To think she's a idiot.

(58 Posts)
Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:22:05

About 2 years ago, a mutual friend took my eldest for a group play date (both were 4-5ish) her son is a hitter and a bitter.

On the play date her son hit my ds and unfortunetly my ds had a toy Hoover in his hand, and hit the son. Apparently this caused the child to have internal bleeding in his ear.
We apologised profoundly but didn't chastise ds, other than to say he should NOT hit with a object.

Normally we would say, tell x, never hit back etc but this child, however after numerous biting incidents, and hitting incidents dh told ds to hit back.

Anyway that was two years ago.

We can't separate the boys as they are in the same class at school and also play in the same grouping friends but me as dh do keep a eye on them when together.

Last week as a friends house ds and another friends child (A) was playing football and and X child didn't want to play, but wanted to play with A, who didn't want to play the game X wanted.

With that X went up to ds and kicked and pursued him over, ds started crying as he grazed his hand (boys are not 7 now).

X mum just sat their saying nothing, while I cleaned up but did go outside to tell A he had to play X game. hmm

I should state, that their was 5 other children present who were playing tig, skipping ropes etc.... So not as if X was alone.

When I came back everyone was quiet and looked puzzled but injust left it.

On Friday I find out that X mum will never tell her child off, because she will never get over that "the little shit gave her son internal bleeding and as far as she's concerned he can hit away"

My ds does not hit, in all this time he has hit once child, which was hers, he's not a angel he is a stroppy little mite, but he gets along with everyone, and he's never really been in a situation where he needs to hit, as he just walks away.

I'm furious and can't even look at the friend, ds says when x hits him he always tells the teacher, or us, which he does.

So I'm now torn what to tell ds, do we tell him to continue telling a adult or tell him to hit back.

Her son knows he can hit out child, and nothing will be done to him.

I see her everyday at the school and currently I can't even look at her, I find her whole attuide vile.

There is more to this but ie kept it short.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-13 11:15:31

This sort of thing drives me mental

Why are so many people nowadays (and it does seem to be nowadays) afraid to stick up for their own kids?

It is ok to tell someone else's child off! If they've hurt your child and their parents have said nothing. Even if the parents have said something, it's ok to agree with said parent so the child knows you're both onto him/her.

Quite why we seem to live in a society where more and more people are willing to stand there and see their own kids hurt repeatedly, rather than risk upsetting the parents by telling the child off is beyond me.

I couldn't look my kids in the eye if I put someone else's friendship/feelings above their safety.

Please grow a backbone and tell the child off yourself.

ObiWankenYoni Sun 21-Apr-13 11:31:44

I'd be printing this off and showing her

She needs to see how flipping stupid she is!

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 21-Apr-13 11:42:02

I find this quite scary. I thought you were talking about toddlers, not 7 year olds shock.

All this hitting each other and being encouraged to hit people back is really dangerous. In a few years they'll be able to inflict serious damage on other people.

thecatfromjapan Sun 21-Apr-13 11:45:12

The internal bleeding sounds serious. Is she sure about that?? Or does she mean there was a cut on his inner ear? Internal bleeding means some kind of brain injury???? Does it??? In that case, I reckon you'd still be apologising now, and you'd have heard about it way before now. As would everyone else in your son's class!

OK, so 7 is too old to be just hitting and biting. That's toddler behaviour, and they're not toddlers.

Forget about school - if the boy behaves like that in school, the school will sort it out pretty quickly. So just make sure your son is reporting it to school or you, so that you can talk to his teacher.

With regard to your friend - just don't leave them alone together. If there is a group get together, in her house, just keep checking back. If an incident occurs, stare pointedly at her and let a silence make it an issue.

Don't send him for unattended playdates at this boys - it's pointless.

If there are group get togethers that are more about adult sociability, arrange for your son to be elsewhere. don't bring him.

Be prepared to lose the friendship. You can talk to her about it first, but I doubt you'll get anywhere. So just be prepared to drop the friendship. You'll survive. Your friendship with the others will survive. Life is all about change. It's just a change and everyone will shuffle around to accommodate it.

