Husband and a colleague

(322 Posts)
appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 20:52:57

For not wanting my husband to go out for a drink and a meal with a fellow female colleague in the evening while I look after the kids? He is now saying I could do the same but I am currently a SAHM. I am normally not the jealous type but this new friendship has just got to me.
I do trust him and know its just a friendship but what I have been struggling with is just that - even though I trust him I know that sometimes friendships become something else even if intentions start good as hes a bit naive in nature. Also where to you draw a line - I would call that a date really and in the past feel a bit naughty if I excepted and invite thats the same when in a relationship and would not have done it?

HazardLamps Wed 17-Apr-13 21:08:51

I'm in agreement with IsThatTrue. There's no reason why a man and a woman, married or not, can't just be friends. I agree too that if you have an issue with being stuck at home with the children you need to address this and arrange to spend some time with friends of your own, male or female.

PenelopePortrait Wed 17-Apr-13 21:09:02

If I'm honest ( and please don't shoot me), it would depend how old she was and what she looked like.

I would not be happy if with this and would say so. However, if she was older ( a lot) , fat (sorry but true) or a lesbian, I would be OK with it.

This does not put me in a very good light or DP come to that but it's how I feel - and expect to get flamed.

carlywurly Wed 17-Apr-13 21:09:19

If its just the two of them, no, I wouldn't be comfortable unless I knew her well.

4 years ago I didn't feel this way and was happy that xh had female friends. Xh has since married the colleague. hmm

seriouscakeeater Wed 17-Apr-13 21:09:33

My DH wouldn't even ask either... if there is a Spare few hours or quid it would be us both going out for drinks and a meal.

I have many good friend that are male and we keep in touch but we don't go out for coffee/lunch any more unless there is a few of us. There is only room for one woman in DH ..me!

seriouscakeeater Wed 17-Apr-13 21:10:29

'' in DH life, I mean ''

Mimstar Wed 17-Apr-13 21:10:32

Ha ha I'm exactly the same Penelope!

LightTheLampNotTheRat Wed 17-Apr-13 21:11:50

Someone said why not lunch - but why is lunchtime different? Just wondering.

Samu2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:07

YANBU

People will come on and say you can't trust him etc etc but I have heard of too many people who were happily married and trusted their spouses and got cheated on when their partner started socialising with someone from work in that kind of setting. Just read around the relationship forums and the research done on affairs to see that they often start this way and trusting him or not is not going to stop the risk of them developing feelings for one another happening.

Of course not every man who socialises with another woman is going to cheat, of course men and women can just be friends but it is not a risk I would want to take. Too much of a date setting for my liking and too much chance of developing intimate feelings.

My husband would never think it is appropriate anyway.

IMO, it doesn't even matter what other people think, you are entitled to your feelings and he should respect them. I would be gutted if my DH knew I was really uneasy with something and went ahead anyway when there is no need to go out for a meal with another woman in the first place.

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:12

I'm with IsThatTrue

If there's 100% trust then there's no issue is there? Or shouldn't be. It puzzles me that a lot of opinions are that because it's a member of the opposite sex, then there's a VERY REAL (seemingly) chance it will lead to something. That's extremely cynical.

If he's that way inclined then it'll happen regardless.

Charlesroi Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:18

I've been out for beers and a bite to eat lots of times with male colleagues,and not one of them has expressed any interest in anything other than talking about work, talking about family, getting pissed and telling rique jokes.

Don't worry.

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:43

She is married as well with children - I do trust he wont do anything physical - but is the difference in marriage just sex or is there more emotions involved, if not, whats the point at all?
I know hes already been chatting about our kids ect with her in a harmless friendly way but like I said where to you draw the line - I think if I kept on having dinner dates with male colleagues in the end I might end up falling for them as I am a romantic as is he? ( O and I do get out with my friends and we have a babysitter - so it is just this situation I am asking about

Shakey1500 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:13:59

Meant to add that I agree that it's two way street regarding both of you having dinner/nights out with friends/colleagues

TapirsTickleMeYoni Wed 17-Apr-13 21:14:28

Dh and I both have male and female friends who we socialise with, both together and separately.

