group. Try out activities away from school. I agree with the poster who mentioned scouts. let your ds experience a new, peaceful, calm side to life. Encourage other activities. Tbh I would not have let it get this far, I would have removed my dc from this terrible situation earlier.

snooter Sun 21-Apr-13 22:27:12

"Internal bleeding" she's fussing about. It will have been a little cut just inside the fleshy part of the ear, long since healed up without any adverse consequences, unless a toy hoover has some sort of sharp prong that could go right down the lughole. This woman sounds very odd & a complete pain.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-13 22:20:45

since then we have massively limited our time with this child and his mother, however sometimes (about 3 times) we have had social gatherings together and each time, her son has attacked our child and the mother has done nothing.

But nor have you or your DH confused

You're not tackling the child doing the hitting and you're not tackling the parents either.

Nobody in your son's life is doing anything to help him.

Either tackle it or stop putting your son in that situation, it's really not fair.

CombineBananaFister Sun 21-Apr-13 20:12:43

Really feel for you actually, been in that situation with Ds and nephew and it ended pretty badly - I kid you not, attempted to stab him (ds 3.5 ,nephew 5). We now don't see some family as a result of it.
Also think it's not fair to judge you for telling your Ds to hit back, there comes a point when you can no longer watch your child being hurt with only harsh words as discipline which are completely ineffective if their own parents condone it.
Agree with the telling him off publicly and repeatedly especially using the word 'bully' if you have to mix socially, otherwise walk away from mixing with them.
Decent people spend far to much time being polite in these situations and it damages YOUR child who can't understand why you're not sticking up for him. Hope it works out ok.

Wannabestepfordwife Sun 21-Apr-13 19:58:18

Completely agree with worra your ds needs to know that you will always have his back.

By the sounds of it x's behaviour is just going to get more extreme so I wouldn't be surprised if others in your circle start to distance themselves

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta Sun 21-Apr-13 19:49:52

Ah, OK.

I was a bit confused about the sequence of events.

I'd be staying away socially and re-iterating with school that they must be kept separate whenever possible.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:42:54

X mum agreed with ther friends version and said her son had been horrible and was "tired" this has all been said on previous comments.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:40:32

The cat we are fine, we have our struggles, and it can be difficult, but we are trying to work through them.

Sal, as I said previously the mum took ds for a play date, another friend was there who phoned dh, other friend told us, whatbhas happened, ds came home with bite marks on his back etc...

Dh was at home wth ds2, I was at work.

Salmotrutta Sun 21-Apr-13 19:35:49

This original incident - you say your DS was hit, bitten etc. for 3 hours and no-one did anything?

Were you there? If you were, why didnt you stop it?

If you weren't there, how do you know all this hitting, biting etc. happened?

thecatfromjapan Sun 21-Apr-13 19:30:40

Good luck. I didn't do Woodcraft Folk with mine but I really wish I had. It provides a social circle for parents too.

As I think you probably can guess from my earlier post, I agree with DayShiftDoris. Now that I've remembered who you are, I really agree with her, and think you're doing the right thing moving away from this situation. You (all of you) just do not need this stress. You'll do just fine without it.

How are you all getting along? (Apart from this?) I hope things are getting easier.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:21:02

I think people are forgetting this happened two years ago, since then we have massively limited our time with this child and his mother, however sometimes (about 3 times) we have had social gatherings together and each time, her son has attacked our child and the mother has done nothing.

It was only this week that ive found out that she has harboured a grude for this length if time.

My ds does NOT goad this child in anyway, the child hit ds who was playing with A, the child went over and attacked ds, he did nothing to warrant this.

After speaking to a friend today, I have send X mum a message saying that our friendship is over, that I need to protect my son. She has not responded to this.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:11:00

No I didn't say it, as we did not know, ds only got diagnosed a few moths back, as he took a meltdown, when the ambulance and fire service visited the school, he was lashing out at ds2 cries, we didn't connect then both together, now ds has a corner in our house which he sits on when Henry's a flashback and we talk or just cuddle him through it, since he has been in play therapy, the hitting has stopped.

Due to that thread me and dh went on parenting classes and dh seen, through a third party that he was allowing ds1 to get away with more than ds2. We are working on this, its not that dh favours one child over the other he just has more common things with ds1, ie both are sport obsessed, both love cycling, swimming etc... While ds2 loves singing, dancing, etc... Dh plays a massive part in ds2 activities and is even in a play as the big bad wolf with ds2.

We are not a perfect family, we have issues, as most families do.

Ds hasn't received mixed messages, him dealing with PTSD, in seeing his brother and father beig set on fire, made him lash out, he is too young to communicate with us, in terms of telling us his flashbacks, but with help we are dealing with this. He did see a play therapist at the time, however he was signed off, as he appeared to cope. In reality he was bottling it all up.

dayshiftdoris Sun 21-Apr-13 18:33:52

Why, Why, Why are you putting your child in this ridiculous situation?

There are plenty of places / group / people who will welcome your children WITHOUT this going on in the background. It is not a good situation for anyone, least of all the children.

Bottom line is Child X had a serious injury inflicted by your son and thus its no surprise that he lashes out first.

And I can say all of this with confidence because I have been in exactly the situation you are in - my son hurt a child causing an A&E visit for an x-ray (badly bruised thankfully).
This was part of a group who I was friends with but after a number of incidents like you describe I walked away and stuck with people and places where my son would get positive reinforcement.

My son now exists in a world where he is tolerated and loved... his self esteem and behaviour has improved as result. He still has challenging behaviour but he's learning... he would never have learnt in the circle you describe.

Your DS is receiving such mixed messages about hitting and violence.

You say he never needs to hit, he just walks away. But he's belted your other DS often enough.

I'd be inclined to distance yourself from the friend and her son, avoid social gatherings and playdates and take a consistent approach with your DS regarding what is acceptable behaviour - whether that it towards your other DC or any other person.

landofsoapandglory Sun 21-Apr-13 13:42:11

That's not what you said on the thread Altinkum!

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 21-Apr-13 13:33:22

How can you be absolutely certain your ds only hits one other person ie your ds2?

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 21-Apr-13 13:17:40

I think you need to get some new friends and don't let your ds play unsupervised for the time being. Not because he's done anything wrong but you need to be there to monutor what's going on. If the other mother hasn't got over an incident 3? 4? years ago she's not going to do it now. If she was that upset about it she could have stopped her ds playing with yours years ago.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 13:09:26

Yes ds1 was hitting ds2, he is receiving counselling for PTSD, ds only hit ds2, no one else, as that was because ds had at the time in diagnosed PTSD. Ds2 would do things that triggered flashbacks and ds didn't know how to handle them so lashed out.

Me and dh went to parenting classes, and we got told we are way to strict, so measures have been put in place.

As for the hitting, ds does not hit, (hes only hit this child once 2 years ago) dh is so feb up with the situation he told me he wanted to tell ds to hit back, not ds.

At the hitting incident it was two years ago ds was 4, was upset, yes he hit back, but he hit back after being bitten, punched, kicked, not allowed to play with toys, the mum telling my ds to play nice, stop telling takes etc.... I don't agree what ds done, but I wasn't goin to tell my 4 year old massively off, after he was goaded so much and no adults were doing anything about it.

What 4 year old wouldnt lash out after being physically and emotionally attacked for 3 hours and an adult allowing it to happen.

Since that day ds hasn't hitten another child, yes ds2, but that's completely different due to the PTSD, and ds was triggering his flashbacks. Since counselling started ds now puts his scary memories on paper.

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