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AIBU?

or is DP re: him not wanting me to be amicable with DDs dad?

134 replies

Amykins35 · 19/04/2013 23:38

DP and I have been together for 3.5 years, exH and I separated a few months prior to that when DD was 2. It was awful at first as DD and I had to move out to a hostel, exH was a nightmare etc but for the past couple of years we've been getting on much better and are positively friendly. He has a serious girlfriend and is happy and I'm happy for him, we were only together a short time and mainly for DD - there are no lingering feelings or anything like that. When he collects/returns DD from contact he comes in for usually 20 mins to chat, mainly about what DDs been up to at each house/school as she otherwise she just says she's forgotten. DD is very happy that we get on and likes to show her dad her reading book, school books, pets, bedroom etc. Considering once upon a time he had to drag her off me kicking and screaming every time it's a vast improvement. DP and I don't live together yet but are planning to in the near future. He despises exH despite DP knowing we were never in love, DP being younger, much more attractive etc - no reason to be jealous. He said tonight that when we live together he wants exH to stop coming in altogether. Usually if DP is here exH, DD and I (exH tries to include DP but he usually shuts himself away) still chat but not for as long. I think it's best for DD if she sees exH and I getting on and that it'd be confusing for her if it suddenly stopped, plus I resent him dictating who I can and can't let in the house. I also suspect he is jealous in a way as he and his exW do not communicate at all. AIBU to still let ex in when DP and I live together?

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JumpingJackSprat · 19/04/2013 23:42

Tell dp to wind his neck in, he should not be trying to make things difficult between you and your ex as it will have a negative effect on your daughter. he needs to man up and realise that her needs come way before his jealousy. I would never dream of banning dp's ex from the house especially as all is currently amicable and dss loves it when both his "families" are together at drop off and pick up times.

AgentZigzag · 19/04/2013 23:43

When I started reading your OP I thought he might just have been worried for you knowing how your ex treated you in the past, but I would say (given I don't have any experience of your situation) that your DP would be very unreasonable to sabotage the 'friendship' you've built up with your ex on your DDs behalf.

It's not his call.

If he's in a relationship with you he's in a relationship with your DD, and her dad comes as part of that package.

He should put his feelings aside and do what you've decided is best for your DD.

MagicHouse · 19/04/2013 23:44

I think YABU for not dealing with this situation before moving in with your DP! Sorry if that sounds flippant - of course it's ok for you to chat with your ex for 20 mins, and like you say, good for your DD and great that you have been able to move on. I think it's a bit concerning that your DP is making demands before he has moved in, especially the tone "he wants ex to stop coming in" (what, no discussion??), and it would seriously be making me think twice about it.

olgaga · 19/04/2013 23:44

Quite apart from the fact that this will affect your DD and her happiness, I would run a mile from a man who thought he had any right to lay down the law like this!

I'd think again.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 19/04/2013 23:44

YWBU to let your dp move in while he is dictating who you can and can't have in your house and obviously isn't interested in putting your dd first.

If he does move in you will either have him being in a mood every time your ex comes in or you will have to stop your ex coming in the house and risk upsetting your dd. Neither scenario is great.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/04/2013 23:45

Yanbu.

I wouldn't let someone who attempted to dictate about stuff like that move in with me.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2013 23:46

your dp needs to man up and tone down the ridiculous dickwaving

I see some alarm bells ringing

your ex is part of your past...he cannot erase it, and an amicable relationship is best for any dc

what next ?

cees · 19/04/2013 23:47

Your dp needs to grow up, your not playing at being a grown up you actually are one, ask yourself if you really want to start living with this jealous man child? Don't put him before your child or let him shut her Dad out of her life. He has no right to dictate to you on this matter.

Yanbu

Amykins35 · 19/04/2013 23:50

He really does hate him. I'm not particularly fond of him as he's very selfish and breaks a lot of promises to DD but I owe it to DD to make the best of things and be friendly and polite. DP suggested last time that I could text exH asking him to text when he arrives so I can take DD out to the car thus reducing likelihood of chatting because of the cold...!

