husbands puts adult child before me at my financial expence.

(96 Posts)
littlediamond33 Fri 19-Apr-13 16:02:12

i had to purchase new spectacles for driving.(i drive every day to work, my job also involves me driving children)Therefore they are essential. I was a little short this month (I Work 30 hours a week and i have my own bank account) so asked husband if he could lend me some £. He said he didnt think he had any £ left in his account.(I ended up getting a pay day loan, this is something i havnt had to do b4)That evening he went out and brought his 21yr old daughter (who has her own home and fiance that works)a brand new hoover, yet he told me he didnt have any £. I confronted him, he said "his kids will always come first." I do understand this but at his wifes expence?

Corygal Fri 19-Apr-13 20:02:11

You poor thing! YANBU.

SirBoobAlot Fri 19-Apr-13 20:09:00

You ended up having to take out a loan for glasses?! Jesus. YANBU. What a wanker.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBerryBush Fri 19-Apr-13 20:19:32

Is there an age limit where children cease to be put before spouses?

I'm just curious on that aspect of parenting, because it is oft said on this forum that children come first, often to the expense of a relationship.

When do you cut children free and abandon them? Conversely, when do you switch your allegiances to a partner rather than your children?

if I flipped genders, would this thread even appear if a Mum bought a hoover for her son, and the male partner was complaining? no it wouldn't , he'd be slated for not working a full week and prioritising his medical appointments according to his financial input.

HollyBerryBush Fri 19-Apr-13 20:20:49

FWIW - in my world - spouses come before children. From the day dot.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 20:23:56

OP come back and talk to us!

mrsjay Fri 19-Apr-13 20:24:30

she is a grown woman why is he buying her a hover it isnt an essential unlike your glasses I think you need to have a serious word with him he is being disrespectful to your needs, I could see the point if his dd was starving but a hoover confused

Fairylea Fri 19-Apr-13 20:26:23

Ridiculous having to ask husband for money. All money should be family money. I am a sahm and dh and I have a joint account and everything is shared, we also have equal spending money.

You would have then been able to discuss the fact you needed glasses and agree to pay for these from either some of your joint spending or the household account.

In this particular instance your need for glasses trumps his dds need for a hoover.
Yanbu.

But your finances are all wrong in my opinion. You need to tell him it's wrong and ask to sort it out.

GoblinGranny Fri 19-Apr-13 20:26:58

For me, Trillz put it best:

'It is possible to "put your children first" without prioritising something that is a small thing for them over something that is a large thing for someone else.

If the need is equal, your children come first. If the need is unequal, your children may get a higher weighting but in general the higher need comes first.

I have adult children, we have separate accounts as partners, but a joint one that we both draw on and pay into. It's always been equal, if one of us needs, of course the other steps up.
A hoover is not an essential, a payday loan is a very poor solution to a problem he created.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 20:27:14

Actually Holly I'm not sure i disagree with you over who comes first-child or spouse, especially an adult child. And a Hoover is a luxury item, in a way, it's nice but not a necessity

CloudsAndTrees Fri 19-Apr-13 20:29:04

I don't think you ever abandon children, even when they are adults. There doesn't have to be a competition between spouse and children, according to each of their needs, both come first at times.

More context is needed to decide whether the husband is BU here, I doubt the situation is as simple as the OP suggests.

Viviennemary Fri 19-Apr-13 20:29:29

You are right to be furious. You should not be needing to borrow and pay back from your own husband. This sounds awful. Poor you.

Bowlersarm Fri 19-Apr-13 20:32:49

We need the OP back to add more padding to her situation. Everyone is just conjecturing now.

Cravingdairy Fri 19-Apr-13 20:36:26

We have a joint account and our own separate current accounts. It's not all that outlandish confused. I'm bad with money, and I don't want access to my husband's. Joint purchases we make together, personal items we buy ourselves. It works fine for us. However if there is an urgent need we always pool our resources and neither of us would let the other go without essentials.

hugoagogo Fri 19-Apr-13 20:41:51

Of course the op's dh should have loaned her the money for glasses, if he could and it sounds like he could.

