To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

(195 Posts)
LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 11:13:59

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

olgaga Wed 17-Apr-13 12:21:32

I would just bin any letters/communications from them that aren't addressed to you properly. Don't start sending things back, IME it confuses the PO and you might suddenly find you stop getting any post at all. (Happened to me once - at the end of my tether with junkmail.)

When you are asked if you have received x/y/z you can say "Oh I only look at stuff addressed to me in my name".

How often do they actually write to you though?

slug Wed 17-Apr-13 12:33:35

I'd be tempted to start signing letters/cards to them with Ms and Mr Yoursurname

GreenEggsAndNichts Wed 17-Apr-13 12:45:37

It's not about having your DH fight your battles for you. They're his parents, it's his surname (you married him, not them), and if he is supportive of you keeping your name then he needs to take them aside and ask that they stop harassing you over it.

If my parents were harassing my husband over something, I would do this. They're my parents. I have the closer relationship with them.

FWIW I didn't take DH's name, and I can't imagine having to deal with this from my ILs. They do sometimes address the odd card to the DHsurname family, but I understand it's for space reasons (postcard or so). There's a difference between that and actually being lectured like a child about marrying into their family. angry

perplexedpirate Wed 17-Apr-13 12:55:51

Very, very annoying!
But I think you should have some lols with it. Send them any letters addressed like that back to them, spell their name wrong on correspondence, pronounce their names wrongly at every opportunity, or just make up new ones.
If they say anything, just say (big smile, head tilt) 'names are so tricky aren't they'.

EggsEggSplat Wed 17-Apr-13 13:01:01

Make yourself a name badge and wear it every time you see them? Maybe make one for everybody - "just because you seem to find it hard to get names right, perhaps its your age..."

Tenacity Wed 17-Apr-13 13:01:50

They don't really respect you though OP, do they? Why do you think it's a reasonable relationship if this is how they treat you? They also sound very aggressive, and this could be a sign of things to come. They are telling you to be a good girl, and do as you are told. In any relationship this would be a deal breaker.
IMO you should start as you mean to go by. Let them know you will not put up with this. They need to know that this will ultimately affect your relationship. In a way, this could be a blessing in disguise as you have a chance to lay the boundaries out early on in your marriage.

LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 13:10:38

They're very unworldly - they come from quite an isolated part of the country, where they have lived all their lives. For instance, they will make negative comments about "black people", not I think because they are actively racist, but because to them, seeing a black person on the streets was something very rare until recently. They think everyone is like them, or if not, should be!

OxfordBags Wed 17-Apr-13 13:22:54

I think you do need to get your DH to have a word with them, for sceral reasons: he is their son, they will listen to him more. IMHO, if a parent or set of parents need dealing with over something awkward/shitty, the adult child of that parent tackles them, not the partner, but above all, because they might believe - or be kidding themselves - that DH actually agrees with them but doesn't want to say anything to you because he is under the thimb or besotted or whatever.

Some people do think that women change their names legally when they get married, as an earlier poster said. In fact, any woman who changes her name to her husband's is just adopting a false name, which is fine under UK law. Unless she changes it to his by deed poll, her real name will always actually be her maiden name.

I think they need putting straight about your surname, and about your job, etc. they clearly think very plain speaking is the order of the day towards you, so let them get a taste of their own medicine. After all, you're in the right here!

I'm presuming that you don't have kids yet, but you need to put your feet down, you and DH now, before they start taking thepiss on a whole new level when the DC come along.

You need to be confortable with making things awkward. If they tell you that that's not your real name when they are visiting tou, insist that they leave, as you will not be disrespected in your own home. If they mention this wrong name, ignore them, then tell them that's not your name when they ask why you're not responding. Just get up and walk away when they start this crap. Start calling them names that aren't theirs and tell them you're just doing what they do to you.

If it matters this much to you - and it would do me (my PILs spelling my name wrong and insisting that it should be spelt that way (not a name with variables, either!) drives me to the brink, so I feel for you!) - then PLAY HARDBALL!

bran Wed 17-Apr-13 13:25:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kundry Wed 17-Apr-13 13:33:55

Are you my SIL? My PIL spent Xmas telling us all how a distant cousin had married a black lady and do you know, their children have the fuzzy hair!!!???

