To think she's a idiot.

(58 Posts)
Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:22:05

About 2 years ago, a mutual friend took my eldest for a group play date (both were 4-5ish) her son is a hitter and a bitter.

On the play date her son hit my ds and unfortunetly my ds had a toy Hoover in his hand, and hit the son. Apparently this caused the child to have internal bleeding in his ear.
We apologised profoundly but didn't chastise ds, other than to say he should NOT hit with a object.

Normally we would say, tell x, never hit back etc but this child, however after numerous biting incidents, and hitting incidents dh told ds to hit back.

Anyway that was two years ago.

We can't separate the boys as they are in the same class at school and also play in the same grouping friends but me as dh do keep a eye on them when together.

Last week as a friends house ds and another friends child (A) was playing football and and X child didn't want to play, but wanted to play with A, who didn't want to play the game X wanted.

With that X went up to ds and kicked and pursued him over, ds started crying as he grazed his hand (boys are not 7 now).

X mum just sat their saying nothing, while I cleaned up but did go outside to tell A he had to play X game. hmm

I should state, that their was 5 other children present who were playing tig, skipping ropes etc.... So not as if X was alone.

When I came back everyone was quiet and looked puzzled but injust left it.

On Friday I find out that X mum will never tell her child off, because she will never get over that "the little shit gave her son internal bleeding and as far as she's concerned he can hit away"

My ds does not hit, in all this time he has hit once child, which was hers, he's not a angel he is a stroppy little mite, but he gets along with everyone, and he's never really been in a situation where he needs to hit, as he just walks away.

I'm furious and can't even look at the friend, ds says when x hits him he always tells the teacher, or us, which he does.

So I'm now torn what to tell ds, do we tell him to continue telling a adult or tell him to hit back.

Her son knows he can hit out child, and nothing will be done to him.

I see her everyday at the school and currently I can't even look at her, I find her whole attuide vile.

There is more to this but ie kept it short.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:26:33

X knows ds won't hit back but will tell a adult, he also knows that his mum will do nothing when he hits our son.

I feel as if my son is being put in a situation where he can't win, and I can't stop him playing with his friends, just because X is their.

ObiWankenYoni Sun 21-Apr-13 09:30:16

If this was my son, I'd be confronting the mother

What sort of lesson is she teaching her son?

One day, someone will hit him back. What then? Will it still not be his fault/problem?

schobe Sun 21-Apr-13 09:30:21

HOW is telling him to hit back going to help at all?

Mad idea, honestly.

Surely there is always another adult about, so he doesn't have to rely on his mum who will do nothing? If not then stop letting him be with this boy when the only supervisor is his mother who will do nothing.

I'm a bit confused tbh.

BoundandRebound Sun 21-Apr-13 09:31:18

Been there done that

And honestly I don't know. And I don't have the added guilt of my child ever giving other parent an excuse

At 12 now I have told my son to hit back, same kid since he was 4 but sporadic

If its just your child he targets then that's an issue you should talk to school about, if its all children then the mother will be well aware there's an issue and you should leave it

What do other parents say, is this the boy that "pulls the wings off flies", is this the child that everyone is worried about their own child's safety with or is it just your child there's an issue with

Thumbwitch Sun 21-Apr-13 09:34:53

Not much of a friend, is she.
In your place, I would be keeping them apart as much as possible, and possibly looking at changing schools unless that's severely impractical.

It's only going to get worse...

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:38:05

Sorry I should have stated, we are all good friends, there is 6 of us in total, and all our dh are friends also, and all the children are in the same class (5 of them).

So if we meet up (rarely for me and dh) but it was a big football match last week and we all went to friend A house. I didn't get there till after 3pm as I was at work, and game into this until then dh, was keeping a eye on things.

At the moment ds tells a adult, but dh is now thinking that ds should gt back and twice as hard, to stop this child hitting our ds, he does not hit anyone else in the group (well he does but he gets told off for it) by the parents and his mum.

If I tell her son off, she gets defensive and tells me to not to. I've had words with her in the past but she states boys will be boys.

HollyBerryBush Sun 21-Apr-13 09:38:18

On the play date her son hit my ds and unfortunetly my ds had a toy Hoover in his hand, and hit the son. Apparently this caused the child to have internal bleeding in his ear. We apologised profoundly but didn't chastise ds, other than to say he should NOT hit with a object.

