If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!(178 Posts)
In a nutshell..
MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.
Her day being my wedding day!!
Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)
Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!
I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'
So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!!
Hmm. Yes. That's a good point.
Well, I'm not chasing her. Such childish behaviour from a woman in her 50's!
I wouldn't really replace them if i were you, in case they come round and want to come later on. If you don't leave them that option you'd be basically cutting off your husband's family as I doubt they'd get over it. It's one thing to give them the impression you'll replace them, but another to really do it.
No response from the text....!!!!
Best bit. DP rang his siblings (2 of whom still live at home) and they claim nothings been said. I really don't believe this for a minute.
Well, at this rate, they're going to be replaced
Leave it another 48 hours, then on Monday send a text asking for final confirmation they are coming, as you've got a 'B' list of invitees if they aren't coming so you need confirmation by Friday, or you'll assume they aren't coming and replace them.
Then stick to it. Don't chase again, don't contact again until they do.
I'd text and say that they need to confirm if they're coming so you can finalise the numbers for the meal and that if you don't hear you'll cancel their places
or better still invite replacement guests who, unlike some, are an active and positive part of your life.
Well, there's 6 of them I'm still waiting for confirmation from!
That's 3 other sets of relatives on my side who could be invited if they're not coming ;)
I did say to DP though to just shrug and let her come back to him. We've sent birthday wishes, she should be big enough to ring to say thank you imo.
Let her come to you. Keep a space for them at the wedding but don't chase her for confirmation of her attendance.
Meet their silence with indifference.
No phone call, no thank you. She is not answering her phone. FIL is not answering his phone.
Now what do we do!?
Card and flowers have been sent. And a card from DD.
Be interesting to see if she rings to say thank you!
stick to your guns. really, just do it.
But rise above and make sure your behaviour is fine. Get that card posted!
OH. and also, DD is coming, but come 6pm (her bedtime wind down time!) my own mother is taking her home to bath/change etc, and then my brother (who's not big on small talk after meals) has kindly offered to babysit in the house with her.
So DD is literally there for 3 hours.
FIL has said, well can't nephew come for the evening. given that surely he would be asleep, seems somewhat pointless? And makes me think again that it's so MIL can keep the poor little thing awake and parade him around her side of relatives. Making the thing about her. Again. As she always tries to do!
I do hear what you're saying. However, it's not about jealousy on our behalf. We have only met nephew once. The venue is not particularly child friendly, which is going to cause us a problem sorting our own DD out (fitting in pram, highchair etc) but would cause more problems trying to squeeze in another baby. I know people might say, well it's only one more baby etc, but frankly, as I said, my own young goddaughter (who I love dearly) isn't coming, and whilst my nephew is my nephew through my DH connection, he's just a baby i've met once and don't have any feeling for (sorry if that sounds awful, just being honest!)
As you say, he's not old enough to have his own mind. So he's not enough to mind that he's not invited! Not like he's going to know or remember.
BIL i have no interest in meeting if I'm honest. What I have been told of the background as to why they don't get on, is not something i want myself, or my family involved in (drug related and benefit fraud related..there is more, but that's the gyst of it)
2Rebecca completely agree!!! You've hit the nail on the head there though. MIL has no friends (that we know of) and simply sees relatives for coffee etc. Also has no hobbies. Not a healthy life balance imo but it's her choice. TBH not sure what she does - but she does have a very clean, showhouse type house, so she obviously spends most of her time cleaning
SoggySummer Child free is not child free if there are children there.
Applause from me. It's none of her bloody business how your wedding day goes.
Frankly...how dare she!
I think you got off lightly if your child isn't your MIL's world. It would only lead to endless power battles. I don't think it's particularly healthy for parents to say their children are their world as it sounds rather smothering especially as the kids grow, let along grandparents.
All adults need to keep their own friends and hobbies and not live through their relatives.
It sounds as though you don't like her much anyway so I'm not sure why you want her especially involved in your daughter's life.