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Amykins35 · 19/04/2013 23:53

I think he is also jealous because he loves. DD and wishes she were his. She loves him too, but she isn't his and she makes room for both of them in her life so he needs to make room for exH in my opinion

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qualitytoffee · 19/04/2013 23:54

No, not right one bit.
I would seriously be thinking about letting him move in with you now.
He has NO say regarding your DC and her father.
If he takes a hissy fit, then he can hissy the fuck off, back to his own place

VerySmallSqueak · 19/04/2013 23:56

A relationship on solid grounds will be fine with the inclusion of your ex partner and his new partner.
I don't like the sound of your new partner tbh.

I get on fine with my DH's ex, and her long term partner,and it is a bonus as far as I can see.It has been the case for years.
It shouldn't be a problem if you wish to stay amicable,and it is up to your new partner to accommodate this.Happily.For the sake of your DD.

squoosh · 19/04/2013 23:58

Red flags.

He has no right to dictate to you how you conduct yourself with your daughter's father. You and your ex sound like you've moved past what was a pretty awful time and are now in a healthier place. Altering that would only negatively impact on your daughter.

DP mightn't like that fact that this man is in your life but he is and no amount of laying down the law is going to change the paternity of your little girl.

OutragedFromLeeds · 19/04/2013 23:58

DP is BU.

Your DD comes first and her parents having an amicable relationship is really, really important.

AgentZigzag · 19/04/2013 23:59

The thing about having DC is that you have to try and squash whatever extreme emotions you have to the back of your mind until you can deal with them later on your own, it's not fair to saddle children with adult worries.

Your DDs need for a hassle free relationship with her dad is more important than your DPs feelings about your ex, in this instant.

Your DD would end up trying to pacify your DP and feel guilty about seeing her dad and she shouldn't be conflicted like that.

Amykins35 · 20/04/2013 00:01

ExH's girlfriend won't have anything to do with me but doesn't badmouth me as far as I can tell. I've had to rein DP in for making sarcastic/derogatory comments about exH to DD - it isn't his place IMO.

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qualitytoffee · 20/04/2013 00:03

Well, thats admirable, but its still nothing to do with him.

i'd be more concerned about the fact that he thinks that laying down rules with you before he moves in is acceptable.

Amykins35 · 20/04/2013 00:04

She already does - she tells DP she doesn't want to go because she knows it's what he wants to hear

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squoosh · 20/04/2013 00:05

Poor child, having to keep that jealous man happy by pretending she doesn't want to see her Dad. It must be very stressful for her.

Amykins35 · 20/04/2013 00:08

She isn't that close to her dad to be honest but she's very loyal to him, which is understandable.

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qualitytoffee · 20/04/2013 00:13

And while your LO is placating your grown up child partner, where are you?

Amykins35 · 20/04/2013 00:17

She doesn't just say it to placate him, she would genuinely rather stay home but says it to him more than me as she knows I'm trying to help her improve her relationship with her dad

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CloudsAndTrees · 20/04/2013 00:18

I don't ever say this on MN, but this would be a deal breaker for me. There is no way I could be with a man that came between the two most important people in my children's lives.

My DH found it hard at first that I have such a good relationship with my ex, but he had to suck it up and deal with it if he wanted to be a part of our lives. You and your ex brought a child into the world together and you have a commitment and a responsibility to parent together as long as he's a good Dad. Anyone who can't respect that does not deserve to be involved in your daughters life. My DH and ex get on really well now thanks to the effort that was put in at the beginning from them both, it is do able if the adults put aside their own discomfort and put the children first.

AgentZigzag · 20/04/2013 00:23

'but says it to him more than me as she knows I'm trying to help her improve her relationship with her dad'

If she had genuine feelings that she didn't want to go to her dads, it would be a good thing she felt she could go to your DP with when she didn't want to upset you.

But really, your DP should have an equal measure in 'encouraging' (and I mean that loosely) her to have a good relationship with her dad.

It does make me wonder how much of his dislike of her dad seeps out in everyday life and how much your DD picks up on that.

Amykins35 · 20/04/2013 00:23

When we first got together DP made a big effort to reassure exH he wasn't trying to take his place in DD's life but it was too soon and exH was not receptive at all so DP just thinks he's a cock.

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