Dh has worked away, and ended up in a flatshare with a female colleague - it didn't worry me tbh.

I think it very much depends on your partner, and how much trust you have in them.

Mimstar Wed 17-Apr-13 21:14:28

I wouldn't see lunch as different LightTheLamp in fact when my now DH was just my boyfriend of 5 months. He went for lunch with an ex girlfriend and I was pissed off. Partly because he had lied, I only found out because my best friend's Dad who is a policeman was doing sniper training in the building opposite and saw him, told my best friend who told me. I let him off because he was 18, but still...I was furious.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 17-Apr-13 21:15:07

lunchtime is part of the working day, dinnertime is eating into couple time

that feeling of being stuck at home all day and then on your own until dh gets back from socialising can be pretty awful.

it's fine with non-work friends but my dh spends more time with his colleagues than me as it is so i appreciate him minimising the 'out of hours' socialising with them

bottleofbeer Wed 17-Apr-13 21:15:25

Hard one. I have lots of male friends I'd see alone for lunch or drinks, drinks in the evening even but there seems something a bit too intimate about dinner.

PuppyMonkey Wed 17-Apr-13 21:15:47

I'd probably be wondering about the woman's intentions tbh, even if I trusted my partner. I have lots of male friends at work, we've been out as a group together along with female colleagues etc. I can't for the life of me imagine a scenario where I'd go out for a meal with just one of the male colleagues while his wife looked after their kids. I just can't.

Floggingmolly Wed 17-Apr-13 21:16:12

Meeting for lunch is a whole different ball game to going for drinks and dinner in the evening, while op stays home with the kids, Gossip.
If they're that friendly; why doesn't he just invite her round?

takeaway2 Wed 17-Apr-13 21:16:40

Because lunch is during the normal work time (assuming you work the normal 9-5 periods). I wouldn't want dh to go for 'dinner' with one other female unless that female is a super mega old friend from the past but then what's wrong with coming to ours?

I hardly have dinner out due to young kids, no family around, babysitters cost a lot etc and if I did it would not go down well at all if I told dh it was to meet some new bloke at work. If it was a work thing, group of colleagues or meeting clients etc then fine.

Alternatively if I was away at a conference and had to have dinner and there was another colleague there who was male then that's fine too. It's a circumstance thing. And frankly if I didn't really like the person (like as opposed to dislike, not fancy!) I would just order room service!

Ionasky Wed 17-Apr-13 21:17:00

Weird isn't it, I wouldn't like it but I wouldn't think twice about dh going out with 1 male friend. Maybe we are a bit old fashioned. I suppose it would feel like he's choosing time with another woman over time with you?

Arisbottle Wed 17-Apr-13 21:17:14

I have a make colleague that I work with closely , we go out for coffee , drinks or evening meal quite a few times. My DH would never object.

ClartyCarol Wed 17-Apr-13 21:17:53

Because lunchtime seems less date like. Going out for dinner generally involves soft lights, wine flowing and gazing into eachother's eyes across the table, mentally undressing one another whilst planning going home for a good shag when you've finished eating so on.

(Sorry OP, just joking there but I think the differences are obvious).

everlong Wed 17-Apr-13 21:18:56

Does he go out for meals with his other friends?

Just seems a bit odd.

DH has a few female friends with the same hobby as him ( in a big group ) I have no problem with that. But would feel weird if he wanted to go out for a meal with a female colleague.

QuacksForDoughnuts Wed 17-Apr-13 21:19:39

You may or may not BU here. Keep your powder dry until you know more would be my advice. The first sign that something might be wrong is if they explicitly try to exclude you from the friendship - for example, if you suggest she come to dinner with both of you at home and his response is shock horror. It's probably a harmless friendship that is starting to move beyond the office setting, but now would be the time to discuss things with your husband - are there any boundaries that would make you happier about the situation? (e.g. her not having priority over his time/energy/use of money, not becoming a reason to check out of his relationship with you/children at various points...)

appleNblackberry Wed 17-Apr-13 21:20:39

Like I say what is the definition of a relationship? If its just sex and childcare then he could pay for those without me?

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