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To sabotage my perfect stepson...(118 Posts)
Out of an act of love?
DSS is 16, we have a close and loving relationship, but this doesn't change the fact that he is annoyingly perfect. He is physically gorgeous, talented at art, sport and music, is intellectually genius and surrounds himself with friends as equally good as himself. If I didn't know any better I would swear he was one of those robot kids from A.I.
But,unfortunately, all his natural talents, combined with a strong sense of ambition has turned him into an extreme perfectionist. I'm not talking the ' I spend a little bit extra on things' perfectionist, I'm talking the ' I spelt a word wrong, so I'm going to rub out the whole sentence and do it again' type.
But over the last couple of days his been moping around the house and stressing out, as he got a 87 on a test, and he has never before gotten anything below 90. Yes, you read that right, never anything under 90. They might have well given the poor kid a 0 the way his acting, like the whole worlds going to end.
And I've come to two conclusions; The kid doesn't know how to fail and this behavior can't be healthy.
I tried to approach DH about this last night, but he doesn't seem concerned. DH, bless him, is in no way a pushy parent, but if DSS decided tomorrow to join the circus, DH would stop at nothing and no expense, to see him the lead clown in circus soleil. He's a big believer in reaching your full potential, and not doing things half assed, not seeing in this case he may be doing more harm than good.
So I came up with an evil plan, to start sabotaging DSS work (Not his school work or anything serious obviously, but just things he does for extra curricular activities, ect) every now and then, so he becomes more accustomed to the feeling of failure (or his version of failure, average) and doesn't have a panic attack, like he is right now, every time something even remotely close to failure occurs, because as I've told him many times in the past, he won't go through life without failing and will have to get used to it sooner or later.
So, am I being unreasonable?
* I know I've taken on a joking tone here, mainly because as a long time user (under different name) I know anything involving stepfamiles is a sore subject, but this is a serious issue, I really believe this behavior is unhealthy, and any serious advice would be appreciated.
Secondsop - that's so true. I was one of those who loved being among 'my own kind' at Cambridge and felt very relieved not to be a 'freak' any more!
OP - are you jealous? Your DSS will learn how to handle his perfectionism, probably when he goes to a good uni and discovers that he won't be able to memorise 100% of the syllabus while having a stellar social life and excelling at several extra-curriculars (even the most gifted have to compromise somewhere). He'll adapt and probably still do extremely well. Leave him be and don't interfere.
Genius is an infinite capacity for taking pains. (Thomas Carlyle )
Brene Brown has two really good talks on the TED website - and I know she has information on her website and in her books about perfectionism and shame - which you might find will give you some insight OP.
Is there something he won't be good at that you could get him to try?
I bet it's not that he doesn't know how to fail, but rather that he doesn't like falling short of high standards, because in his eyes 87% is for other people. I think his perfectionist streak is going to stand him in good stead in whatever he chooses to do with his life (and it sounds like the world is his oyster). A couple of us have talked about the adjustment at university when a clever child is no longer necessarily top of the class. Well, there's an even bigger adjustment in the working world in a professional career where the 70% you got in exams to get a First is not good enough and where standards are more exacting because suddenly someone else's money or life is at stake. It sounds like your SS is already working at a level to manage very well indeed when he eventually settles into a career.
I can't help feeling that if he were here his AIBU would be: "'My DSM is great, very loving and I know she cares about me. But I'm finding that we have a difference of opinion in how i go about maximising my potential in life. I always try to be the very best i can be at everything i do and i love thay this is bringing me academic success, great friends and a really fulfilling life, and i admittedly don't like it when i fall short of the high standards i set myself. But she keeps telling me that i won't go through life without failing and will have to get used to it sooner or later. I know she's doing it to help me cope with disappointment when i don't meet my own exacting standards, but it does sometimes feel like she finds my perfectionism annoying and that she might not be taking the same pride in my high achieving as I am because she thinks I need to learn how to fail sometime. I almost feel like she'd sabotage my work to make me see what failure feels like! she doesn't understand that I am determined to excel and that if i fall short, so be it, but when I'm trying hard to be the best I can be it is TBH quite demoralising to keep being told that I WILL fail at something. AIBU to want her to stop trying to make me lower my standards? Or should I just grin and bear it until I go to university in a couple of years?".
Good post secondsop.
Does the OP have her own children who are rather less exceptional than this young man?
And I'm not talking about the kid.
He sounds similar to me. He doesn't need to learn to fail, he already has. You say when he is bad at something he will keep at it until he is satisfied.
He has learnt very well how to deal with failure.
OP, you said: I just don't want him to panic and freak out every time his score falls below 90, even on a test that doesn't count for anything
but that's the point everyone else is trying to make - you have a "it'll do" attitude, but he doesn't want "good enough to get by" he wants the best he can do. As i said, some schools like Westminster make the pupils redo GCSEs they've got A* in if they haven't got a high enough grade - they don't have a "you've passed so that's fine" attitude, they teach about being the best you can be at all times, and the young men they turn out run the country, not the ones who scrapped a pile of Cs and it was ok because they'd passed and as long as you've passed it doesn't matter how.
That's spot on, DontmindifIdo. My best friend resat an A Level Chemistry module she'd got 199/200 in so she could get 200. She duly got full marks the second time. A bit crazy? Maybe. An extremely intelligent, tenacious and successful person? Absolutely. I have nothing but admiration for people who motivate themselves to such high levels of achievement.
I know you were 'joking' but you actually sound quite jealous of him. I'm sure you'll tell me that you're not but it really sounds like it.
He sees losing a board game as a reflection on himself. That is a problem as it shows that he is not doing things for the taking part. I would suggest more luck based board games preferably with his Dad.
you think his behaviour is unhealthy! I don't think I e ever read a thread on MN that has startled me before but this is just wow...
I haven't read the whole thread but assuming you have your own DC, AR you worried he's out Shinning your DC therefore feel the need to sabotage his success?
I work with a high achiever who has serious anxiety & OCD due to his inability to accept imperfection. He should have proceeded further along his career but hasnt because his obsession wth details has prevented him seeing the bigger picture. He has had a breakdown and recieved CBT.
Really? How nasty, spiteful and ODD of you.
Wow the Op is getting a completely unnecessary pasting.
Fear of failure and perfectionism is very hard and will stop people functioning healthily. Sabotage is quite an emotive word but I get what you mean. If you can find anything that he can do not quite perfectly that doesn't matter- and games are a good start, even though you said he doesn't mind losing? Or modelling not being bothered about getting 100% in something, or even going OTT about not getting perfection in something you are doing, to show him that it is an OTT reaction?
I often work with younger children who have such a fear of making mistakes that they won't give anything a go, or the paper will be torn up, or they will run away. we have to push the boundaries but very very gently. We often model "failing" and how to react to it. Your stepson is older so it will be harder to show him this but it is all about tiny steps.
It's not easy, I wish you luck.
Yes Panzee, it's getting a bit nasty, spiteful and ODD.
We don't know what this perfectionism is like to live with though. The OP is describing a situation where the boy is angsting to the extent where she is having to drag him out to the cinema to take his mind off things- which suggests that he is not just quietly getting down to improving his scores with a view to future success, but actually impacting on the whole family.
Having a drama queen in the house myself, I know how hard it is for the rest of the family to get on with developing their own potential when one person's emotions seem to be taking up all the available space.
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