Too close father/daughter....

(92 Posts)
AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 20:47:50

Three years ago I met a new man after separating from my partner of 20 years. I welcomed the fact that he was a lone parent of a teenage girl. As the years have gone by however I have become increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship. He seems to treat her as a partner, rather than a daughter.

He takes her to the pub with him, (they share wine when at home), lets her dress extremely provocatively and seems proud when men ogle at her. When they are sitting on the sofa together they are draped over each other like a courting couple. She is now 16 and almost too old to rein in now. He has admitted he will never say "no" to anything she wants, allowing her to entertain various boys in her room, let her boyfriend stay over on numerous occasions (on the sofa) when she was 14. I got up early one morning to find said boyfriend in her room, so said it was either him staying over or me!

If I try to protest about her behaviour (I have 5 children of my own so have a lot of experience of parenting) he wont listen and gets angry. I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal", though dont remember any of my friends being like this with their fathers when I was a teen. She gets angry if we go out as a couple and dont invite her, so we have to go to pubs which allow under 18's. He admitted they talk about things when alone that fathers and daughters dont usually discuss - I was afraid to ask what!

Am I right to be concerned or am I just envious of their closeness as I never had it with my own father?

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 01:55:37

ditch this bloke. love or no love, if he's too close to his daughter, what does that make you? his accomplice? not his partner - that's the one he raised for himself. no. leave/sack him/do whatever you have to do to get rid of him. never mind him and the daughter, its unhealthy for you.

Maryz Sun 21-Apr-13 01:11:26

I'm amazed this thread is still here.

I agree with AnyFucker (as usual)

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:13:30

Sorry op i think i would get out if this relationship, he has no backbone to rein in his dd behaviour and does not respect you

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:07:24

Or boyfriend,, this situation does not sound right, the dad sounds like he is taking advantage of the girls nievity and vulnerability

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:02:50

Totally agree little bairn. It does seem that boundaries arr blurred, its the dads job to act like a parent and not the girls mate

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 20-Apr-13 20:48:17

candy- we don't know that this OP is Boxy.

candyandyoga Sat 20-Apr-13 20:15:07

Add message | Report | Message poster AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:13
"Boxy" is a repeat offender whose first (or certainly the first I recognised) thread was about step children and some ole shite about her kids were being relegated to the "boxroom"

she has since posted countless (and I mean countless ) threads detailing an abusive partner and his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, asking for advice she never takes

and then comes back and does it again, with the salient details slightly altered

she actually admitted to it a short while ago when challenged...but I reckon the compulsion is still there

...,,,
So true - listen to anyfucker. We should not be giving this op any advice as she never takes it!

My DD1 does this. With her oldest brothers. Flirts with their friends (who are in their twenties and treat her with indulgent slight humour), pushes in if they're round.

My youngest sits on my oldest's knee ALL THE TIME when he's home. And he strokes her hair.

Context is everything. I am not in the least worried.

But if you don't like it then you have the choice to leave.

AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:13

"Boxy" is a repeat offender whose first (or certainly the first I recognised) thread was about step children and some ole shite about her kids were being relegated to the "boxroom"

she has since posted countless (and I mean countless ) threads detailing an abusive partner and his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, asking for advice she never takes

and then comes back and does it again, with the salient details slightly altered

she actually admitted to it a short while ago when challenged...but I reckon the compulsion is still there

Sounds a bit like my neighbour and her daughter, when daughter was that age. Dont know about the hugging, though, but mum would take dd out with her to the pub. (single mum)

Daughter was treated more like a friend than a child. The girl is now 19, took a gap year from uni to photograph animals in Thailand, as part of her fashion, photography and design degree. She is funding her stay by working as the assistant manager in a pub.

They seemed so close it was almost like it was unhealthy, but in fact daughter has grown up to be very confident, and smart about things. She is doing very well.

There are different parenting styles. The problem I see, however is how the two of them treat you. I would not stand for that, and not want to be the third wheel on the wagon with my dp.

LittleYellowBall Fri 19-Apr-13 21:11:31

Seems odd that you love someone who treats you as a second class citizen.

squoosh Fri 19-Apr-13 21:01:05

I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal"

Some people seem shocked that you don't regard this is normal. I know all families are different but this doesn't sound like my normal. It doesn't sound like the normal of anyone I know either, fathers and adult daughters entwined on the couch. Really?

I think their relationship sounds a bit unhealthy to be honest.

DeskPlanner Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:53

Two posters have mentioned it. Can anyone tell me who Boxy is please ?

Well I go to the pub with my dad, we link arms, he tickles my feet, we speak at least six times a day. He's wonderful with my dd.
A devoted grandfather and father. He wouldn't let teenage boys stay over when I was younger, nor was I allowed to dress provocatively.

