To say no to DS having GF stay over night?

(54 Posts)
Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 08:24:58

That's it really DS 20 GF19. Have said I don't like it, I feel uncomfortable and have younger ds's to think of.

He says I am old fashioned and behind the times! And it'd none of my business as its his room.
Aibu??

Danceasifnooneswatching Mon 22-Apr-13 11:50:01

Not a single parent no but he is not my husbands child, It seems that it's a difficult thing to deal with in lots of families, I never thought I would feel like this as we are very close and I thought I would be ok with him having a GF to stay over!!

I think if he was an only child I may feel differently but am not sure, this is a part of having a grown up child that I wasn't prepared for.

Got to go through this another 3 timesgringrin.

It's 'your house your rules' for me too. I can never really relax when I have visitors - I feel the need to be 'the host' to them. I would not be happy to be forced to be the host endlessly.

If he wants to move someone in, then he can move them in to HIS place - the one he should be looking for right now. As for his saying you are "old fashioned and behind the times" and that it's none of your business - well, he would say that, wouldn't he? It's the 'best' he can come up with, because he's got no real argument.

Oh, and LolaDontCryOverSpiltEggnog made a VERY good point on how it can affect the younger siblings (Fri 19-Apr-13 09:27:02).

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes Sun 21-Apr-13 16:31:59

oh god i could have written this. Ds is 20 Gf 19 he does not get that I like the house to just be family sometimes Gf is lovely and tbh he stays at hers more than she is here but sometimes when he announces (not asks) that shes coming over, sometimes for tea too with little notice my heart sinks and he can tell I am not happy but can never see that there is an issue.

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 01:51:10

rent makes no difference. its your house, not his. if you don't like it, he finds somewhere else to fuck his girlfriend.

Springdiva Sun 21-Apr-13 01:36:20

Are you a single parent Dance?
There was another thread on here about this and the DS seemed to be taking on the 'man of the house' role and over-riding his single-parent DM's wishes.
This sounds a bit similar.
My DCs could sleep with partners at my house only after they had left home and were sleeping with them regularly or living with them so they had a bigger commitment to the GF/BF which made them more part of the family, iyswim.

Danceasifnooneswatching Sat 20-Apr-13 23:51:22

Desperate to leave my control??
It's interesting to see different views and that's why I posted.
Thank you allgringrin

pinkr Sat 20-Apr-13 20:59:33

I was never allowed anyone staying over...my parents house their rules. In fact its only since dh and I got married that we can sleep in my old room...until then and even at the grand old age of 30 plus and owning our own house it wasn't on. I respect my dads rules.

Rockinhippy Sat 20-Apr-13 02:27:18

Your house, your rules

Ouchmyhead Sat 20-Apr-13 02:03:08

YANBU, your house, your rules you don't need to justify them. I am 24, when I lived at home there was a strict no bf/Gf staying over rule for me and my brother, because they weren't comfortable with it - simple as! When I moved in with my now fiancé they started to allow we are allowed to share a room when we stay over at theirs, but until then it was a no!

amicissimma Fri 19-Apr-13 22:45:56

YANBU. I don't allow DD 's boyfriend to stay overnight. I am quite well aware of what they do when she stays at his, but I am not comfortable with him staying here. It's my house and if I have rules she thinks are too silly for her to live with, she is welcome to move out.

Part of the reason is what has happened to you: he stays one night a week, then two, then three, etc. If I want a lodger (which I don't) I will chose him/her myself and set up a contract on my terms.

OhLori Fri 19-Apr-13 22:41:18

To be honest, I think your son is not respecting your feelings or your views.

Beamur Fri 19-Apr-13 22:39:21

YANBU - weekends is one thing, effectively living there is another.
Your house, your rules.

OkayHazel Fri 19-Apr-13 22:35:46

I think your son needs to move out. If I was him (I am a 21 year old woman) I'd be desperate to leave your control!

My fella started staying over on the sofa at 16, and was allowed to stay in my bed at 18. Then 6 months I moved out and could do what the bloody hell I wanted. Best choice ever.

IloveJudgeJudy Fri 19-Apr-13 22:25:42

I agree with you. Same sort of scenario with my DB (but not a GF). He had a very good friend who had been kicked out of his home and was lodging with another family. He was paying rent to them. All fine. He used to come round to dinner at ours quite a lot. Then it became 7 days/week. DM told DB that it couldn't be every single night, even though we all really liked the friend. The nights/week were limited to 4 or 5, I think.

