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If you are a MIL, help me understand this crazy behaviour!

(178 Posts)
Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 11:34:42

In a nutshell..

MIL now not speaking to me at all because I have 'ruined' her day.

Her day being my wedding day!!

Basically, we (DH to be and I!) want a very low key, no kids, short church wedding with a short, civilised meal after the event. The only child coming is our own (small baby)

Apparently, I am selfish, mean and 'playing games' because I am not putting family first and inviting everyone from her side of the family. The kicker, we are not inviting DH's baby nephew who is 'her world' and should be the focus of attention at her son's wedding!!

I have been polite and put her with her crazy ways over the last 4 years. Last night, she tipped me over the edge and I told her exactly what I thought - which pretty much ended in, 'My day, my way..don't really care whether you approve of our wedding plans or not, come, don't come, it's your call, but please don't dictate to me how to celebrate my wedding day'

So, AIBU or is she? And is this salvageable??!! grin

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:29:51

Yanbu she sounds horrid. The most upsetting thing is tat se sees her grandson as her world and is not keen on her grandaughter. She has cancelled seeing her since Christmas because of her childish ways. If the situation was reversed would she defend your dd like she is her grandson, don't think so. I would rather not have a nasty person like tat at my wedding. Goidness on you she has to be told

GemmaTeller Sun 14-Apr-13 12:32:49

As a MIL to be later this year all I can say is , wow!
well done to you standing your ground.

We have given DS and wife to be a lump sum to spend how they wish on the wedding and are going along with whatever they decide to do/ whoever they decide to invite - its their day after all.

diddl Sun 14-Apr-13 12:34:41

It does sound odd to me to not invite a nephew.

My sister backed out of my wedding a couple of days before-meaning that only GC also didn't come.

Mum was devastated.

(Didn't see said GC that often as abroad).

Well I wasn't exactly thrilled-sister decided to prioritise work!!

But somehow mum made it all about her not seeing her GC!!

HappySeven Sun 14-Apr-13 12:34:53

I'm not a MIL (but may be one one day and hope to be better at it than yours!) but to provide some possible insight, years ago the wedding wasn't for the bridal couple to invite their friends to.

As your parents paid they got to choose the guests and this was accepted as when your own children married you could choose the guest list. Your MIL obviously was a bride who didn't get to choose her own guests and now isn't allowed to have a say again. I'm not saying she's right in how she's acting but it might explain why she's upset a little.

SantanaLopez Sun 14-Apr-13 12:36:56

I think you sound horrid. There is already a child going, it wouldn't hurt at all to have another. Why start a family feud over something so petty?

hm32 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:39:34

I think her reaction is totally OTT. If the baby is very small and bf though I seriously doubt that its mum will choose to leave it, so you are in effect inviting but not inviting the mum (who I presume is DH to be's sister?).

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 12:41:06

sorry, back up, is the baby's father still in a relationship with DP's sister? And he's not invited? If I was invited with DH to a family wedding, I'd refuse to go. (If they are separated, that's a different issue alltogether).

If they are together, then you need to invite him too. That's so rude! The baby is a different issue, personally I'd say yes to babes in arms normally, but it's your wedding and if you are having a very very small meal and your child will sleep through it but the DN not do, then it might not be appropriate to have them there.

I'd say if your MIL strops up and doesn't come it wouldn't be a bad thing all round.

Wishwehadgoneabroad Sun 14-Apr-13 12:43:45

No, nephew is son of DH's sister (who he doesn't get on with, but is inviting to keep the peace lol) and said sister's husband isn't invited because of a long running feud with the MIL and FIL.

Sister and the husband are very much together.

One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)

Nanny0gg Sun 14-Apr-13 12:45:20

SantanaLopez - you're joking, right?

I'm a MiL and the OP's is as nutty as a fruitcake with a fair topping of malice by the sounds of it.

It's a shame that in her day you didn't always have the wedding the way you wanted it, but I bet she's not paying for any of the OP's.

Part of 'her world' should be her DGD. Clearly, she isn't.

Stick to your guns OP, but support your soon-to-be DH as he will be the one bearing the brunt, probably.

Is there a FiL and what does your SiL think?

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:45:30

It's only one more and a little baby at tat who may be breastfeed so I would in your situation invite the nephew (not mil), you don't have to have t whole town and their Chidren coming. It's only one little baby. I am appealled at you mil treatment of your dd, tat would hurt te most

SantanaLopez Sun 14-Apr-13 12:46:52

I wasn't originally joking but the OP posting after me has made me change my mind!

