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or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

(135 Posts)
Amykins35 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:38:27

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

AMykins, you need a bit of a wakeup call. Your partner is horrible, and abusive, and you should be getting rid of him, not allowing him to move in. You also need to do some work on yourself because you seem very ready to accept abuse from men rather than be single.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 23-Apr-13 10:51:28

ah, I have just twigged "who" you are, Amykins35

you partner is a complete and utter cock, but you won't have it

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 23-Apr-13 10:50:23

Amykins, you have just said that it is not your DP's place to hold a grudge. You are absolutely right.

I would also remind you that no relationship comes with guarantees. Most fail. You cannot allow this or any other relationship to come between your DD, her dad and all the really hard work (and I know how much hard work this takes) you have put into establishing an amicable environment where all three of you have moved forward. It's just a shame that your DP isn't on board, but best to find out now, rather than later.sad

Amykins35 Tue 23-Apr-13 10:39:01

Landrover - ex has treated DD and I very badly in the past, which DP knows about. However, I'm over it which is why he and I can be amicable now and don't think it's DPs place to hold a grudge. Fast forward to graduations etc and its DD, ex and I that will be getting on and fine. If DP chooses not be a part of that relationship then he'll ultimately be the one missing out

GoingUpInTheWorld Tue 23-Apr-13 09:45:54

Just a read a previous thread on the 23rd march.

Hmmm sounds a strange relationship to me

flippinada Tue 23-Apr-13 09:09:04

Amykins has posted about her DP before. The man is a complete and utter waste of space - and that's me being generous.

specialmagiclady Tue 23-Apr-13 07:57:17

Fwiw I think the DP's feelings are valid, his behaviour is not. If he is a good man, he will express the feelings in private but not let them get in the way of his SD's relationship with her father.

OP can acknowledge the feelings but is well within her rights to ask him to keep them in a box until they are alone together. Or he can bigger off.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 23:30:18

Good point landrover

landrover Mon 22-Apr-13 23:25:43

This is interesting though, has the op gone on and on about her ex to her her new partner and now he's angry but she has perhaps over egged it to partner?
Maybe she knows ex wasn't so bad but has ranted to new partner so he now hates ex? so maybe new partner isn't entirely to blame but is trying to defend op as best he can? I suspect we are all guilty of "giving our side of the story"

TheCraicDealer Mon 22-Apr-13 23:16:45

I love these threads where the OP posts expecting a crowd of furious nodding and "YANBU, you're so hard done by". Then when mn'er after mn'er goes, "hold the fuck on, this fella's a cock, LTB" they get all defensive because it's all gone a bit too far.

Amy, stop being a div and play it forward. Picture your DD's graduation or wedding. Do you want the event described above where all three of you act in a adult, courteous and thoughtful way, respecting each other and being jointly supportive, or do you want to be in the middle of two warring men who put their own egos above your DD's? Because how you handle this now will have an impact on your dd for the rest of her life.

CastroIsDead Mon 22-Apr-13 23:10:00

well unless they have been kidnapped to another country im sure he could be doing something about it rather than sitting on his insecure arse dictating to the op who she allows in HER house.
there is nothing that would stop me from being with my ds let alone 'all sorts of reasons'
my guess is there will be 1big lousy excuse why he doesn't see them

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 23:04:30

Castro

No idea, it was just a guess, the op hasn't been back to answer why he doesn't see his other children.

Men don't see their children for all sorts of reasons. Just because he doesn't see his own children, that doesn't make him a bad person, I'm sure there will be a big back story to it.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 23:02:10

I havent read any of the ops other threads, so i ve no idea what other things the op has been having trouble with.

CastroIsDead Mon 22-Apr-13 23:01:34

especially one that doesn't even see his own kids.
how can it have been taken out of his hands?

CastroIsDead Mon 22-Apr-13 22:59:20

why would he read it? what a wierd thing to say. are you the dp??
child's feelings come first the situation was as it stands before dp came along he's got no right to change things to make his inadequate little ego feel better.
my ex comes in my house because my ds likes to show him things and also we need to communicate, any man that tried to dictate to me how to parent my child would be getting told where to get off

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:58:39

But yes, let's agree to disagree.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:58:26

The OP has discussed her dp in previous threads. He really doesn't seem like much of a catch.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 22-Apr-13 22:58:25

So you actually believe that grown ups can agree to behave in a adult way as a compromise

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:55:52

This could go on forever.

I think we will agree to disagree

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 22-Apr-13 22:55:48

Someone's preference only needs accounting for if it is reasonable.

Its not reasonable under these circumstances to insist this happens. If you pander to unreasonable people they tend to continue being unreasonable most get worse.

And I cannot believe a pp has said a compromise is not slagging off a child's parent within the child's hearing.

That's not a compromise its called being a grown up,its doing a very minimum basic requirement in adult behaviour.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:55:16

I have no sympathy for control freaks.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:53:38

I feel sorry for the guy

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:52:56

Maybe he will, you're clearly a fan.

GoingUpInTheWorld Mon 22-Apr-13 22:52:04

Hes not isolating her.

Thats an over reaction.

If this dp of ops reads this, i hope he appreciates me fighting his corner.

squoosh Mon 22-Apr-13 22:50:31

Bullshit.

He needs to swallow his prejudices and stop trying to isolate a child from her father.

Clearly you see the child as coming way down the pecking order.

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