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to be tempted to advise my ds2 to hit back once and for all?

(45 Posts)
WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 19:26:21

belt this kid!

Of course I won't but I'm a bit at a loss as to what to do next.

Ds2 is 3. The other kid is 3 in July. 9 months apart. He's the child of a good friend.

They don't really get on. They used to clout each other and scream at each other. I've told ds2 to stop and he has.

But this other kid thumps him at every single opportunity. He gets mildly told off by his mother but he just laughs and refuses to say sorry.

I've asked her to watch her ds more closely at drop off and pick up (our older dcs are same age at school), I've rowed with her about it, I've told the kid off myself, caught his hand mid punch and stroked it, saying it's not nice, please stop it. He just lunges for my ds2 again.

The boy is really cute, younger than my ds and everyone in his family finds it faintly amusing. What can they do? He's only a tiny kid and his mother says its only my ds he hits. Which isn't true as I've seen wounds on his brother's face from the little one.

He starts at the same nursery next week and one of his sessions is the same as my ds2. I've asked ds2's session to be moved.

What else can I do? I'm getting pretty cheesed off with it as it's constant attacks.

Watching with interest as my charges friend does this to her constantly but no other child apparently and nothing seems to be working.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 20-Apr-13 19:32:06

Tell your DC to wallop him back! Why should he not be allowed to defend himself? All this walking away stuff - bollocks. Whack him back!

I childmind a younger child who is an absolute nightmare when it comes to hitting and pushing and pulling hair. I tell him over and over and over not to do it, and I am working with the parents to get this behaviour to stop. But it continues. I am hoping that one of the other kids will relatiate and make him realise that he has to stop!! I cannot advocate it, though, with the kids I care for. But in your case, OP, I most certainly do.

Wishiwasanheiress Sat 20-Apr-13 19:34:51

How good a friend? Is it someone u can sit down with and say this situation seriously bothers us. It is not amusing to us. The behaviour is causing harm to our friendship?

It sounds as if maybe she's not hearing u, now could be she also has no idea what to do but if one of my friends felt they had to ask a nursery to keep our kids apart I'd want to know about it. There's a line and the boys well passed that I think?

Wishiwasanheiress Sat 20-Apr-13 19:36:52

I also agree one good wallop can be enough to cease it. Maybe he thinks as that won't happen it's funny? Did myself once to a bully. Worked a charm.

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 19:54:11

Well, my friend has been a good friend.

She claims my ds has hurt her child just as much and she's not made a fuss. I think her boy is a bit of a Baby Jesus and can do no wrong. He's her youngest.

When we rowed about it, I said I was sure my ds had hurt hers in the past and I have apologised for that but also that I was and still am on it. I really tell my ds off, take toys away, make him say sorry etc. hence he doesn't do it anymore.

Unfortunately, I told her this in a red mist at school and she was furious I'd made her look like a shite parent in public. She's very popular, lots of friends at school so she's alway chatting rather than watching her ds.

It's also now where my ds is howling in pain from each clout and she will roll her eyes as if it's so annoying he's howling in pain.

To his credit, my ds doesn't hit back anymore. Perhaps I should say he can give him one big wallop and tell the mother her ds has been asking for it and nothing else has worked.

I haven't explained to the nursery why I've moved sessions. I don't want to be the accusing whiny parent but I'm kind of hoping it will emerge that it's not just my ds this kid hits.

He tried to hit my 7 month old ds3 today at a party. I think I would really lose my temper if he managed that.

So you think I should let ds2 'defend' himself?

SilveryMoon Sat 20-Apr-13 19:57:52

I tell my ds's to hit back if someone is hurting them and aren't being told off.
They hit each other back, which is a bit different but for other children, I tell them to hit back if the child didn't say sorry or hasn't been told off.
Especially if it's the same child again and again.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sat 20-Apr-13 20:00:27

Yes, of course. Give your child permission to look after himself! Attacking is quite different from defending.

KareninsGirl Sat 20-Apr-13 20:02:28

They are 3 years old. I would be sitting down and speaking with the mother, not encouraging a toddler that hitting is right.

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 20:03:52

I've already done that though.

KareninsGirl Sat 20-Apr-13 20:09:48

Then it may be time to cool the friendship. I had to do this when DD was small for similar reasons and the mum wouldn't listen. It shows a disregard of your feelings, and your child's feelings.

Do you really want your son to have to put up with/normalise the behaviour of your friend's child?