From your first OP I thought you werent allowing him to have her stay at all, but now it's nearly every night and in the week, I completely agree with you. I would sit all down (without GF) and have a civilised family discussion and agree some kind of compromise. He's an adult and should be up for this sort of thing.

Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 21:16:10

Thanks for replies.smile

ceebie Fri 19-Apr-13 13:42:03

My mother always said "my house, my rules", and although irritating it was a fair point. I was away at university and she knew I was sleeping with my boyfriend, but nevertheless if he was visiting my house, he stayed in the spare room, and that was non-negotiable. She just didn't feel comfortable with it, and fair enough.

Obviously you are already a lot more relaxed about letting the girlfriend stay. But my point is the same as many other posters - just because he's an adult does not mean that he gets to decide what goes on in your house.

YANBU

Do you remember when he was 3 and you had to define your boundaries and stick to them? (This is where I'm at - can you tell?). Same thing for when he's 20, I reckon.

Startail Fri 19-Apr-13 13:40:59

YABU to ban them, but YANBU not to want a permanent visitor.

My now DH slept at my parents every other weekend for six months and then, after I went back to uni, every third weekend for almost two years (I was 20, he was 23).

Fond though my parent were of him I think they and, certainly my younger sister, would have found us annoying being love birds every day.

Likewise my collage friends didn't want him at our flat every weekend, one in three they could cope with too. The third weekend was spent in his tiny bed sit where we annoyed no one, but it was a squeeze.

His parents got us in the holidays because they lived too far away for weekends. His wonderful, older Mother let us seep together and never let on to his even older dad how many beds she changed in the annex grin

Floralnomad Fri 19-Apr-13 13:38:53

I had this issue with my son and having partners sleeping and I said no . He is welcome to have people in his room doing whatever until 11.30 PM but then I expect everyone to be downstairs ( who doesn't live here) . It's nothing to do with sex its simply that I want to be able to dress however I want in my own home and I also have a younger child.

Fairylea Fri 19-Apr-13 13:32:28

Yanbu. That's too much. It's like having a lodger forced on you. Tell him he either goes by your rules or moves out. He is 20 afterall.

BackforGood Fri 19-Apr-13 13:29:26

Of course YANBU (although your 2nds post telling it completely different from your title and you OP, didn't help matters!)

It's your home, and no other adult can expect to walzt in and (virtually) live there. If your ds doesn't like it, then maybe it's time they looked at getting somewhere together.

iZombie Fri 19-Apr-13 13:28:02

They should get their own place. They're taking your good will to it's limit and it is beyond rude.

Crinkle77 Fri 19-Apr-13 13:24:47

YANBU. It is your business as it is your house. If you are not comfortable then he should respect your decision. If he does not like it then he can get his own place. My mum was exactly the same with us when we were younger. Boyfriends could stay over but in a separate room. I thought she was old fashioned but seeing as it was her house I had to respect her rules.

mrsmalcolmreynolds Fri 19-Apr-13 13:24:36

Well in that case YANBU to say enough is enough, but have you made it absolutely clear to your DS that this is the reason for you saying no? For him to be saying that you're oldfashioned and behind the times suggests that he thinks (or is pretending to think!) that it is about sex.

Sounds like you need to set some ground rules (eg. Fri/Sat only, checking with you in advance and if you say no, that means no).

Danceasifnooneswatching Fri 19-Apr-13 12:32:13

Sorry I wrote and ran but it all got too much last night which would have been night 4... I have an issue with midweek as its school for younger children try are dashing around in and out of bathroom and bedroom getting ready as am I, DS leaves for work at 6 and leaves GF in his room. I then feel uncomfortable that I have another adult in my home and I just can't relax.

Sex isn't the issue its not wanting the other children to think they can continue this pattern of inviting another adult into the family home, disregarding my feelings. I have tried to be reasonable but he feels she should be able to stay as often as he wants her here.
Thanks for replies so far I will read all of them when I am not working.
Thank you.

frazmum Fri 19-Apr-13 09:40:38

Can completely understand how you're feeling. My DD18 regularly stays over at her boyfriends but he doesn't stay here as DH is uncomfortable with it. Partly as it is his daughter and feels that while he knows what's going on, he doesn't want it right under his nose. Also we have younger DC's, one DS just entering puberty and that confusing stage.

Could you try having her overnight but make one of them sleep on the couch just to get everyone used to the idea (that's what I wanted to do but DH overruled that one too)? Make it a gradual thing.

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