Frankly, if her child is hitting and biting at 7, there is other stuff going on, possibly that you don't know about, so don't assume it's all about your son and you.

thecatfromjapan Sun 21-Apr-13 11:47:11

Also, I'd start the children in something like scouts or woodcraft folk. they are very good with group ethics, and the whole business of dealing with others responsibly, respectfully, without hitting - and expecting that sort of behaviour back again. They really are good ways to socialise your children.

HollyBerryBush Sun 21-Apr-13 11:47:42

The reason we didn't tell ds off was because he was goaded and pulled so much that day we thought it was unfair.

You are giving the message that it is acceptable to lose your temper if provoked enough. Would you accept that as an excuse if you were assaulted?

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 21-Apr-13 11:52:22

I agree with HollyBerryBush

That's a terrible message to send your ds. I have two ds and I can't remember them ever hitting anybody provoked or otherwise. It's not typical behaviour and your DH is an idiot for teaching your ds to hit, whatever the circumstances.

landofsoapandglory Sun 21-Apr-13 12:01:58

Didn't you post that your DS1 was always hitting DS2, and your DH was letting him get away with it because he was his blue eyed boy? maybe DS1 isn't as innocent as you think!

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 13:09:26

Yes ds1 was hitting ds2, he is receiving counselling for PTSD, ds only hit ds2, no one else, as that was because ds had at the time in diagnosed PTSD. Ds2 would do things that triggered flashbacks and ds didn't know how to handle them so lashed out.

Me and dh went to parenting classes, and we got told we are way to strict, so measures have been put in place.

As for the hitting, ds does not hit, (hes only hit this child once 2 years ago) dh is so feb up with the situation he told me he wanted to tell ds to hit back, not ds.

At the hitting incident it was two years ago ds was 4, was upset, yes he hit back, but he hit back after being bitten, punched, kicked, not allowed to play with toys, the mum telling my ds to play nice, stop telling takes etc.... I don't agree what ds done, but I wasn't goin to tell my 4 year old massively off, after he was goaded so much and no adults were doing anything about it.

What 4 year old wouldnt lash out after being physically and emotionally attacked for 3 hours and an adult allowing it to happen.

Since that day ds hasn't hitten another child, yes ds2, but that's completely different due to the PTSD, and ds was triggering his flashbacks. Since counselling started ds now puts his scary memories on paper.

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 21-Apr-13 13:17:40

I think you need to get some new friends and don't let your ds play unsupervised for the time being. Not because he's done anything wrong but you need to be there to monutor what's going on. If the other mother hasn't got over an incident 3? 4? years ago she's not going to do it now. If she was that upset about it she could have stopped her ds playing with yours years ago.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 21-Apr-13 13:33:22

How can you be absolutely certain your ds only hits one other person ie your ds2?

landofsoapandglory Sun 21-Apr-13 13:42:11

That's not what you said on the thread Altinkum!

Your DS is receiving such mixed messages about hitting and violence.

You say he never needs to hit, he just walks away. But he's belted your other DS often enough.

I'd be inclined to distance yourself from the friend and her son, avoid social gatherings and playdates and take a consistent approach with your DS regarding what is acceptable behaviour - whether that it towards your other DC or any other person.

dayshiftdoris Sun 21-Apr-13 18:33:52

Why, Why, Why are you putting your child in this ridiculous situation?

There are plenty of places / group / people who will welcome your children WITHOUT this going on in the background. It is not a good situation for anyone, least of all the children.

Bottom line is Child X had a serious injury inflicted by your son and thus its no surprise that he lashes out first.

And I can say all of this with confidence because I have been in exactly the situation you are in - my son hurt a child causing an A&E visit for an x-ray (badly bruised thankfully).
This was part of a group who I was friends with but after a number of incidents like you describe I walked away and stuck with people and places where my son would get positive reinforcement.

My son now exists in a world where he is tolerated and loved... his self esteem and behaviour has improved as result. He still has challenging behaviour but he's learning... he would never have learnt in the circle you describe.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:11:00

No I didn't say it, as we did not know, ds only got diagnosed a few moths back, as he took a meltdown, when the ambulance and fire service visited the school, he was lashing out at ds2 cries, we didn't connect then both together, now ds has a corner in our house which he sits on when Henry's a flashback and we talk or just cuddle him through it, since he has been in play therapy, the hitting has stopped.

