to be tempted to advise my ds2 to hit back once and for all?

(45 Posts)
WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 19:26:21

belt this kid!

Of course I won't but I'm a bit at a loss as to what to do next.

Ds2 is 3. The other kid is 3 in July. 9 months apart. He's the child of a good friend.

They don't really get on. They used to clout each other and scream at each other. I've told ds2 to stop and he has.

But this other kid thumps him at every single opportunity. He gets mildly told off by his mother but he just laughs and refuses to say sorry.

I've asked her to watch her ds more closely at drop off and pick up (our older dcs are same age at school), I've rowed with her about it, I've told the kid off myself, caught his hand mid punch and stroked it, saying it's not nice, please stop it. He just lunges for my ds2 again.

The boy is really cute, younger than my ds and everyone in his family finds it faintly amusing. What can they do? He's only a tiny kid and his mother says its only my ds he hits. Which isn't true as I've seen wounds on his brother's face from the little one.

He starts at the same nursery next week and one of his sessions is the same as my ds2. I've asked ds2's session to be moved.

What else can I do? I'm getting pretty cheesed off with it as it's constant attacks.

KareninsGirl Sat 20-Apr-13 20:58:55

Then I would make the school aware for September. They may put the boys in different classes. If it's not a problem at nursery at the moment then I think you should simply cool the friendship so your son doesn't have to put up with this treatment from your friends son.

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 21-Apr-13 07:23:16

Maybe if he's coming your house then next time it happens u step in and admonish the boy in front of her. First sentence being "this has gone on long enough!" And then admonish him to the degree u would if ur own boy. Don't hit him tho obvs. She might get a wake up call then.

I think ur friend is disrespecting you massively. It is also unfortunate that ur boy is following ur bidding and now possibly disbelieving that doing so is beneficial!

Agree all at nursery /school must know. You may have to lose this friendship to acquaintances status tbh. Kids will work out own selves.

Good luck. Feeling for u....

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 21-Apr-13 07:24:04

God there's always one kid isn't there.....?

My rules are you must never ever hit first but if someone hits you you push them away from you ( hit them back).

I would apply this in this situation. You DS has put up with it for long enough and if his mother is being ineffective then you have to manage what you can.

2 and 3 year olds understand big consequences. If he thinks if he hits your ds he might get a big shove back he should hopefully realise it is not worth it.

PurplePidjin Sun 21-Apr-13 07:52:18

Tell your dc to get in his face and shout NO then you need to pick up the hitting dc and take him to his mother, no matter what she's doing or who she's talking to, and say "Your child hit mine. You need to supervise him properly" then walk away and make a big fuss of your dc. Every single time. Embarrass her. Be loud, let your inner tiger out - you wouldn't accept it for ds3, why does ds2 have to accept it just because he used to do it? He doesn't now because you taught him, don't let this woman and her attitude undo your hard work.

Oh, and if she has that little respect for your ds, she's no friend...

EmmelineGoulden Sun 21-Apr-13 10:17:05

If she's harder on her ds when he hits other children could it be that she's letting it go now with your ds because of the history between them? You said earlier that your ds used to hit hers, and he's younger than her ds and when you\ve broached the hitting she responds that he's hurt her ds lots so it sounds like she might hold a bit of a grudge there. Possibly she took the tack you are currently considering and encouraged her ds to stand up to yours a bit more and doesn't want to go back on that even though yours is no longer hitting (maybe she's even secretly a bit pleased thinking your ds is getting his just deserts).

Possibly nursery is a good place to tackle this. Our nursery dealt pretty well with a child who was hitting one of my dcs - teaching my dc non hitting strategies to confront the attacker and stand up for himself and being firm with the attacker that it is unnaceptable. I think the fact it was in a group setting with consistant input from authority figures (teacher and TAs) really helped it be effective for both of them.

Otherwise I think the answer is to keep them well apart. You've talked to her and you clearly aren't going to change her parenting style. I'm not against kids hitting back in self-defence but your ds is a bit young to understand the nuances of what self-defence is appropriate. So keep them apart (which means keep apart from your friend when the ds are with you) and in another year they will probably see each other in a different light.

extremepie Sun 21-Apr-13 10:20:54

I was in a similar position with a friend and her DS.

Her DS was 3, my DS2 was 5 and much bigger than him but has ASD and is non verbal so couldn't tell anyone what this other child was doing to him .

I witnessed her DS strangling, punching, kicking and getting DS in a headlock - it made me rage but there wasn't really much I could do apart from separate them or watch them like a hawk.

Eventually DS did start getting fed up and keeping his distance from him. I saw him push her DS back once and after that I think he realised he wasn't going to get away with it anymore and stopped.