Wishiwasanheiress Sat 20-Apr-13 20:11:09

Hang on here this shouldn't read 'defend' its actual self defence proper! Why not encourage him to use his own ability to read a situation? Your not encouraging him to wallop him for nothing but if he's hurt him then yes he can shout oi stop that! Or belt him or his own idea.

Try karate lessons etc as this situation sounds confidence sapping.... Good luck

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 20:12:26

Sure but they see each other every am and pm at school.

candr Sat 20-Apr-13 20:12:28

Tell your friend that your DS has had enough and you will no longer insist he does not retaliate so if hers gets walloped then she is not to come moaning to you. However if she chooses to tell her DS not to hit then you will remind yours the same thing. How much should yours put up with ? sounds like her DS thinks your chldren are a pushover hence going for your baby!

TheChaoGoesMu Sat 20-Apr-13 20:16:32

I always used to tell dd not to hit back, go and tell a teacher etc etc. She was getting picked on at school and I was constantly down the school trying to get it sorted with the teacher. It didn't stop though and in the end I told dd to hit said child back if it happened again. Dd did, I happened to accidently witness it as I was walking away from the playground. It was rather spectacular from my quiet shy dd. Anyway, the child never did it again. Weirdly, they have ended up being friends.

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 20:32:26

Candr, she does tell him not to hit. He just smirks. I've had enough as well. I mean how scary is it for a kid to be hit and the adults around can do nothing to stop it from happening. I'm not keeping my boy safe even around me. Seriously cheesed off about it.

KareninsGirl Sat 20-Apr-13 20:33:25

It's slightly different if an older child has to hit back after extensive bullying at school: they are more mature and are more able to rationalise the context of their hit being defensive.

A toddler may not be able to do this and therefore might start hitting other children if they feel unable to handle situations with other children.

Whilst I understand it's hard if the two boys see one another every day, I feel it might be best to approach the teachers and make sure they are aware of what is going on. In these circumstances they can also speak to your friend's DS, this reinforcing the message your friend seems unable to grasp...that hitting is wrong.

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 20:36:52

Is self defence wrong?

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 20:37:36

This has been going on for almost a year now. My ds used to retaliate but I've told him not to and he stopped he just screams in pain now.

KareninsGirl Sat 20-Apr-13 20:41:37

Of course self defence isn't wrong but encouraging a 3 year old to hit back instead of exploring other options, such as restorative justice via tge school, is teaching him that it's right to hit. I am not suggesting that there aren't circumstances that a one off hit is appropriate but I think you need to look to the school for guidance first.

KareninsGirl Sat 20-Apr-13 20:42:50

If it's been going on for a year, why haven't the school intervened?

MarthasHarbour Sat 20-Apr-13 20:43:44

I just want to show some solidarity. I have recently cooled off a friendship because of this. She is rather smug about her PFB and is a bit 'right on' in terms of discipline. ie after her DS belted mine she took him to one side and had a discussion about anger management (this was when he was 18mo!). My DS is almost 4 and cries when anyone hits him, he wont fight back. I am at a loss as i dont want to encourage him to hit back but also dont want him to be a doormat.

No advice really, i copped out of the situation by just taking a massive step back from her and only see them at occasional birthday parties. However DS starts school in Sept so is going to be faced with this on a more regular basis (he wont be going to the same school as the other child thank gawd).

thanks

maddening Sat 20-Apr-13 20:47:17

Can you keep them apart at pick up if this is their only contact?

ClartyCarol Sat 20-Apr-13 20:51:47

I agree with pp that your poor ds is probably too young to take on board that he has special dispensation to hit this other child, as a one off, but he's not to hit any other children because hitting is wrong etc etc.

In your shoes I would watch my ds like a hawk, as soon as Hitty Boy approached I would be straight in there, if Hitty tried to lash out I'd scoop my ds up and roar give him what for NO, YOU DO NOT HIT [DS] !!!! I admire your previous restraint, but time to get tough because it doesn't seem like you'll get any support from his mother.

WinkyWinkola Sat 20-Apr-13 20:55:59

Ds3 is at the school nursery. They accept rising 3s. This younger boy is 3 in June so he starts there this term so it's not been a problem for the school to deal with so far.

Another friend said this child hit her ds. Same age. It happened at the home of the hitting child. His mother picked him up, smacked his bottom and sat him on the step.

I was amazed to hear that's she only ever gives gentle admonishment when he hits my ds. Perhaps she doesn't respect me either.

Our older children are very good even best friends though.

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