Both as bad as each other really. Your son did another child a serious damage and you gave him a wishy washy don't hit with an object which to me sounds like hitting is ok provided you don't use a weapon.

Now you're complaining because she is as wishy washy as you.

Make new friends is my advice. You both have very different ideas as to what is appropriate parenting.

BoundandRebound Sun 21-Apr-13 09:39:16

Is it just your child he hits?

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:43:22

Yes, she's the mum that everyone knows will be trouble, if her boy isn't there, everyone gets alone fine.

The child hits his father (separated) and he won't punish him. (Kicking, bitting, spitting, punshing) etc...

She has a younger child also who tore my son and another child face, as she attacked them every time she didn't get her own way, both have scars on there faces, which resulted in the other friend having a massive huge falling out, again all these children are in a nursery class.

I can't move school, as ds2 need this school due to his additional needs.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:44:36

Mosty bound yes.

He does hit others but 90% of the time its ds who gets it.

We try not to socialise with them often tbh.

DottyboutDots Sun 21-Apr-13 09:48:36

I'm utterly confused. I've no idea: who hit whom, when and what was done about it. Really but you all sound like you've no idea on how to discipline your children correctly. And 'boys will be boys' makes me shudder.

Why don't you publically say something along the lines of:

"When your son hits my son, will you please chastise him like you do with others. It is not right and you are well aware of it. Otherwise we will not be able to see you socially."

Do it immediately that he son hits yours, and in front of others. Also, tell your DH to grow up, violence is never the answer and your son has hurt this child badly in the past and didn't even get bollocked.

Every time you see her son hit yours LOUDLY proclaim 'Oh DS did X just hit you AGAIN? I'll ask his mummy to tell him to stop it!' DO it every time so she, and every one else understands just how often he is hitting.

Alternatively go with the truth... 'My DS has hit your son once after your son repeatedly hit HIM. I'm sorry he was hurt, but that's a consequence of being allowed to hit others, eventually even the most placid child will hit back. If you want to let your child keep hitting then please don't be surprised when my child finally has enough of being bullied and hits him back again.'

Let her strop, she's an idiot who is teaching her child to be a thug.

Jinty64 Sun 21-Apr-13 09:52:31

I would teach him to push the other boy away whilst shouting at the top of his voice "no, don't hit me, I don't like it."

I think you need to step in and discipline her child if she won't do it. If she is unhappy with this you need to remind her of the incident where, after constant provocation by her child, your ds was forced to defend himself and that you are taking steps to prevent it happening again.

It nothing works then you need to change your friendship groups. Ask the others back to yours but not them and don't go to places they will be at. You have to protect your ds. Could dh speak to the boys dad.

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:52:40

Holly no, as I said there is more to the story, that day anther mother was there, she said ds was getting goaded to the end of his tether, this child wouldn't allow him to play with anything, kept hitting him continually, bit his back, punching him etc.... Ds at the very end ended up hitting him back and it just so happened that he had a Hoover in his hand when he pushed him against a wall and he hit his head, while he was kicking him.

The another mother phoned dh and said we needed to get ds and she needed to speak to him urgently.

X mum agreed he was bein horrible, and that he was "tired" a few days later we then got via Facebook, that her son has "internal bleeding" due to a blow to the head.

The reason we didn't tell ds off was because he was goaded and pulled so much that day we thought it was unfair.

I would separate them as much as possible, this woman sounds positively awful. Cut ties, don't bother with future playdates or visits to or from each other. That way they will only see each other in school, if any trouble between them at school see whether they would move him or your son to a different class.

There is only so much one can take, your son sounds like he's had enough of the little brute!

Altinkum Sun 21-Apr-13 09:58:53

I'm past caring now what people will think of me, she will be getting told in no uncertain terms, that we have been pushed as far as we can and I WILL BE TELLING HER CHILD OFF, irrespective if she likes it or not.

Good idea about the shouting.

The issue is none of them (x parents) disapline a them, they can be lovely children, but they can be equally vile in there behaviours.