Due to that thread me and dh went on parenting classes and dh seen, through a third party that he was allowing ds1 to get away with more than ds2. We are working on this, its not that dh favours one child over the other he just has more common things with ds1, ie both are sport obsessed, both love cycling, swimming etc... While ds2 loves singing, dancing, etc... Dh plays a massive part in ds2 activities and is even in a play as the big bad wolf with ds2.

We are not a perfect family, we have issues, as most families do.

Ds hasn't received mixed messages, him dealing with PTSD, in seeing his brother and father beig set on fire, made him lash out, he is too young to communicate with us, in terms of telling us his flashbacks, but with help we are dealing with this. He did see a play therapist at the time, however he was signed off, as he appeared to cope. In reality he was bottling it all up.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:21:02

I think people are forgetting this happened two years ago, since then we have massively limited our time with this child and his mother, however sometimes (about 3 times) we have had social gatherings together and each time, her son has attacked our child and the mother has done nothing.

It was only this week that ive found out that she has harboured a grude for this length if time.

My ds does NOT goad this child in anyway, the child hit ds who was playing with A, the child went over and attacked ds, he did nothing to warrant this.

After speaking to a friend today, I have send X mum a message saying that our friendship is over, that I need to protect my son. She has not responded to this.

thecatfromjapan Sun 21-Apr-13 19:30:40

Good luck. I didn't do Woodcraft Folk with mine but I really wish I had. It provides a social circle for parents too.

As I think you probably can guess from my earlier post, I agree with DayShiftDoris. Now that I've remembered who you are, I really agree with her, and think you're doing the right thing moving away from this situation. You (all of you) just do not need this stress. You'll do just fine without it.

How are you all getting along? (Apart from this?) I hope things are getting easier.

Salmotrutta Sun 21-Apr-13 19:35:49

This original incident - you say your DS was hit, bitten etc. for 3 hours and no-one did anything?

Were you there? If you were, why didnt you stop it?

If you weren't there, how do you know all this hitting, biting etc. happened?

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:40:32

The cat we are fine, we have our struggles, and it can be difficult, but we are trying to work through them.

Sal, as I said previously the mum took ds for a play date, another friend was there who phoned dh, other friend told us, whatbhas happened, ds came home with bite marks on his back etc...

Dh was at home wth ds2, I was at work.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 19:42:54

X mum agreed with ther friends version and said her son had been horrible and was "tired" this has all been said on previous comments.

Salmotrutta Sun 21-Apr-13 19:49:52

Ah, OK.

I was a bit confused about the sequence of events.

I'd be staying away socially and re-iterating with school that they must be kept separate whenever possible.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wannabestepfordwife Sun 21-Apr-13 19:58:18

Completely agree with worra your ds needs to know that you will always have his back.

By the sounds of it x's behaviour is just going to get more extreme so I wouldn't be surprised if others in your circle start to distance themselves

CombineBananaFister Sun 21-Apr-13 20:12:43

Really feel for you actually, been in that situation with Ds and nephew and it ended pretty badly - I kid you not, attempted to stab him (ds 3.5 ,nephew 5). We now don't see some family as a result of it.
Also think it's not fair to judge you for telling your Ds to hit back, there comes a point when you can no longer watch your child being hurt with only harsh words as discipline which are completely ineffective if their own parents condone it.
Agree with the telling him off publicly and repeatedly especially using the word 'bully' if you have to mix socially, otherwise walk away from mixing with them.
Decent people spend far to much time being polite in these situations and it damages YOUR child who can't understand why you're not sticking up for him. Hope it works out ok.

WorraLiberty Sun 21-Apr-13 22:20:45

since then we have massively limited our time with this child and his mother, however sometimes (about 3 times) we have had social gatherings together and each time, her son has attacked our child and the mother has done nothing.

But nor have you or your DH confused

You're not tackling the child doing the hitting and you're not tackling the parents either.

Nobody in your son's life is doing anything to help him.

Either tackle it or stop putting your son in that situation, it's really not fair.

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