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Too close father/daughter....

(92 Posts)
AnnaClaudia Thu 18-Apr-13 20:47:50

Three years ago I met a new man after separating from my partner of 20 years. I welcomed the fact that he was a lone parent of a teenage girl. As the years have gone by however I have become increasingly uncomfortable with their relationship. He seems to treat her as a partner, rather than a daughter.

He takes her to the pub with him, (they share wine when at home), lets her dress extremely provocatively and seems proud when men ogle at her. When they are sitting on the sofa together they are draped over each other like a courting couple. She is now 16 and almost too old to rein in now. He has admitted he will never say "no" to anything she wants, allowing her to entertain various boys in her room, let her boyfriend stay over on numerous occasions (on the sofa) when she was 14. I got up early one morning to find said boyfriend in her room, so said it was either him staying over or me!

If I try to protest about her behaviour (I have 5 children of my own so have a lot of experience of parenting) he wont listen and gets angry. I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal", though dont remember any of my friends being like this with their fathers when I was a teen. She gets angry if we go out as a couple and dont invite her, so we have to go to pubs which allow under 18's. He admitted they talk about things when alone that fathers and daughters dont usually discuss - I was afraid to ask what!

Am I right to be concerned or am I just envious of their closeness as I never had it with my own father?

Squitten Fri 19-Apr-13 18:08:31

To be perfectly honest, I think you are directing your criticism at the wrong person.

How he chooses to raise his daughter is not your business and, whilst you may have concerns or not agree with it, unless you think he's abusing her or something then it's not in your remit.

The stuff about the not being able to go out on your own, however, is your problem. But be angry at HIM, not her. He is the one who is allowing it to happen when he doesn't have to and, evidently, he is being very clear in telling you how things are. If you don't like it, end the relationship, because he is evidently very happy with how things are and has no intentions of changing them.

DontSHOUTTTTTT Fri 19-Apr-13 19:12:32

OP
I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal"

shock It is 100% NORMAL, My Dad and I still do this and I am I my forties. There is nothing weird about it. It's sweet.

I think it lovely that your DP and his DD have a close relationship. I would let them get on with it and wouldn't worry about it. Your DP probably has a better chance of being able to parent his daughter by being close to her rather than being a removed authoritarian Dad.

My own Dad has literally never told me off or dissaproved of anything I have done. I would chat about anything with him as a teenager and I still would.

I find your disapproval of their relationship a bit mean.

pigsDOfly Fri 19-Apr-13 19:18:05

Just looked up 'covert incest' as Textfan advised you OP. If you haven't already done so you really should look it up. Sounds as if your OH and his DD are very close to being in this situation. If it rings bells with you she is the victim here and needs your help. Tbh it sounds like you need to get out of this toxic situation.

Well I go to the pub with my dad, we link arms, he tickles my feet, we speak at least six times a day. He's wonderful with my dd.
A devoted grandfather and father. He wouldn't let teenage boys stay over when I was younger, nor was I allowed to dress provocatively.

I'm 23 now.

DeskPlanner Fri 19-Apr-13 20:51:53

Two posters have mentioned it. Can anyone tell me who Boxy is please ?

squoosh Fri 19-Apr-13 21:01:05

I was brought up away from my father so have no idea if sitting entwined with your daughter stroking her arms/ legs is "normal"

Some people seem shocked that you don't regard this is normal. I know all families are different but this doesn't sound like my normal. It doesn't sound like the normal of anyone I know either, fathers and adult daughters entwined on the couch. Really?

I think their relationship sounds a bit unhealthy to be honest.

LittleYellowBall Fri 19-Apr-13 21:11:31

Seems odd that you love someone who treats you as a second class citizen.

Sounds a bit like my neighbour and her daughter, when daughter was that age. Dont know about the hugging, though, but mum would take dd out with her to the pub. (single mum)

Daughter was treated more like a friend than a child. The girl is now 19, took a gap year from uni to photograph animals in Thailand, as part of her fashion, photography and design degree. She is funding her stay by working as the assistant manager in a pub.

They seemed so close it was almost like it was unhealthy, but in fact daughter has grown up to be very confident, and smart about things. She is doing very well.

There are different parenting styles. The problem I see, however is how the two of them treat you. I would not stand for that, and not want to be the third wheel on the wagon with my dp.

AnyFucker Germany Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:13

"Boxy" is a repeat offender whose first (or certainly the first I recognised) thread was about step children and some ole shite about her kids were being relegated to the "boxroom"

she has since posted countless (and I mean countless ) threads detailing an abusive partner and his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, asking for advice she never takes

and then comes back and does it again, with the salient details slightly altered

she actually admitted to it a short while ago when challenged...but I reckon the compulsion is still there

My DD1 does this. With her oldest brothers. Flirts with their friends (who are in their twenties and treat her with indulgent slight humour), pushes in if they're round.

My youngest sits on my oldest's knee ALL THE TIME when he's home. And he strokes her hair.

Context is everything. I am not in the least worried.

But if you don't like it then you have the choice to leave.

candyandyoga Sat 20-Apr-13 20:15:07

Add message | Report | Message poster AnyFucker Fri 19-Apr-13 21:28:13
"Boxy" is a repeat offender whose first (or certainly the first I recognised) thread was about step children and some ole shite about her kids were being relegated to the "boxroom"

she has since posted countless (and I mean countless ) threads detailing an abusive partner and his inappropriate relationship with his daughter, asking for advice she never takes

and then comes back and does it again, with the salient details slightly altered

she actually admitted to it a short while ago when challenged...but I reckon the compulsion is still there

...,,,
So true - listen to anyfucker. We should not be giving this op any advice as she never takes it!

ChocsAwayInMyGob Sat 20-Apr-13 20:48:17

candy- we don't know that this OP is Boxy.

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:02:50

Totally agree little bairn. It does seem that boundaries arr blurred, its the dads job to act like a parent and not the girls mate

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:07:24

Or boyfriend,, this situation does not sound right, the dad sounds like he is taking advantage of the girls nievity and vulnerability

pigletmania Sat 20-Apr-13 22:13:30

Sorry op i think i would get out if this relationship, he has no backbone to rein in his dd behaviour and does not respect you

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Sun 21-Apr-13 01:11:26

I'm amazed this thread is still here.

I agree with AnyFucker (as usual)

b4bunnies Sun 21-Apr-13 01:55:37

ditch this bloke. love or no love, if he's too close to his daughter, what does that make you? his accomplice? not his partner - that's the one he raised for himself. no. leave/sack him/do whatever you have to do to get rid of him. never mind him and the daughter, its unhealthy for you.

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