They were clearly disappointed that none of us gave any reaction at all to the long lost cousins, fuzzy hair or not. They'd also be mortified to hear they come across as racist and that outside their tiny circle of friends, no-one thinks like them. Appearance and show is very important to them (their house is doily central) but they are oblivious to the fact that rules have changed in the last 50 years.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Wed 17-Apr-13 13:58:16

"If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion".

Goodness. What an interesting attitude.

Is the name Corleone by any chance?!

badbride Wed 17-Apr-13 14:14:34

Is the name Corleone by any chance?

My money's on Lannister grin

LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 14:17:05

LOL @ Boulevard and badbride. I'm now tempted to get myself a name card saying Corleone, and pin it to my lapel, for the next time I see them...

YoniRaver Wed 17-Apr-13 14:19:14

Return the envelpoe, after all its not addressed to you is it ?

exoticfruits Wed 17-Apr-13 14:24:40

I would give no reaction at all-it will be far the most annoying to them. If they are then driven to mention it just say in, in a bored tone, that you are......... and change the subject. If they carry on just tell them it is not up for discussion and change the subject. Don't give them a way in-you don't have to.

LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 14:26:33

That's pretty much what I do exoticfruits. It still persists...

I've been quite polite up until now...

skippedtheripeoldmango Wed 17-Apr-13 14:26:52

I've not read all the thread...but, if they feel that you have joined their family, couldn't the opposite be true of your DH? Hasn't he also joined your family thus he should have changed his name - by their logic anyway. They're a couple of silly, small-minded, passive-aggressive fools. Scratching your name out on RSVPs is the epitome of rudeness. It's none of their bloody business what you call yourself and they should respect their wishes.

If, however, they continue to call you what they consider is appropriate, perhaps you should do the same in kind?

Something along the lines of...Mr and Mrs Insufferably-Obnoxious?

They sound bonkers frankly. I don't have any constructive suggestions but do like the idea of calling them Mike & Jean or something.

I had a problem with my future FIL once. I said ,"For fuck's sake Peter just fuck off out of my house." I haven't had any other problems since.

Gusthetheatrecat Wed 17-Apr-13 14:41:33

'lavishly obnoxious'.
::happy sigh::
This is my new favourite phrase!

(Your PILs are hugely unreasonable, and seem very rude to boot, but you didn't need me to point that one out...)

MadonnaKebab Wed 17-Apr-13 14:52:49

Never had any trouble with my inlaws but my own mother refused to use my surname (same as hers of course) once I married, and told everyone in the family I'd changed my name when she knew I hadn't
After I told her a few times "thanks for the cheque for DCs but we can't cash it because no-one of that name exists/ has a bank account"
She then sent cheques in DHs name instead
She felt she'd won and it gave her a warm glow of victory until the day she died
Smile & nod, smile & nod, no point wasting energy on this type of shit

HerrenaHandbasket Wed 17-Apr-13 14:54:42

I was thinking they sounded like the Dursleys!

I second badbride's suggestion of a t-shirt with your name on it op. Or maybe one saying 'That's not my name' on it.... or (if you decide to go nuclear) have a big party and put up a banner or piece of wall art or something saying 'It's MissAbs, ACTUALLY.' They will see it and choke. Everyone else will see it and snigger wink

Floggingmolly Wed 17-Apr-13 14:56:08

How many letters can they possibly be sending you that it's such an issue? confused. Admit it, it was just the once, wasn't it?

LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 14:59:04

It wasn't just one Floggingmolly. Its been 3 pieces of forwarded mail, 1 formal invitation to MIL's landmark birthday with details of what we were doing when and where, another formal invitation to their wedding anniversary celebration, and quite a lot of birthday and Christmas cards, some from them, some from other family members who weren't sure of our new address, all with my own surname replaced with theirs, sometimes crossed out, sometimes added.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 17-Apr-13 15:04:10

I would refuse all contact with them until they learn some manners.

I would also give my children my name too, if I was in your position (only child and the last one to have the name).

I think your dh does have to intervene, because this will not get better - they clearly have no respect for you and should you have children they are likely to seriously piss you off with their attitude. Best to nip it in the bud now by having dh tell them to stop this and by not seeing them until they are prepared to behave properly.

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