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:47:20

Op it's not your nephews fault, you cannot not invite ephew because of how your mil will behave, your last post does sound very childish. Instead I would pull her up fac to face on how she treats her grandaughter

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 12:47:48

So have you and DH fallen out with his sisters DH? Sorry but that's so wrong - that's where you should be standing your ground.

I would say you call your DH's sister, invite her DH too and say that you'd like it to be child free except for your DD, but if they can't find childcare, then they can bring DN.

It sounds like your DH will never be the centre of attention for MIL so give up on that one, hopefully you will piss her off so much with inviting DH's BIL she won't come and solve that problem.

I wish more parents realised that by playing favorites, what they end up doing is runing the relationship between the siblings and their families.

pigletmania Sun 14-Apr-13 12:49:29

I would invite te whole fami and sod mil and fil

Yanbu, and congratulations thanks
Never give narcs an inch, you doing the right thing.

gail734 Sun 14-Apr-13 12:50:57

Ignore previous poster who says you "sound horrid"! That is ridiculous! It's YOUR wedding, if you want to invite only old school friends and give it a "Vicars and Tarts" theme, that is up to you! Anyone who disapproves can demonstrate by not coming.

SanityClause Sun 14-Apr-13 12:55:11

The trouble is, many women have had to put up with "how it is" when they were younger, but now want "payback". (This applies to men as well, obv.)

Others, while regretting that they didn't have everything their way when they were younger, are now champions of those who do, as they can see that just because life wasn't fair to them doesn't mean it can't be fairer to others.

My DM had loads of people she didn't know at her wedding, but she was really supportive of the choices that (the so far, four of) her children who have married have made.

MIL, on the other hand, didn't speak to us for 6 months after we got married in Las Vegas.

(But my DM is weird in other ways.)

DontmindifIdo Sun 14-Apr-13 12:55:29

please please please tell MIL that it's a Vicars and Tarts theme! wink

SanityClause Sun 14-Apr-13 12:57:33

But, TBH, how rude not to invite your BIL! What does SIL think of that? I'd be fuming far more about that than my child not being invited.

Keep firm , my MIL boycotted our wedding as BIL wasn't going to be on the top table. He'd had to be replaced as Best Man as he wouldn't come to the stag do, wear a suit, make a speech, FFS there was only 20 guests in the day.

On the plus side we had 18 months of peace, until DD was born, and then she decided she did want to communicate with us again. She's not been as bad since; I think she realised we could cope quite happily without her.

I did this with MIL over wedding, child rearing in the early stages and Christmas cards (I hate them)
We get on brilliantly. Sometimes you need to demand respect and not cave in. Helps if DH is on board, though wink

diddl Sun 14-Apr-13 13:01:56

"One reason we didn't want nephew there is because of how MIL would try to take over with parading him around the relatives etc and DH felt her focus should be on him for a change! (fair point I thought!)"

Really??

That's awful-your husband is jealous of the attention his mum gives a baby??

TBH, if a man I was about to marry said that, I'd call it off!!

Jan49 Sun 14-Apr-13 13:01:57

Well I'm not a MIL but I'm quite old. I think older generations expected their children to marry one day and expected a big event, so if you have a small wedding or none, they may feel deprived of it.

But good for you, OP, for doing what you both want, not giving in to MIL.

Flobbadobs Sun 14-Apr-13 13:04:06

One word.
elope
My MIL tried to take over our wedding, had an opinion on everything to the extent that I stopped talking to her about anything, didn't make a difference though!
Even on the day itself the vicar had to have a stern word as she refused to go inside the chirch until she had been the first person to see me...
If we could do it again we both have said we would get hold of the first 2 people we knew and just do it, bugger the consequences and have a big party for everyone afterwards!

Heinz55 Sun 14-Apr-13 13:06:52

I've just been to a wedding where mostly friends not (extended) family were invited. I had and have the utmost respect for the bride for sticking to her guns and getting the day SHE wanted and not what her MIL, her own parents and her guests wanted. What resulted was a very relaxed, happy day that was focused on the B and G and possibly the loviest wedding I have ever been to. (fwiw she did have to capitulate on a couple of baby guests but 99% of the day was exactly as she wanted - hats off to her!)

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