If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!(186 Posts)
In a nutshell..
MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.
Her day being my wedding day!!
Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)
Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!
I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'
So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!!
Ooh I got all excited then that the OP had come back and updated. Hope it did go well in the end OP.
thespottedzebra don't panic! I saw the zombie thread alert I was just genuinely interested in the outcome on having previously posted on the thread, and I saw it in a search and thought "I remember that thread I hope it went well". It was a concious decision
OP you poor thing.
It's got fuck all to do with MIL - simple. She sounds like a fucking nightmare!!!
It's up to you about wanting a child free wedding and I completely understand! I had a big wedding with 100+ guests and there were a lot of children in the family so I had them there.
However - I had a crèche / entertainer for during the ceremony for ALL children under 8 and another child's entertainer to keep them busy between the ceremony and the meal etc.
I had one particular friend of DH who I'm not that close to and his wife was the type to think her child should be the center of attention. She literally joked with me about putting him in a full suit / page boy outfit and pushing him out in front of me whilst I was walking down the aisle!!!
The crèche was the best thing I ever did. I wish I'd made it last longer - me and DH got 20 seconds into our first dance when his cousin thought it was ok to let her 2 kids come over and jump all over us and refuse to leave so we had to pick them up and didn't get our dance
It's your wedding. Your day. You will regret changing it to suit others. I did with my devil mil and sil and I regret it to this day.
This is about the third zombie thread I've read today!
Love how everyone gets snippy about people who choose to have a child free wedding, its like they read "child free wedding" as "your baby is ugly" or something
An update would be fab though!
Ooh, I was just getting right into that thread before I realised how old it was! I wonder what happened and whether MIL ever got over her
self deep disappointment...
Oh, yes, Wishwehadgoneabroad
Please let us know what happened!
Why was this bumped?
Is it time for a zombie warning on the mobile site and app?
Really hope you had a lovely wedding in the end wish
Hmm. Yes. That's a good point.
Well, I'm not chasing her. Such childish behaviour from a woman in her 50's!
I wouldn't really replace them if i were you, in case they come round and want to come later on. If you don't leave them that option you'd be basically cutting off your husband's family as I doubt they'd get over it. It's one thing to give them the impression you'll replace them, but another to really do it.
No response from the text....!!!!
Best bit. DP rang his siblings (2 of whom still live at home) and they claim nothings been said. I really don't believe this for a minute.
Well, at this rate, they're going to be replaced
Leave it another 48 hours, then on Monday send a text asking for final confirmation they are coming, as you've got a 'B' list of invitees if they aren't coming so you need confirmation by Friday, or you'll assume they aren't coming and replace them.
Then stick to it. Don't chase again, don't contact again until they do.
I'd text and say that they need to confirm if they're coming so you can finalise the numbers for the meal and that if you don't hear you'll cancel their places
or better still invite replacement guests who, unlike some, are an active and positive part of your life.
Well, there's 6 of them I'm still waiting for confirmation from!
That's 3 other sets of relatives on my side who could be invited if they're not coming ;)
I did say to DP though to just shrug and let her come back to him. We've sent birthday wishes, she should be big enough to ring to say thank you imo.
Let her come to you. Keep a space for them at the wedding but don't chase her for confirmation of her attendance.
Meet their silence with indifference.
No phone call, no thank you. She is not answering her phone. FIL is not answering his phone.
Now what do we do!?
Card and flowers have been sent. And a card from DD.
Be interesting to see if she rings to say thank you!
stick to your guns. really, just do it.
But rise above and make sure your behaviour is fine. Get that card posted!
OH. and also, DD is coming, but come 6pm (her bedtime wind down time!) my own mother is taking her home to bath/change etc, and then my brother (who's not big on small talk after meals) has kindly offered to babysit in the house with her.
So DD is literally there for 3 hours.
FIL has said, well can't nephew come for the evening. given that surely he would be asleep, seems somewhat pointless? And makes me think again that it's so MIL can keep the poor little thing awake and parade him around her side of relatives. Making the thing about her. Again. As she always tries to do!
I do hear what you're saying. However, it's not about jealousy on our behalf. We have only met nephew once. The venue is not particularly child friendly, which is going to cause us a problem sorting our own DD out (fitting in pram, highchair etc) but would cause more problems trying to squeeze in another baby. I know people might say, well it's only one more baby etc, but frankly, as I said, my own young goddaughter (who I love dearly) isn't coming, and whilst my nephew is my nephew through my DH connection, he's just a baby i've met once and don't have any feeling for (sorry if that sounds awful, just being honest!)
As you say, he's not old enough to have his own mind. So he's not enough to mind that he's not invited! Not like he's going to know or remember.
BIL i have no interest in meeting if I'm honest. What I have been told of the background as to why they don't get on, is not something i want myself, or my family involved in (drug related and benefit fraud related..there is more, but that's the gyst of it)
2Rebecca completely agree!!! You've hit the nail on the head there though. MIL has no friends (that we know of) and simply sees relatives for coffee etc. Also has no hobbies. Not a healthy life balance imo but it's her choice. TBH not sure what she does - but she does have a very clean, showhouse type house, so she obviously spends most of her time cleaning
SoggySummer Child free is not child free if there are children there.
Applause from me. It's none of her bloody business how your wedding day goes.
Frankly...how dare she!
I think you got off lightly if your child isn't your MIL's world. It would only lead to endless power battles. I don't think it's particularly healthy for parents to say their children are their world as it sounds rather smothering especially as the kids grow, let along grandparents.
All adults need to keep their own friends and hobbies and not live through their relatives.
It sounds as though you don't like her much anyway so I'm not sure why you want her especially involved in your daughter's life.
Have a nice weekend doing fun stuff and see less of the nutty sounding relatives.
Bedtime so to be truly child free they dont have thir DD there, who would you suggest OP leaves her with then? I'm guessing all suitable close friends and family are invited to the wedding.
And by the sounds of things OP is much closer to her godchild than her nephew who they've only met once or twice and the godchild isnt invited either.
Being a close family relation doesnt mean close personally and does not guarrentee an invite. Its the MIL who is insisting on the nephew coming (not the childs mother) and what right does she have to determine that?
OP I feel for you. My problems with my MIL started with our wedding. Luckily she wasn't allowed to be involved in the planning as we did it ourselves. She did try to 'influence' my DH but luckily he is wise to her.
She did however, insist in having her make up done by the woman doing my hair before I had my hair done. i have no idea why I agreed to this - i just wanted to make her happy. big mistake. she knocked on the door of my room (in the hotel) when my sister answered the door, she walked past her without being invited in, while I was getting ready! she ignored me and my sisters totally and demanded that the makeup woman redid her lipstick as she'd had a drink so it had washed off.
She spent the rest of our wedding swanning round with her daughter (who got engaged a coupe of weeks before our wedding- I later found out MIL had been involved in making this happen...but that is a whole other thread) and telling everyone how amazing her wedding would be. She didn't speak to me all day.
She has been horrendous ever since and I wish I had stood up to her. Stay strong and do what you want - don't let her ruin it for you and your husband to be.
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