Have a nice weekend doing fun stuff and see less of the nutty sounding relatives.
Bedtime so to be truly child free they dont have thir DD there, who would you suggest OP leaves her with then? I'm guessing all suitable close friends and family are invited to the wedding.
And by the sounds of things OP is much closer to her godchild than her nephew who they've only met once or twice and the godchild isnt invited either.
Being a close family relation doesnt mean close personally and does not guarrentee an invite. Its the MIL who is insisting on the nephew coming (not the childs mother) and what right does she have to determine that?
OP I feel for you. My problems with my MIL started with our wedding. Luckily she wasn't allowed to be involved in the planning as we did it ourselves. She did try to 'influence' my DH but luckily he is wise to her.
She did however, insist in having her make up done by the woman doing my hair before I had my hair done. i have no idea why I agreed to this - i just wanted to make her happy. big mistake. she knocked on the door of my room (in the hotel) when my sister answered the door, she walked past her without being invited in, while I was getting ready! she ignored me and my sisters totally and demanded that the makeup woman redid her lipstick as she'd had a drink so it had washed off.
She spent the rest of our wedding swanning round with her daughter (who got engaged a coupe of weeks before our wedding- I later found out MIL had been involved in making this happen...but that is a whole other thread) and telling everyone how amazing her wedding would be. She didn't speak to me all day.
She has been horrendous ever since and I wish I had stood up to her. Stay strong and do what you want - don't let her ruin it for you and your husband to be.
In terms of your mil you don't get on and I think you are entitled to have what wedding you want and guests. I however do not understand your reasoning on your own nephew. He is not old enough to have his own mind etc and I think you are punishing him which isn't nice at all. I think your no children rule surely cannot extend itself to your nephew. I would understand if your own daughter was not going. Your nephew is older than your own child therefore really your not having a child free day. It will be harder in terms of stress etc with your own child who is younger if your using the " I want a child free day" . I get not inviting extended family members kids and friends kids but not your own nephew. I get why your jealous of the attention put on the nephew but not your own daughter etc but that is milsdoing this and making it competitive, it's not your nephews fault. Take her out of the equation and what has your nephew done?
Your mil is hard work. You invite who you want even if it does mean offending her. I think she will come anyway. Eg I think you sould invite bil if you want. No wonder the family don't get on with so much segregation.
BTW just to add that DH and I are expecting first child any day now and PILs are not interested in making amends and moving on so they clearly have their priorities. They would rather spite their grandchild than to make amends with us because they still believe they were right to dictate!
Yep I've had a similar wedding/MIL experience too.
Our PILs in the end didn't attend our wedding because we disinvited them.
Meeting other people's demands now will only cause further heartache later so you are best to stick to your guns and don't back down.
It's your day not theirs.
Jammother I was offered MIL's wedding dress as well. There was no way I was going to try it on - you must be much more polite than me
What dontmind said. All of it!
don'tmind Oh. Good point!! Hadn't thought of it like that
No, you need to tell your DH that you will show your MIL how grown ups behave, send a card.
(Apart from anything else, there's few things that really annoy a sulker than to realise that the person they are sulking with haven't noticed they are sulking! If you are cheery when you next have to talk to her and act like there's no problem, still send a card/flowers for her birthday etc, it'll piss her right off)
ahh. Well, it's been 3 days, and so far silence
I'm actually quite enjoying it
In all seriousness though, we are upset that she chose not to see her only granddaughter just because she disagreed about our wedding choices. Ridiculous. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
That, along with the phrase her grandson is 'her world', has actually knocked me a little, because it's quite clear that even if she did have a relationship with my DD, she would always be second best.
It's her birthday this weekend. I got a card out of the box last night to send to her, and DH told me not to bother. Ugh. The nice person in me still thinks it's her birthday and we should still be pleasant! Think I shall send regardless.
property I think you're absolutely right.
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