I'm 23 now.

pigsDOfly Fri 19-Apr-13 19:18:05

Just looked up 'covert incest' as Textfan advised you OP. If you haven't already done so you really should look it up. Sounds as if your OH and his DD are very close to being in this situation. If it rings bells with you she is the victim here and needs your help. Tbh it sounds like you need to get out of this toxic situation.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 19-Apr-13 19:12:32

OP
I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal"

shock It is 100% NORMAL, My Dad and I still do this and I am I my forties. There is nothing weird about it. It's sweet.

I think it lovely that your DP and his DD have a close relationship. I would let them get on with it and wouldn't worry about it. Your DP probably has a better chance of being able to parent his daughter by being close to her rather than being a removed authoritarian Dad.

My own Dad has literally never told me off or dissaproved of anything I have done. I would chat about anything with him as a teenager and I still would.

I find your disapproval of their relationship a bit mean.

Squitten Fri 19-Apr-13 18:08:31

To be perfectly honest, I think you are directing your criticism at the wrong person.

How he chooses to raise his daughter is not your business and, whilst you may have concerns or not agree with it, unless you think he's abusing her or something then it's not in your remit.

The stuff about the not being able to go out on your own, however, is your problem. But be angry at HIM, not her. He is the one who is allowing it to happen when he doesn't have to and, evidently, he is being very clear in telling you how things are. If you don't like it, end the relationship, because he is evidently very happy with how things are and has no intentions of changing them.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 19-Apr-13 16:42:26

I would like to add that I think it's awful that her Mum went to live abroad without her. What a massive rejection.

It might explain her toxic behaviour but it doesn't excuse it.

Wannabestepfordwife Fri 19-Apr-13 13:30:56

I can see why it would make you feel uncomfortable.

If her mother technically abandoned her at 12 to move abroad and all her friends are male she probably has problems trusting women.

Have you ever tried doing something one on one with her. If you developed a good relationship with her and she learnt to trust you then she be more easy going about you and her dad going out alone.

I was the same at her age with regards to dress and wanting to be the centre of attention but I had incredibly low self esteem and was really self destructive.

She probably feels rejected by her mother the one person who's supposed to love you no matter what so is clinging to her dad.

I would hate feeling second best or not a priority but you will either have to hope things are better when she leaves home or end the relationship.

shewhowines Fri 19-Apr-13 13:05:17

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she will see you off and it will be her Dad's fault for enabling her to do so.

This

ChocsAwayInMyGob Fri 19-Apr-13 12:44:30

Hmm.

It does sound like she is being competitive for his love and wants to be first, and also make it clear to you that she is first.

I can't say I'd like it much, and I think the resentment might eventually end things for you.

Idocrazythings has a point- maybe she doesn't realise that adults can have relationships that are not a threat to how much they love their kids.

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she will see you off and it will be her Dad's fault for enabling her to do so.

Idocrazythings Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:58

Just another perspective- I grew up with a single parent and it was only when I turned about 16 that I actually understood why my mum would want another relationship; I truly did not have the mauturity to understand why she needed anyone else when she had me? Maybe his daughter is a little like that too?

My mum always put me first, too, and never really sat me down and explained about relationships; she just wanted me to be happy even if she wasn't

fromparistoberlin Fri 19-Apr-13 12:33:23

Look its a bit unusual, but main fact is YOU dont feel comfy with it

TBH you have no say on their relationship, so if you cant handle it I think you need to split up with him

It does sound odd, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it

LightAFire Fri 19-Apr-13 12:32:42

Yy shewhowines

shewhowines Fri 19-Apr-13 12:29:03

My DH and Dc sit "entwined" on the sofa, ie legs draped, but probably only because it is more comfortable to put your feet up and there is not enough room unless you entwine.

I can understand why his DD wants to monopolise her DF attention although that does not make it right. The style of clothing and BF sleeping over are his parenting decisions to make though, and you need to leave him to it there.

The real problem, as others have said, is the fact that he feels it is acceptable to put DD first ALL THE TIME. Yes of course she should be number 1, but there is a distinct lack of respect for your feelings and needs.

It is probably a pattern that they have fallen into, but if he won't listen to your concerns about whether it is actually healthy to let her be in complete control of his life, that is worrying. How do you come across, when you broach your wish to spend some time alone without her always joining you? Do you come across as me,me,me whining and moaning or does he refuse to have a calm and reasoned discussion?

Think about how you communicate generally about this and other aspects of your relationship. Is it only this issue he is unreasonable about? If it is only this issue, then you need to accept it without any more comments and move on or decide if it is a deal breaker. If he's disrespectful of you more generally, then you have more to think about and you need to decide if the relationship is worth it.

Your parenting styles and standards being different is not the problem, not respecting you and NEVER putting you first, is.

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