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to love being just a couple with my DP so much that I don't want us to have children?

(87 Posts)
Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 16:05:43

I'm 34 and should probably be getting on with it (in my PIL's opinion...)

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 18:35:53

Jamie I know what you mean and I know everyone worries about the surface things that having DCs will affect, money, job, time to yourself, sleep etc. But I'm talking about that deep down feeling of knowing what's right for you. And I can see that motherhood and children are wonderful but not for me. I don't know why, that's just how it is smile

middleagedspread Thu 18-Apr-13 18:38:08

I think if you & your DP decide not to have children that's your business. Yours only.
I was with DH for 10 years before we made the decision. We had a great time as a couple; holidays, money, social life. I knew I wanted DC eventually, and when I was pregnant I mourned the loss of my old life.
But, when DS then his brother arrived I realised that my priorities had changed & the luxury holidays seemed irrelevant. It was the best decision we ever made.
I'm not saying you can only have a happy & fulfilled life if you chose not to have children, but that for many people they are icing on the cake.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Thu 18-Apr-13 18:40:48

Don't do it unless you really really want to OP.

YADNBU

Graveyard Thu 18-Apr-13 18:48:08

Yanbu of course. Your in-laws sound difficult!

This is quite a dark way to think, but whatever your DP feels about parenthood now, and however good your relationship is, his fertility will last longer than yours, and if you split up say in five years he could have a child with someone else whereas you might not have that option. Or you might stay together but change your mind in a few years and have fertility problems and end up with no children.

I don't mean to be negative, but sometimes thinking about different scenarios can help IYSWIM. I also know a couple of women who this has happened to.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Apr-13 18:56:42

Jescha

smile

Jescha Thu 18-Apr-13 18:59:16

Clarty I found the article, it was fascinating, thanks!

MysteriousHamster Thu 18-Apr-13 18:59:30

YANBU

Don't have them if you don't want to. But listen to doubt if it's there. I decided I wanted to have a child when I was 26 - didn't have one until I was 30. 33 now and I doubt I'll be able to have another one without treatment, which I can't afford. Wish I'd started in my early twenties sad

Saying that, I did spend ten years with my husband (8 married), on our own, which was lovely too.

Squitten Thu 18-Apr-13 19:03:24

Well it sounds like you know your answer already! Have you talked to your DH about the fact that you don't want children and whether he is on board with that?

I'm just wondering if the answer to your IL gripe is simply for your DH to tell them "We don't want kids so there won't be any". At least they can go postal about it and get it over with then!

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Apr-13 19:12:33

YANBU

Children are hard hard work. They are can be demanding, expensive, selfish. You have to have a strong relationship to get through pregnancy, newborns, toddlers, teens,,schoolwork aggghh. Emotionally, we have been through extreme highs and extreme lows with our children. Without them our lives would have been a less stressful plateau.

Having children was a natural step for us, and was a sort of progression on for our love for each other. We wouldn't change a thing. But I can understand why you would stick with what you know and not want kids.

MusicalEndorphins Thu 18-Apr-13 19:22:35

I would not want to raise children if I did not have the biological urge to do so. I know a few people who have not had any (all in their 50's now). They have no regrets. YANBU.

DontmindifIdo Thu 18-Apr-13 19:23:12

YANBU - children are very hard on a relationship if you aren't both 100% committed. Not to done if you're not sure.

Lots of people have taken the decision not to have DCs, but these people are therefore not PIL to anyone - and often don't socialise or live in child friendly places to friends with people like your PIL. Your PIL also will be from a generation where fertility treatment wasn't as available/successful so are more likely to just assume those amongst their social group who don't have DCs weren't able too IYSWIM.

Personally, I'd talk to your DH about it again, be 100% certain he doesn't want them, then get him to let it slip to his Dad that he thinks he can't have DCs, that will probably shut your FIL up for a while, which is all you want (don't let it be you that officially has the problem, as then you might find your FIL starts pressuring your DP to go find a woman who can have DCs)

But yes, be very certain your DP doesn't want DCs, you have only a few years left of being able to have DCs, he's easily got a couple of extra decades. I know a few dads who had DCs in their 50s, and their 30-something DWs were not their first long term relationship. It might not be a deal breaker now, but it might become a deal breaker in his 40s. Best to be certain his "I don't mind either way" doesn't mean "I don't mind either way now but probably will want them at some point." (If that's the case, best to leave him now rather than wait for the inevitable)

kotinka Thu 18-Apr-13 19:28:21

YANBU having kids is bloody hard. openly, on here, I've regretted it. life changed too much, in every way. but now I'm used to being a mum, I do get a lot of joy out of it. it's different. I was happy before though, and we'd have been fine as we were. so will you.

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