to love being just a couple with my DP so much that I don't want us to have children?

(87 Posts)
Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 16:05:43

I'm 34 and should probably be getting on with it (in my PIL's opinion...)

kotinka Thu 18-Apr-13 19:28:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontmindifIdo Thu 18-Apr-13 19:23:12

YANBU - children are very hard on a relationship if you aren't both 100% committed. Not to done if you're not sure.

Lots of people have taken the decision not to have DCs, but these people are therefore not PIL to anyone - and often don't socialise or live in child friendly places to friends with people like your PIL. Your PIL also will be from a generation where fertility treatment wasn't as available/successful so are more likely to just assume those amongst their social group who don't have DCs weren't able too IYSWIM.

Personally, I'd talk to your DH about it again, be 100% certain he doesn't want them, then get him to let it slip to his Dad that he thinks he can't have DCs, that will probably shut your FIL up for a while, which is all you want (don't let it be you that officially has the problem, as then you might find your FIL starts pressuring your DP to go find a woman who can have DCs)

But yes, be very certain your DP doesn't want DCs, you have only a few years left of being able to have DCs, he's easily got a couple of extra decades. I know a few dads who had DCs in their 50s, and their 30-something DWs were not their first long term relationship. It might not be a deal breaker now, but it might become a deal breaker in his 40s. Best to be certain his "I don't mind either way" doesn't mean "I don't mind either way now but probably will want them at some point." (If that's the case, best to leave him now rather than wait for the inevitable)

MusicalEndorphins Thu 18-Apr-13 19:22:35

I would not want to raise children if I did not have the biological urge to do so. I know a few people who have not had any (all in their 50's now). They have no regrets. YANBU.

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Apr-13 19:12:33

YANBU

Children are hard hard work. They are can be demanding, expensive, selfish. You have to have a strong relationship to get through pregnancy, newborns, toddlers, teens,,schoolwork aggghh. Emotionally, we have been through extreme highs and extreme lows with our children. Without them our lives would have been a less stressful plateau.

Having children was a natural step for us, and was a sort of progression on for our love for each other. We wouldn't change a thing. But I can understand why you would stick with what you know and not want kids.

Squitten Thu 18-Apr-13 19:03:24

Well it sounds like you know your answer already! Have you talked to your DH about the fact that you don't want children and whether he is on board with that?

I'm just wondering if the answer to your IL gripe is simply for your DH to tell them "We don't want kids so there won't be any". At least they can go postal about it and get it over with then!

MysteriousHamster Thu 18-Apr-13 18:59:30

YANBU

Don't have them if you don't want to. But listen to doubt if it's there. I decided I wanted to have a child when I was 26 - didn't have one until I was 30. 33 now and I doubt I'll be able to have another one without treatment, which I can't afford. Wish I'd started in my early twenties sad

Saying that, I did spend ten years with my husband (8 married), on our own, which was lovely too.

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 18:59:16

Clarty I found the article, it was fascinating, thanks!

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Apr-13 18:56:42

Jescha

smile

Graveyard Thu 18-Apr-13 18:48:08

Yanbu of course. Your in-laws sound difficult!

This is quite a dark way to think, but whatever your DP feels about parenthood now, and however good your relationship is, his fertility will last longer than yours, and if you split up say in five years he could have a child with someone else whereas you might not have that option. Or you might stay together but change your mind in a few years and have fertility problems and end up with no children.

I don't mean to be negative, but sometimes thinking about different scenarios can help IYSWIM. I also know a couple of women who this has happened to.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 18-Apr-13 18:40:48

Don't do it unless you really really want to OP.

YADNBU

middleagedspread Thu 18-Apr-13 18:38:08

I think if you & your DP decide not to have children that's your business. Yours only.
I was with DH for 10 years before we made the decision. We had a great time as a couple; holidays, money, social life. I knew I wanted DC eventually, and when I was pregnant I mourned the loss of my old life.
But, when DS then his brother arrived I realised that my priorities had changed & the luxury holidays seemed irrelevant. It was the best decision we ever made.
I'm not saying you can only have a happy & fulfilled life if you chose not to have children, but that for many people they are icing on the cake.

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 18:35:53

Jamie I know what you mean and I know everyone worries about the surface things that having DCs will affect, money, job, time to yourself, sleep etc. But I'm talking about that deep down feeling of knowing what's right for you. And I can see that motherhood and children are wonderful but not for me. I don't know why, that's just how it is smile

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Apr-13 18:28:13

Jescha

I also feel strongly about not doing things I don't feel 100% about, but having children was an exception. Don't really know how to explain it, but with something so important, I think not having fears, reservations would be odd.

imour Thu 18-Apr-13 18:23:16

yanbu if you both feel the same , i know a few couples without children and they got asked all the time `when you having kids then` like its the done thing , until they hit 40 then everyone stopped and accepted it , dont feel pressured if you really dont wont them its you who will be skint , tired etc no one else.

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 18:19:43

No I didn't see that Clarty, will have a look for it on their website smile

ClartyCarol Thu 18-Apr-13 18:14:37

Jescha, there was an article in the Guardian Family section a couple of weeks ago about a woman who had a very happy marriage and who had chosen to remain childless. Did you read it? It was food for thought.

I don't think you're crazy enough to abstain from parenthood solely on the basis that it pisses the PILs off, btw wink.

ImagineJL Thu 18-Apr-13 17:53:08

I think your absolutely right. It's a huge commitment and I would find it impossible if it wasn't what I truly wanted.

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 17:44:02

It is important Imagine but I do feel very strongly about not having a child unless I 100% want to do it, because I know myself and I'm shit at doing things I don't completely believe in/want to do. If DP decides he wants them then better to do it with someone else.

ImagineJL Thu 18-Apr-13 17:40:31

YANBU. If you don't want children, don't have them.

But, I think it's important that your and DP totally agree on this. Because in 10 years time it'll be too late to change your mind, but it won't be too late for him to change his.

Sorry if I sound bitter and cynical, but it is something to think about.

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 17:26:38

primrose PILs aren't awful exactly, not malicious at all, but they are the kind of people who never question anything, despite being v intelligent, so traditional and conservative, live in a v small world and have never had an original thought in their lives. I know that sounds harsh but we are just v different and its a total personality clash.

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 17:19:46

jojane that's a lovely post.

jennymac Thu 18-Apr-13 17:15:55

I didn't feel broody at all when me and DH decided to start trying for a baby. Really we just started ttc because we had just got married the year previously, were both in our early thirties and thought it would probably take a bit of time. As luck would have it, I got pregnant straight away and was delighted, but I would say that I only had that broody craving feeling for a child after dd was born (which led to the conception of ds very shortly afterwards!)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Apr-13 17:13:53

Never been tonThaliand, or backpacked, though ...

OP.

It is completely rational to not want children, to worry about the effecton you as a couple - it is for some people, for some of the time a negative effect.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Apr-13 17:12:07

Jojane. I agree

drjohnsonscat Thu 18-Apr-13 17:08:20

that's lovely jojane smile

Although your pre DCs life sounds nicer than mine was! But then I use the DCs as an excuse not to go to the pub (hate pubs!) so I agree with your general point that there are upsides on both sides of the fence.

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