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To think a one y/o wont 'know' someone after 18 hours max in 3 months

(19 Posts)

I honestly don't know, CloudSurfer.

All I see here is a man who will drop your son without a moment's thought when it suits him to do so (maybe for a girlfriend, holiday, night at the pub, whatever). His current interest seems to spring more from being at a loose end (girlfriendless) rather than any desire to be a father. And so I feel it would be damaging for your son to ever have any expectations, however low, of this unreliable man.

I guess what set my radar off is that he said "he "wont take no for an answer."" No, he has no right whatsoever to make demands. You are your son's primary carer, you know what he needs and how to take care of him. Your ex knows nowt.

I guess I think you should stand up to your ex. It is for you to not take no for an answer. He has to prove himself as capable of caring for your son. He has to show willingness to engage, not just to sit in the same room as DS. If he won't do that, then he doesn't get to have DS alone. He is not a toy, he is a responsibility, and your ex has to prove that he takes that responsibility seriously. By learning how to comfort him, to change his nappy, to feed him, to keep him safe, to interact with him. And if he's not going to do that, then I think you have to be prepared to tell him that he doesn't get DS alone. You need to tell him that he damned well has to take no for an answer until such time as he proves himself capable.

CloudSurfer Sun 21-Apr-13 00:29:40

What do you think I should do?

Have you considered how your son might feel, growing up knowing he will always be lower in his dad's priorities than his dad's random girlfriends? That the relationship is completely dependent on whether or not 'the next girlfriend' likes children? How insecure that could make him feel? How it will affect how he forms relationships in his adulthood?

And two hours a week will not form a bond between them, particularly when the adult chooses not to engage with the child for the short amount of time that they are together ( " sitting there either silent or making random comments such as "you're too noisy" every so often." )

I really don't see what your son is going to get out of this.

CloudSurfer Sat 20-Apr-13 23:05:26

By great, I mean it's a lot better for him to know his dad in the long run, even if he doesn't get his act together it's better to know him enough to not have unrealistic expectations.

It could last, I think a lot will depend on whether the next girlfriend likes children or not, but it might be easier if he builds a bond now-which I'm not sure 2 hours a week will do confused

"My DS's dad has broken up with his latest girlfriend and decided he wants to make time to get to know our son now. This is great, and hopefully it will last,"
Sorry sad, but it is clearly not great and I think we both know that it won't last.

Why does he SAY he wants to get to know his son, when his actions so clearly say he doesn't? Seriously, your son was crying and he just "either doesn't know what to do, or can't be bothered, as he was sitting there either silent or making random comments such as "you're too noisy" every so often."

"He said he will come to see him every sunday for 2 hours, except 3 weeks when he is on holiday. He then said at one he "wont take no for an answer.""
Two hours? Well, that's big of him! I spent more time than that learning to drive. And what the hell is it will the 'won't take no for an answer'? Your son had to take no for an answer when his biological father had a girlfriend to spen his time upon. angry

mrsjay Sat 20-Apr-13 14:06:23

dad maybe a bit more comfortable chasing after him and playing at a soft play or something similar

mrsjay Sat 20-Apr-13 14:05:42

maybe when the weather is better you could go out with them to the park or something take a book or some of your course work , soft play usually have a baby bit in them away fromt he bigger kids,

CloudSurfer Sat 20-Apr-13 14:03:37

I haven't taken him to a soft play before actually, are they ok for 9 month olds? Did you do a similar 2 hour per week, or did your DD need more time to be ok?
He isn't allowed children in his current shared accomodation so it will have to be trips out not his though.

mrsjay Sat 20-Apr-13 13:58:15

god it must be so difficult for you (hugs) keep doing what you are doing that is the best for your baby

MimmeeBack Sat 20-Apr-13 13:55:30

I had a similar situation with DD, YANBU.

Could you perhaps meet at a soft play centre so that you are more hands off but there if needed. It would allow a little bit more independence. Carry on with that arrangement after his break. Then he could take DS to the soft play on his own for a few weeks so the situation is familiar and he gets used to you not being there. Once DS seems ok with that, his dad could start taking him to his place.

This worked well for us.

CloudSurfer Sat 20-Apr-13 13:52:17

The living room and kitchen are open plan, so I sat at the kitchen table facing side ways doing work for my course, while he was in the living room bit on the sofa for most of the visit. I went to comfort DS if he was really crying for longer than 4-5 minutes, as his dad either doesn't know what to do, or can't be bothered, as he was sitting there either silent or making random comments such as "you're too noisy" every so often.

I could go to the bedroom instead, but that might be a bit counter productive as DS screams as soon as I leave the room at the moment so would just guarantee him crying properly from the start rather than him being just grizzly?

mrsjay Sat 20-Apr-13 13:17:08

Although to be balanced, your son will "get to know" him quicker if you are more hands off during visits.

^ ^ this dont hover about when his dad has him

TarkaTheOtter Sat 20-Apr-13 13:16:09

Although to be balanced, your son will "get to know" him quicker if you are more hands off during visits.

TarkaTheOtter Sat 20-Apr-13 13:14:35

Your ex seems to be thinking about what he wants rather than what will work best for your son. Sounds like he doesn't care how upset your son might get so long as he gets his time.

If tell him you will work towards him spending time alone with your son but it will be dictated by your son's needs first and foremost.

mrsjay Sat 20-Apr-13 13:08:08

yanbu just because he is his dad doesn't mean he can cope alone with a baby let dad get to know the baby and take it from there, he could be the same as before if a new girlfriend arrives on the scene and dump him again sad

noblegiraffe Sat 20-Apr-13 13:06:20

If he starts with the 2 hours a week, and learns how to look after him, then that would be a good starting point to increase contact later.

norfolknic Sat 20-Apr-13 13:05:26

Yanbu, no way is your ds going to want to be left alone with his dad unless the visits are significantlying more. Perhaps after a month or so of visits he could start trlying to take ds for a short walk in his pushchair to see how he reacts?

CloudSurfer Sat 20-Apr-13 13:02:04

Sorry that was meant to read "no problem him going at one if he is ready"

CloudSurfer Sat 20-Apr-13 12:59:14

My DS's dad has broken up with his latest girlfriend and decided he wants to make time to get to know our son now. This is great, and hopefully it will last, but he doesn't seem to have any concept of what being a parent involves. DS is 9 months, and in the past few weeks has started getting separation anxiety, and currently doesn't recognise his dad and was shy and tearful (last saw him at 7 months before yesterday).

His dad said yesterday he wanted to start having him alone, so I said he needed to get to know him to learn how to look after him and for ds be calm alone with him first. He has no experience of children, has never fed him, paid much attention to/comforted him or changed a nappy.
He said he will come to see him every sunday for 2 hours, except 3 weeks when he is on holiday. He then said at one he "wont take no for an answer."

I have no problem with him going for contact alone at 1, or earlier if hes ready, but I really dont think he will be settled with him after so little time even if he does stick to the 2 hours a week.
What would be reasonable contact to ask him to try and do? He lives about 20 minutes away.

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