We don't know what else is going on though; why is the op so short of money? she might have wasted it on prada handbags, or have to buy everything for her and her dc from her own wages whilst dh saves his money up or fritters it down the pub-we just don't know so it's hard to judge.

As for the separate finances, that is sort of a red herring, we have separate finances and it suits us.

HollyBerryBush Fri 19-Apr-13 20:46:54

I don't understand the whole his/her money thing - doesn't happen in my world.

"borrowing" from your spouse? That isnt a partnership at all. But if you are going to have this way of allocating money >eye roll< then expect your partner to have different priorities to you.

There is a lot of truth in Neither a borrower nor a lender be - pay your own way.

MarianneM Fri 19-Apr-13 20:48:29

My first thought on reading your post was: of course children always come first, and good on your husband for thinking/saying so!

You work, you need to manage your finances so you can afford such essential things as glasses. Surely you knew that you would need glasses and should have saved money for them? I think your husband has every right to buy things for his daughter. I can't actually believe people think otherwise.

And getting a pay day loan? I'm sorry but this really says it all for me.

Not all couples have joint finances, why should they? We never did until my DH became a SAHP parent and stopped earning.

And the fact that you are moaning here about your husband doing things "at his wife's expence"? I think you resent your husband's relationship with his daughter. I think it is admirable that your husband continues to help and support his daughter. How often it is really not the case!

MortifiedAdams Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:15

Whats wrong with your current spectacles?

Odd that you have to ask for a loan from your dh.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:54

One of my closest friends has separate finances in her relationship. They don't have children together, and it works well for them. They have a wonderful relationship that has been going strong for the last 15 years, and continues to do so.

I don't think it's right to say that separate finances are wrong. Different things work for different couples. Especially if they don't have children, or one does and the other doesn't.

Earthworms Fri 19-Apr-13 20:59:08

Just a thought, but if you need glasses for work, could your employer not pay?

They are legally obliged to pay for specs in some circumstances, dh got his eye tests and glasses paid for.

But in answer to your original question, I'd expect the money to be joint, and medical necessity to trump domestic appliance, whoever it was for.

TheSloppelganger Fri 19-Apr-13 21:46:51

If the OP knew she was going to need new glasses at this point in time, then (bearing the separate finance arrangements in mind) it was surely her responsibility to make sure she had enough money to buy them.

So I can sort of see why her DH didn't rush to give her the last of his money - especially if he'd already arranged to spend it on his DD. (Which presumably he had - hoovers not really being ideal surprise gifts.)

If however, the need for replacement specs wasn't anticipated (loss/breakage) then it is pretty unkind of the 'D'H to refuse to assist financially with buying such an essential item when the alternative is making his DW take out a shitty pay day loan.

I do think completely separate finances are quite a strange thing though -- unless one partner is bad with money.

thegreylady Fri 19-Apr-13 22:18:41

Surely to goodness no one "borrows" from her husband! Even if you have separate accounts there must be some joint money too. I really cannot see any love or respect in a relationship like the one in op. An adult child living independently should not be prioritised unless it is an emergency-which a Hoover is not.

Happilymarried155 Fri 19-Apr-13 23:17:56

I don't know why everyone thinks it's so strange for a husband and wife to have their own bank account. We have a joint bank account that we contribute the same to that our bills come out of and then our own bank accounts to spend whatever is left. How am I supposed to treat dh to nice gifts or buy Christmas presents if he can see where I have been shopping.
I'm married not lost my identity, their is nothing wrong with having your own bank accounts.
As far as this thread is concerned your dh was mean letting you get the payday loan!

SpanishFly Fri 19-Apr-13 23:41:36

But the point is more if one of you earns a lot more than the other, then it's not so cut and dried, as the op has discovered.

I earn more than dh but we have so little disposable income after mortgage, nursery fees, bills, then it makes no sense to have separate accounts

GoblinGranny Sat 20-Apr-13 07:45:35

I think that provided your finances work for your family, any combination of methods is acceptable and shouldn't be seen as weird or odd.
OH and I met as students over 30 years ago, and separate accounts and a joint one has served us well over the years.

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