We disapline our children, probarlys too much, infact.

auntmargaret Sun 21-Apr-13 10:02:12

To be honest, it sounds like the boys don't like each other, I would stop pushing them into these meetings. When my DD1 was younger, I told her that if anyone gave her a hard time, physically or otherwise, she had to step back and yell at them "Don't bully me". It was very effective.

BoundandRebound Sun 21-Apr-13 10:04:45

What do you mean you haven't been telling this child off before. I think that's a huge mistake, you absolutely should and if she has problems with it then tough

'internal bleeding' could just be bruising you know.

The whole situation sounds exhausting and miserable and quite frankly I'd just avoid her completely and let it be known that you will no longer be socialising at events she is at because of her refusal to discipline her children.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 21-Apr-13 10:09:24

I agree with pp who said to draw attention to it publicly every time.

Discipline child yourself and if she calls you on it just say, I have to protect my son if your not willing to stop your son hitting him I will.

If she brings up the Hoover incident just point out that was years ago and doesn't give her ds carte blanche to hit yours indefinitely.

Personally I wouldn't actually tell your ds to hit him back but I wouldn't punish him for it in these circumstances just a wee talk about the dangers of hitting and what other ways can we think of to solve the problem than hitting.

also yes to telling him to say very loudly EVERY time it happens " don't hit me x I don't like it"

sashh Sun 21-Apr-13 10:27:40

Keep telling your son to keep telling an adult.

Tell the school so they can keep an eye on it.

Start keeping a diary of how often X hits your son.

Inform mum, or maybe let it trickle through the friends' grapevine that not stopping X is a form of neglect. You are possibly very worried about X's emotional development and are thinking more and more about calling SS. I know SS probably won't do a thing.

Remind mum that's only 3 years until her little angel can get a criminal record and if he as much as touches your son after that you will be going to the police. With your diary and photos of any scratches/bruises.

But yes she is an idiot.

Loa Sun 21-Apr-13 10:38:23

Yes she is an idiot.

Express your concerns to your DC teacher/teachers and trust them to deal with it.

Try and avoid them.

If you can't don't let this DC out your sight with your DC for a minute and if he even looks like he is causing an issue step in - be loud and sort the issue out.

If his mother complaims -and I've never had anyone complain to my face it more comaplining under breath which you then call them on - calmly explain what their DC was doing. If she does complain about you telling him off - well point out someone should be and if she was there she should have done it.

headinhands Sun 21-Apr-13 10:56:19

Did you actually hear her say the bit about 'that little shit' etc. the retelling may well have been embellished by the other adults and it may have been more a case of just stating that there has been previous incidents between the two of your ds's. For the sake of the group friendship you have, I think it best to keep stating to your ds that it is not right to hit and to ask him to tell you if he has been hit by anyone. You and your dp both need to be on board for this.

When you are all together, and if the other dc hits your child I would get down to their level and say 'oh you've made <your child> feel sad by hitting him and then make a fuss of your dc. That way you have effectively told him off but haven't given the other parent any cause to get peeved with you. She may well feel embarrassed enough to take more action about it but it will have been dealt with in a way that won't damage your social group, and believe me if you go off on one to her face it will be the end of the group and there's nothing to say it will be her that is left out of the bbq's and so on.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 21-Apr-13 11:13:18

Yes she's an idiot.

I think I would be preparing myself to talk to her directly about it and for the inveitable fall out and impact on the social circle you have.

She needs to understand that letting the kids just beat each other without intervention isn't a solution and will end with someone getting hurt again. You can't condone simply letting your son stand there and take it - would she?

If she doesn't address her sons behaviour then she'll have to accept that him lashing out is always going to run the risk of someone bigger and stronger punching back. It's one thing when they're small, but the older they get the risk of serious damage being done is going to increase. That's just factual and something she's going to have to accept. She clearly doesn't want to hear it and doesn't accept that 'internal bleeding' is a direct consequence of her sons violent behaviour, but lets be honest - it is. Is she really surprised that people defend themselves against violence?

She's been incredibly lucky to have a group of supportive friends who've stuck it out with the sons behaviour till he's 7 tbh, I would put good money on there being incidents in the future where people are backed into a corner and just can't put their children in harms way on purpose anymore.

Saying any of the above to her is going to result in a split in your group, she will be offended and outraged, but I think you need to make your position clear if she won't even try to stop her son. What choice do you have really?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now