Interestingly enough, this child never touched DS1, who is NT and fully capable of defending himself smile

ChippingInLovesSpring Sun 21-Apr-13 10:32:45

Seeing as you are 'such good friends' I would tell her DS off in no uncertain terms - I wouldn't hold back. If he cries, he cries... life's tough. If she says anything I would simply say 'I thought he might take more notice coming from me as he pays no attention to you and my DS is fed up of being hit all the time <shrug>'

WinkyWinkola Sun 21-Apr-13 12:54:31

Yes I think I will be sterner with her ds. And I will make a fuss again even if it does look shite in public. Tough.

I suspect she does think it's just desserts actually as she believes my ds taught hers all he knows about aggression and violence. hmm

Ledkr Sun 21-Apr-13 13:06:29

I fell out with my friend over her sons constant bullying of my daughter.
Said friend never corrected him and he was five years older.
The boy is now a prolific offender and has a drug habit.

landrover Sun 21-Apr-13 13:28:41

I would leave them in the same nursery session and let the nursery staff deal with it (which they will!). They are used to dealing with these situations im sure and will knock it on the head, hopefully sorted for you xxxx

landrover Sun 21-Apr-13 13:31:57

Sorry, should have been more clear, i dont mean dumping the prob on to somebody else! but when the child is away from mum and having to behave it will probably make all the difference!

DrCoconut Sun 21-Apr-13 22:48:45

DS1was in the nursery class and another boy was a pain. The last straw was when this kid went round at the Christmas party taking the Santa presents off everyone. DS saw red and thumped him. End of problem. I wouldn't encourage hitting but sometimes it is the easiest and least problematic way of solving these issues.

Spice17 Mon 22-Apr-13 08:11:42

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere you're a childminder advocating a child 'walloping' another one? Christ.

WinkyWinkola Mon 22-Apr-13 15:23:11

So the child started today. He stamped on another child's foot for no reason. Got told off by the mother of that child a d he burst into tears. His mother was comforting him without realising why he was crying. When she was quickly told why he was crying she said nothing to the mother whose child was also howling because his foot hurt.

She never apologises. Makes me angry

So I guess nursery will knock him into shape. Meanwhile I will avoid both mother and child where ever possible.

ryanboy Mon 22-Apr-13 15:34:14

'This has been going on for almost a year now. My ds used to retaliate but I've told him not to and he stopped '
but your DS is 9 months older than the other child who is still 2 yrs old!! If the little one has been used to engaging in walloping matches with your DS, it's going to take him longer to realise the rules of engagement have changed because he is much younger!!
Tell your DS just to keep away from him! Don't fall out with the parent because the boys will most likely be the best of pals next week and it will be so awkward!

DoYonisHangLow Mon 22-Apr-13 15:52:22

I have to say, I do disagree with most posters on here.

If the children in question were 5/6/7 then es, but aged 2, really?!

The problem is shoddy ineffectual parenting on behalf of your friend but ultimately 2yo is still a baby and telling a 3yo to hit back is equally shoddy parenting IMO.

I would certainly intervene as you have decided to, but in a kind, gentle way. 'No hitty child, you can't hit DS, that's unkind' as many times as it needs saying. It be utterly pissed off with your friend too and would take a step back for my own mental health. This is not your friend's DS's fault, it is her fault and advocating hitting back at this age is ludicrous.

WinkyWinkola Mon 22-Apr-13 16:40:35

I don't blame the child obviously. And my problem is with the parent. My ds stopped all the hitting not just because he's older but also because he was taught it is the wrong thing to do. Plus I never let him out of my sight in case he is making mischief.

As for keeping away from the child, that's what we're doing except the child chases my ds around, trying to hit him at both drop off and pick up of my older dcs. It's tricky with an 8 month baby to manage too.

DigestivesWithCheese Tue 23-Apr-13 12:13:29

My DS was a hitter at around the same age blush. There was a particular child he always used to go for (the son of a friend ) & I was so embarrassed by his behaviour. He was told off and given time out every time but it didn't make much difference.

The other boy had a lovely gentle personality. I would have loved him to hit my DS back but it wasn't in his nature. One afternoon he did push my DS back & knocked him over. The other boy was big for his age and could easily have defended himself earlier, he was just too placid and nice to retaliate before that day. My DS was very subdued afterwards & II was secretly delighted grin. Strangely enough,, DS never hit his friend again and they are still good friends six years later.

My DS no longer has a violent streak (it seemed to stop around the time he started school). I honestly kept a close eye on him and really told him off/took him home if he did it etc. but nothing seemed to stop him. I also have other children who don't hit, I don't know why DS1 was like that.

I am amazed - and very grateful - that the other mum stayed friends with us and didn't hold it against my DS. He really was a pain when he was a toddler.

MarthasHarbour Tue 23-Apr-13 13:07:58

digestives i dont think there is any other way you could have handled it. The problem with my 'friend' was that she used to say she was sorry but didnt look it, and didnt really tell her DS off IYKWIM. I was more insulted by the fact that it didnt appear to bother her that much that her DS was hurting mine. If i could see that she was showing DS that it was wrong then it would have been happier. My DS is like your friend's boy, and just wouldnt hit back.

Pleased to hear your boys are still good friends smile

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