To Be Increasingly Irritated by PIL Insisting I have Name-changed on Marriage

(195 Posts)
LessMissAbs Wed 17-Apr-13 11:13:59

When I have not? Small problem, I know. But they have completely ignored my not changing my surname on marriage. I have told them repeatedly I am still known by my original surname, but they refer to me as "MrsTheirSurname", send me letters addressed to MrsTheirSurname and have forwarded invitations sent to their address for DH and me, scoring out my surname and replacing it with theirs.

On challenging them, they told me "If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion". Except I haven't, and I'm not going to.

5madthings Wed 17-Apr-13 11:16:09

Yanbu this would really fuck me off!

I would return stuff that is wrongly addressed, but that may be petty!

ChasedByBees Wed 17-Apr-13 11:16:18

They're being rude and ridiculous. <whispers> if y

ChasedByBees Wed 17-Apr-13 11:17:07

Argh, pressed send <you could give any DC your surname too...>

picnicbasketcase Wed 17-Apr-13 11:18:21

Well, they sound fucking ignorant tbh. You could cross out their name on the envelopes they redirect to, write 'no-one by this name at this address' and send it back but I suppose that's even more childish than they're being. All you can do is keep pointing out that actually, it's NOT your name, you have no intention of ever being called that name, and they that should respect your decision. Or do it back: for instance if they're called Frank and Betty, start calling them Jeff and Felicity. They'd get the message in the end.

aldiwhore Wed 17-Apr-13 11:18:21

Sounds like a mountain out of a molehill. How often does this problem arise?

Both DH and I changed our names on marriage, me because I didn't want to lose mine and didn't like his (it would have given me the same name as my first teacher, whom I despised) and him because he liked mine and it would make him stand out more professionally...

His parents were very pleasant, but very old school and just couldn't get used to it at all. I didn't make an issue out of it, and neither did they, for years I'd receive the xmas cards with MrsDHinitial & surname, roll my eyes and carry on.

It sounds very formal if they're referring to you by surname anyway.

I guess I pick my battles, and for me, it wasn't one that I felt was worth falling out over.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 17-Apr-13 11:18:32

Would drive me crazy with rage.

Its rude and not their choice.

PeoniesPlease Wed 17-Apr-13 11:19:18

YANBU! Mine do this too - they had a shit fit when they found out that I wasn't taking their name, and now address all post to Mr and Mrs PeoniesH.

I have brought it up a couple of times, but they have ignored it. I'm just trying to not let it bother me these days (although it still does.)

Very passive-aggressive. Urgh. You have my sympathies OP.

HumphreyCobbler Wed 17-Apr-13 11:21:55

It is one thing just using your DH's name when writing to you, but to actually scrub out your name and replace it is very aggressive. To argue with you in person about it is also really rude.

This would really wind me up, and I did take my husbands name when I married.

EggsEggSplat Wed 17-Apr-13 11:22:09

That sounds like they are making a real point of it. Can you get your DH to have a word with them?

I had a similar but less extreme problem with my PiLs, but they just resorted to basically avoiding using my surname wherever possible, eg would post things just under DH's name, or would add '& myfirstname' without the surname. It is only since DH has died (after we'd been married 15 years) that they have finally been forced to address letters to me with my full name.

NomDeOrdinateur Wed 17-Apr-13 11:22:32

They're perfectly entitled to call you whatever they like - as long as they're prepared to accept that you will extend the same courtesy to them... wink Have some fun with it.

Peevish Wed 17-Apr-13 11:23:21

Sympathies, OP - mine weren't so obtuse, they just thought it was 'what everyone did', but I had to be very firm about the fact that if you are addressing me formally on an envelope I am either Peevish McPeevish, or Dr Peevish McPeevish, not Mrs DHName. Also about the fact that our baby has both our surnames, which they also have difficulty with.

I don't think they mean to be unkind, they just don't get that, while I'm fond of them and their family, I did not marry into a clan in some 19thc way that means I become one of them, like the Borg or something.

Point out you haven't in fact joined their family, it's not the bloody Guides or the Ramblers' Association. Your DH has equally 'joined' your family, and no one is expectin him to reinvent what he is called.

StephaniePowers Wed 17-Apr-13 11:23:44

Well, now you know your place in their affections, you can work on being as distant as possible from now on smile
Seriously, it takes many people decades to work out that their in-laws don't respect them. They've done you a favour.
As for this particular problem, I'd ignore it for now (you do obviously have a right to call yourself by whatever name you choose!) - let them think they have their way and just ignore them as far as you possibly can.
They sound extremely horrible by the way.

Chunderella Wed 17-Apr-13 11:24:25

How lavishly obnoxious. The refusal to respect your name change is annoying- I have an elderly great aunt who does that because she thinks its funny, so I let it go. But the comment is on a different level to what might be called the 'normal' stubbornness over names, and for that reason I can't agree with aldiwhore. I'd fight fire with fire and start calling PIL by MILs birth name.

BlingLoving Wed 17-Apr-13 11:26:53

YANBU. This is unbelievable. I'm just amazed that you've had 12 responses and only one has told you you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Because for reasons I don't understand, a lot of people seem to think that if a woman is consistently called by the wrong name, it's not such a big deal and she should just suck it up.

DH needs to talk to them, firmly but politely. It's irritating enough that they can't get it right generally but for them to specifically and pointedly change things that are in your correct name is taking it to a whole new level of aggression.

I'm going to face the same problem and I'm not even married yet. MIL to be almost started a row with me in a shop about this a few weeks ago, the lady in the shop was sticking up for me.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Wed 17-Apr-13 11:29:48

'"If you join this family, you take our name. Its not up for discussion".' shock

I think the response is 'You're right, it's not up for discussion. This is my name and there is no question of my changing it. If you can't deal with that, send invitations and cards to 'DP and partner' or just 'DP' if it pains you so much to write my name.'

I am childish though, so I would also follow the suggestions above to cross out their names on the envelopes they redirect to and write 'no-one by this name at this address' and send it back. grin

taxi4ballet Wed 17-Apr-13 11:30:11

Have you explained to them exactly why you decided not to change your surname to theirs?

What does your DH think about it?

HumphreyCobbler Wed 17-Apr-13 11:30:31

I love the phrase 'lavishly obnoxious'! How true in this situation.

StephaniePowers Wed 17-Apr-13 11:31:43

It AMAZES me that people don't realise that the name you choose for yourself is non-negotiable.

The more I think about it the more it seems they are itching for a fight with you OP. What does your DH think of them and can you collectively just tell them to sling their hooks for good?

SirBoobAlot Wed 17-Apr-13 11:31:54

How rude of them. If they're not listening to you, your DH needs to have a word, and tell them this is unacceptable.

What unbelievable wankers. I think I'd be spending as little time with such disrespectful, misogynistic dickheads as possible if I were you.

BlingLoving Wed 17-Apr-13 11:33:17

I think the thing that makes it sooo annoying, is that thes people really do think that this is the way it is done and therefore there is no other way. It's like by choosing not to you're doing something deeply illegal and/or immoral.

I'm actually quite wound up by this. More so even than I get when people tell me that I shouldn't care what people call me and that they're going to continue calling me Mrs DHName because it's easier for them. WTF?!

olgaga Wed 17-Apr-13 11:33:44

It must be very irritating for you but it sounds like you're not going to get anywhere with this at all!

If they have no "better nature" to appeal to, you can't exactly force them to do as you ask.

HolofernesesHead Wed 17-Apr-13 11:33:53

Play them this song at every opportunity: That's not my name

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