Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

(195 Posts)
LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 11:13:59

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

ComposHat Mon 22-Apr-13 02:14:46

"If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion"

This really made me laugh, it isn't like it is membership of some extraordinarily exclusive club, with a host of privileges attached?

What happens if you refuse? Will they rip up your 'Shufflebottom' (or whatever your husband's surname is) membership card and take your badge away?

You aren't joining their family, you've married your husband and you haven't become part of their goods and chatals.

Fucking loons. I'd far rather join the Manson family.

Katisha Sun 21-Apr-13 22:52:34

Lets see if she can keep it up or whether there'll be the odd meaningful remark... As for DH grrr .

MmeThenardier Sun 21-Apr-13 22:46:13

oooh I love a good update!!

I just knew she wouldn't like an up front discussion!

LessMissAbs Sun 21-Apr-13 22:04:22

Update. Didn't send my email to MIL. Instead I told DH to speak to her about it. I asked him today if he had done so, and got told he hasn't, and in a way which indicated he wasn't going to. Had an argument with DH and then phoned up MIL to set her straight.

Although I remained very calm, and mentioned it quite casually a slight hint of anger might have crept into my voice. I referred to the letter they had forwarded, with my surname crossed out and replaced with theirs, and thanked them for forwarding it, but that was not my surname as I had not changed my surname on marriage. "Oh" says MIL, sounding surprised, and then, sensing trouble, "OK then", and very quickly changed the subject.

So we will see if she sticks to it. Could be it was their way of making me feel part of the family, if that's all it was, then no harm done.

As for DH...

MmeThenardier Sun 21-Apr-13 20:47:29

I'm astonished at how rude they are. How disrespectful.

Given they seem to prefer passive agressive to confrontation I would choose the latter and initiate an out and out confrontation with them. I'd include evidence (the envelope), have DH present and make sure they are both there. Perhaps in a restaurant after a meal along the lines of

<produces exhibit a>
"I saw you'd crossed my name out and put the wrong one on, do you realise that isn't my name?"

"Why do you think it so important to you that I use your surname?"

"Do you realise I will never call myself this?"

"You say if I'm part of your family I have to have this name, I'm happy to not be part of your family, I married DH, not you. Does this mean we shouldn't get together anymore, ok, bye"

"Do you know what DH thinks of all this, would you like him to tell you?"

<takes deep breath>

Have I overdone it? I'm just incensed at their behaviour that they think its acceptable to presume to tell you (repeatedly) what your name is!

Soupqueen Sun 21-Apr-13 11:02:45

I have told him but he "forgets".

hettie Sun 21-Apr-13 11:02:35

Some members of DH's family did this..... I thought it was hilarious especially as dh had actually taken my surname. But do you know what I didn't let it get to me and in the end they stopped writing to us altogether
People are weird, but you can chose how you react to it....

exexpat Sun 21-Apr-13 10:51:40

Soupqueen - have you told your FiL about the post office/ID issue? That might actually make it register with him how silly he is being not to use your legal name.

I found that explaining to grandparents & aunts that I couldn't pay in cheques they had sent me in the wrong name was the only thing that made them stop.

Soupqueen Sun 21-Apr-13 08:34:40

My father in law does this. He sends parcels to Mrs DH's surname, I'm never in to receive them and have real problems picking them up from the sorting office because all my proof of ID is in my name.

Are they the mafia? confused

Isityouorme Sun 21-Apr-13 08:05:32

Buy thank you cards with your and DH names on in big bold print and post to parents each time they send mail on .... And stick printed from sender name labels on the envelope. Very formal and polite and the closest you'll get to sticking two fingers up in their face!

Ledkr Sun 21-Apr-13 07:04:26

Pil do this to me so do the GPS which I think is just old ness but pil should know better.
Even my birthday cheques so I can't cash them.
However if I directly spoke to them and they stil did it if seriously fall out with them especially as I kept my name for my existing children's benefit.
They sound weird with all the in our family have our name bollox

KittieCat Sun 21-Apr-13 06:56:47

I kept my name when we married. Didn't realise FIL wasn't overly happy until we (after much agonising and upset on both DH and my parts) gave DS my surname as double barrelled didn't work etc.

This caused big ructions and I saw a nasty side of FIL. We don't really speak now, and the ILs don't really bother with DS. All really very sad as we used to get on really well.

I still see it as having been my choice to have kept my name and my and DHs choice to give our son whatever name we saw fit.

I still get post from the rest of DH's family assuming we all have DH's surname.

HermioneHatesHoovering Sun 21-Apr-13 06:44:12

And obviously you won't have to endure go to their birthday/wedding anniversary deathly boring celebrations, as you haven't actually been invited, so to turn up would be positively rude, wouldn't it? wink

HermioneHatesHoovering Sun 21-Apr-13 06:35:36

Just make sure any children have "yourSurnamehisSurname", in that order. Then if you ever split up you can just drop hissurname from their names wink

sashh Sun 21-Apr-13 04:45:41

I have just thought of an evil plan.

Go to the post office and have a redirect put on the name your ILs use, I assume Mrs ILs.

So anything she redirects to you with her/Dhs name is automatically sent back to her.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Sat 20-Apr-13 23:45:21

Oh it all sounds very Krays / faaaaaamily imo.

I wouldn't bother emailing. Rise above it.

Pilgit Sat 20-Apr-13 23:31:53

Not read the entire thread but I think they are being extremely rude and unreasonable! Your DH joined your family as much as you joined theirs - why does their name get to trump yours? This will all back fire on them in the end - my MIL has the attitude (and she has 3 sons) that you have a choice to make when your son marries - gain a daughter or lose a son.

For those saying she should suck it up - they are being aggressive and rude to the OP in the way they readdress things and insist on their name dominance. It is a form of bullying.

squoosh Sat 20-Apr-13 23:14:26

People decide on their own names and their children's names. After that people can decide for themselves. I really can't be arsed worrying about what my great-great-great-great-great grandchildren's surname is.

So first generation is double barrelled, second generation is quadruple barrelled, after that it might get a bit silly. Wouldn't it be easier to decide on a family name for your new family unit once you get married. In OP's case, that should clearly be OP's name!

yes, greeneggs I meant "you" as both of them

GreenEggsAndNichts Sat 20-Apr-13 22:33:18

It would have been Jelly's DH's responsibility for discussing it, not hers, imo. He's the one who changed his name from the name he's always had. Jelly just took the name he decided to keep. He could have just as easily kept her part of the name and not his father's.

Honestly, double-barreled names for children are asking for trouble, anyway. I understand a couple marrying and deciding to keep both names, then giving that name to their children. However, when the children grow up and get married and both parts of the couple want to keep their names, what then? Quadruple barreled?

I say this as someone who kept her name so I understand wanting to do so.

xkittyx Sat 20-Apr-13 22:24:31

jelly that sounds quite mean sad

jelly I think you were wrong not to even discuss it with her
I'm pretty sure she had good reasons to keep her own name for you to just drop it and not even tell her.especially her own son. sad

ChairmanMeoww Sat 20-Apr-13 21:46:11

My Grandmother does this. About 5 minutes after our wedding ceremony she cornered DH and I and quite agressively asked why I was not changing my name, even though we had already told her weeks before, and my DM (her daughter) never changed her surname on marriage! It was pretty embarrassing as quite a few of our guests were well within earshot.

She refused to accept that I would stay Ms Mysurname and to this day still addresses birthday, christmas cards etc to Mrs DH'sSurname. Makes me so cross!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now